Famed Rosen Plaza Hotel to Lift Lifelong Ban on Messianic Conferences

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Orlando, FL – The luxurious Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando, FL announced this week it will finally allow the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America to hold conferences and other Rabbinical and executive meetings on its premises. The announcement comes just in time for the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, which will take place at The Rosen this coming weekend.

Susan Smith, a representative from The Rosen explained their thought process in a press release: “It’s nothing against their religion, so much as their culture, that we have not allowed them here in the past. We just don’t care for their matchmaking and their shofar blowing and their constant need to have food in every single room during all their events. Once they explained to us that if we lift the ban they will have 14 conferences and events here per year, we realized we were throwing money out the door by not letting them hold events here. So there you have it. We will also be providing complimentary shofar resistant ear plugs to all hotel guests during Messianic events on site.”

The MJAA is so grateful so have a new home for their annual events and will celebrate by holding three conferences at The Rosen within the next month: The MJAA Southeast Regional Conference December 16-18, The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference January 2-5, and The YMJA ARCH Leadership Summit January 13-16. For more information about the upcoming Messianic conferences held at The Rosen please visit mjaa.org, iamcs.org, and ymja.org

 

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Messianic Woman Feels Absolutely No Pressure to Find Messianic Spouse

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Tampa, FL – 25 year old Rachel Levin, of Shoresh David Messianic Synagogue, recently posted a Facebook update exclaiming how glad she was to feel zero pressure to find a Messianic spouse. She plans to find a nice Christian boy someday and is so grateful that she is free to do just that.

“I’m so thankful that I’m part of a community that doesn’t care at all who or when I marry,” the Facebook post stated. “Nobody will ever try to set me up with someone or get upset when I find a boyfriend who isn’t Messianic. Especially the old Bubbes in my congregation, and there are certainly a lot of them. I can get married to someone who has never even met a Jewish person before and eats ham and has a Christmas tree and doesn’t even want our children to be Jewish and it will be okay, because nobody will stick their nose in our business. I am just so blessed. Thank you to the entire Messianic Community for never trying to find me a spouse at a conference or telling me you have a friend who has a friend who knows someone Messianic who would be a great husband for me. Just thank you for not caring at all who I wind up with. Just thank you.”

Rachel is just one of many young Messianics who will never have to worry about being set up with someone just because they’re Messianic, because that’s not how we play in Messianic Judaism. We are all free to marry whomever we want and there is no pressure to find a spouse ASAP. Thank you, Messianic culture, for a pressure free love life, or lack thereof. You are the best.

 

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Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Guest Post by Rabbi Eric Tokajer | Messianic Music Under Attack

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In an attempt to diminish the growing popularity of the Messianic Movement and stop the increasing influence of Messianic Movement within the believing world, a new provision has been injected into U.S. copyright law. This provision makes it illegal to use the word ‘lai’ or any derivatives, such as ‘lai lai’ or ‘lai la lai lai lai’ in any songs.

This action has, for all intents and purposes, made it impossible to write any new Messianic Music. When asked for responses, Joel Chernoff of Lamb responded, “We will not take this lai’ing down.” Ted Pearce, when asked about this new law, held his fingers in his ears alternately saying, “I can’t hear you lai lai lai lai”. Paul Wilbur, possibly the best known Messianic recording artist, stated emphatically, “These are the days of Elijah, and praying for the return of Yeshua when the wolf will lai down with the lamb.”

 

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God Decides Not to Finish What He Began, Stating “I’ll Do it Tomorrow”

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Philippians 1:6 tells us God will finish in us what He began. However, human nature leads us to procrastinate. What if God did the same? What would our lives be like if He took a night off?

“Of course I’ll finish what I said I would,” said God The Almighty. “I just didn’t feel like doing it today, okay? I promise it’ll get done, just not today. I just want to binge watch Netflix today. Just give me a break. I’ve been working hard for over 6,000 years and now I just want to sit on the couch with a cold cerveza and some Chipotle and relax. I just want one night to myself. Just one. I’ll do it tomorrow. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine, just give me one night.”

For those who aren’t sinning or whining or complaining to God or praying for Him to take care of things that don’t matter, you have nothing to feel bad about here. For the rest of us, I think maybe we drove God to drink!

 

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Local Messianic Congregation Folds After Weekly Oneg is Skipped

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St. Louis, MO – Temple Brit Chadasha has, very sadly, closed its doors this week after 26 years of service to the Messianic Community of St. Louis. The congregation shut down after just two weeks of not having a weekly oneg. 62 year old Ruth Goldfinger, who is in charge of coordinating the onegs, was in the hospital having a Hysterectomy, and was therefore unable to fulfill her oneg-ly duties. Being that there was no runner up to take over organizing these post congregational meals, the weekly tradition was temporarily canceled until Goldfinger could be back on her feet. Unfortunately, the lack of patience in the congregants prevented them from coming altogether, knowing there would be no meal waiting for them after the Rabbi’s sermon ended.

“As long as I’ve been a believer I’ve been told to only go where I’m fed,” former congregant, Betsy Morgandorffer, told The Messianic Times. “We’re definitely not being fed here and it’s time to move on now. If I’m gonna sit through a Torah service and a 45 minute sermon you best be feeding me bagels and cream cheese with lox and a side of overly ripe fruit afterwards. The only thing that sets Messianic Synagogues apart from Secular Synagogues is the fact that we have oneg after services. I may as well be Orthodox at this point.”

Morgandorffer and her fellow congregants have all disbursed to various other congregations, including churches and secular Synagogues. Everyone has completely forgotten about poor Ruth Goldfinger and her health issues and is just focusing on themselves and their want for free food, which they are definitely not getting at their respective new congregations either. At least if they had just been patient and waited for Ruth to return, the onegs would have started back up again. Or, better yet, someone else could have stepped up to organize it. Aww who’m I kidding? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

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