“Being Jewish During Christmastime” Now a Factor on Childhood Trauma Test

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San Diego, CA — The developers of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Test announced an amendment to their previous version of the test, in recognition of extra trauma that Jewish children experience that Gentiles don’t. While some may find this change extreme and inappropriate, others are grateful for the solidarity.

A TikTok video by Leah Mendelbaum @MendelBread53 in response to the new change, stated the follow: “Historically, Jews have experienced a lot of trauma as a people. When you realize that Santa Claus is antisemitic and refuses to visit Jewish children, you understand there’s a lot more to it than our people being slaughtered and hunted. It’s nearly impossible to have a normal childhood as a Jewish child in a Gentile world, when all your neighbors, your school mates, your co-workers, etc have these joyous celebrations with lots of colorful lights, trees, and presents, and you’re getting socks. I grew up with a chimney in my house, and still nothing. Even if I attend a work Christmas party, now, as an adult, it’s still triggering to me, because I remember the feeling of being left out as a kid. It’s just nice to finally have the recognition, especially when it feels like the whole world is against us.”

The previous categories of childhood trauma include physical, emotional, and sexual abuse or neglect, exposure to violence, household substance abuse, parental divorce or incarceration, and household mental illness. Trauma comes in all forms, and feeling left out during Christmas is an obvious choice to add, as it fits right in, even when you don’t.

Take the ACE Test here

Top 10 Ways to Spend Embezzled Congregational Funds

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We asked a sample of 96 Messianic Rabbis what their favorite way to spend embezzled congregational funds is, and these were the top 10 most common answers:

10) Pay for a pickleball membership

9) Buy your youth leader a brand new kitchen floor

8) Pay off the police when they come looking for you

7) Pay off your whistleblowers

6) Buy a hooker

5) Buy four hookers

4) Go on an Ayahuasca retreat

3) Run for local office

2) Donate to Trump’s campaign for re-election

1) Cover legal fees for someone being deported from Israel for lying to get there in the first place

Lions Voted #1 Most Sinful Animal in Recent Poll by Focus on the Family

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Colorado Springs, CO — A recent poll published by Christian organization, Focus on the Family, found that lions are considered to be the most sinful animals on the planet. While humans should technically hold that title, some Christian fundamentalists would disagree.

“Of every animal on the entire flat Earth, lions are setting the worst example for our children,” Joy-Dawn N. Myhart, a respondent of the poll, commented. “First of all, they call themselves PRIDES! We all know pride is a sin! Well, at least those of us who know better do! Second of all, they call themselves KINGS, and we all know there’s only one King, and that’s King Jesus! Lions clearly work for the dark one. Just look at the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan is no roll model. He will just lead your children into watching a movie about witchcraft! Do not fall for it! Plus that clip of Kanye Kardashian’s daughter, North by Northwest playing Simba in the Lion King is all over the internet right now. That family is certainly working for the devil himself. Case in point!”

The full results for this poll will be available soon. Click here to see a partial list of most sinful animals.

Apple in Hot Water Over Hamas Emoji

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Cupertino, CA —- Technology giant, Apple, Inc, has come under fire this week, after its alleged ninja emoji is said to appear to look like a member of the Palestinian terror group, Hamas. With the war at hand, and an unprecedented rise in global antisemitism, it’s now more important than ever for Apple to make sure they’re not alienating any of their customers.

In the past, Apple has made changes to its emoji catalogue after public outcry, including redesigning the handgun to look like a squirt gun, and adding a pregnant man. A petition to remove the Hamas doppelgänger is available on change.org and has over two million signatures. At press time, Apple could not be reached for comment.

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Popular Texas Grocery Chain H-E-B Changes Name to P-A-L After Global Rise in Antisemitism

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San Antonio, TX — A local supermarket chain, now previously known as H-E-B, announced tonight they are changing their name, after a recent rise in antisemitism has caused some negative responses to their well known brand. H-E-B’s Public Relations Representative, Peter McPeterson, gave a press conference tonight on the matter.

“For many years, H-E-B has been confused as a Jewish company, as people think the name is pronounced ‘Heeb,’ short for ‘Hebrew.’ After the events of the past month, tonight, I can say, with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, that we are distancing ourselves from the Hebrews, which is why we have decided to change our name to P-A-L. This doesn’t stand for anything, it just means we are your pal. Unless you’re Jewish, of course. Then we are not your pal. You can go shop at Trader Jew’s. Subsequently, our mascot’s name will also be changing from H-E-Buddy to H-E-Pal, because he is also your pal. Yes that’s what the new name means. We are pals.”

McPeterson said the name change will be effective immediately, with store signage modifications and re-branding happening throughout the week. Gift cards and rewards will still be accepted. A 23 and Me DNA test will be given at the door for anyone wishing to shop there.

MasterClass Announces New Course: Hamas Teaches Gaslighting

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San Francisco, CA — The online education service, MasterClass, announced this week it would soon offer a new course on gaslighting, taught by prominent leaders of the terrorist organization, Hamas. Hamas, whose vanguards live luxurious lives in Dubai, while their people live in poverty and squalor in the Gaza Strip, are master gaslighters. The 10 part course will be taught by Hamas media representative, Mohammed Al-Mohammed, and comes with a free 30 minute trial.

An excerpt from Al-Mohammed’s class:

“Gaslighting, it so easy.

Step 1) Choose a religion. Any religion. Learn all of their laws. Any time anyone accuses you of breaking any of the laws, just say you obviously didn’t do it, because you don’t break the laws of that religion. Nobody will question this.

Step 2) Point out there is no evidence of what they say you did. Nobody will search for any. They just take your word for it.

Step 3) Blame the Jews. Always blame the Jews. Everyone hates the Jews, so this will win anyone over. Even Jews hate other Jews. Just look at Ben and Jerry’s or Bernie Sanders!

For me, it also helps I visited the United States in college to attend Harvard University for theatre. I would say it has helped me be more convincing.”

After high demand, ‘Hamas Teaches Gaslighting’ will be the first course available for MasterClass New Zealand, beginning next month.

Woman with Celiac Disease Afflicts Self on Yom Kippur by Going Hog Wild at Mall Food Court

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Basking Ridge, NJ — Last week, Ruthy Levinstein, of the Somerset County Levinsteins, opened her Bible, and saw that The Torah doesn’t actually say to not eat food on Yom Kippur. Instead, Leviticus 23, instructs us to afflict ourselves and deny ourselves, but does not go into specifics of what that entails. Levinstein decided to take matters into her own hands, and observe the Jewish Day of Atonement in an Unorthodox manner…both literally and figuratively.

“I have Celiac Disease,” Levinstein shared in an Instagram story. “Since I’m not supposed to eat, touch, or look at gluten, I decided to indulge myself…out of affliction! I spent my entire day yesterday eating gluten! I went to the mall food court and just cut loose! First I went to McDonald’s and ate an entire day’s worth of calories, but I couldn’t stop there! I was already in too deep. Then I went to Cinnabon for a pecan roll, and then I went to Auntie Anne’s for an original pretzel with no salt. That was followed by a dozen Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch at Taco Bell. After T Bell, I ordered some samosas and garlic naan from Mumbai To Go, and finally orange chicken and cream cheese rangoons from Panda Express. I even hit up Sbarro for some crappy pizza, just because I could! I was starting to feel like Joey Chestnut at this point. I was unstoppable!!! So I swung by Subway for a sub sample, and then I ventured to my favorite out parcel and topped everything off with a slice of French silk pie from Bakers Square. I thought I was finally finished, but, as I was driving away, I noticed an Olive Garden in the distance, and I really needed some breadsticks and fettuccine alfredo! I was like the very hungry caterpillar/Jewterpillar!! And, also, it turns out I have a tape worm. It felt so good emotionally to be able to do this, but I’m definitely paying the price, because I, unsurprisingly, wound up in the hospital! I will be afflicted by this for the next two months, at least. I denied myself my health, so I feel I have fulfilled the requirement of Yom Kippur in The Torah. I also afflicted my bank account, as fast food is anything but cheap these days. Not to mention the hospital bill I’ll be stuck with now. I also kind of wished I had picked higher quality food, but that Quarter Pounder with cheese hits differently when it’s forbidden. I honestly could have done this everyday for a week and still not have eaten all the things I miss, but even recklessness has its limits. Case in point, I’m in the hospital.”

While afflicting yourself comes in many forms, we do not recommend putting your health and or safety in jeopardy to do it.

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Man Repents in Front of Congregation After Murdering Plate of Pasta

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Lake of the Ozarks, MO – Shocking news out of Holy Redeemer Church of the Uncrossed Arms in Osage Beach this week, after an altar call prompted a man to publicly confess to murdering his dinner the previous night. When asked if there was anyone present who felt they needed to repent for sinning, congregant, Derek Larter, broke down in tears and and asked to share a confession with his church family.

“It is with a heavy heart, I must admit to everyone that I committed murder last night,” Larter shared with his congregation, via the church’s livestream. “My wife made the most amazing looking spaghetti that I have ever laid eyes on in my life…and I absolutely KILLED that plate of food. And then I did it again. And then once more. I don’t know what came over me. I was completely out of control. Things got out of hand. I allowed sin to take me over, and I am truly sorry…to my wife, to our kids, and to anyone else I may have hurt. I am ashamed of my actions, and I ask forgiveness for my atrocious behavior. I’m grateful Jesus died on the cross for a sinner like me, and I promise I will do everything in my power to seek help and make sure this never happens again. Also, if you ever get a chance to try my wife’s cooking, you should absolutely do it!”

The Elders of Larter’s church have suspended him from the audio visual team for one year, and are requiring him to seek counseling with the Senior Pastor. We will post more on this story as it develops.

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Jewish Person Shocked by Gentile Friend’s Lack of Kleenex Box in Every Room of the House

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Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.

“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”

Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.

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Church Men’s Group Excited for Monthly Outing at Satan’s Canyon

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Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.

“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”

If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224

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