Louisville, KY — 26 year old Morgan Stern of Louisville, KY had a Chanukah party for her friends this past weekend, to celebrate the sixth night of the holiday. Unlike most Chanukah festivities, this one was missing one key ingredient: oil and lots of it.
“It’s so hard to eat healthy during Chanukah,” Stern commented. “Everyone is obsessed with frying things in oil. I don’t really get it. We need to start living a healthier lifestyle, which is why I choose to follow the Whole 30 diet. The least I can do for my friends is help them eat well, even if it’s just for one meal. It’s really a Chanukah miracle that we’re all able to partake in our traditional food without all the extra fat and calories. Isn’t being happy and healthy what Chanukah is all about anyway?”
Sadly Ms. Stern has since been barred from hosting any subsequent Chanukah functions, due to her complete refusal to understand the whole point of what the oil stands for. Remember, kids, you can’t commemorate the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting for eight days without oil. So fry your latkes and your sufganyot and your cheese curds and your jalapeño poppers and your fried chicken in as much oil as you possibly can, and save your Whole 30 for Passover. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
Glendale, CA — After 60 years in business as IHOP, the International House of Pancakes announced this week it will be changing its name to IHOb, but has kept the new official name under wraps. Though most suspect the “b” will stand for ‘breakfast,’ IHOP has finally broken its silence and revealed it will actually stand for ‘Brit Milot,” which is the Hebrew term for male circumcision. On the heels of the movement of women gunning for public breastfeeding to be widely acceptable, one of America’s favorite breakfast chains is ready to see your half naked women and raise you fully naked babies.
“We’ve always been considered a Johnny-come-lately to Denny’s and it was time to take a drastic measure to really put us on the map,” IHOb’s VP of Marketing, J. Russell Findlay, posted on Facebook. “I know this is an extreme change, but we are very pleased to announce, that starting next week, each IHOb location will have a Mohel on hand, ready and available to perform table side circumcisions while you eat. Since food is a large part of the Jewish ceremony of male circumcision, you can now kill two birds with one stone, with food already on site. The idea came to me after watching my favorite movie, ‘Austin Powers in Goldmember.’ There is a scene where Goldmember is offering Austin Powers a ‘shmoke anna bancake’ or ‘smoke and a pancake’ and I thought, ‘That’s brilliant!’ But smoking in restaurants is outlawed in most states, so I had to come up with a plan B…a literal plan B. We can’t exactly offer a smoke and a pancake, but we can offer a schmecke and a pancake! So here we are. Am I Jewish? No; I just really like the word ‘schmecke.’”
Those that were expecting IHOP’s new name to emphasize more breakfast items than just pancakes have been sorely mistaken; no pun intended. If you’d like to make a reservation for the new Brit Milot services, simply contact your nearest IHOb and ask for the circumcision special. Come for the pancakes, stay to get your foreskin cut off.
Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.
“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”
The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!
Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.
“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”
Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”
A fantastic beard and great beard maintenance are an expectation that most people have for a Rabbi. Great beard maintenance means using lots of beard oil. It is believed to also be a throwback to the days of the High Priest, Aaron, who poured manly scented oil all over his beard. It is rumored that his beard actually built the Golden Calf from residue alone.
Recently, when Messianic Rabbi Shmuel Goldenfarb ran out of beard oil, he said to his wife, “I need more beard oil or people will leave our Synagogue and stop tithing.” His wife responded, “We can only afford one bottle of beard oil a year; that stuff is expensive.” That’s when Goldenfarb had an idea! He could raise the money on the interwebs! Of course not knowing how to use a computer, he called his Grandson, who quickly set up a GoFundMe for a year’s supply of beard oil.
Beard oil was much cheaper back in the day, but with the rise of Evangelical Hipster Pastors and their attempt to look like a cooler version of their favorite reformation preacher, the price has sky rocketed! At press time, Goldenfarb has raised eighteen cents towards his $150 goal. Turns out the eighteen cents was a mistake, when a Bubbe in Michigan meant to give eighteen cents to her grandson’s college fund because the number 18 represents “life.”
Goldenfarb noted that with all of the expectations that congregants put on a Messianic Rabbi, having to worry about how to afford beard oil should not be one them. You can help today and maybe even consider donating a bottle of beard oil to your Rabbi this coming Rosh Hashanah. Don’t worry, he won’t dip apples in it.
Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.
Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”
A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”
It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.