Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

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First Time Youth Group Attendee Accepts Jesus After Rousing Game of Murder and Lies

Salem, OR — 15 year old high school student, Jax Swantzenborg, was greeted with a surprise after going with his crush to her youth group at a local church on Sunday night. The evening began with a number of group members engaging in a game called “Mafia,” in which participants feign killing each other off, until only one team remains. What started as an innocent role playing game, ended in a teenager receiving eternal salvation.

“I had no idea Jesus was so cool!” Swantzenborg posted in a TikTok video. “Christians at school have always told me I’m a sinner and need to repent so that I don’t burst into flames, but now I see that Jesus is actually totally cool with me deceiving people and then killing them. I especially enjoyed killing off Madison’s boyfriend, and I can’t wait to put this into practice in my real life! Thank You, Jesus, for showing me the way!”

While Swantzenborg had the right idea by accepting Jesus into his heart, he thankfully has people in his life that are able to guide him in the right direction, and explain that just because it’s okay to play a game at church involving murder and lies, doesn’t mean it’s okay to participate in that out in the world. We are called to be a light to the world, and the practices in this common youth group game don’t translate that very well.

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Bunk History: Remember When Yeshua Encouraged Large Gatherings to Continue Happening Amid a Global Leprosy Outbreak?

It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:

•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy

•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy

•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’

•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery

•And more!

“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.

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Man Attending Virtual Seder Spends 45 Minutes Locating Missing Afikomen

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Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.

“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.  I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”

The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”

Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”

However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”

 

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Messianic Congregations Across United States Move to New ‘Abuseless Shabbat’ Format Amid COVID-19 Outbreak

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Murca — With a global pandemic at hand and the world rapidly changing, Messianic Congregations across the United States are being forced to re-format their weekly activities. Just as many corporations have moved their work online, Messianic Congregations are following suit. Synagogues are rushing to begin live-streaming their services, so as not to lose the attention of their attendees, while they are forced to close their physical locations for the unforeseeable future. Live-streaming services will allow Rabbis to continue giving their sermons, as well as collect online tithes. However, not meeting in person does present some challenges, including having to loosen their reigns on ensuring congregants stick by their side during this time of uncertainty.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself on Shabbat right now,” said Missy W., a member of a nameless Messianic Congregation, located somewhere in the United States. “I can live-stream my Rabbi’s sermon while I’m still in bed. I don’t even have to get up. So that’s like 45 minutes of my life. I don’t even have to get dressed to attend services right now. On a normal week, as a member, I’m required to be at my Synagogue for 10 hours every Saturday. I have to be at my Rabbi’s every beck and call. Sometimes I lead worship, sometimes I am in the nursery, sometimes I am running the soundboard, sometimes I am just a gopher for leadership. If I even try to miss a week of services, they pretty much put out an Amber Alert for me. One week I had a 103º fever and I had five people tell me if I didn’t show up in the next 20 minutes they would have a Sheriff’s Deputy come to my house and escort me there. My Rabbi is a really gifted speaker, but I can do without the rest of his controlling behavior. Our congregation has been closed for two weeks already, and I feel so free right now. I feel like I can breathe. For the first time, in eight years, I can finally just rest and not have to worry about what will happen to me if I just take the day to myself. This new arrangement, where our congregation is 100% virtual, allows me to filter out the bad and only deal with the good. And I am kind of enjoying not dealing with the bad. I’m seriously considering not even returning to my congregation when they re-open in a couple of months. And I actually feel okay with that. Is it okay to do this for myself? I don’t even know if that’s okay. It’s okay, right? Please tell me it’s okay.”

More than 70 Messianic Congregations across the United States and Canada have moved their Shabbat services online, during this time of social distancing. If you would like to attend a virtual Shabbat service, please visit this page for a list of options: https://messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/

Progressive Rabbi Volunteers Synagogue Building as Newest Site for Amazon Locker

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Pensacola, FL — Since 2011, internet retailer, Amazon, has been offering off site lockers in select locations. The lockers provide an alternative to having packages delivered to your home. As package theft becomes more and more prevalent, the need for these lockers is becoming greater. While Amazon lockers are typically found in retail locations, one Rabbi in Pensacola is providing space for them in his Synagogue.

“Well, we had some empty space available in our building that wasn’t being used for anything,” Rabbi Eric Tokajer, of Brit Ahm Messianic Synagogue, explained to the Messianic Daily News. “I’m always looking for new ideas for our congregation that will catapult us into the next decade, like a men’s conference, an inter-congregational cruise, and a coffee shop called ‘Java Nagila’ that we run once a month. Having Amazon Locker in our space is a great way to get people in the door that wouldn’t otherwise be setting foot in our building. We have so many events going on during the week, it’s likely they’ll walk in to pick up their package while a Bible study, dance class, or Shabbat service is happening. The hope is that they’ll either stay for the event, or come back for a later one. It’s even better if they select our congregation on Amazon Smile; not only are their packages giving back to us financially, but we wind up with more members, because they walked in and stayed for Shabbat, when they wouldn’t normally have been here otherwise. I know it’s a real forward thinking idea. I like to consider myself pretty progressive, which is why we own our Synagogue building, instead of renting it.”

After hearing about Brit Ahm’s new idea to acquire more members from the general population, it is expected that Messianic Congregations across the county will follow suit in hosting Amazon Lockers. At press time, Brit Ahm estimates they have five new congregants from this experiment; one of which Jewish.

 

 

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Jews for Jesus to Start Training Their Missionaries to Drive for Uber, in Latest Guerrilla Evangelism Tactic

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San Francisco, CA — Interesting news out of the headquarters of the largest Jewish evangelistic organization in the world, as Jews for Jesus announced they are now planning to train their missionaries to drive for Uber, in their latest guerrilla evangelism tactic. After acquiring Starbucks and opening several coffee shops across the globe, it was time to try something even more left field, in order to win hearts for Jesus. Uber, which is also headquartered in San Francisco, previously began a campaign to deliver Bibles upon request. After which, they were more than happy to partner with a local missionary organization.

“We are constantly trying to come up with new and creative ways to reach unsaved Jews,” Jews for Jesus Missionary and Head of Innovations, Isaac Brickner, explained in a recent newsletter. “If we get our missionaries driving for companies, such as Uber, our passengers are a captive audience. They have no choice but to listen to what we’re saying. They literally can’t walk away from us while we’re talking to them, unless they have really excellent tuck and roll skills. I don’t know why anyone would want to walk away from us anyway; we’re very fun. On top of this, it’s a great way for our missionaries to be able to raise a little extra support. Anyway, with Christmas and New Years coming up, lots of people are going to be calling for an Uber. It just seemed like perfect timing to test this out around the holidays. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to our intern, Rachel, for coming up with the name ‘Jewber for Jesus.’ Great work, Rachel!”

Jews for Jesus plans to have their missionary drivers fully trained in time for Christmas Eve, but did not have an exact date when that would begin. The new program is set for a trial run in San Francisco and New York City, with the other branches starting training early next year. Jews for Jesus said when you ride with them, you can expect to receive the following: a bottle of water, a mint, a broadside, and salvation. They are looking for more missionary/Jewber for Jesus drivers. If you’d like to serve with them, you can find out more information at https://jewsforjesus.org/get-involved/serve/

 

 

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Messianic Couple Swears Their House Sold Faster After Burying Upside Down Statue of Joel Chernoff in Their Backyard

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Walla Walla, WA — Astonishing news out of Walla Walla this week, after local Messianic couple, Frank and Janice Walkervicz, claim their house sold immediately after burying an upside down statue of famed Messianic musician, Joel Chernoff, in their backyard. The pair had been trying to relocate to Florida, but their house was not selling. After more than seven months on the market, the two finally reached a point of desperation.

“We’ve all heard the bubbemeis about how if you bury an upside down statue of Joel Chernoff in your backyard, your house would sell faster,” Frank Walkervicz explained to News Channel 9. “We’d tried everything up to this point: praying in English, praying in tongues, deliverance, tithing extra, and nothing was working. We’re just ready to get out of this state and retire to Florida, and Janice and I were just tired of waiting, so we thought, ‘what the heck?’ ya know? We had this old Joel Chernoff bobble head laying around that was given to us for being one of the first 100 people in the door at Messiah Conference one year, so we figured we’d give it a go. We buried it upside down in the backyard, as the legend foretold, and sure enough, our house sold just two hours later. Two hours! We couldn’t believe it! We can’t recommend this trick enough, if you want to sell your house. Goodbye, Walla Walla; hello, Sunshine State!”

While the aforementioned collector’s edition Joel Chernoff bobble head dolls are now out of print, we were able to locate some on Ebay, going for as much as $100,000 each. We hope the MJAA will begin offering them again someday, so all Messianics around the globe can partake in selling their homes in a more timely manner.

 

 

 

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