Woman Arrested for Peddling Black Market StrengthsFinder Codes Pleads for Clemency

Trenton, NJ — A local woman was arrested, and sentenced to five years in prison last Fall, after being found to be creating and distributing black market access codes for the personality test, StrengthsFinder. Gallup, the company that publishes the assessment, pressed charges against 32 year old Shannon Lannon, upon discovering the fraudulent codes, and where they originated from. Unlike other popular personality tests, StrengthsFinder does require you to purchase a book with an access code in it, in order to take the test. According to the Gallup website, the book retails for $39.99, with a current sale price of $19.99.

“Look, I know what it’s like to struggle with money,” Lannon explained, in an exclusive phone interview. “$40, even $20…that’s gas money for some people. And then you only get your top 5 strengths from that. You have to pay even more if you want your full list of all 34 strengths! Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Love Language, DISC…none of them charge you money to get your results. And with StrengthsFinder, some companies hire based off of your results, and there are books out about how to use your Strengths in your marriage. I just think everyone should be able to access it. So I may have hacked into their system and generated my own codes that would be compatible with their website, and then I sold them for $5 a pop, because Mama has to eat too, ya know? I’m basically a modern day Robin Hood. Rob from the rich and give to the poor…if Robin Hood made a small profit off of what he was doing. But, listen, I shouldn’t be locked up for trying to help people. My only mistake was selling the codes on Fiverr, because that’s how they found me. But five years in the slammer is a little extreme, and I’m currently working with both my lawyer and my Strengths Coach on how to best use my strengths to negotiate my way outta here.”

Lannon hopes to be released from prison within the next few months, and says her top 5 strengths are Includer, Maximizer, Strategic, Empathy, and Achiever.

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Strong’s Concordance Announces Addition of Words ‘Bootylicious’ and ‘D’oh’ in Preparation of Upcoming Millennial Bible Translation

Lake Forest, CA — The Blue Letter Bible Project announced this week it will be adding over 100 new millennial slang words to Strong’s Concordance, in preparation of the upcoming Millennial Bible Translation (MBT), that is expected to be published and distributed sometime next year.

A partial list of the added vernacular was leaked on Reddit early this morning, and includes the following:

•Amazeballs

•Bootylicious

•Bromance

•Cray

•D’oh

•Instagram Husband

•Janky

•Legit

•Phat

•Totally Tubular

•Yeet

The millennial word reference numbers will start with the letter “M,” in order to differentiate them from the original Greek or Hebrew. Though these words did not initially appear in the King James Version (KJV), they are a welcome update to a reference that otherwise leaves out any English version Bible translation that was published after 1611.

An advance copy of the MBT Book of Jonah has already been released, and is available to read here.

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Bible College Student in Hot Water After Using The Chosen to Write Report on the Gospel of Matthew

St. Paul, MN — A student at Bethel University in Minnesota is in trouble this week, after turning in a report on The Gospel of Matthew that was written based on a dramatized TV show, instead of The Bible. Student, Kade Poncerotti, turned in his paper, thinking he was slick, and was caught red handed.

“I’m absolutely appalled,” Professor Lila Quarter wrote in a letter to the student’s parents. “I saw this all the time when I taught at a secular university, but I never, in a million years, expected to see this happen at a Bible college. Then again, there weren’t any TV shows about Jesus up until now, and the movies about Him…well, I won’t comment on them. Anyway, I knew Kade had written his paper about The Chosen when he went on a tangent about how Simon Peter’s wife, Eden, should leave him for another man, because she’s too good for him. If Kade would like to continue his Biblical studies, he is going to have to figure out how to actually read The Bible instead of assuming a TV show is the same thing. It’s not. I don’t give my students stickers for their sticker chart unless they actually complete their assignment, and, right now, Kade’s sticker chart is empty.”

At press time, Kade Poncerotti has stopped showing up to class or communicating with Professor Quarter. Please note that The Chosen is not a replacement for reading The Gospels in The Bible. Unless, of course, you use The MSG translation, in which case, you may as well just take The Chosen as Bible.

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Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

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First Time Youth Group Attendee Accepts Jesus After Rousing Game of Murder and Lies

Salem, OR — 15 year old high school student, Jax Swantzenborg, was greeted with a surprise after going with his crush to her youth group at a local church on Sunday night. The evening began with a number of group members engaging in a game called “Mafia,” in which participants feign killing each other off, until only one team remains. What started as an innocent role playing game, ended in a teenager receiving eternal salvation.

“I had no idea Jesus was so cool!” Swantzenborg posted in a TikTok video. “Christians at school have always told me I’m a sinner and need to repent so that I don’t burst into flames, but now I see that Jesus is actually totally cool with me deceiving people and then killing them. I especially enjoyed killing off Madison’s boyfriend, and I can’t wait to put this into practice in my real life! Thank You, Jesus, for showing me the way!”

While Swantzenborg had the right idea by accepting Jesus into his heart, he thankfully has people in his life that are able to guide him in the right direction, and explain that just because it’s okay to play a game at church involving murder and lies, doesn’t mean it’s okay to participate in that out in the world. We are called to be a light to the world, and the practices in this common youth group game don’t translate that very well.

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Bunk History: Remember When Yeshua Encouraged Large Gatherings to Continue Happening Amid a Global Leprosy Outbreak?

It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:

•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy

•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy

•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’

•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery

•And more!

“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.

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Man Attending Virtual Seder Spends 45 Minutes Locating Missing Afikomen

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Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.

“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.  I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”

The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”

Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”

However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”

 

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Messianic Congregations Across United States Move to New ‘Abuseless Shabbat’ Format Amid COVID-19 Outbreak

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Murca — With a global pandemic at hand and the world rapidly changing, Messianic Congregations across the United States are being forced to re-format their weekly activities. Just as many corporations have moved their work online, Messianic Congregations are following suit. Synagogues are rushing to begin live-streaming their services, so as not to lose the attention of their attendees, while they are forced to close their physical locations for the unforeseeable future. Live-streaming services will allow Rabbis to continue giving their sermons, as well as collect online tithes. However, not meeting in person does present some challenges, including having to loosen their reigns on ensuring congregants stick by their side during this time of uncertainty.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself on Shabbat right now,” said Missy W., a member of a nameless Messianic Congregation, located somewhere in the United States. “I can live-stream my Rabbi’s sermon while I’m still in bed. I don’t even have to get up. So that’s like 45 minutes of my life. I don’t even have to get dressed to attend services right now. On a normal week, as a member, I’m required to be at my Synagogue for 10 hours every Saturday. I have to be at my Rabbi’s every beck and call. Sometimes I lead worship, sometimes I am in the nursery, sometimes I am running the soundboard, sometimes I am just a gopher for leadership. If I even try to miss a week of services, they pretty much put out an Amber Alert for me. One week I had a 103º fever and I had five people tell me if I didn’t show up in the next 20 minutes they would have a Sheriff’s Deputy come to my house and escort me there. My Rabbi is a really gifted speaker, but I can do without the rest of his controlling behavior. Our congregation has been closed for two weeks already, and I feel so free right now. I feel like I can breathe. For the first time, in eight years, I can finally just rest and not have to worry about what will happen to me if I just take the day to myself. This new arrangement, where our congregation is 100% virtual, allows me to filter out the bad and only deal with the good. And I am kind of enjoying not dealing with the bad. I’m seriously considering not even returning to my congregation when they re-open in a couple of months. And I actually feel okay with that. Is it okay to do this for myself? I don’t even know if that’s okay. It’s okay, right? Please tell me it’s okay.”

More than 70 Messianic Congregations across the United States and Canada have moved their Shabbat services online, during this time of social distancing. If you would like to attend a virtual Shabbat service, please visit this page for a list of options: https://messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/