Category Archives: Environmental

Jewish Person Shocked by Gentile Friend’s Lack of Kleenex Box in Every Room of the House

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Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.

“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”

Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.

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Church Men’s Group Excited for Monthly Outing at Satan’s Canyon

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Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.

“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”

If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224

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Bunk History: Remember When Yeshua Encouraged Large Gatherings to Continue Happening Amid a Global Leprosy Outbreak?

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It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:

•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy

•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy

•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’

•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery

•And more!

“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.

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BREAKING: Congregation’s Aluminum Sukkah Lost In Light Breeze

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San Francisco, CA – Following a sudden, unexpected light breeze, a search party has been formed to locate Congregation Beth Messiah’s brand new aluminum sukkah, which was last seen tumbling across the synagogue’s parking lot just after the wind began to blow.

“I was walking into the building this morning when this gentle wind picked up,” said Rabbi Michael Cohen. “At first I thought it was rather pleasant, but next thing I knew, I saw our sukkah tumbling end over end across the lot. It was halfway to the street before I even realized what was happening. I tried to run after it, but then the breeze picked up slightly and it blew down the hill and out of sight. I searched a block or so in every direction, but once it became clear that I wasn’t going to find it that way, I started calling our members to assist in the search.”

Within the hour, eight people had shown up to assist in the search, but the first foray turned up no results. “This kind of thing can be really tricky,” said longtime member Jacob Roth. “I’ve got one of those aluminum sukkahs myself. First year I used it, two days in, the wind picked up and the thing just lifted into the air like a box kite. I ended up having to get the ladder to pull it out of a tree. That’s when I learned: if you’re going to use one of these things, you need a good yard and lots of tent pegs. Otherwise, I doubt it’s even worth it.”

According to Rabbi Cohen, Mr. Roth had voiced these concerns to him at the start of the search. “I agree tent pegs would be a great idea if we had anything to drive them into, but we’ve got nothing but a cement parking lot here. Frankly, I’m mostly concerned with finding it right now. Once we’ve got it back here, we’ll worry about how to keep this from happening again.”

At press time, the search radius had been expanded and the search party had been sent out again.

Note: This is a developing story, and will be updated as new information becomes available.

UPDATE 10:23 AM: The sukkah was successfully located half a mile away, upside down and floating in the bay. It has been fished out, dried off and returned to the synagogue. Following a brief debate, it has been tied to their fence to prevent future incidents. 

UPDATE 10:25 AM: Another breeze picked up, and the sukkah was blown over onto its side but otherwise remained in place.

 

 

 

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Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: The Three Little Kosher Pigs Celebrate Sukkot

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Once upon a time there were three Kosher pigs: Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah. You may ask yourself how pigs could be Kosher; well they are grafted into the olive tree, so just deal with it, okay? Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah were very excited to celebrate their first Sukkot. So excited, in fact, that they each chose to build their very own Sukkah!

The first pig, Tekiah, built his entire Sukkah out of straw, and not just the sechach (roof). Tekiah was kvelling over the first Sukkah he ever made, when a Cantor from a local Synagogue, Pinchas Wolf, came by to inspect the structure.

“You call this a Sukkah?” Wolf scoffed. This Sukkah wouldn’t last one day in the wind and rain. How do you expect it to withstand all seven days of Sukkot? This is why PIGS should not be allowed to build Sukkahs. You have no idea what you’re doing or why.”

“This is my first Sukkah,” Tekiah replied. But Adonai commands us to build a Sukkah every year.”

“No,” Wolf retorted. “Adonai commands JEWS to build Sukkahs. YOU are NOT Jewish. You are a PIG. Shouldn’t you be more concerned with Christmas trees and Easter baskets?”

“I may be a pig on the outside, but on the inside I have a Jewish heart,” Tekiah declared. “Yeshua made me Kosher.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. You’re a pig, and you believe in Yeshua and you expect me to consider you Jewish when you haven’t even converted? If you were REALLY a Jew, your Sukkah wouldn’t be the chaserai that it is. If you were REALLY a Jew, it would stand against the wind. I’m going to huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down and then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew poor Tekiah’s Sukkah down. And he laughed as Tekiah cried and ran to the comfort of his brother, Shevarim.

Now Shevarim had chosen to fashion his Sukkah out of sticks. After hearing of Tekiah’s experience with Wolf, Shevarim was certain he had made the right choice. Tekiah helped Shevarim decorate his Sukkah with gourds, fruit, and paper chains hanging from the sechach.

“This Sukkah is shayna,” Tekiah told his brother. “My Sukkah was ongepotchket and could not even withstand being breathed on, there is no way it could have lasted all seven days of Sukkot. Maybe Wolf was right. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a Jew.”

“Don’t be silly,” Shevarim reassured his brother. “You have a Jewish heart and so do I. Forget about Wolf’s opinion. We will celebrate Sukkot together as brothers.”

Just then, Pinchas Wolf came by to torment the brothers.

“Well well well, what do we have here? Yet another sorry excuse for a Sukkah!” Wolf taunted. “Your brother’s Sukkah wouldn’t stand and neither will yours. You’re just a PIG. You have no right to build a Sukkah, a tradition of MY people.”

“I have a Jewish heart,” Shevarim stated. “Yeshua made me Kosher and I have every right to build a Sukkah and take part in God’s appointed times.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. “If you were REALLY Jewish you could build a Sukkah that would last through the wind and rain of all seven days of Sukkot. I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down. Then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew poor Shevarim’s Sukkah down. And he laughed as Tekiah and Shevarim ran to the comfort of their brother, Teruah.

Now, unlike his brothers, Teruah had made a trip to a nearby Judaica shop and purchased a Sukkah kit, which required no skill or expertise to construct, and was suitable for all of God’s creations.

“This Sukkah is shayna,” Tekiah and Shevarim told their brother. “Our Sukkahs were ongepotchket and could not even withstand being breathed on, there is no way they could have withstood all seven days of Sukkot. Maybe Wolf was right. Maybe we are not cut out to be Jews.”

“Don’t be silly,” Teruah reassured his brothers. “You both have Jewish hearts and so do I. Forget about Wolf’s opinion. We will all celebrate Sukkot together as brothers.”

Just then Pinchas Wolf came by to torment the brothers.

“Well well well, what do we have here? An even SORRIER excuse than the other two Sukkahs!” Wolf taunted. Haven’t you PIGS learned your lesson by now? The first two Sukkahs wouldn’t stand and neither will this one. You have no right to build a Sukkah, so how could it last? Go get your own traditions and leave Sukkah building to the Jews.”

“I have a Jewish heart,” Teruah stated. “Yeshua made me Kosher and I have every right to build a Sukkah and take part in God’s appointed times.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. “If you were REALLY Jewish you could build a Sukkah that would last through the wind and rain of all seven days of Sukkot. I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down. Then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and the Sukkah did not budge. A little famisht, he dusted himself off, and tried again. And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and the Sukkah did not budge.

“Oy!” said Wolf. “My lungs are a little tired from already blowing down two Sukkahs today.” So he caught his breath, dusted himself off, and tried again. And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and still the Sukkah did not budge.

“Your Sukkah is still standing. What is different about this Sukkah than the other two?”

“Well,” said Teruah. “I was nervous about my first Sukkah. I let people like you convince me that a pig could not build a proper Sukkah. So I prayed for Yeshua to guide me in the right direction and He led me to my local Judaica shop. They had these Sukkah kits that required no skill or expertise to construct and are suitable for all of God’s creations. I knew if I used the Sukkah kit Yeshua led me to, it would stay standing during all seven days of Sukkot, even enduring wind and rain.”

“Yeshua helped you build a proper Sukkah?” Wolf asked.

“Of course,” Teruah replied. “Yeshua is Jewish afterall!”

“He is?” Wolf asked, surprised. “I always thought He was Catholic.”

“Yeshua is Jewish!” Exclaimed all three brothers, excitedly. “He came first for the Jew and then to the nations!”

Then Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah invited Pinchas Wolf to have dinner with them in their Sukkah and have a conversation about Yeshua and how He came to save the Jews, even when they aren’t very nice to their neighbors whose hearts are in the right place, though they may not be the best at Sukkah construction and maybe they weren’t born Jewish, but they still have Jewish hearts and that’s what matters.

And they all lived happily ever after, because Yeshua saved them and gave them new hearts, even if they did not deserve them, for it is by grace they have been saved.

The end.

 

 

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Were Your Services Canceled This Weekend Due to Weather?

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If your congregation had to cancel services this weekend, because of the hurricane(s) or wildfires, here is a list of the Messianic congregations that livestream their services (Please make note of where they are located, however, as the Florida and Georgia congregations have canceled their services). Your physical and emotional safety and wellbeing is very important and our thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Isaiah 43:2 TLV
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you,
or through the rivers,
they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned,
nor will the flame burn you.

UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference

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Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.

“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”

The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.

 

 

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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography

April the Giraffe Finally Gives Birth, Is Immediately Slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis After They Realize Giraffes are Biblically Kosher

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Harpursville, NY – After what feels like an eight year long pregnancy, the famed giraffe, April, from the Animal Adventure Park in New York, finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on Saturday, April 15th, 2017. April was originally due two months ago, but we believe she was intentionally waiting for the month she was named after. However, in a sad turn of events, April was slaughtered, early yesterday, for purposes of being eaten by Orthodox Jews, who realized giraffes are biblically Kosher.

“According to Leviticus 11, giraffes are Kosher animals, since they chew cud and have cloven hooves, like cows,” said local Orthodox Rabbi, Stan Liebowitz. “I’ve never eaten a giraffe before and I’ve never known anyone who has, so once we were able to locate a giraffe nearby, we knew we needed to make haste on the opportunity. April was a prime candidate for us; she’s 15 years old and giraffes usually only live till 15. She was probably gonna die soon anyway. So we figured we should just put her out of her misery. She was delicious though, I have to tell you. We normally eat lamb for the final seder, but this year we are treating ourselves to giraffe. And there’s plenty more left. As soon as Peach ends, we’ll certainly be enjoying these giraffe burgers. Shame they’re endangered though; I could make a killing off of selling giraffe meat.”

While giraffes may, indeed, be both biblically Kosher and delicious, we, at The Messianic Meow, do not condone eating them. Please recite the Mourner’s Kaddish in memory of poor April. What a way to go. I guess being an internet celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

 

 

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YMJA Announces Extreme South Regional Retreat In Antarctica

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In response to the overwhelming success of their various regional conferences, the YMJA has announced the first ever youth-only Extreme South regional retreat, which will be the first regional conference to take place outside of the United States. The event will take place in January of 2018, and will be held at McMurdo base in Antarctica.

“We’re very excited to announce this new regional retreat,” said YMJA President Jason Rich. “It’s a fantastic opportunity for all of our YMJA members who are currently conducting scientific research at the South Pole, as well as those who would simply enjoy the change of scenery, to gather together and focus on their spiritual walks. This will be a true retreat, even more so than any of our other conferences – a chance to get away from all of life’s distractions and focus on fellowship and drawing closer to God.”

Obviously, the retreat’s polar location has prompted some adjustments to the YMJA’s usual retreat format. Rather than being set for a specific place and time, outdoor events such as the snowman competition, the penguin safari and the ice fishing will be scheduled to occur somewhere within a certain time range, with the precise time and location announced shortly before the event based on weather and leopard seal sightings. Indoor events will still have specified times, but since the base functions primarily as a research station, the events may shift locations due to the needs of the site’s staff.

The unusual site has also prompted some additions and tweaks to the rules. For example, the YMJA’s infamous modesty motto, “If your belly button shows, you’ve got to change your clothes,” has been altered to better suit the situation of the retreat’s extreme climate; as such, attendees will instead be informed that, “If your belly button shows, remember these helpful tips to prevent frostbite.” Also, in a move sure to please the under 18 crowd, the usual midnight curfew has been waived. The reason for this change is that it was judged superfluous in a facility where all outdoor travel requires the presence of a qualified chaperone due to the cold and the need to protect the environment from excess human interference. Additionally, the YMJA leadership team has specifically asked that people refrain from bringing a particular item. “We realize that the temptation must be great to watch the movie ‘The Thing’ while you’re in Antarctica,” said YMJA treasurer Ravi Goldberg. “After all, it takes place at the very facility we’ll be staying at. However due to its R rating, we ask that attendees not bring or watch the movie while at the retreat.”

As for the cost of attending, which may be high due to the exorbitant rental fees charged by the base for use of their facilities, Goldberg says that some financial assistance will be available for those unable to cover the expense. “We don’t want the cost to force anyone to miss out on this wonderful opportunity,” he said. “Sadly we can’t do anything about travel expenses, but we will have a limited number of scholarships available to cover the price of the conference.”

For those interested in attending, details including registration information will soon be available on the YMJA website. And if you are looking to come out, President Rich has one last piece of advice for you. “Whatever you do,” he says, “don’t forget your coat!”

 

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The 12 Most Influential Messianics Under 12

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The Messianic Meow has compiled a list of the 12 most influential Messianics in America, who have yet to become old enough to be called to The Torah, yet are on pace to change the Messianic movement as we know it. In no particular order, here they are:

1) Eliana Wisenthal (4), Temple New Jerusalem, Dunedin, FL – At the ripe age of four years old, Eliana is already designing world class roller coasters with a velocity higher than the future Yeshualand location on The Moon. Eliana scored so well on Jewish Voice’s Predictive Index test, that President Bernis has already signed a contract with her to be Yeshualand’s primary roller coaster designer, in addition to writing her in as the sole beneficiary of his will.

2)  Elyana Salzberg (10), Ahavat Zion, Santa Monica, CA – Though she has already hit double digits and is no spring chicken, Elyana Salzberg has finally baked the world’s largest challah, that is said to be able to feed the entire population of Montana. The single loaf of bread measures 47 cubits long and weighs 180lbs.

3)  Ellyana Granneman (9), Brit Ahm, Pensacola, FL – Ellyana Granneman is the first person in the history of Messianic Judaism to invent a new form of Davidic Dancing that combines both dancing and eating at the same time, proving to be truly Jewish. Ellyana also choreographed Marty Goetz’s Broadway musical, “They Tried To Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat” and she is expected to win a Tony Award for her choreography…and we ain’t lai-in’!

4)  David Ruthstein (7), Keren Ohr, Savannah, GA – At just seven years old, David Ruthstein holds the world record for the longest Tekiah Gedolah. David is able to hold out the note on the shofar for a full 17 minutes. David was instrumental in orchestrating the upcoming Yeshualand Philharmonic that will be performing at the grand opening of both the Arizona and Seattle locations. David can also be found blowing his shofar at inappropriate times, such as outside, during a hurricane.

5)  David Benafuchi (6), Adat HaTikvah, Deerfield, IL – David Benafuchi is a boy genius and can chant the entire Torah, from memory. On top of this, he can also do hagbah one handed. Come to think of it, David’s parents have yet to produce his birth certificate, so he may possibly just be a very small adult. That would also explain the full grown beard.

6)  Elliana Rosenplaza (6), Beth Messiah, Cincinnati, OH – Six year old Elliana Rosenplaza is the youngest Shadchen in the movement. Though she is currently missing four of her teeth, she has already arranged nine marriages, three of which are already expecting their first children. Baby, you’re the greatest!

7)  David Sanders (8), Mayim Chayim, Daphne, AL – David Sanders attends a synagogue in Alabama. Mazel tov, David!

8)  David Orbach (11), Lev HaShem, Las Vegas, NV – Though his voice hasn’t even changed yet, David Orbach is the first official Messianic Mohel. David will be traveling the country performing Brit Milot upon request. He’s great about not getting too snippy about last minute ceremonies.

9)  Eliana Hernandez (2), Restoration, Seattle, WA – Baby Eliana isn’t such a baby anymore. Though she technically isn’t even potty trained, Eliana is near complete on writing her first Kosher Whole 30 cook book. Her creativity is delicious!

10) Eliana Cohen (5), Kol Mashiach, Melbourne, FL – Eliana Cohen, our little negotiator, who was able to talk The Rosen into lowering conference prices even more than they already were. Eliana is well on her way to being the youngest conference junkie ever and  she’s not even in Kindergarten yet. And they say you can’t teach children to haggle.

11) Noah Adler (9), Tree of Life, San Diego, CA – Noah Adler can garden with the best of them. Noah commutes between San Diego and Israel every week to plant trees for Bar Mitzvah boys and Bat Mitzvah girls. Adler says he hopes to eventually branch out beyond Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts.

12) Eliana Lavin (11), Baruch HaShem, Dallas, TX – Eliana Lavin is busy in Texas raising pigs to chew cud, so that they can be considered Kosher animals. And by Kosher, of course we mean Biblically Kosher, AKA “Messianic Kosher.”

Keep an eye out for these youngsters; soon they will be the ones arguing with each other over trivial things that only hinder the Messianic movement from progressing, rather than building God’s kingdom, like it should be!

 

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