Murca — April the Giraffe, who rose to celebrity status by being pregnant for a year and a half, gave birth to a male calf this past weekend, and then was mercilessly slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis who wanted to take advantage of giraffes being biblically Kosher. To raise funds for an upgrade of their giraffe encounter, Animal Adventure Park is having a contest to name the new baby giraffe. The wider believing community agreed to make the most of this incredible evangelistic opportunity and name the baby “Jesus is The Messiah.”
“Every believer can agree on one thing, and that’s that Jesus is The Messiah,” said Jonathan Bernis, President of the Messianic Movement. “Have you read that book ‘The One Thing’ by Gary Keller? It’s great! Anyway, our one thing is we all have the same Messiah, whether we are Jewish or Gentile. We put our feelers out through Jewish Voice, the MJAA, the UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People, Tikkun, First Fruits of Zion, The Tree of Life Bible Society, Life in Messiah, The Messianic Times, and our partnering Christian ministries and everyone agreed naming the baby giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ is an evangelistic opportunity that we should not pass up. We decided our message would reach more people if we used the name Jesus, instead of Yeshua. That baby will have a long name, but it will be worth it. Plus, if it can’t hack it as a giraffe, it can always become a race horse.”
Animal Adventure Park is allowing people to pay to vote for names for the new calf. There is no maximum of votes, but there is a minimum of five. Each vote costs $1. Please visit www.nameaprilscalf.com to vote to name the new baby ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ and help get our message out!
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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.
President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.
Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”
Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.
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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.
The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.
With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.
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