Rabbi to Hand Out Mezuzahs to Trick-or-Treaters After Purchasing Hundreds on Bulk Clearance

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Lincoln, NE — After a local Judaica store offered a going-out-of-business liquidation sale, Rabbi Gerry Barry of Beth Jesus House of The Lord in Lincoln, Nebraska, made sure to take advantage of the clearance prices. Barry cleared out the store’s entire inventory of mezuzah cases, as the store promised an extra discount for anyone with the chutzpah to do so.

“I don’t know why Lincoln’s only Judaica store would go out of business in the first place, but I was more than happy to purchase 720 mezuzah cases at only $2 a piece,” Rabbi Barry explained. “Now that’s a metziah if I ever saw one! Initially I had no plan for the mezuzot, but at those prices, I simply could not pass up the bargain. Now that I have them, the only thing I can think to use them for is trick-or-treaters. I’ll be honest, I HATE Halloween! It’s from HaSatan and I usually hide in my basement every October 31st and turn all my lights out, but what else am I going to do with 720 mezuzah cases? At least this way the children have something meaningful and not just an extra way to rot their teeth. What little boy or girl in Nebraska wouldn’t want a free mezuzah case?! They’ll have to get their own Kosher scroll though; I’m not made of money after all!”

Rabbi Barry says he will be handing out the mezuzahs at his house tonight from 4pm-8pm; the town’s trick-or-treating hours. He said any child dressed as a witch, the devil, or Harry Potter will be given an extra mezuzah case, as well as some anointing oil.

 

 

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Sold Out Congregational Seder Not Attended By Any Congregation Members

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Montpelier, VT – Last night, Congregation Beth Messiah of Montpelier, Vermont, held its biggest event of the year: their congregational Passover Seder. After months of hype, announcements in every service and over a thousand mailers sent throughout the city, the event was sold out, and every seat was filled. However, as Rabbi Jacob Felberbaum and his elders proceeded through the Seder, they began to notice something peculiar.

“I looked out into the crowd, and there were absolutely no familiar faces,” said Assistant Rabbi Mark Weissman. “Then I wandered a bit during the meal, and when not a single Bubbe grabbed me to talk my ear off about her thoughts on the morning’s service I knew something was wrong. So after the Seder, I went back and checked through the ticket sales records, and it was just as I’d suspected – not a single member had bought a ticket.”

“It’s a bit of a shock,” said Rabbi Felberbaum upon hearing the news. “Sure, we’ve had somewhat low turnout among members for the past decade or so, with most of the seats these days going to church groups and Hebrew Roots folks looking for a taste of the ‘Jewish experience.’ Still, we’ve always had at least a few members – newer folks in particular, plus a few old stalwarts bringing out friends or relatives. I’m not sure what changed this year.”

Rank and file members of the congregation, however, were significantly less surprised by the revelation. “I don’t know why anyone in the synagogue would go to that thing,” said Becca Meltzer. “It’s $35 a pop, catered by goyim who couldn’t make a decent matzah ball soup if their life depended on it, and it’s on a random night that has no significance, whatsoever. Besides, I was already invited to two other home Seders this week, and my attention span can only sit through so much; why would I pick the one that costs money?”

“I attended the Seder once when I first joined, but I’ll never make that mistake again,” said Josh Wingert, echoing Becca’s sentiments. “They take even longer to get to the meal than my parents, and my Dad spends like an hour on the Passover story alone. But the last straw for me was the charoset, which until that night had always been the highlight of the Seder for me. I don’t know what they were thinking; the stuff is supposed to remind you of mortar, but what they put in front of me looked more like dry trail mix.”

A further survey of members also revealed that, even if they’d been interested in attending the Congregational Seder, most had already committed to one of the five other Seders held that night by Beth Messiah members. The largest of these was held by the Rabbi’s own mother, who hosted just over two dozen people in her spacious dining room.

“Of course I went to Mama Sarah’s Seder,” said Sam Finkel. “I wouldn’t have gone to the Synagogue one anyway, but anyone who’d even consider turning down an invitation to her Seder has either never eaten her cooking, or he’s gone completely meshuggah.”

At press time, Rabbi Felberbaum had not responded to The Meow’s inquiries as to whether he’d been invited to his mother’s Seder.

 

 

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Admits to Being Jewish

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North Pole — Unexpected news out of Santa’s Village this week, as his odd-man-out reindeer, Rudolph, announced he is actually Jewish. Despite working for the King of the Gentiles, our beloved red-nosed friend revealed he is actually a member of the tribe. While this comes as a surprise for most, we really should have known all along.

“I didn’t think it was a secret,” Rudolph said in a recent press conference.” The other reindeer were always making fun of my nose, and my last name’s Rudolph, for gosh sakes. Wait, wait…you didn’t actually think the reindeer went by our FIRST names, did you? You actually thought someone would name their child Blizten or Dasher??? We weren’t born in 2018 where the millennials name their kids Abcde. No, my name is Jacob Rudolph. Yeah…see, now it’s not really a shock anymore, is it?”

Some may wonder why Jews would move to the North Pole when they would be in the minority there. Rudolph said his Father was hired by Santa to be his personal combined Lawyer, Accountant, and Doctor when Rudolph was a child; an offer his Father could not refuse. The salary was guaranteed to put food on the table and keep Rudolph’s nose lit for his entire life. Yes, it was tough for the Rudolphs to be the only Jewish family around, but it was worth it just for the endless supply of milk and cookies the family would receive as a thank you from Mr. Claus himself. 

Rudolph said his family was even able to introduce Jewish culture to the Claus family, and Santa enjoyed celebrating Shabbat, and all the other holidays that involve food. Rudolph’s Father also gave Santa some Yiddish lessons. Rudolph said one of his favorite childhood memories was his Father explaining the word “Nudnik” to Claus by telling him not to be a ‘Naked Santa Claus’…a ‘Nude Nick,’ as in St. Nick.

 

 

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Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

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The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!

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With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.

Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.

 

How to play:

 

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”

•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage

•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair

•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you

•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:

    -One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take

an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from

The Falcon

    -Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes

    -You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be

included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario

•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class

•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together

•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it

•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens

•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf

•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi

•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference

•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit

•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting

•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced

•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance

•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English

•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult

•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band

•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”

•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry

•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible

•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story

•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done

•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year

 

 

 

Our favorite mocktail recipes:

 

Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary

1 glass of tomato juice

1 stalk of celery

Ice (optional)

 

Virgin Mojitoseph Project

1 oz fresh lime juice

2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar

1 cup crushed ice

12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs

1 oz club soda

1 old lamb

 

Virgin White Russian Jew

1/2 cup heavy cream

1 oz cold brew coffee

1 jar of gefilte fish

Ice

 

Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach

1 oz peach juice

3 oz orange juice

3 oz cranberry juice

1 One piece bathing suit

 

The YMJA

Hummus

Chocolate milk

Fruit roll ups

Doritos

The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union

Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye

 

 

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Christians Must ‘Unhitch’ Jesus From Their Faith, Says Andy Stanley

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(SCREENSHOT: YOUTUBE/ANDY STANLEY)

 

Alpharetta, GA — The Senior Pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA, Andy Stanley, stated in his sermon, this past Sunday, that Christians must ‘unhitch’ their faith from Jesus. Just one week after suggesting that Christians must unhitch their faith from the Old Testament, Stanley has made yet another surprising announcement, that only furthers his belief in Replacement Theology. While many Christian Pastors are trying to get in touch with the Jewish roots of their faith, Stanley is working hard to drive a wedge between himself and the truth, and attempting to take as many misguided lemmings with him as possible.

“God has called us to be Christians,” Stanley said in his most recent sermon. “How can we be Christians when we are following a Jew? Jesus, or ‘Jewsus,’ as I like to call Him, is not a Christian; He is Jewish. To follow a Jew means we should be observing Jewish holidays and traditions, which we clearly are not doing, and have no intention to either. We must press onward and leave Jewsus behind with the rest of His kind. They are no longer God’s chosen people, but we are. And we must set an example for the rest of the world, by completely disregarding all of God’s instructions. It’s an uncharted path we’re walking here, but I’m confident, if we walk it together, we’ll get to where we need to be. And maybe that road doesn’t lead to Heaven, but maybe it leads somewhere better, like the Coca Cola headquarters, which are right here in sunny Atlanta. Look, I’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, I’m just saying it’s time to try something new. So we join forces and march onward, Christian soldiers. Onward to a new future and a new life. A life of high fructose corn syrup and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.”

Despite Andy Stanley’s recent ‘teachings,’ we know that Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 5:17-18 that He did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it, and until Heaven and Earth pass away, not even the smallest letter or stroke of a pen will disappear until everything comes to pass. Because of this, we can say for certain unhitching your faith from the Old Testament is completely against God’s will. But don’t take our word for it; head to BibleGateway or download the YouVersion Bible app and look it up for yourself, in the translation of your choice.

 

 

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