The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!

MessiahConf2018

With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.

Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.

 

How to play:

 

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”

•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage

•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair

•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you

•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:

    -One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take

an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from

The Falcon

    -Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes

    -You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be

included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario

•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class

•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together

•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it

•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens

•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf

•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi

•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference

•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit

•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during the prayer lines

•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced

•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance

•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English

•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult

•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band

•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”

•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry

•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible

•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story

•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done

•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year

 

 

 

Our favorite mocktail recipes:

 

Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary

1 glass of tomato juice

1 stalk of celery

Ice (optional)

 

Virgin Mojitoseph Project

1 oz fresh lime juice

2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar

1 cup crushed ice

12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs

1 oz club soda

1 old lamb

 

Virgin White Russian Jew

1/2 cup heavy cream

1 oz cold brew coffee

1 jar of gefilte fish

Ice

 

Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach

1 oz peach juice

3 oz orange juice

3 oz cranberry juice

1 One piece bathing suit

 

The YMJA

Hummus

Chocolate milk

Fruit roll ups

Doritos

The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union

Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye

 

 

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Christians Must ‘Unhitch’ Jesus From Their Faith, Says Andy Stanley

andy-stanley

(SCREENSHOT: YOUTUBE/ANDY STANLEY)

 

Alpharetta, GA — The Senior Pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA, Andy Stanley, stated in his sermon, this past Sunday, that Christians must ‘unhitch’ their faith from Jesus. Just one week after suggesting that Christians must unhitch their faith from the Old Testament, Stanley has made yet another surprising announcement, that only furthers his belief in Replacement Theology. While many Christian Pastors are trying to get in touch with the Jewish roots of their faith, Stanley is working hard to drive a wedge between himself and the truth, and attempting to take as many misguided lemmings with him as possible.

“God has called us to be Christians,” Stanley said in his most recent sermon. “How can we be Christians when we are following a Jew? Jesus, or ‘Jewsus,’ as I like to call Him, is not a Christian; He is Jewish. To follow a Jew means we should be observing Jewish holidays and traditions, which we clearly are not doing, and have no intention to either. We must press onward and leave Jewsus behind with the rest of His kind. They are no longer God’s chosen people, but we are. And we must set an example for the rest of the world, by completely disregarding all of God’s instructions. It’s an uncharted path we’re walking here, but I’m confident, if we walk it together, we’ll get to where we need to be. And maybe that road doesn’t lead to Heaven, but maybe it leads somewhere better, like the Coca Cola headquarters, which are right here in sunny Atlanta. Look, I’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, I’m just saying it’s time to try something new. So we join forces and march onward, Christian soldiers. Onward to a new future and a new life. A life of high fructose corn syrup and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.”

Despite Andy Stanley’s recent ‘teachings,’ we know that Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 5:17-18 that He did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it, and until Heaven and Earth pass away, not even the smallest letter or stroke of a pen will disappear until everything comes to pass. Because of this, we can say for certain unhitching your faith from the Old Testament is completely against God’s will. But don’t take our word for it; head to BibleGateway or download the YouVersion Bible app and look it up for yourself, in the translation of your choice.

 

 

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Chocolate Omer Calendars Now Available in the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop

Jewishchocolate

Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.

“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”

The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!

 

 

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Church Potlucks vs. Synagogue Potlucks: A Holiday Guide For Those Who Are Straddling Two Worlds

potluck

With Chanukah and Christmas approaching, if you attend religious services somewhere, you are bound to have at least one potluck to attend in the near future. If you’re reading this, I would assume that, like me, you have spent at least part of your life bouncing back and forth between synagogues and churches. Maybe you’re unsatisfied with your local Messianic congregation, maybe you didn’t discover Messianic Judaism until later in life and are struggling with where you fit in, or maybe you are in a relationship where one of you is Jewish and the other is not. Whatever the case may be, you know that churches and synagogues, regardless of the sect or denomination, are vastly different from each other.

Though all four of my Grandparents were Jewish and my DNA test came up approximately 98.5% Ashkenazi, I was raised in a very Gentile area. Being Jewish in Mundelein was like being gay in 1953. You probably weren’t the only one, but nobody talked about it. And if you did talk about it, you were treated like you had Leprosy. So it was much easier to go to church and live my life as a Christian. It wasn’t until I was well into college that I found my way back to Messianic Judaism. And even then, I spent quite a while going back and forth between synagogues and churches. Because of this, I have been able to observe many potlucks, in both types of settings, and I am going to share with you what I’ve learned from these experiences:

When it comes to church potlucks, mayonnaise is key. That’s right; mayonnaise. Gentiles love mayonnaise based dishes. It doesn’t matter if it’s chicken, potatoes, macaroni, or old shoe laces. If it’s swimming in mayonnaise, they will eat that #@%! up. And by eat it up, I mean figuratively, of course. Don’t expect any food you bring to a church potluck to actually get eaten, despite the fact that you don’t have to worry about picky people, like you would at a Jewish potluck. Gentiles love to talk about eating food more than they actually love eating it. As a Jew, I can’t figure this one out, but we’ll get to that later. I’ve been to many a Gentile potluck and only once have I had something completely finished off, and that is my ‘Magic Guacamole.’ (And don’t think you’re getting the recipe, because that one’s gonna cost you). Everything else has no more than a few bites taken out of it, by the time the event ends. It doesn’t matter how good it is, how much people tell me they love it, or how much effort I put into it, it will not get eaten. I’ve given up. Why should I put effort into making food for people that won’t eat it? The last time I went to a potluck at a church I wound up just bringing a tub of cookie dough and stuck a few spoons in it. It was just as big of a hit, and I didn’t care as much when it didn’t get eaten.

Jewish potluck culture is pretty much the exact opposite of church potluck culture. First of all, every single person at a Synagogue or other Jewish function’s potluck is lactose intolerant, or can’t have gluten, or is allergic to something else, and everyone is incredibly picky and has certain things they absolutely will not eat. On top of this, you have varying levels of Kosher observances. Most Jews do not eat pork or shellfish, some will not mix meat and dairy, some will only eat food that is Kosher certified. Oy, there is so much to remember. Despite this, you can rest assured that your food will be eaten and you will not bring home anything more than a dirty dish. Unless of course what you made was terrible. In which case, I suggest you just stop at the store and pick something up before hand next time, instead of making it yourself. I have also been to many Jewish potlucks and I have never once brought home leftovers, which is amazing, because to a Jew, it is a great insult when people do not eat our food. There was once an almost of leftovers, however, when I brought a double batch of my mandel bread to a mezuzah hanging, but people found Ziploc bags and took the leftovers home with them! My synagogue has also started providing to-go boxes for everyone after the Yom Kippur break-fast. The only thing Jews love more than fresh food is leftovers. And, remember, the theme of every Jewish holiday is, “They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.” I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a Jewish function that didn’t revolve around food. Weddings, funerals. In fact, most Messianic synagogues even serve food after all of their services, including on Shabbat. And, from personal experience, I even gain weight during Yom Kippur, which involves a 25 hour fast, because it begins and ends with stuffing your face!

In summation:

•Church potlucks: They say they will eat anything, especially if it’s got mayonnaise in it, but they don’t actually eat anything after all

•Synagogue potlucks: Work around food allergies and dietary restrictions and all of your food will be eaten

 

 

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All Messianic Recording Artists Change Their Names to Shae

Beckah Shae

Philadelphia, PA and Nashville, TN — Interesting news this week out of the Messianic music scene, as every Messianic recording artist simultaneously changed their name to Shae. In an effort to come together as one, in our very divided community, the musicians opted to make a very bold statement to the world, by all taking on a shared name.

“Beckah Shae was the first, but then Sharon Wilbur started going by Shae Wilbur, which was ‘unrelated’ to Beckah’s name, of course,” explained Nate Benjamin, now Nate Shae, in a press release. “As Jews we’re supposed to be set apart, and as Messianic Jews, well you know…We’re REALLY set apart. But sometimes our music doesn’t set us apart from Christian artists, so if we all have a common name, then everyone will know exactly Who/what we represent.  Besides, when you’re as masculine as I am, sometimes you need a little help showing your feminine side. And what better way to do that than by using a girl’s name?”

Shae, which is Hebrew for “unique” or “one of a kind,” is gaining popularity on the Billboard Top 100 Baby Names Chart, thanks, mostly, to Messianic artists. Artists, such as Paul Shae, Joel Shae, Joshua Shae, Shae Pearce, Heartcry of Shae-vid, Blue Mo-shae-ic, Shae Sol, How to Shae, and Shae-mie Hilsden. At press time, Marty and Misha Goetz are both still on the fence over exactly where to fit “Shae” into their names, as ‘Shae Goetz’ is too close to the derogatory Yiddish term for a Gentile male.

 

 

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Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: The Three Little Kosher Pigs Celebrate Sukkot

03-three-little-pigs-house-of-straw-350x242

Once upon a time there were three Kosher pigs: Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah. You may ask yourself how pigs could be Kosher; well they are grafted into the olive tree, so just deal with it, okay? Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah were very excited to celebrate their first Sukkot. So excited, in fact, that they each chose to build their very own Sukkah!

The first pig, Tekiah, built his entire Sukkah out of straw, and not just the sechach (roof). Tekiah was kvelling over the first Sukkah he ever made, when a Cantor from a local Synagogue, Pinchas Wolf, came by to inspect the structure.

“You call this a Sukkah?” Wolf scoffed. This Sukkah wouldn’t last one day in the wind and rain. How do you expect it to withstand all seven days of Sukkot? This is why PIGS should not be allowed to build Sukkahs. You have no idea what you’re doing or why.”

“This is my first Sukkah,” Tekiah replied. But Adonai commands us to build a Sukkah every year.”

“No,” Wolf retorted. “Adonai commands JEWS to build Sukkahs. YOU are NOT Jewish. You are a PIG. Shouldn’t you be more concerned with Christmas trees and Easter baskets?”

“I may be a pig on the outside, but on the inside I have a Jewish heart,” Tekiah declared. “Yeshua made me Kosher.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. You’re a pig, and you believe in Yeshua and you expect me to consider you Jewish when you haven’t even converted? If you were REALLY a Jew, your Sukkah wouldn’t be the chaserai that it is. If you were REALLY a Jew, it would stand against the wind. I’m going to huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down and then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew poor Tekiah’s Sukkah down. And he laughed as Tekiah cried and ran to the comfort of his brother, Shevarim.

Now Shevarim had chosen to fashion his Sukkah out of sticks. After hearing of Tekiah’s experience with Wolf, Shevarim was certain he had made the right choice. Tekiah helped Shevarim decorate his Sukkah with gourds, fruit, and paper chains hanging from the sechach.

“This Sukkah is shayna,” Tekiah told his brother. “My Sukkah was ongepotchket and could not even withstand being breathed on, there is no way it could have lasted all seven days of Sukkot. Maybe Wolf was right. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a Jew.”

“Don’t be silly,” Shevarim reassured his brother. “You have a Jewish heart and so do I. Forget about Wolf’s opinion. We will celebrate Sukkot together as brothers.”

Just then, Pinchas Wolf came by to torment the brothers.

“Well well well, what do we have here? Yet another sorry excuse for a Sukkah!” Wolf taunted. “Your brother’s Sukkah wouldn’t stand and neither will yours. You’re just a PIG. You have no right to build a Sukkah, a tradition of MY people.”

“I have a Jewish heart,” Shevarim stated. “Yeshua made me Kosher and I have every right to build a Sukkah and take part in God’s appointed times.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. “If you were REALLY Jewish you could build a Sukkah that would last through the wind and rain of all seven days of Sukkot. I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down. Then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew poor Shevarim’s Sukkah down. And he laughed as Tekiah and Shevarim ran to the comfort of their brother, Teruah.

Now, unlike his brothers, Teruah had made a trip to a nearby Judaica shop and purchased a Sukkah kit, which required no skill or expertise to construct, and was suitable for all of God’s creations.

“This Sukkah is shayna,” Tekiah and Shevarim told their brother. “Our Sukkahs were ongepotchket and could not even withstand being breathed on, there is no way they could have withstood all seven days of Sukkot. Maybe Wolf was right. Maybe we are not cut out to be Jews.”

“Don’t be silly,” Teruah reassured his brothers. “You both have Jewish hearts and so do I. Forget about Wolf’s opinion. We will all celebrate Sukkot together as brothers.”

Just then Pinchas Wolf came by to torment the brothers.

“Well well well, what do we have here? An even SORRIER excuse than the other two Sukkahs!” Wolf taunted. Haven’t you PIGS learned your lesson by now? The first two Sukkahs wouldn’t stand and neither will this one. You have no right to build a Sukkah, so how could it last? Go get your own traditions and leave Sukkah building to the Jews.”

“I have a Jewish heart,” Teruah stated. “Yeshua made me Kosher and I have every right to build a Sukkah and take part in God’s appointed times.”

“Jewish heart shmewish heart,” Wolf replied. “If you were REALLY Jewish you could build a Sukkah that would last through the wind and rain of all seven days of Sukkot. I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your Sukkah down. Then we’ll see who is really a Jew.”

And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and the Sukkah did not budge. A little famisht, he dusted himself off, and tried again. And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and the Sukkah did not budge.

“Oy!” said Wolf. “My lungs are a little tired from already blowing down two Sukkahs today.” So he caught his breath, dusted himself off, and tried again. And Pinchas Wolf huffed and he puffed…and still the Sukkah did not budge.

“Your Sukkah is still standing. What is different about this Sukkah than the other two?”

“Well,” said Teruah. “I was nervous about my first Sukkah. I let people like you convince me that a pig could not build a proper Sukkah. So I prayed for Yeshua to guide me in the right direction and He led me to my local Judaica shop. They had these Sukkah kits that required no skill or expertise to construct and are suitable for all of God’s creations. I knew if I used the Sukkah kit Yeshua led me to, it would stay standing during all seven days of Sukkot, even enduring wind and rain.”

“Yeshua helped you build a proper Sukkah?” Wolf asked.

“Of course,” Teruah replied. “Yeshua is Jewish afterall!”

“He is?” Wolf asked, surprised. “I always thought He was Catholic.”

“Yeshua is Jewish!” Exclaimed all three brothers, excitedly. “He came first for the Jew and then to the nations!”

Then Tekiah, Shevarim, and Teruah invited Pinchas Wolf to have dinner with them in their Sukkah and have a conversation about Yeshua and how He came to save the Jews, even when they aren’t very nice to their neighbors whose hearts are in the right place, though they may not be the best at Sukkah construction and maybe they weren’t born Jewish, but they still have Jewish hearts and that’s what matters.

And they all lived happily ever after, because Yeshua saved them and gave them new hearts, even if they did not deserve them, for it is by grace they have been saved.

The end.

 

 

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