Annapolis, MD — 45 year old Sheila Walls of Annapolis had a falling out with her church this week, after walking into her 10:00am Sunday service and seeing the chairs in the sanctuary had been completely rearranged from what she was used to. Walls, who likes to sit in the same seat every week, had a complete Type A meltdown after seeing the changes, which resulted in her walking out the door and opting never to return.
“I’ve been a member of this church for THREE YEARS!” Walls said in her resignation letter to her Pastor. I am a MEMBER here. I TITHE here. These changes need to be run by us at the semi-annual business meeting and let us vote on it before they can just happen. If you’re going to just be reckless and make decisions ‘as The Spirit leads,’ then I cannot be part of this…haphazard chaos! I understand it was for everyone’s safety to divide the sanctuary into a moshing section and a non moshing section during worship, but next time you need to take your members’ opinions into consideration. This church is a democracy, not an oligarchy!”
Walls’ now former Pastor encouraged her to not act in her flesh, but she has already found a new church that uses pews that cannot be moved so easily.
Ever since the violent insurrection at the United States Capitol on January 6th of this year, the MJAA has struggled to formulate a proper response. One source of complication has been the fact that one of the organization’s executive board members, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff, was allegedly among the rioters who entered the Capitol as part of an attempt to overturn the free and fair election of President Joe Biden. Now, even as news spreads throughout the world of Rabbi Stepakoff’s arrest over his alleged actions on that day, an exclusive source on the board has informed The Meow that the MJAA will finally address the issue in the coming days by way of a major change to their ethics policy.
“The MJAA has the utmost respect for the laws of the United States of America, and we take any violation of those laws seriously,” reads an official statement leaked to The Meow, a copy of which will be posted on the MJAA’s website once the new rule has gone into effect. “As such, effective immediately, any board member who engages in more than one attempt to subvert the democracy of this great nation and/or disrupt its duly elected representatives shall be subject to censure and possible removal from the board. Everyone gets one freebie, but that’s it. However, if they use that one up, they have the option to exercise a second one. If they happen to use both within a period of eight years, they can apply for a third, by actually performing the act again. After all, we are living under grace, are we not? Of course, if they do it a fourth or fifth time, well we’ll enact the same process for those incidents as well. Now if they do it a sixth time…well it’s the same story. Basically, we have to instate this policy for one, but really, who are we to enforce that?”
“I think it’s a real game changer,” said our source. “I can’t speak for the rest of the board, but personally, I’m immensely proud of what we’ve accomplished today. From now on, even our most politically outspoken board members will think twice before participating in a second, third, or even fourth effort to forcibly undermine everything this nation was founded on. Instead, they’ll have to content themselves with posting misinformation and conspiracy theories online.”
When pressed on how effective this new reform would be, the source was emphatic. “I can’t possibly think of a stronger deterrent. Sure, it technically provides no consequences for anything he’s already done, and it gives everyone else multiple freebies, but I think it’s only fair that we all have the chance to be on equal footing. Besides, when a policy is so clearly directed at one particular member, it sends a pretty clear message, and I have to imagine he’s heard that message and learned his lesson. And just to be sure that he doesn’t forget that lesson, we’ve even taken to calling it ‘the Stepakoff Statute.’ Not to his face, of course – that would just be cruel – but I think he gets the point.”
At press time, our source had assured The Meow that the board has no plans to enact a similar limitation regarding false prophecy.
It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
•And more!
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
Murca — With a global pandemic at hand and the world rapidly changing, Messianic Congregations across the United States are being forced to re-format their weekly activities. Just as many corporations have moved their work online, Messianic Congregations are following suit. Synagogues are rushing to begin live-streaming their services, so as not to lose the attention of their attendees, while they are forced to close their physical locations for the unforeseeable future. Live-streaming services will allow Rabbis to continue giving their sermons, as well as collect online tithes. However, not meeting in person does present some challenges, including having to loosen their reigns on ensuring congregants stick by their side during this time of uncertainty.
“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself on Shabbat right now,” said Missy W., a member of a nameless Messianic Congregation, located somewhere in the United States. “I can live-stream my Rabbi’s sermon while I’m still in bed. I don’t even have to get up. So that’s like 45 minutes of my life. I don’t even have to get dressed to attend services right now. On a normal week, as a member, I’m required to be at my Synagogue for 10 hours every Saturday. I have to be at my Rabbi’s every beck and call. Sometimes I lead worship, sometimes I am in the nursery, sometimes I am running the soundboard, sometimes I am just a gopher for leadership. If I even try to miss a week of services, they pretty much put out an Amber Alert for me. One week I had a 103º fever and I had five people tell me if I didn’t show up in the next 20 minutes they would have a Sheriff’s Deputy come to my house and escort me there. My Rabbi is a really gifted speaker, but I can do without the rest of his controlling behavior. Our congregation has been closed for two weeks already, and I feel so free right now. I feel like I can breathe. For the first time, in eight years, I can finally just rest and not have to worry about what will happen to me if I just take the day to myself. This new arrangement, where our congregation is 100% virtual, allows me to filter out the bad and only deal with the good. And I am kind of enjoying not dealing with the bad. I’m seriously considering not even returning to my congregation when they re-open in a couple of months. And I actually feel okay with that. Is it okay to do this for myself? I don’t even know if that’s okay. It’s okay, right? Please tell me it’s okay.”
More than 70 Messianic Congregations across the United States and Canada have moved their Shabbat services online, during this time of social distancing. If you would like to attend a virtual Shabbat service, please visit this page for a list of options: https://messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/
Amarillo, TX — Alarming news from Messianic Congregation Tikvat Shalom in Amarillo, TX, after a worship leader was rewarded with a high five for sweeping a rape under the rug. Jenny Morgandorfer, who plays guitar and sings with the worship band every Shabbat, was out to lunch with another congregant, who informed Jenny that she had been raped by a member of the prayer team, after giving him a ride home last week, and was too afraid to go to the police. Jenny advised her she did the right thing by not going to the police, as it’s best to keep things quiet in this situation. The man was already on the national sex offender registry, and reporting this to the police would send him to jail. Not wanting to lose him from the prayer team or let anyone find out that he is already a sex offender, Miss Morgandorfer went directly to Rabbi Milt Schwartzberg to apprise him of the situation, at which point Schwartzberg high fived Morgandorfer for the decision she made at how to handle the quandary.
“She dun good,” Rabbi Milt said to himself, in his own head. “She dun real good. Look, when it all comes down to it, this is the Bible Belt. And not only is it the Bible Belt, we’re a Messianic congregation. It doesn’t matter what’s actually happening within these walls, it only matters what appears to be happening to the rest of the Messianic movement. If the wider community doesn’t see us as spotless, then we’re doing something very very wrong. Nevermind if we’re actually doing something wrong; I just want to be able to make it look like everything is okay when I see my peers at the conferences we attend together. And anyway, Yeshua said, ‘Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.’ And they’re all sinners too, so who are they to judge us? Who is anyone to judge us? We’re fine. It’s fine. This is all fine.”
At press time, Tikvat Shalom continues to operate under the pretense that everything is okay, and all attendees of their congregation have done no wrong and have experienced or caused no trauma.
*******If you know of any affiliated Messianic Congregations where some or all of the leadership is covering up rape or any other kind of sexual, physical, spiritual, verbal, or other type of abuse directed at you or anyone else, and you are not comfortable reporting it yourself, let us know and we’ll report it to the affiliated organization for you.*******
Champaign, IL — Being in a small college town, far away from any major city, Congregation Shmatte Yarmulke has had its ups and downs over the years, but none more so than their long-in-the-tooth Rabbi suffering from a smattering of heart attacks and multiple bypass surgeries. While those who attend the Synagogue are concerned that their leader has reached the end of his career, he has no such plans to make any changes.
“I may be 84 years old, but I’m a young 84 years old,” Rabbi Paul Millburn said to his congregants, in a members meeting this week. “So I’ve had a few setbacks recently, but here I sit before you, fully capable of running this congregation. Look, are most 84 year olds retired? Yes. But here’s the thing…who would be able to take over this congregation if I did retire? A lot of Messianic congregations across the entire country are having this problem. Nobody in the next generation is stepping up. Nobody is ready. And even if they were, this congregation of 30 people couldn’t pay my retirement! I’d be out on my tush. Call me stubborn, call me an alter cocker, call me what you will, but you know I’m right. I’ve survived five heart attacks, three bypass surgeries, and my pacemaker failing; I can survive you trying to overthrow me too! You’ll have to pry this congregation out of my cold, dead hands before I just give in and move to Boca.”
Though Congregation Shmatte Yarmulke is at a crossroads, as their Rabbi is rapidly aging, yet not quite ready to step down, at least they aren’t the only Messianic Congregation in this same situation. At press time, the congregation’s Assistant Rabbi could not be reached for comment.
Grantham, PA — Groundbreaking news from the MJAA this week, as Messiah Conference is planning to produce its first ever full length musical at the 2020 Conference, with auditions taking place next month. The show will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar,” with the title and lyrics being changed to fall in line with Messianic Culture. Host of popular Messianic radio show, “Bagels and Blessings,” Ethel Chadwick, will direct the historic event.
“I am so excited to make history with Messiah Conference’s first ever Broadway musical performance next year!!!” Chadwick announced on Facebook. “I do have to let everyone know that a few of the roles have already been filled: Rebecca Rudolf will be playing the part of Miriam Magdalene. Joel Chernoff insisted that he play Yeshua, or else we will have to cancel the entire thing, saying the fact that his initials are ‘JC’ is a sign! As well, Pontius Pilate will be played by Marc Vidito. All other roles are wide open and I encourage anyone with a love of theatre to audition! It’s going to be great!”
Auditions will be held at Messiah Conference on Wednesday, July 3rd at 9am in the High Center – Parmer Hall, with rehearsals taking place over video chat, throughout the year. Please prepare 16 bars of your favorite Lamb song, and come dressed to learn a light dance combo.
If this production goes well, plans are in place to host future productions of Godspell and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joel Chernoff has also been cast in the respective leads of those productions.
Grantham, PA— Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.
“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”
While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.
Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.
“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”
Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
The High Holidays are just around the corner now! Remember, no Messianic congregation will ever charge you for admission or tickets to attend a High holiday service. If you need or want help finding a local Messianic congregation, please visit www.messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/ or contact us directly; we are happy to help!
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