Messiah Conference 2019 Livestream to Move to Five Second Delay After Guest Speaker Drops Four Letter Word on Stage

SusanPerlmansUnderwear

Grantham, PA  — Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.

“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”

While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.

 

 

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YMJA President Threatens Messianic Meow with IAMCS Investigation for Mocking Him

Ravi

Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.

“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”

Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

 

 

 

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Messiah Conference Livestream Schedule

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Can’t make it to the world’s largest Messianic conference this week? No worries, all EIGHT of the main sessions (seven evening sessions, plus the Shacharit Shabbat service) will be livestreamed for FREE on www.mjaa.org and then archived on the web site for three months afterwards.

Here’s the schedule:
•Sunday, July 1st at 7:00pm ET
Music: Paul Wilbur and Beckah Shae
Speakers: Jeff Adler, Janet Forman, Larry Feldman

•Monday, July 2nd at 7:00pm ET
Music: The Isaacs
Speakers: Steven Shreyberg, Joey Stepakoff, Lou Engle

•Tuesday, July 3rd at 7:00pm ET
ISRAEL NIGHT
Music: MIQEDEM, Sarah Liberman, Shani Ferguson, Elihana Elia
Speaker: Eli Nacht

•Wednesday, July 4th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Marty Goetz and Misha Goetz Music
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Frank Lowinger, Susan Perlman, David Chernoff

•Thursday, July 5th at 7:00pm ET
YMJA NIGHT
Music: Zik Worship
Speakers: Michael Vowell, Devorah Mizrachi Boaz, Jason Sobel

•Friday, July 6th at 7:00pm ET
Music: MIQEDEM, The Klezmeranians, Baht Rivka Whitten
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Ezra Watnik, Michael Wolf, Jeffrey Forman

Saturday, July 7th at 10:00am ET
TORAH SERVICE
Liturgy by Marty Goetz
Speakers: David Hess, David Levine, Michael Stepakoff

Saturday, July 7th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Shae Wilbur, Elihana Elia, Nate Benjamin, Lamb Joel Chernoff Messianic Jewish Music
Speakers: Joel Liberman, Jonathan Cahn

 

Conference presented by Messianic Jewish Alliance of America (MJAA)

Nate Benjamin Announces Sequel Album To Fix My Eyes Entitled ‘Fix My Nose’

FixNatesNose

Philadelphia, PA – In a packed press conference early this morning, Nate Benjamin officially announced his highly anticipated second full-length album. In a surprising move, the new record will be a full-blown concept album entitled Fix My Nose, with the entire disc effectively serving as a sequel to “Fix My Eyes,” the classic title track of his debut.

“Contemplating the implications of fixing my eyes on Yeshua was such a rewarding experience when I was writing the first album,” explained Mr. Benjamin. “When it came time to start work on the follow-up, I realized that there was so much more to be said. It has such a tremendous impact on our lives when we strive to focus ourselves entirely on God, and the more I prayed about it, the more I began to realize that every part of that process can have its own implications. The scope of it is so vast that it would take dozens of albums to truly do it justice, but for the time being I’ve decided to focus on the face. Nose, ears, mouth, hair… each is more than enough to fill an album on its own, and that’s just what I plan to do. Hair may even get a double album.

“Don’t get me wrong, though, I plan on getting through the whole body, if that’s the calling The Lord has for my life. God willing, someday, I’ll be spending several days in fervent prayer, as God reveals to me all the blessings He has in store for those who fix their spleens on Him.”

Fan opinion seems to be mostly positive, though some have voiced concerns. “I’m just not sure there’s enough material there to support a whole album,” said skeptic, Rebekah Wedemeyer. “I mean, an EP, absolutely, but I’m worried that pushing for a full-length might be stretching it just a bit. I hope I’m wrong, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out.”

Thankfully, it seems that the wait won’t be too long. The first single, “Smell,” is scheduled to be released in late May, with the full album making its official debut at Messiah Conference 2018. While an official track listing has not yet been released, Nate has indicated that the new album will feature 10 songs, each named for a different aspect of fixing one’s nose on God. As for whether the album lives up to the high standard set by its predecessor, we’ll all have to wait and smell.

 

 

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Chocolate Omer Calendars Now Available in the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop

Jewishchocolate

Dallas, TX — Just in time for the very end of the counting of the Omer, Baruch HaShem Messianic Synagogue is introducing the Jewish counterpart for Advent calendars, made out of chocolate. Yes, chocolate, like the kind you can consume. The calendars will keep track of the Omer, a Jewish tradition that counts 50 days from Passover to Shavuot, as instructed by God in Leviticus 23:15-17. Shavuot is the day The Torah was given to the Jews. It was also the day The Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) descended, and is widely known as “Pentecost” in Christian circles. The new calendars will provide a delicious way to follow God’s instruction, without feeling like you are over-indulging, as they instruct you to eat just one piece of chocolate per day.

“The Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers have been such a hit, I knew we needed to come up with something even better,” said Baruch HaShem Senior Rabbi Ari Waldman, the South Central Messianic Chief Innovator of Relevance. “So we’re a little late getting these out this year, with less than two weeks to go until Shavuot, but be honest with yourselves: you were just going to forget to keep track of the calendar and slam all that chocolate in your mouth at once anyway, so I’m pretty sure we did you all a favor. Besides, this is Messianic Judaism we’re talking about here, is anything ever on time? BOOM!”

The new chocolate Omer calendars each contain 50 pieces of Kosher for Passover chocolate. They, as well as the pumpkin spice communion wafers can be purchased through the Baruch HaShem Judaica Shop, both in person and online, for those who cannot get to Dallas, or refuse to show their face at the congregation, due to some weird political biases. Happy Omering! Beteavon!

 

 

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NEW for 2018: The Messianic Zodiac!

Ram

We all know horoscopes and the zodiac come from Satan himself, but if we make our own then it’s okay! So without further ado here is the all new Messianic Zodiac. Simply look up the year you were born and find out all about your life!

•The year of the Shofar:

1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020, 2032

You are stubborn and love free food. People tend to abuse you, especially when they are trying to impress a crowd. Don’t hide your talents from the world, but don’t let people use them incorrectly either.

•The year of the Hummus:

1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021, 2033

You are stubborn and love free food. Keep that garlic breath to yourself, especially when on a date with someone you met online.

•The year of the Bagel:

1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022, 2034

You are stubborn and love free food. You are crusty on the outside and empty on the inside. Try filling that void with Yeshua.

•The year of the Matzah Ball Soup:

1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023, 2035

You are stubborn and love free food. You are warm and comfort those around you when they are sick. Sometimes you will float and sometimes you will sink, but either way, you will always prevent people from pooping when they consume high doses of you.

•The year of the Kugel:

1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024, 2036

You are stubborn and love free food. You stand on your own without adding any unnecessary accoutrements, like raisins. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

•The year of the Vegetable Spring Rolls:

1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025, 2037

You are stubborn and love free food. Word on the street is you are so much better than your pork-filled counterparts. You’re most popular on Christmas.

•The year of the Joel Chernoff:

1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026, 2038

You are stubborn and love free food. You are full of lais, but where would we be without you? Probably in the UMJC.

•The year of the Challah:

1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027, 2039

You are stubborn and love free food. Gluten is so last year and so are those shoes you still wear to Shul every week. Try getting a personal shopper or a stylist.

•The year of the felt banner that covers up the cross in the sanctuary of the church you rent from:

1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028, 2040

You are stubborn and love free food. You’re not fooling anyone by covering up your secrets. We know. We all know.

•The year of the Belt Loop Tzit-Tzit:

1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029, 2041

You are stubborn and love free food. Some people have you wrapped around their finger, while others keep you in their pocket. Don’t worry if people tell you you are not as important as head-coverings. They don’t care much for fringe benefits.

•The year of the Manischewitz Wine:

1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030, 2042

You are stubborn and love free food. You are way too sweet for most people, but nonetheless you are a timeless classic. We can always count on you to stick around through the ages.

•The year of the Conference:

1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031, 2043

You are stubborn and love free food. There’s sure a lot of you to go around, but without you, life as we know it would crumble.

 

 

 

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All Messianic Recording Artists Change Their Names to Shae

Beckah Shae

Philadelphia, PA and Nashville, TN — Interesting news this week out of the Messianic music scene, as every Messianic recording artist simultaneously changed their name to Shae. In an effort to come together as one, in our very divided community, the musicians opted to make a very bold statement to the world, by all taking on a shared name.

“Beckah Shae was the first, but then Sharon Wilbur started going by Shae Wilbur, which was ‘unrelated’ to Beckah’s name, of course,” explained Nate Benjamin, now Nate Shae, in a press release. “As Jews we’re supposed to be set apart, and as Messianic Jews, well you know…We’re REALLY set apart. But sometimes our music doesn’t set us apart from Christian artists, so if we all have a common name, then everyone will know exactly Who/what we represent.  Besides, when you’re as masculine as I am, sometimes you need a little help showing your feminine side. And what better way to do that than by using a girl’s name?”

Shae, which is Hebrew for “unique” or “one of a kind,” is gaining popularity on the Billboard Top 100 Baby Names Chart, thanks, mostly, to Messianic artists. Artists, such as Paul Shae, Joel Shae, Joshua Shae, Shae Pearce, Heartcry of Shae-vid, Blue Mo-shae-ic, Shae Sol, How to Shae, and Shae-mie Hilsden. At press time, Marty and Misha Goetz are both still on the fence over exactly where to fit “Shae” into their names, as ‘Shae Goetz’ is too close to the derogatory Yiddish term for a Gentile male.

 

 

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