Man Repents in Front of Congregation After Murdering Plate of Pasta

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Lake of the Ozarks, MO – Shocking news out of Holy Redeemer Church of the Uncrossed Arms in Osage Beach this week, after an altar call prompted a man to publicly confess to murdering his dinner the previous night. When asked if there was anyone present who felt they needed to repent for sinning, congregant, Derek Larter, broke down in tears and and asked to share a confession with his church family.

“It is with a heavy heart, I must admit to everyone that I committed murder last night,” Larter shared with his congregation, via the church’s livestream. “My wife made the most amazing looking spaghetti that I have ever laid eyes on in my life…and I absolutely KILLED that plate of food. And then I did it again. And then once more. I don’t know what came over me. I was completely out of control. Things got out of hand. I allowed sin to take me over, and I am truly sorry…to my wife, to our kids, and to anyone else I may have hurt. I am ashamed of my actions, and I ask forgiveness for my atrocious behavior. I’m grateful Jesus died on the cross for a sinner like me, and I promise I will do everything in my power to seek help and make sure this never happens again. Also, if you ever get a chance to try my wife’s cooking, you should absolutely do it!”

The Elders of Larter’s church have suspended him from the audio visual team for one year, and are requiring him to seek counseling with the Senior Pastor. We will post more on this story as it develops.

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Jewish Person Shocked by Gentile Friend’s Lack of Kleenex Box in Every Room of the House

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Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.

“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”

Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.

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Church Men’s Group Excited for Monthly Outing at Satan’s Canyon

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Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.

“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”

If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224

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Woman Arrested for Peddling Black Market StrengthsFinder Codes Pleads for Clemency

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Trenton, NJ — A local woman was arrested, and sentenced to five years in prison last Fall, after being found to be creating and distributing black market access codes for the personality test, StrengthsFinder. Gallup, the company that publishes the assessment, pressed charges against 32 year old Shannon Lannon, upon discovering the fraudulent codes, and where they originated from. Unlike other popular personality tests, StrengthsFinder does require you to purchase a book with an access code in it, in order to take the test. According to the Gallup website, the book retails for $39.99, with a current sale price of $19.99.

“Look, I know what it’s like to struggle with money,” Lannon explained, in an exclusive phone interview. “$40, even $20…that’s gas money for some people. And then you only get your top 5 strengths from that. You have to pay even more if you want your full list of all 34 strengths! Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Love Language, DISC…none of them charge you money to get your results. And with StrengthsFinder, some companies hire based off of your results, and there are books out about how to use your Strengths in your marriage. I just think everyone should be able to access it. So I may have hacked into their system and generated my own codes that would be compatible with their website, and then I sold them for $5 a pop, because Mama has to eat too, ya know? I’m basically a modern day Robin Hood. Rob from the rich and give to the poor…if Robin Hood made a small profit off of what he was doing. But, listen, I shouldn’t be locked up for trying to help people. My only mistake was selling the codes on Fiverr, because that’s how they found me. But five years in the slammer is a little extreme, and I’m currently working with both my lawyer and my Strengths Coach on how to best use my strengths to negotiate my way outta here.”

Lannon hopes to be released from prison within the next few months, and says her top 5 strengths are Includer, Maximizer, Strategic, Empathy, and Achiever.

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Strong’s Concordance Announces Addition of Words ‘Bootylicious’ and ‘D’oh’ in Preparation of Upcoming Millennial Bible Translation

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Lake Forest, CA — The Blue Letter Bible Project announced this week it will be adding over 100 new millennial slang words to Strong’s Concordance, in preparation of the upcoming Millennial Bible Translation (MBT), that is expected to be published and distributed sometime next year.

A partial list of the added vernacular was leaked on Reddit early this morning, and includes the following:

•Amazeballs

•Bootylicious

•Bromance

•Cray

•D’oh

•Instagram Husband

•Janky

•Legit

•Phat

•Totally Tubular

•Yeet

The millennial word reference numbers will start with the letter “M,” in order to differentiate them from the original Greek or Hebrew. Though these words did not initially appear in the King James Version (KJV), they are a welcome update to a reference that otherwise leaves out any English version Bible translation that was published after 1611.

An advance copy of the MBT Book of Jonah has already been released, and is available to read here.

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Woman with Control Issues Leaves Congregation After Sanctuary Gets Rearranged

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Annapolis, MD — 45 year old Sheila Walls of Annapolis had a falling out with her church this week, after walking into her 10:00am Sunday service and seeing the chairs in the sanctuary had been completely rearranged from what she was used to. Walls, who likes to sit in the same seat every week, had a complete Type A meltdown after seeing the changes, which resulted in her walking out the door and opting never to return.

“I’ve been a member of this church for THREE YEARS!” Walls said in her resignation letter to her Pastor. I am a MEMBER here. I TITHE here. These changes need to be run by us at the semi-annual business meeting and let us vote on it before they can just happen. If you’re going to just be reckless and make decisions ‘as The Spirit leads,’ then I cannot be part of this…haphazard chaos! I understand it was for everyone’s safety to divide the sanctuary into a moshing section and a non moshing section during worship, but next time you need to take your members’ opinions into consideration. This church is a democracy, not an oligarchy!”

Walls’ now former Pastor encouraged her to not act in her flesh, but she has already found a new church that uses pews that cannot be moved so easily.

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Jami’s Personal Blog About Religion

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Yesterday, God laid it on my heart to start a blog publicly sharing my journey with religion. I’ve published my first two posts.

If you want to know where I’ve been and where I am currently, if you want to know why I’m in a church instead of a synagogue, if you want to know the real reason I left Messianic Judaism after so long, then the answer is on this blog.

After I made the first post yesterday, I shared the link with two people, and immediately started throwing up, even though I was not feeling sick. Satan does not want what I have to say to get out, so it’s important for people to read this.

Acts2jew.Wordpress.com

Bible College Student in Hot Water After Using The Chosen to Write Report on the Gospel of Matthew

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St. Paul, MN — A student at Bethel University in Minnesota is in trouble this week, after turning in a report on The Gospel of Matthew that was written based on a dramatized TV show, instead of The Bible. Student, Kade Poncerotti, turned in his paper, thinking he was slick, and was caught red handed.

“I’m absolutely appalled,” Professor Lila Quarter wrote in a letter to the student’s parents. “I saw this all the time when I taught at a secular university, but I never, in a million years, expected to see this happen at a Bible college. Then again, there weren’t any TV shows about Jesus up until now, and the movies about Him…well, I won’t comment on them. Anyway, I knew Kade had written his paper about The Chosen when he went on a tangent about how Simon Peter’s wife, Eden, should leave him for another man, because she’s too good for him. If Kade would like to continue his Biblical studies, he is going to have to figure out how to actually read The Bible instead of assuming a TV show is the same thing. It’s not. I don’t give my students stickers for their sticker chart unless they actually complete their assignment, and, right now, Kade’s sticker chart is empty.”

At press time, Kade Poncerotti has stopped showing up to class or communicating with Professor Quarter. Please note that The Chosen is not a replacement for reading The Gospels in The Bible. Unless, of course, you use The MSG translation, in which case, you may as well just take The Chosen as Bible.

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Church Homeschool Co-op Becomes Super Fun and Educational Sweatshop One Afternoon Per Week

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Kearney, NE — The homeschool co-op at the First Redeemer Five Square Church in Kearney, NE has come up with a more cost effective way to get urgent projects completed, by making use of skills taught to its young students. While the lack of pay technically makes this a sweatshop, the church seems to be okay with that.

“Our co-op meets one day a week,” Homeschool Mom and Pastor’s Wife, Christie-Rae Carlson, stated on an online Homeschool support forum. “We spend the morning teaching trade skills to the kids, and in the afternoon they complete projects around the church. One week they learned carpentry, and then they made some new pews for our sanctuary expansion. We taught them to sew, and now our pastors don’t have to take their clothes to the tailor anymore! They’ve learned gardening, how to clean the entire building, barista skills for our coffee shop, we’ve got a farm on the property, and they learned how to butcher a cow so they can run our upcoming church butcher shop. We learned about plumbing the week the toilets all got clogged. And next week we are going to figure out which kids enjoy thrill seeking, and have them fix the leak in our roof. We’re saving so much money on labor, because we pay the kids in education…and fun! At least that’s what we’re telling them 😉. It’s also great experience for the kids. By the time they graduate middle school, they’ll be ready to start their own contracting business!”

Child labor laws don’t apply at this homeschool. If you’d like to hire any of the children to complete work around your home, you can contact the church at (308) 55-JESUS

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Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

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Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

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