Kearney, NE — The homeschool co-op at the First Redeemer Five Square Church in Kearney, NE has come up with a more cost effective way to get urgent projects completed, by making use of skills taught to its young students. While the lack of pay technically makes this a sweatshop, the church seems to be okay with that.
“Our co-op meets one day a week,” Homeschool Mom and Pastor’s Wife, Christie-Rae Carlson, stated on an online Homeschool support forum. “We spend the morning teaching trade skills to the kids, and in the afternoon they complete projects around the church. One week they learned carpentry, and then they made some new pews for our sanctuary expansion. We taught them to sew, and now our pastors don’t have to take their clothes to the tailor anymore! They’ve learned gardening, how to clean the entire building, barista skills for our coffee shop, we’ve got a farm on the property, and they learned how to butcher a cow so they can run our upcoming church butcher shop. We learned about plumbing the week the toilets all got clogged. And next week we are going to figure out which kids enjoy thrill seeking, and have them fix the leak in our roof. We’re saving so much money on labor, because we pay the kids in education…and fun! At least that’s what we’re telling them 😉. It’s also great experience for the kids. By the time they graduate middle school, they’ll be ready to start their own contracting business!”
Child labor laws don’t apply at this homeschool. If you’d like to hire any of the children to complete work around your home, you can contact the church at (308) 55-JESUS
Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.
“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”
Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.
Salem, OR — 15 year old high school student, Jax Swantzenborg, was greeted with a surprise after going with his crush to her youth group at a local church on Sunday night. The evening began with a number of group members engaging in a game called “Mafia,” in which participants feign killing each other off, until only one team remains. What started as an innocent role playing game, ended in a teenager receiving eternal salvation.
“I had no idea Jesus was so cool!” Swantzenborg posted in a TikTok video. “Christians at school have always told me I’m a sinner and need to repent so that I don’t burst into flames, but now I see that Jesus is actually totally cool with me deceiving people and then killing them. I especially enjoyed killing off Madison’s boyfriend, and I can’t wait to put this into practice in my real life! Thank You, Jesus, for showing me the way!”
While Swantzenborg had the right idea by accepting Jesus into his heart, he thankfully has people in his life that are able to guide him in the right direction, and explain that just because it’s okay to play a game at church involving murder and lies, doesn’t mean it’s okay to participate in that out in the world. We are called to be a light to the world, and the practices in this common youth group game don’t translate that very well.
Wichita Falls, TX — A local four year old rescued Golden Retriever has unexpectedly become a powerful ruler over his suburban household this week, after being anointed with myrrh oil, imported from Jerusalem. Now known to his family and neighbors as “King Rex,” the blonde canine is enjoying his new life ruling over his human parents and siblings, after previously just being treated as a very good boy.
“Rexy Boy…erm, sorry, I mean…King Rex, was havin’ almost daily anxiety attacks, and I tried evrythang to calm him down, and ain’t nothin’ worked,” Rex’s previous owner/current servant, who asked to just be referred to as Bertha, told us in an interview. “I needed The Holy Spirit’s help with this problem, and I reckon it worked a little too well, and his position in our home became significantly elevated. Now instead of listenin’ to my commands, Rex is the one in charge. We have to drop evrythang for him. If he wants a treat, we have to get him a treat. If he wants to drank from the toilet, we have to let him drank from the toilet. And, he said he’s no longer allowed to have baths. Jesus help us; trackin’ mud and dead bunny guts all over my canary yellow shag carpet! If I wanted to be a slave to my pet, I would’ve just gotten a cat.”
At press time, King Rex plans to continue ruling over his three bed two bath house with attached garage for the next 6-8 years. He is currently enjoying being the head of the family. When asked what his favorite part of his new role is, Rex simply replied, “WOOF!”
Ever since the violent insurrection at the United States Capitol on January 6th of this year, the MJAA has struggled to formulate a proper response. One source of complication has been the fact that one of the organization’s executive board members, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff, was allegedly among the rioters who entered the Capitol as part of an attempt to overturn the free and fair election of President Joe Biden. Now, even as news spreads throughout the world of Rabbi Stepakoff’s arrest over his alleged actions on that day, an exclusive source on the board has informed The Meow that the MJAA will finally address the issue in the coming days by way of a major change to their ethics policy.
“The MJAA has the utmost respect for the laws of the United States of America, and we take any violation of those laws seriously,” reads an official statement leaked to The Meow, a copy of which will be posted on the MJAA’s website once the new rule has gone into effect. “As such, effective immediately, any board member who engages in more than one attempt to subvert the democracy of this great nation and/or disrupt its duly elected representatives shall be subject to censure and possible removal from the board. Everyone gets one freebie, but that’s it. However, if they use that one up, they have the option to exercise a second one. If they happen to use both within a period of eight years, they can apply for a third, by actually performing the act again. After all, we are living under grace, are we not? Of course, if they do it a fourth or fifth time, well we’ll enact the same process for those incidents as well. Now if they do it a sixth time…well it’s the same story. Basically, we have to instate this policy for one, but really, who are we to enforce that?”
“I think it’s a real game changer,” said our source. “I can’t speak for the rest of the board, but personally, I’m immensely proud of what we’ve accomplished today. From now on, even our most politically outspoken board members will think twice before participating in a second, third, or even fourth effort to forcibly undermine everything this nation was founded on. Instead, they’ll have to content themselves with posting misinformation and conspiracy theories online.”
When pressed on how effective this new reform would be, the source was emphatic. “I can’t possibly think of a stronger deterrent. Sure, it technically provides no consequences for anything he’s already done, and it gives everyone else multiple freebies, but I think it’s only fair that we all have the chance to be on equal footing. Besides, when a policy is so clearly directed at one particular member, it sends a pretty clear message, and I have to imagine he’s heard that message and learned his lesson. And just to be sure that he doesn’t forget that lesson, we’ve even taken to calling it ‘the Stepakoff Statute.’ Not to his face, of course – that would just be cruel – but I think he gets the point.”
At press time, our source had assured The Meow that the board has no plans to enact a similar limitation regarding false prophecy.
It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.
“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”
While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!
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So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.
But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.
“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.
God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.
Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.
The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”
Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was.
Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.
“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”
Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,
“My name is Jonah
And I am a Jew
I worship Adonai
And you should too!”
The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.
They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.
But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.
So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.
They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.
Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.
So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.
And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,
“Love me, love me, say that You love me,
I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.
Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,
I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,
Tonight and the rest of my life.
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
They’re never gonna keep me down.
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding.
Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,
And after all, You’re my wonderwall.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.
I wanna stand with You on a mountain,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.
So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”
And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.
Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”
And the people of Nineveh got woke.
Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.
When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.
And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.
So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.
“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”
And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.
And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.
Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.
But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.
Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.
And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.
And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.
And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”
***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.