Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Admits to Being Jewish

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North Pole — Unexpected news out of Santa’s Village this week, as his odd-man-out reindeer, Rudolph, announced he is actually Jewish. Despite working for the King of the Gentiles, our beloved red-nosed friend revealed he is actually a member of the tribe. While this comes as a surprise for most, we really should have known all along.

“I didn’t think it was a secret,” Rudolph said in a recent press conference.” The other reindeer were always making fun of my nose, and my last name’s Rudolph, for gosh sakes. Wait, wait…you didn’t actually think the reindeer went by our FIRST names, did you? You actually thought someone would name their child Blizten or Dasher??? We weren’t born in 2018 where the millennials name their kids Abcde. No, my name is Jacob Rudolph. Yeah…see, now it’s not really a shock anymore, is it?”

Some may wonder why Jews would move to the North Pole when they would be in the minority there. Rudolph said his Father was hired by Santa to be his personal combined Lawyer, Accountant, and Doctor when Rudolph was a child; an offer his Father could not refuse. The salary was guaranteed to put food on the table and keep Rudolph’s nose lit for his entire life. Yes, it was tough for the Rudolphs to be the only Jewish family around, but it was worth it just for the endless supply of milk and cookies the family would receive as a thank you from Mr. Claus himself. 

Rudolph said his family was even able to introduce Jewish culture to the Claus family, and Santa enjoyed celebrating Shabbat, and all the other holidays that involve food. Rudolph’s Father also gave Santa some Yiddish lessons. Rudolph said one of his favorite childhood memories was his Father explaining the word “Nudnik” to Claus by telling him not to be a ‘Naked Santa Claus’…a ‘Nude Nick,’ as in St. Nick.

 

 

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Woman Who Used Air Fryer to Make Latkes For Her Friends Says True Miracle of Chanukah is Eating Healthy

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Louisville, KY — 26 year old Morgan Stern of Louisville, KY had a Chanukah party for her friends this past weekend, to celebrate the sixth night of the holiday. Unlike most Chanukah festivities, this one was missing one key ingredient: oil and lots of it.

“It’s so hard to eat healthy during Chanukah,” Stern commented. “Everyone is obsessed with frying things in oil. I don’t really get it. We need to start living a healthier lifestyle, which is why I choose to follow the Whole 30 diet. The least I can do for my friends is help them eat well, even if it’s just for one meal. It’s really a Chanukah miracle that we’re all able to partake in our traditional food without all the extra fat and calories. Isn’t being happy and healthy what Chanukah is all about anyway?”

Sadly Ms. Stern has since been barred from hosting any subsequent Chanukah functions, due to her complete refusal to understand the whole point of what the oil stands for. Remember, kids, you can’t commemorate the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting for eight days without oil. So fry your latkes and your sufganyot and your cheese curds and your jalapeño poppers and your fried chicken in as much oil as you possibly can, and save your Whole 30 for Passover. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

 

 

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Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

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BREAKING: Congregation’s Aluminum Sukkah Lost In Light Breeze

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San Francisco, CA – Following a sudden, unexpected light breeze, a search party has been formed to locate Congregation Beth Messiah’s brand new aluminum sukkah, which was last seen tumbling across the synagogue’s parking lot just after the wind began to blow.

“I was walking into the building this morning when this gentle wind picked up,” said Rabbi Michael Cohen. “At first I thought it was rather pleasant, but next thing I knew, I saw our sukkah tumbling end over end across the lot. It was halfway to the street before I even realized what was happening. I tried to run after it, but then the breeze picked up slightly and it blew down the hill and out of sight. I searched a block or so in every direction, but once it became clear that I wasn’t going to find it that way, I started calling our members to assist in the search.”

Within the hour, eight people had shown up to assist in the search, but the first foray turned up no results. “This kind of thing can be really tricky,” said longtime member Jacob Roth. “I’ve got one of those aluminum sukkahs myself. First year I used it, two days in, the wind picked up and the thing just lifted into the air like a box kite. I ended up having to get the ladder to pull it out of a tree. That’s when I learned: if you’re going to use one of these things, you need a good yard and lots of tent pegs. Otherwise, I doubt it’s even worth it.”

According to Rabbi Cohen, Mr. Roth had voiced these concerns to him at the start of the search. “I agree tent pegs would be a great idea if we had anything to drive them into, but we’ve got nothing but a cement parking lot here. Frankly, I’m mostly concerned with finding it right now. Once we’ve got it back here, we’ll worry about how to keep this from happening again.”

At press time, the search radius had been expanded and the search party had been sent out again.

Note: This is a developing story, and will be updated as new information becomes available.

UPDATE 10:23 AM: The sukkah was successfully located half a mile away, upside down and floating in the bay. It has been fished out, dried off and returned to the synagogue. Following a brief debate, it has been tied to their fence to prevent future incidents. 

UPDATE 10:25 AM: Another breeze picked up, and the sukkah was blown over onto its side but otherwise remained in place.

 

 

 

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FREE High Holiday Services!

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The High Holidays are just around the corner now! Remember, no Messianic congregation will ever charge you for admission or tickets to attend a High holiday service. If you need or want help finding a local Messianic congregation, please visit www.messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/ or contact us directly; we are happy to help!