Christians Must ‘Unhitch’ Jesus From Their Faith, Says Andy Stanley

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(SCREENSHOT: YOUTUBE/ANDY STANLEY)

 

Alpharetta, GA — The Senior Pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA, Andy Stanley, stated in his sermon, this past Sunday, that Christians must ‘unhitch’ their faith from Jesus. Just one week after suggesting that Christians must unhitch their faith from the Old Testament, Stanley has made yet another surprising announcement, that only furthers his belief in Replacement Theology. While many Christian Pastors are trying to get in touch with the Jewish roots of their faith, Stanley is working hard to drive a wedge between himself and the truth, and attempting to take as many misguided lemmings with him as possible.

“God has called us to be Christians,” Stanley said in his most recent sermon. “How can we be Christians when we are following a Jew? Jesus, or ‘Jewsus,’ as I like to call Him, is not a Christian; He is Jewish. To follow a Jew means we should be observing Jewish holidays and traditions, which we clearly are not doing, and have no intention to either. We must press onward and leave Jewsus behind with the rest of His kind. They are no longer God’s chosen people, but we are. And we must set an example for the rest of the world, by completely disregarding all of God’s instructions. It’s an uncharted path we’re walking here, but I’m confident, if we walk it together, we’ll get to where we need to be. And maybe that road doesn’t lead to Heaven, but maybe it leads somewhere better, like the Coca Cola headquarters, which are right here in sunny Atlanta. Look, I’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, I’m just saying it’s time to try something new. So we join forces and march onward, Christian soldiers. Onward to a new future and a new life. A life of high fructose corn syrup and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.”

Despite Andy Stanley’s recent ‘teachings,’ we know that Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 5:17-18 that He did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it, and until Heaven and Earth pass away, not even the smallest letter or stroke of a pen will disappear until everything comes to pass. Because of this, we can say for certain unhitching your faith from the Old Testament is completely against God’s will. But don’t take our word for it; head to BibleGateway or download the YouVersion Bible app and look it up for yourself, in the translation of your choice.

 

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

God Decides Not to Finish What He Began, Stating “I’ll Do it Tomorrow”

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Philippians 1:6 tells us God will finish in us what He began. However, human nature leads us to procrastinate. What if God did the same? What would our lives be like if He took a night off?

“Of course I’ll finish what I said I would,” said God The Almighty. “I just didn’t feel like doing it today, okay? I promise it’ll get done, just not today. I just want to binge watch Netflix today. Just give me a break. I’ve been working hard for over 6,000 years and now I just want to sit on the couch with a cold cerveza and some Chipotle and relax. I just want one night to myself. Just one. I’ll do it tomorrow. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine, just give me one night.”

For those who aren’t sinning or whining or complaining to God or praying for Him to take care of things that don’t matter, you have nothing to feel bad about here. For the rest of us, I think maybe we drove God to drink!

 

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It Turns Out 2 Chronicles 7:14 is Not Actually About America

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2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)

With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.

It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.

I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.

So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.

 

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