Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.
“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”
While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!
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So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.
But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.
“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.
God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.
Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.
The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”
Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was.
Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.
“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”
Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,
“My name is Jonah
And I am a Jew
I worship Adonai
And you should too!”
The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.
They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.
But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.
So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.
They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.
Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.
So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.
And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,
“Love me, love me, say that You love me,
I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.
Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,
I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,
Tonight and the rest of my life.
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
They’re never gonna keep me down.
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding.
Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,
And after all, You’re my wonderwall.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.
I wanna stand with You on a mountain,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.
So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”
And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.
Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”
And the people of Nineveh got woke.
Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.
When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.
And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.
So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.
“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”
And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.
And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.
Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.
But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.
Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.
And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.
And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.
And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”
***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.
Temecula, CA — Psalms 34:8 in the English Bible translations and Psalms 34:9 in the TLV and CJB says, “Taste and see that The Lord is good; oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him!” While this is meant to be a metaphor, for one woman Temecula, it’s literal. 39 year old, Ellen Glickman, of Kehilat Mashiach has been dealing with Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia her entire life, in which different words are associated with certain tastes. Ellen says living with Synesthesia can be both a blessing and a curse.
“I once met a man on OkCupid and I had to cancel our first date, because his name tasted like cilantro,” Glickman explained to The Meow. “The upside to my Synesthesia, and a big part of the reason why I became a believer in the first place, is that all the names of The Lord taste like various flavors of ice cream to me. The deeper I get into worship, the more kinds of ice cream I experience. Who wouldn’t want to continually taste ice cream? I definitely do. I can personally vouch that The Lord tastes good. Sometimes He tastes like chocolate and sometimes He tastes like cookies and cream. Whether it’s ‘Lord,’ ‘Adonai,’ ‘God,’ or ‘HaShem,’ I really can’t go wrong. And on the days when I’m craving mint chocolate chip, He’s ‘El Shaddai’ to me. It’s so great to be able to praise The Lord and feel like I’m having my favorite dessert at the same time! I just wish everything tasted as good as The Lord does.”
For the rest of us that do not possess Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia, we’ll just have to come up with other ways to continue striving to taste that The Lord is good. Until then, perhaps we can try eating something sweet while we worship. You can read more about Synesthesia here.
Alpharetta, GA — The Senior Pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA, Andy Stanley, stated in his sermon, this past Sunday, that Christians must ‘unhitch’ their faith from Jesus. Just one week after suggesting that Christians must unhitch their faith from the Old Testament, Stanley has made yet another surprising announcement, that only furthers his belief in Replacement Theology. While many Christian Pastors are trying to get in touch with the Jewish roots of their faith, Stanley is working hard to drive a wedge between himself and the truth, and attempting to take as many misguided lemmings with him as possible.
“God has called us to be Christians,” Stanley said in his most recent sermon. “How can we be Christians when we are following a Jew? Jesus, or ‘Jewsus,’ as I like to call Him, is not a Christian; He is Jewish. To follow a Jew means we should be observing Jewish holidays and traditions, which we clearly are not doing, and have no intention to either. We must press onward and leave Jewsus behind with the rest of His kind. They are no longer God’s chosen people, but we are. And we must set an example for the rest of the world, by completely disregarding all of God’s instructions. It’s an uncharted path we’re walking here, but I’m confident, if we walk it together, we’ll get to where we need to be. And maybe that road doesn’t lead to Heaven, but maybe it leads somewhere better, like the Coca Cola headquarters, which are right here in sunny Atlanta. Look, I’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, I’m just saying it’s time to try something new. So we join forces and march onward, Christian soldiers. Onward to a new future and a new life. A life of high fructose corn syrup and bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.”
Despite Andy Stanley’s recent ‘teachings,’ we know that Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 5:17-18 that He did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it, and until Heaven and Earth pass away, not even the smallest letter or stroke of a pen will disappear until everything comes to pass. Because of this, we can say for certain unhitching your faith from the Old Testament is completely against God’s will. But don’t take our word for it; head to BibleGateway or download the YouVersion Bible app and look it up for yourself, in the translation of your choice.
We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂
Philippians 1:6 tells us God will finish in us what He began. However, human nature leads us to procrastinate. What if God did the same? What would our lives be like if He took a night off?
“Of course I’ll finish what I said I would,” said God The Almighty. “I just didn’t feel like doing it today, okay? I promise it’ll get done, just not today. I just want to binge watch Netflix today. Just give me a break. I’ve been working hard for over 6,000 years and now I just want to sit on the couch with a cold cerveza and some Chipotle and relax. I just want one night to myself. Just one. I’ll do it tomorrow. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine, just give me one night.”
For those who aren’t sinning or whining or complaining to God or praying for Him to take care of things that don’t matter, you have nothing to feel bad about here. For the rest of us, I think maybe we drove God to drink!
2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)
With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.
It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.
I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.
So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.