Progressive Rabbi Volunteers Synagogue Building as Newest Site for Amazon Locker

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Pensacola, FL — Since 2011, internet retailer, Amazon, has been offering off site lockers in select locations. The lockers provide an alternative to having packages delivered to your home. As package theft becomes more and more prevalent, the need for these lockers is becoming greater. While Amazon lockers are typically found in retail locations, one Rabbi in Pensacola is providing space for them in his Synagogue.

“Well, we had some empty space available in our building that wasn’t being used for anything,” Rabbi Eric Tokajer, of Brit Ahm Messianic Synagogue, explained to the Messianic Daily News. “I’m always looking for new ideas for our congregation that will catapult us into the next decade, like a men’s conference, an inter-congregational cruise, and a coffee shop called ‘Java Nagila’ that we run once a month. Having Amazon Locker in our space is a great way to get people in the door that wouldn’t otherwise be setting foot in our building. We have so many events going on during the week, it’s likely they’ll walk in to pick up their package while a Bible study, dance class, or Shabbat service is happening. The hope is that they’ll either stay for the event, or come back for a later one. It’s even better if they select our congregation on Amazon Smile; not only are their packages giving back to us financially, but we wind up with more members, because they walked in and stayed for Shabbat, when they wouldn’t normally have been here otherwise. I know it’s a real forward thinking idea. I like to consider myself pretty progressive, which is why we own our Synagogue building, instead of renting it.”

After hearing about Brit Ahm’s new idea to acquire more members from the general population, it is expected that Messianic Congregations across the county will follow suit in hosting Amazon Lockers. At press time, Brit Ahm estimates they have five new congregants from this experiment; one of which Jewish.

 

 

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A New Slogan For Messianic Judaism: The Top 10 Finalists

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A few weeks ago we asked you all to come up with a new slogan for Messianic Judaism to replace “Returning to The God of our Fathers, by becoming fully devoted followers of Yeshua.” It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that slogan, but it’s almost 2020 and it’s time for a refresh. We received more than 100 submissions and we narrowed it down to 10. Please vote for your favorite and we’ll announce the winner on January 1st. The person who submitted the winning slogan will receive an all expenses paid trip for two to the Messianic Conference of their choosing, courtesy of our sponsor, Jewish Voice.

 

 

•Messianic Judaism: There’s nothing better than a Jew who believes in Jesus.

•Messianic Judaism: There’s nothing better than a Gentile living as a Jew who believes in Jesus.

•Messianic Judaism: How many extra syllables can we shove into this song?

•Messianic Judaism: Free food with every service.

•Messianic Judaism: Conferences and disagreements.

•Messianic Judaism: Many organizations; zero organization.

•Messianic Judaism: You aren’t being abused; The Lord is just testing you.

•Messianic Judaism: Stop the ride; I want to get off.

•Messianic Judaism: We’d tell you to drink the Kool-aid, but it’s not Kosher.

•Messianic Judaism: 30% Jewish, 100% Stubborn.

 

 

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Worship Leader High Fived for Covering Up Rape in Congregation

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Amarillo, TX — Alarming news from Messianic Congregation Tikvat Shalom in Amarillo, TX, after a worship leader was rewarded with a high five for sweeping a rape under the rug. Jenny Morgandorfer, who plays guitar and sings with the worship band every Shabbat, was out to lunch with another congregant, who informed Jenny that she had been raped by a member of the prayer team, after giving him a ride home last week, and was too afraid to go to the police. Jenny advised her she did the right thing by not going to the police, as it’s best to keep things quiet in this situation. The man was already on the national sex offender registry, and reporting this to the police would send him to jail. Not wanting to lose him from the prayer team or let anyone find out that he is already a sex offender, Miss Morgandorfer went directly to Rabbi Milt Schwartzberg to apprise him of the situation, at which point Schwartzberg high fived Morgandorfer for the decision she made at how to handle the quandary.

“She dun good,” Rabbi Milt said to himself, in his own head. “She dun real good. Look, when it all comes down to it, this is the Bible Belt. And not only is it the Bible Belt, we’re a Messianic congregation. It doesn’t matter what’s actually happening within these walls, it only matters what appears to be happening to the rest of the Messianic movement. If the wider community doesn’t see us as spotless, then we’re doing something very very wrong. Nevermind if we’re actually doing something wrong; I just want to be able to make it look like everything is okay when I see my peers at the conferences we attend together. And anyway, Yeshua said, ‘Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.’ And they’re all sinners too, so who are they to judge us? Who is anyone to judge us? We’re fine. It’s fine. This is all fine.”

At press time, Tikvat Shalom continues to operate under the pretense that everything is okay, and all attendees of their congregation have done no wrong and have experienced or caused no trauma.

 

 

*******If you know of any affiliated Messianic Congregations where some or all of the leadership is covering up rape or any other kind of sexual, physical, spiritual, verbal, or other type of abuse directed at you or anyone else, and you are not comfortable reporting it yourself, let us know and we’ll report it to the affiliated organization for you.*******

“You’ll Have to Pry This Congregation Out of My Cold, Dead Hands,” Says 84 Year Old Messianic Rabbi, After 5th Heart Attack

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Champaign, IL — Being in a small college town, far away from any major city, Congregation Shmatte Yarmulke has had its ups and downs over the years, but none more so than their long-in-the-tooth Rabbi suffering from a smattering of heart attacks and multiple bypass surgeries. While those who attend the Synagogue are concerned that their leader has reached the end of his career, he has no such plans to make any changes.

“I may be 84 years old, but I’m a young 84 years old,” Rabbi Paul Millburn said to his congregants, in a members meeting this week. “So I’ve had a few setbacks recently, but here I sit before you, fully capable of running this congregation. Look, are most 84 year olds retired? Yes. But here’s the thing…who would be able to take over this congregation if I did retire? A lot of Messianic congregations across the entire country are having this problem. Nobody in the next generation is stepping up. Nobody is ready. And even if they were, this congregation of 30 people couldn’t pay my retirement! I’d be out on my tush. Call me stubborn, call me an alter cocker, call me what you will, but you know I’m right. I’ve survived five heart attacks, three bypass surgeries, and my pacemaker failing; I can survive you trying to overthrow me too! You’ll have to pry this congregation out of my cold, dead hands before I just give in and move to Boca.”

Though Congregation Shmatte Yarmulke is at a crossroads, as their Rabbi is rapidly aging, yet not quite ready to step down, at least they aren’t the only Messianic Congregation in this same situation. At press time, the congregation’s Assistant Rabbi could not be reached for comment.

 

 

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Messianic Couple Swears Their House Sold Faster After Burying Upside Down Statue of Joel Chernoff in Their Backyard

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Walla Walla, WA — Astonishing news out of Walla Walla this week, after local Messianic couple, Frank and Janice Walkervicz, claim their house sold immediately after burying an upside down statue of famed Messianic musician, Joel Chernoff, in their backyard. The pair had been trying to relocate to Florida, but their house was not selling. After more than seven months on the market, the two finally reached a point of desperation.

“We’ve all heard the bubbemeis about how if you bury an upside down statue of Joel Chernoff in your backyard, your house would sell faster,” Frank Walkervicz explained to News Channel 9. “We’d tried everything up to this point: praying in English, praying in tongues, deliverance, tithing extra, and nothing was working. We’re just ready to get out of this state and retire to Florida, and Janice and I were just tired of waiting, so we thought, ‘what the heck?’ ya know? We had this old Joel Chernoff bobble head laying around that was given to us for being one of the first 100 people in the door at Messiah Conference one year, so we figured we’d give it a go. We buried it upside down in the backyard, as the legend foretold, and sure enough, our house sold just two hours later. Two hours! We couldn’t believe it! We can’t recommend this trick enough, if you want to sell your house. Goodbye, Walla Walla; hello, Sunshine State!”

While the aforementioned collector’s edition Joel Chernoff bobble head dolls are now out of print, we were able to locate some on Ebay, going for as much as $100,000 each. We hope the MJAA will begin offering them again someday, so all Messianics around the globe can partake in selling their homes in a more timely manner.

 

 

 

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Rabbi to Hand Out Mezuzahs to Trick-or-Treaters After Purchasing Hundreds on Bulk Clearance

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Lincoln, NE — After a local Judaica store offered a going-out-of-business liquidation sale, Rabbi Gerry Barry of Beth Jesus House of The Lord in Lincoln, Nebraska, made sure to take advantage of the clearance prices. Barry cleared out the store’s entire inventory of mezuzah cases, as the store promised an extra discount for anyone with the chutzpah to do so.

“I don’t know why Lincoln’s only Judaica store would go out of business in the first place, but I was more than happy to purchase 720 mezuzah cases at only $2 a piece,” Rabbi Barry explained. “Now that’s a metziah if I ever saw one! Initially I had no plan for the mezuzot, but at those prices, I simply could not pass up the bargain. Now that I have them, the only thing I can think to use them for is trick-or-treaters. I’ll be honest, I HATE Halloween! It’s from HaSatan and I usually hide in my basement every October 31st and turn all my lights out, but what else am I going to do with 720 mezuzah cases? At least this way the children have something meaningful and not just an extra way to rot their teeth. What little boy or girl in Nebraska wouldn’t want a free mezuzah case?! They’ll have to get their own Kosher scroll though; I’m not made of money after all!”

Rabbi Barry says he will be handing out the mezuzahs at his house tonight from 4pm-8pm; the town’s trick-or-treating hours. He said any child dressed as a witch, the devil, or Harry Potter will be given an extra mezuzah case, as well as some anointing oil.

 

 

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Jonathan Cahn Calculates Apocalypse Happened Two Years Ago, Locks Himself in Emergency Bunker

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BREAKING: It has now been just over four hours since New York Times best-selling author, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn, locked himself into the emergency fallout shelter in his backyard with his wife and children. According to Congregation Beth Israel member, Sam Shapiro, the situation apparently began at the Rabbi’s office earlier this morning.

“I had a 9:30 A.M. meeting with him,” said Shapiro, “but at 9:45 he was still locked in his office; I think he was working on his message for the Messiah Conference. Anyway, I could kind of hear him through the door. He was clearly agitated, and kept saying something about the mystery being all wrong. I finally went to knock on his door to see if he was okay, and when he came out he had this wild look in his eyes. He grabbed me by the shoulders and said, ‘It’s started. It’s started and we didn’t even know. Get to the shelters!!’ Then he just ran out of the building and drove off.” 

Upon looking into the Rabbi’s office, Shapiro noticed five open Bibles and a stack of notes. “The notes were a real mess, filled with a jumble of dates, calculations and verse references. Right at the top of the first page, Rabbi Cahn had written the word ‘APOCALYPSE,’ and directly underneath it he’d written a date: April 13, 2017. It was underlined like five times and circled repeatedly. Apparently he’d calculated out the date of the Apocalypse, and it’s already happened. I’m no expert, but I looked through the notes and the math seems solid. Who’d have thought, right?”

Friends and relatives have gathered at the Rabbi’s home, attempting to force their way into the shelter or otherwise coax him out, but so far have met with no success. Communication with Cahn has been limited, but from what little can be heard through the thick, lead-lined door, it appears they may have to prepare themselves for a long wait, as the Rabbi seemingly plans to remain barricaded within until the calculated end of the Apocalypse approximately five years from now.

As for the members of the Rabbi’s congregation, most seem to be taking his concern to heart. “If the Rabbi says the end of days is here, it’s here,” said Jessica Cohen. “I’ve got a shelter, and I plan on getting in there as soon as my cleaners come by next week to spruce it up a bit.”

“Sadly, I don’t have a shelter of my own,” said Josh Isenberg. “It’s kind of hard to build something like that when you live in an apartment. But I’m in talks with a few of the other members, and hopefully I’ll have a place to wait out the rest of the Apocalypse within the next month or so.”

As for Shapiro, he seems to have a somewhat more pragmatic view of things. “I mean, sure, it’s the apocalypse, but it hasn’t been too bad these first two years, so I think I’ll just ride it out up here. Besides, I talked to a few of the others and none of their shelters have Netflix. So yeah, I’m good.”

 

 

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