Category Archives: Government

EXCLUSIVE: MJAA To Announce New “One Anti-Democracy Insurrection Per Board Member” Policy

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Ever since the violent insurrection at the United States Capitol on January 6th of this year, the MJAA has struggled to formulate a proper response. One source of complication has been the fact that one of the organization’s executive board members, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff, was allegedly among the rioters who entered the Capitol as part of an attempt to overturn the free and fair election of President Joe Biden. Now, even as news spreads throughout the world of Rabbi Stepakoff’s arrest over his alleged actions on that day, an exclusive source on the board has informed The Meow that the MJAA will finally address the issue in the coming days by way of a major change to their ethics policy.

“The MJAA has the utmost respect for the laws of the United States of America, and we take any violation of those laws seriously,” reads an official statement leaked to The Meow, a copy of which will be posted on the MJAA’s website once the new rule has gone into effect. “As such, effective immediately, any board member who engages in more than one attempt to subvert the democracy of this great nation and/or disrupt its duly elected representatives shall be subject to censure and possible removal from the board. Everyone gets one freebie, but that’s it. However, if they use that one up, they have the option to exercise a second one. If they happen to use both within a period of eight years, they can apply for a third, by actually performing the act again. After all, we are living under grace, are we not? Of course, if they do it a fourth or fifth time, well we’ll enact the same process for those incidents as well. Now if they do it a sixth time…well it’s the same story. Basically, we have to instate this policy for one, but really, who are we to enforce that?”

“I think it’s a real game changer,” said our source. “I can’t speak for the rest of the board, but personally, I’m immensely proud of what we’ve accomplished today. From now on, even our most politically outspoken board members will think twice before participating in a second, third, or even fourth effort to forcibly undermine everything this nation was founded on. Instead, they’ll have to content themselves with posting misinformation and conspiracy theories online.”

When pressed on how effective this new reform would be, the source was emphatic. “I can’t possibly think of a stronger deterrent. Sure, it technically provides no consequences for anything he’s already done, and it gives everyone else multiple freebies, but I think it’s only fair that we all have the chance to be on equal footing. Besides, when a policy is so clearly directed at one particular member, it sends a pretty clear message, and I have to imagine he’s heard that message and learned his lesson. And just to be sure that he doesn’t forget that lesson, we’ve even taken to calling it ‘the Stepakoff Statute.’ Not to his face, of course – that would just be cruel – but I think he gets the point.”

At press time, our source had assured The Meow that the board has no plans to enact a similar limitation regarding false prophecy.



Bunk History: Remember When Yeshua Encouraged Large Gatherings to Continue Happening Amid a Global Leprosy Outbreak?

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It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:

•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy

•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy

•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’

•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery

•And more!

“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.

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Man Mistakenly Marries Wrong Sister After Being Required to Wear Masks at Own Wedding

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Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.

“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”

While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!

 

 

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YMJA President Threatens Messianic Meow with IAMCS Investigation for Mocking Him

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Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.

“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”

Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

 

 

 

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FDA Retroactively Warns: Smoking Marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s May Cause You to Become Messianic Rabbi

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Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.

“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”

Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”

 

 

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Rabbi Tim Hyslip Found to Actually Be Superman

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Glendale, AZ – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that Rabbi Tim Hyslip of Congregation Baruch HaShem, near Phoenix, is actually Superman. The study began in December after Rabbi Tim suffered a Level 3 Embolic Stroke in his right frontal lobe and was released from the hospital within four days. This marks the first medical related study from the behavior institute.

“Rabbi Tim’s stroke coordinator referred to him as a ‘walking miracle’ and we can’t exactly argue with her there,” explained Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “For someone barely into their 40s to have a stroke the size of an adult male’s fist and be out of the hospital in less than a handful of days…I mean obviously something is going on here that we can’t see. Other than God performing a modern day miracle, of course. I started to suspect that Rabbi Tim may be Superman when he was released from the hospital. First of all, it’s a well known fact that Superman is Jewish. Second of all, Superman and Rabbi Tim have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so that definitely tipped me off. And third of all, and I cannot stress this enough…’walking miracle’ or hidden super powers? You be the judge. Fortunately for us we were able to get a sample of Rabbi Tim’s blood from the hospital and have run extensive tests, the results of which we have finally received from our friends at the CDC. Normally the CDC would not be helping with something like this, but they were incredibly intrigued. Anyway, Rabbi Tim did, in fact, test positive for a Kryptonite allergy, proving that he is definitely Superman. This may also explain why he insists on changing clothes in phone booths.”

While Rabbi Tim does possess super human recovery powers, unfortunately he and his family of seven do not have super human make-money-appear-out-of-nowhere powers, and still have to figure out how to pay for the medical bills acquired from this already stressful ordeal. Please consider helping them out by donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/timhyslipmedicalfund

 

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Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC

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Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”

 

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Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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