Category Archives: Jews for Jesus

Jews for Jesus to Start Training Their Missionaries to Drive for Uber, in Latest Guerrilla Evangelism Tactic

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San Francisco, CA — Interesting news out of the headquarters of the largest Jewish evangelistic organization in the world, as Jews for Jesus announced they are now planning to train their missionaries to drive for Uber, in their latest guerrilla evangelism tactic. After acquiring Starbucks and opening several coffee shops across the globe, it was time to try something even more left field, in order to win hearts for Jesus. Uber, which is also headquartered in San Francisco, previously began a campaign to deliver Bibles upon request. After which, they were more than happy to partner with a local missionary organization.

“We are constantly trying to come up with new and creative ways to reach unsaved Jews,” Jews for Jesus Missionary and Head of Innovations, Isaac Brickner, explained in a recent newsletter. “If we get our missionaries driving for companies, such as Uber, our passengers are a captive audience. They have no choice but to listen to what we’re saying. They literally can’t walk away from us while we’re talking to them, unless they have really excellent tuck and roll skills. I don’t know why anyone would want to walk away from us anyway; we’re very fun. On top of this, it’s a great way for our missionaries to be able to raise a little extra support. Anyway, with Christmas and New Years coming up, lots of people are going to be calling for an Uber. It just seemed like perfect timing to test this out around the holidays. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to our intern, Rachel, for coming up with the name ‘Jewber for Jesus.’ Great work, Rachel!”

Jews for Jesus plans to have their missionary drivers fully trained in time for Christmas Eve, but did not have an exact date when that would begin. The new program is set for a trial run in San Francisco and New York City, with the other branches starting training early next year. Jews for Jesus said when you ride with them, you can expect to receive the following: a bottle of water, a mint, a broadside, and salvation. They are looking for more missionary/Jewber for Jesus drivers. If you’d like to serve with them, you can find out more information at https://jewsforjesus.org/get-involved/serve/

 

 

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Messiah Conference 2019 Livestream to Move to Five Second Delay After Guest Speaker Drops Four Letter Word on Stage

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Grantham, PA  — Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.

“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”

While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.

 

 

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Jews for Jesus’ Secret Past and the Real Reason They Don’t Want You to Refer to the San Francisco Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House’

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San Francisco, CA — Jewish Ministry organization, Jews for Jesus, has branches in various cities across the world and many of those locations have housing for their missionaries and out of town guests. Headquarter city, San Francisco, has the most notorious housing situation. Their Hospitality House has come to be known as ‘the Ho House,’ but Jews for Jesus wants everyone to stop calling it that, and you’ll never believe why.

We all know who founded Jews for Jesus, but is there someone missing from the story? The answer may surprise you. An anonymous JFJ missionary, who asked to just be referred to as “Streetlight,” confirmed that there was, in fact, another person involved that has intentionally been left out of the story.

The missing person, Jacob Hookman, was instrumental in the birth of Jews For Jesus, but would later be the first person to betray JFJ and their mission. Hookman had an intense vision for sailing the seas and ministering to Jews who were displaced on various islands throughout the world’s oceans. Hookman learned to sail so he could take his mission of ministering to Jews to the seas. He joined the Navy and quickly worked his way up the ranks to Captain. After leaving the Navy on an honorable discharge, Hookman changed his name to a less Jewish sounding name of James Hook, to make himself less obvious to any anti-Semites he might encounter during his travels. Captain James Hook left San Francisco on his boat, the Jolly Roger, promising Jews for Jesus he would bring back the donations he was gifted from church presentations.

Sadly, Captain Hook drank too much sea water and lost his mind and his way. Instead of ministering to Jews and singing Jesus loving Jewish folk music at churches, Captain Hook disappeared, sending only a letter to Moishe Rosen stating that he had become a pirate on some unknown island and was enjoying terrorizing little orphan boys and Indians and that he would not be returning.

Captain Hook did return to San Francisco one last time, however. His crew was obnoxious, and their “Land, ho!” exclamation upon arriving in San Francisco was so loud it could be heard from miles away. In true pirate fashion, Hook did, unfortunately, wind up stealing every penny he could find from Jews for Jesus, never to be seen or heard from again.

So, you see, kids, when you refer to the Hospitality House as ‘the Ho House,’ it reminds everyone of Captain Hook’s chant of ‘Land, Ho,’ and subsequent betrayal. The painful memories are too much for everyone to endure, so just stop calling it that, okay? Just stop.

 

 

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Millions of Jewish and Gentile Believers Come Together to Name New Baby Giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’

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Murca — April the Giraffe, who rose to celebrity status by being pregnant for a year and a half, gave birth to a male calf this past weekend, and then was mercilessly slaughtered by Orthodox Rabbis who wanted to take advantage of giraffes being biblically Kosher. To raise funds for an upgrade of their giraffe encounter, Animal Adventure Park is having a contest to name the new baby giraffe. The wider believing community agreed to make the most of this incredible evangelistic opportunity and name the baby “Jesus is The Messiah.”

“Every believer can agree on one thing, and that’s that Jesus is The Messiah,” said Jonathan Bernis, President of the Messianic Movement. “Have you read that book ‘The One Thing’ by Gary Keller? It’s great! Anyway, our one thing is we all have the same Messiah, whether we are Jewish or Gentile. We put our feelers out through Jewish Voice, the MJAA, the UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People, Tikkun, First Fruits of Zion, The Tree of Life Bible Society, Life in Messiah, The Messianic Times, and our partnering Christian ministries and everyone agreed naming the baby giraffe ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ is an evangelistic opportunity that we should not pass up. We decided our message would reach more people if we used the name Jesus, instead of Yeshua. That baby will have a long name, but it will be worth it. Plus, if it can’t hack it as a giraffe, it can always become a race horse.”

Animal Adventure Park is allowing people to pay to vote for names for the new calf. There is no maximum of votes, but there is a minimum of five. Each vote costs $1. Please visit www.nameaprilscalf.com to vote to name the new baby ‘Jesus is The Messiah’ and help get our message out!

 

 

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BREAKING NEWS: Life in Messiah Exists

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Lansing, IL – Breaking news out of Chicago today as we just found out there is a Jewish Evangelistic organization that is not Jews for Jesus and not Chosen People Ministries. The organization, called Life in Messiah, works similarly to the aforementioned organizations, but is a separate entity. Not only is it a separate entity, but it just plain exists. I mean, really, who knew??

“Our organization has actually been around since 1887,” Life in Messiah Director, Wes Taber, explained to us. “And we have over 14,000 Facebook fans, which is a lot more than I can say for The Messianic Meow. Perhaps the reason you haven’t heard of ‘Life in Messiah’ is because we keep changing our name. We started as the Chicago Hebrew Mission, then became American Messianic Fellowship, then AMF International (but not that AMF), and now we mostly go by ‘The organization formerly known as Prince of Peace is the answer.’ But, you know, we still prefer Life in Messiah.”

So there you have it, folks. Life in Messiah…it’s real. It’s a thing. It’s…aliiiive. So check them out on the web www.lifeinmessiah.org

Meow out.

 

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Rival Street Gangs Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus to Present Updated Version of West Side Story

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Murca – Jets on the left, Sharks on the right, there’s gonna be a mitzvah tonight. Interesting news from the two largest Messianic Missionary organizations this week, as Chosen People Ministries and Jews for Jesus simultaneously announced they will be starring alongside each other in an updated version of the hit Broadway musical “West Side Story.” West Side Story, also known as a modern day Romeo and Juliet, revolves around two rival street gangs who struggle to co-exist with each other in 1950s New York City. This is somehow incredibly appropriate for two organizations that, for some reason, seem to compete against each other, if you will, while serving the exact same purpose.

“We wanted to show the world we can get along by pretending to fight,” explained Chosen People Ministries President, Dr. Mitch Glaser, on his blog. “In the new version of West Side Story, Chosen People Missionaries will be cast as Sharks and Jews for Jesus Missionaries will be cast as Jets. We’ve also updated the lyrics to reflect what we represent, such as ‘When you’re a Jew you’re a Jew all the way from your first matzah ball to your last dying day’ and ‘I’d like to go make Aliyah/But I can’t cuz I love Yeshua/Everything’s hard when you love Yeshua/Except for your heart cuz you love Yeshua.’ Also, instead of the rumbles being fought with weapons, we will be going back and forth with different tracts, which are essentially saying the same thing. Really, it doesn’t make sense for us to fight with each other at all when we have the exact same message, but musicals don’t always make sense. Hopefully it’ll make for a good show though.”

The new production is set to air on PBS on February 11th and you will also be able to purchase a copy of the show from chosenpeople.com and jewsforjesus.org

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

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Jews for Jesus to Start Requiring Their Missionaries to Have Tattoos

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San Francisco, CA – While the common stereotype for Jewish people is to not have tattoos or else they can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, Jews for Jesus, the leading organization for Jewish evangelism, has never been one to follow the crowd. On the forefront of an ever changing society, JFJ has always been a pioneer in developing and executing new ideas and their latest idea will shock the entire Jewish community: mandatory tattoos for their missionaries.

“It’s a new day and we need a new way to reach as many UJs [Unsaved Jews] as we can,” said JFJ Executive Director, David Brickner. “One of our missionaries, Arielle Randle, presented a paper earlier this year at the Lausanne Consultation on Jewish Evangelism Conference of North America titled ‘Nothing New Under the Sun: What Jewish young adults today have in common with their parents’ generation and why they are just as open to the gospel.’ In it she stated, ‘Through culturally relevant methods, the gospel was brought to the hippies. Now we must bring it to the hipsters.’  I couldn’t agree with that more. The one thing every hipster has in common with other hipsters is that they all have tattoos! The best way to reach hipsters is to blend in with them; make them think we’re one of them. How do you do that? Have tattoos! So we’re starting to require our missionaries to have tattoos in order to better reach our #1 target audience: hipsters. Some of our missionaries already have tattoos, which is great. They’ll be the ones leading our sorties and other evangelistic events. Our other missionaries were given a year to comply, which I thought was adequate time to pick out a tattoo and artist. Not everyone agreed with this new policy. You’ll notice a lot of our staff have left recently. It was displeasure over this policy that they all left, but I can assure you I still stand by it 100%. It’s also a great way to weed out those who aren’t serious about sharing the gospel with hipsters. And don’t worry, we’re allowing everyone to choose their own tattoos, though we did strongly recommend they get the Shema tattooed upon their hands or as a frontlet between their eyes.”

Jews for Jesus is definitely venturing to go where no Jewish evangelist has gone before, with mandatory tattoos, but we trust that they know what they’re doing. If you’d like to help their missionaries pick out tattoos you may visit jewsforjesus.org and if you’d like to read Arielle’s entire article that this idea was based on you can find that at http://www.lcje-na.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Randle_Arielle.pdf