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Category Archives: UMJC
The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!
With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.
Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.
How to play:
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”
•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage
•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair
•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you
•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:
-One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take
an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from
The Falcon
-Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes
-You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be
included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario
•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class
•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together
•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it
•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens
•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf
•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi
•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference
•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit
•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting
•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced
•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance
•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English
•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult
•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band
•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”
•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry
•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible
•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story
•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done
•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year
Our favorite mocktail recipes:
Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary
1 glass of tomato juice
1 stalk of celery
Ice (optional)
Virgin Mojitoseph Project
1 oz fresh lime juice
2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar
1 cup crushed ice
12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs
1 oz club soda
1 old lamb
Virgin White Russian Jew
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 oz cold brew coffee
1 jar of gefilte fish
Ice
Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach
1 oz peach juice
3 oz orange juice
3 oz cranberry juice
1 One piece bathing suit
The YMJA
Hummus
Chocolate milk
Fruit roll ups
Doritos
The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union
Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye
Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow
NEW for 2018: The Messianic Zodiac!
We all know horoscopes and the zodiac come from Satan himself, but if we make our own then it’s okay! So without further ado here is the all new Messianic Zodiac. Simply look up the year you were born and find out all about your life!
•The year of the Shofar:
1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020, 2032
You are stubborn and love free food. People tend to abuse you, especially when they are trying to impress a crowd. Don’t hide your talents from the world, but don’t let people use them incorrectly either.
•The year of the Hummus:
1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021, 2033
You are stubborn and love free food. Keep that garlic breath to yourself, especially when on a date with someone you met online.
•The year of the Bagel:
1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022, 2034
You are stubborn and love free food. You are crusty on the outside and empty on the inside. Try filling that void with Yeshua.
•The year of the Matzah Ball Soup:
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023, 2035
You are stubborn and love free food. You are warm and comfort those around you when they are sick. Sometimes you will float and sometimes you will sink, but either way, you will always prevent people from pooping when they consume high doses of you.
•The year of the Kugel:
1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024, 2036
You are stubborn and love free food. You stand on your own without adding any unnecessary accoutrements, like raisins. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
•The year of the Vegetable Spring Rolls:
1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025, 2037
You are stubborn and love free food. Word on the street is you are so much better than your pork-filled counterparts. You’re most popular on Christmas.
•The year of the Joel Chernoff:
1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026, 2038
You are stubborn and love free food. You are full of lais, but where would we be without you? Probably in the UMJC.
•The year of the Challah:
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027, 2039
You are stubborn and love free food. Gluten is so last year and so are those shoes you still wear to Shul every week. Try getting a personal shopper or a stylist.
•The year of the felt banner that covers up the cross in the sanctuary of the church you rent from:
1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028, 2040
You are stubborn and love free food. You’re not fooling anyone by covering up your secrets. We know. We all know.
•The year of the Belt Loop Tzit-Tzit:
1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029, 2041
You are stubborn and love free food. Some people have you wrapped around their finger, while others keep you in their pocket. Don’t worry if people tell you you are not as important as head-coverings. They don’t care much for fringe benefits.
•The year of the Manischewitz Wine:
1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030, 2042
You are stubborn and love free food. You are way too sweet for most people, but nonetheless you are a timeless classic. We can always count on you to stick around through the ages.
•The year of the Conference:
1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031, 2043
You are stubborn and love free food. There’s sure a lot of you to go around, but without you, life as we know it would crumble.
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Pre-MLR Will Make Its Re-Branding Debut This Weekend as ‘MLR Jr.’
Phoenix, AZ — The 10th annual Messianic Leadership Roundtable will take place this weekend, starting with what was formerly known as “Pre-MLR.” Pre-MLR is the day before MLR and is geared toward the next generation of Messianic leaders. MLR is the only leadership conference in the entire Messianic movement that brings together leaders from every major Messianic Organization and allows them to be in a controlled environment with plenty of security officers to prevent them from killing each other.
“Originally, this year’s MLR was going to be an African Safari in Kenya, but due to rising costs, we very unfortunately had to cancel that trip and move the conference back to Phoenix,” explained Jewish Voice and Messianic Movement President Jonathan Bernis. “Since this is our 10th MLR, we still wanted to do something to make the 2018 conference stand out. It was always our intention to change the name of Pre-MLR. That name was temporary until we could come up with a better one, and I really think we have a winner with ‘MLR Jr.’ it’s got a much nicer ring to it, and it also describes what the event actually is: a day for the youngsters. And I know those youngsters love catchy names they can pound sign on Instatwitter. So make sure you pound sign MLR Jr this year if you’re attending. And if you’re not attending, it’s only because you weren’t important enough to be invited. I’m looking at you, Messianic Meow! But I digress. Seriously though, pound sign MLR Jr. I’m not quite sure exactly what that does, but Matt Rosenberg told me it was a thing.”
If you’d like to be invited to MLR/ MLR Jr in the future, you may want to consider becoming a Rabbi. Most the MJAA and UMJC congregations in the U.S. are ready to start training up their next Rabbi, and it could be you…unless you’re a woman!
Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow
Israeli Messianic Band MIQEDEM Working on Greatest Hits Album
Tel Aviv, Israel — Messianic Judaism’s favorite band, MIQEDEM, announced last week they are working on their second album. After exploding to Messianic fame in the last year, including a US tour, the demand is high enough to record a sophomore album just a little over a year after releasing their debut album. The Messianic world is waiting with bated breath to see what Jamie H. and his crew will come up with next.
“I’ve been part of many many many Messianic bands and MIQEDEM has found the greatest success, by far,” lead singer and guitarist, Jamie H., said in a video on MIQEDEM’s Indiegogo page. “People love to listen to our songs on repeat. In fact, when we played the UMJC conference in July, the crowd wanted us to keep going, but we were out of songs. So we just went through our album again and everyone loved it. I don’t know if they even noticed, and I think it’s because they don’t understand what we’re singing about, because American Messianics don’t understand Hebrew. So after that we realized we could probably release a greatest hits album already. We’ll get money from selling two albums and we don’t even have to write any new material. It’s a win-win situation.”
MIQEDEM is raising money to record their second album, which will include every song from their first album, plus Elohim Lanu and Kol HaNeshama. If you’d like to help MIQEDEM reach their goal of $23,200 to record their new album, you may donate here: www.indiegogo.com/projects/miqedem-album-2#/
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UMJC Executive Committee Rules Seth Klayman Allowed to Play Flute in Rabbis’ Band at Upcoming National Conference
Los Angeles, CA – The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations is preparing for their annual conference, which will take place July 12th-15th near Chicago. One of their traditions is having a band, that consists entirely of UMJC Rabbis, play at the conference. However, after Rabbi Seth Klayman was ousted as the Pied Piper of Messianic Judaism just a few weeks ago, a petition went around to prevent Klayman from being able to play his magical brainwashing flute as part of the UMJC Conference Rabbis’ band. After careful consideration, the UMJC Executive Committee has ruled that Rabbi Seth will be allowed to play his flute at the conference after all.
“Once the petition started going around to stop Rabbi Seth Klayman from playing in the Rabbis’ Band at the Union Conference, we knew we had to have a teleconference about this,” UMJC Vice President, Rabbi Dr. John Fischer explained, in a statement released by the UMJC. “We heard a very convincing argument presented to us by UMJC Secretary…Rabbi Seth Klayman, which he opted to play for us on his flute, rather than use his words. The committee unanimously agreed to allow Seth to play in the band, as well as donate $50,000 to his congregation. I am also now considering leaving my own congregation to move to Raleigh. I don’t know what just happened, I just know that I heard some beautiful flute music and I can’t wait to hear more at the Conference.”
You can hear Rabbi Seth and the rest of the Rabbis’ Band at the upcoming UMJC Conference in Skokie, IL. To register for the conference, visit www.eventbrite.com/e/union-conference-chicago-2017-tickets-32168486810
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Conference Junkies to be Recognized at Summer Conferences with Special Serrated Half Ribbon Underneath Their Name Badges
Murca — Interesting news from the Greater Messianic Movement this week, as President Bernis announced Conference Junkies will finally get the recognition they crave. Beginning with the inaugural Conference Conference, which takes place this coming weekend, all major Messianic Organizations have agreed to add a special serrated half ribbon underneath the name badges of anyone who has attended four or more Messianic conferences in the last year and a half, that will read “Conference Enthusiast.” This may seem like overkill, but Conference Junkies help make the Movement go ‘round.
“I am so happy that my incessant conference attending is finally going to pay off,” said notorious Conference Junkie, Stephanie Escalante. “Don’t get me wrong, there are many other benefits to attending all these conferences, but it’s about time we get something in return, even if it is just a ribbon underneath my nametag. I will cherish it forever. Plus, I think it’ll give me some street cred with the UMJC Rabbis. I’ve mostly been involved with the MJAA, but I’m the new UMJC Leadership Development Program Manager and I really think having this ribbon on my name badges will make a world of difference for me trying to make a name for myself within the Union.”
The new ribbons will automatically come attached to the name badges of anyone meeting the aforementioned requirements. There is nowhere to sign up for this accolade; we just know who you are. Oh, we know. Everyone knows.
Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow
Desperate for New Rabbis, UMJC to Begin Ordaining Women
Los Angeles, CA – Historical announcement from the UMJC this week, as they’ve decided to finally begin ordaining women to be Rabbis. While some sects of Judaism, as well as a few non UMJC Messianic congregations, have allowed and welcomed female Rabbis or other female leadership roles, the UMJC seems to be behind on this change. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Yesterday, the first round draft pick Rabbinical candidate dropped out of Yeshiva and disappeared, because he didn’t want The Messianic Meow to satirize him,” explained Rabbi Dan Juster, who hasn’t even been part of the UMJC for years. “Ordaining women is not Biblical or right, but still somehow seems better than the alternative of finding a male candidate from the MJAA. There are three UMJC congregations that have been searching for a Rabbi for years, to no avail. We can’t just leave them without a leader. It’s time to do something drastic.”
Congregational Elder of B’nai Maccabim near Chicago, Brian Glauberg, added, “We’ve been without a Rabbi for three years now and we are excited about the prospect of having the first female Rabbi in UMJC history lead our congregation. I knew, last year, when a female Executive Director was appointed that it was just a matter of time before a female Rabbi would follow. I, for one, am grateful that we will get to be part of making history. Messianic Judaism is finally headed in the right direction of treating men and women equally.”
The UMJC has yet to announce the names of the first female Rabbinical candidates, but they will be enrolling in the various UMJC affiliated Messianic Yeshivas in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled for the new leaders, coming soon to a UMJC congregation near you.
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Prime Rabbinical Candidate Drops Out of Messianic Yeshiva Over Fear of Being “Meowed”
Murca — Disturbing news this week as the UMJC’s first round draft pick, Adam Goldensilver, has left the online Rabbinical program at the Messianic Jewish Theological Institute. The news comes as an incredible shock, as Goldensilver was just three credit hours shy of completing the program, which would give him the requirements needed to be eligible to be ordained as a UMJC Rabbi. Sadly, nothing in this life is certain, and coming this far in the program, is clearly not enough to keep the commitment to being a Rabbi.
“When I first entered the Rabbinical program, there was no organized humor in Messianic Judaism,” Adam Goldensilver wrote, in a heartfelt apology letter, to the UMJC. “This thing [The Messianic Meow] came out of nowhere. They are writing about everyone and everything Messianic. They really are leaving no stone unturned. I am a human being and I take myself very seriously. I do not want to be satirized. I did not sign up for this; I signed up to serve in a humorless Messianic Judaism. It’s changing before my eyes and I just can’t. I can’t. I’m so very sorry, but I can’t do this.”
We’ve also received word that Goldensilver appears to have fled the country and left no trace behind. We wish Adam luck and hope that wherever he winds up, he finds a sense of humor.
Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow
UMJC 20s Committee Pleased to Announce Zero Attendees Attacked by Wild Animals During 2017 Kabbetz Conference
Efland, NC – Previously known as Kabbetz HaEsrim (Enter the 20s) and held inside nice air conditioned hotels, the UMJC 20s conference has more recently morphed into something else: a conference held in the middle of the woods, and one that is welcoming to those upwards of age 35. Despite catering to Jews, holding conferences in the opposite of civilization, somehow seemed like a good idea. That is, until an attendee was bitten three times by a poisonous snake at the 2015 retreat. Nevertheless, the UMJC 20s committee decided to press on and continue holding their annual event in rustic retreat centers and risk everyone’s lives, due to saving money.
“We are so grateful to HaShem that nobody was attacked by wild animals at this year’s Kabbetz,” said UMJC 20s Committee member, Meggie Martins. “Though we slept outside, on the ground, surrounded by snakes, ticks, black widows, and who knows what else, everyone was somehow safe. We did have a college freshman that was nearly eaten by a bear, but our fearless leader, Daniel, was able to fend him off, using only a paper clip and Instagram.” UMJC 20s Committee Chair, Tonia Kerner, added, “I think it’s way cool that nobody was injured in our attempt to save everyone money. The closest we got to any casualties were a few meat eaters upset by the vegan meals we served.”
The UMJC 20s Committee says it plans to continue the tradition of getting back to nature during upcoming Kabbetz conferences, that will likely eventually be extended to age 45, in order to compete with the YMJA, who recently made a similar decision.
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Photo by Jacqueline Ramirez/ Jacqueline Danielle Photography
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