Alternative Uses of Tallises for the Disrespectful

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

 

Are you tired of wearing your tallit as a prayer shawl? Feel like you spent too much money on something that has only one use? Not to worry! We, at The Messianic Meow, have compiled a list of ways to disrespectfully get multiple uses out of your favorite holy garment! Mix and match as you please!

 

•Use it as a tablecloth

•Wear it as a scarf

•Use it as swaddling clothes for your newborn

•Wave it like a flag during worship

•Wear it as a turban

•Use it as a sarong at the beach

•Use it as a dish towel

•Use it as a blindfold during games at your child’s birthday party

•Cut into pieces to be used as napkins and placemats at fancy dinner parties

•Hang the fringes in your doorway for people to walk through

•Use it as a smock when you paint (bonus tip: you can paint the tallit itself to make it more decorative!)

•Use it as a bathmat

•Replace your sheets with it

•Use it to cover your couch to keep pet hair from getting all over it

•Cooking pasta sauce? Use it as an apron to prevent your clothes from getting stained!

•Use it to fan out the flames on your Havdalah candle when you run out of grape juice

•Have a side gig as a matador? Use it to taunt the bulls!

•Use it as a tourniquet to prevent someone from bleeding out

•Two words: cloth diaper

•Use it to replace the torn sails on your boat

•Use it in lieu of curtains in your living room, then later take them down to be made into play clothes for your children to frolic in the Austrian countryside

 

 

And don’t worry if you’ve actually done any of these things; Yom Kippur will be here before you know it!

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Admits to Being Jewish

F:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox24433#CBSRudolph_178_2006.jpg

North Pole — Unexpected news out of Santa’s Village this week, as his odd-man-out reindeer, Rudolph, announced he is actually Jewish. Despite working for the King of the Gentiles, our beloved red-nosed friend revealed he is actually a member of the tribe. While this comes as a surprise for most, we really should have known all along.

“I didn’t think it was a secret,” Rudolph said in a recent press conference.” The other reindeer were always making fun of my nose, and my last name’s Rudolph, for gosh sakes. Wait, wait…you didn’t actually think the reindeer went by our FIRST names, did you? You actually thought someone would name their child Blizten or Dasher??? We weren’t born in 2018 where the millennials name their kids Abcde. No, my name is Jacob Rudolph. Yeah…see, now it’s not really a shock anymore, is it?”

Some may wonder why Jews would move to the North Pole when they would be in the minority there. Rudolph said his Father was hired by Santa to be his personal combined Lawyer, Accountant, and Doctor when Rudolph was a child; an offer his Father could not refuse. The salary was guaranteed to put food on the table and keep Rudolph’s nose lit for his entire life. Yes, it was tough for the Rudolphs to be the only Jewish family around, but it was worth it just for the endless supply of milk and cookies the family would receive as a thank you from Mr. Claus himself. 

Rudolph said his family was even able to introduce Jewish culture to the Claus family, and Santa enjoyed celebrating Shabbat, and all the other holidays that involve food. Rudolph’s Father also gave Santa some Yiddish lessons. Rudolph said one of his favorite childhood memories was his Father explaining the word “Nudnik” to Claus by telling him not to be a ‘Naked Santa Claus’…a ‘Nude Nick,’ as in St. Nick.

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Woman Who Used Air Fryer to Make Latkes For Her Friends Says True Miracle of Chanukah is Eating Healthy

tinman1

Louisville, KY — 26 year old Morgan Stern of Louisville, KY had a Chanukah party for her friends this past weekend, to celebrate the sixth night of the holiday. Unlike most Chanukah festivities, this one was missing one key ingredient: oil and lots of it.

“It’s so hard to eat healthy during Chanukah,” Stern commented. “Everyone is obsessed with frying things in oil. I don’t really get it. We need to start living a healthier lifestyle, which is why I choose to follow the Whole 30 diet. The least I can do for my friends is help them eat well, even if it’s just for one meal. It’s really a Chanukah miracle that we’re all able to partake in our traditional food without all the extra fat and calories. Isn’t being happy and healthy what Chanukah is all about anyway?”

Sadly Ms. Stern has since been barred from hosting any subsequent Chanukah functions, due to her complete refusal to understand the whole point of what the oil stands for. Remember, kids, you can’t commemorate the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting for eight days without oil. So fry your latkes and your sufganyot and your cheese curds and your jalapeño poppers and your fried chicken in as much oil as you possibly can, and save your Whole 30 for Passover. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

NeshamaFlyer

FREE High Holiday Services!

free-high-holiday-services

 

The High Holidays are just around the corner now! Remember, no Messianic congregation will ever charge you for admission or tickets to attend a High holiday service. If you need or want help finding a local Messianic congregation, please visit www.messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/ or contact us directly; we are happy to help!

MJAA Announces New Post-Conference Registration For Messiah 2018

MessiahConf2018

Messiah 2018 may be over, but that no longer means that those who couldn’t make it out have missed their chance to be a part of the MJAA’s biggest conference of the year. In a surprise announcement on the final night of the Conference, the MJAA revealed that they would be unveiling a brand new post-conference registration program for everyone who regrets not being able to attend. “We’re very excited to present this wonderful new registration option,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “We realize that coming to this conference can be a large financial burden, particularly for those coming from a long distance. Our new post-registration option provides a way for these people to enjoy a taste of the Conference experience without the costly endeavor of actually coming to Conference.”

Since post-Conference registrants will not actually be coming out to Grantham, PA, they will instead be shipped a variety of items specifically selected to replicate the Messiah Conference experience. Everyone who registers will receive the Conference schedule, an expired meal card with 5 unused meals on it, and a name badge with the time of the Shabbat dinner they would have liked to attend printed on it. They will also receive a link to an online marketplace filled with Messianic literature and music, a bafflingly large array of tie-dyed shirts, and lots of overpriced Israeli knick-knacks. Rounding out the package will be DVDs of all evening services and up to 3 classes of their choice, plus an exclusive free bonus DVD/CD set featuring over 2 hours of fundraising videos and 45 minutes of unintelligible dining room announcements. In addition, certain registrants will also be sent bonus items based on their personal details.

“Obviously, if you post-register for the YMJA you’ll receive a copy of their schedule and a link to a streaming copy of the YMJA rules video, plus the t-shirt if you pay the extra fee for it,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, at a question and answer session following the announcement. “Same goes for any additional programs you register for, be it kids’ program, Yeshiva, whatever. Any free physical items you’d get if you came here, we’ll mail them to you. That should pretty much go without saying. But much more exciting are some of the specialty bonus items available exclusively to those who post-register. For example, everyone who registers as single will receive a custom-made, handwritten list of potential spouses compiled by one of our on-staff yentas. And for young couples registering without children, we’ll include a free CD of people asking when they’re going to have kids.

The post-Conference registration program opened on Monday, July 9 and will run through the end of August.  And while nobody has signed up as of press time, the MJAA is confident that it will prove to be a popular option. “It really is the most economic choice,” said Liberman. “We’ve really pulled out all the stops to provide the fullest Conference experience possible, minus the Conference itself. I know it’s a cliché, but it really is true: it’s the next best thing to being here.”

 

 

 

Donate to Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow