Category Archives: Food

Man Repents in Front of Congregation After Murdering Plate of Pasta

Posted on by

Lake of the Ozarks, MO – Shocking news out of Holy Redeemer Church of the Uncrossed Arms in Osage Beach this week, after an altar call prompted a man to publicly confess to murdering his dinner the previous night. When asked if there was anyone present who felt they needed to repent for sinning, congregant, Derek Larter, broke down in tears and and asked to share a confession with his church family.

“It is with a heavy heart, I must admit to everyone that I committed murder last night,” Larter shared with his congregation, via the church’s livestream. “My wife made the most amazing looking spaghetti that I have ever laid eyes on in my life…and I absolutely KILLED that plate of food. And then I did it again. And then once more. I don’t know what came over me. I was completely out of control. Things got out of hand. I allowed sin to take me over, and I am truly sorry…to my wife, to our kids, and to anyone else I may have hurt. I am ashamed of my actions, and I ask forgiveness for my atrocious behavior. I’m grateful Jesus died on the cross for a sinner like me, and I promise I will do everything in my power to seek help and make sure this never happens again. Also, if you ever get a chance to try my wife’s cooking, you should absolutely do it!”

The Elders of Larter’s church have suspended him from the audio visual team for one year, and are requiring him to seek counseling with the Senior Pastor. We will post more on this story as it develops.

.

.

.

Click here to support The Meow

Jewish Person Shocked by Gentile Friend’s Lack of Kleenex Box in Every Room of the House

Posted on by

Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.

“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”

Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.

.

.

.

Click here to support The Meow

Church Men’s Group Excited for Monthly Outing at Satan’s Canyon

Posted on by

Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.

“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”

If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224

.

.

.

Please click here to support The Meow.

Church Homeschool Co-op Becomes Super Fun and Educational Sweatshop One Afternoon Per Week

Posted on by

Kearney, NE — The homeschool co-op at the First Redeemer Five Square Church in Kearney, NE has come up with a more cost effective way to get urgent projects completed, by making use of skills taught to its young students. While the lack of pay technically makes this a sweatshop, the church seems to be okay with that.

“Our co-op meets one day a week,” Homeschool Mom and Pastor’s Wife, Christie-Rae Carlson, stated on an online Homeschool support forum. “We spend the morning teaching trade skills to the kids, and in the afternoon they complete projects around the church. One week they learned carpentry, and then they made some new pews for our sanctuary expansion. We taught them to sew, and now our pastors don’t have to take their clothes to the tailor anymore! They’ve learned gardening, how to clean the entire building, barista skills for our coffee shop, we’ve got a farm on the property, and they learned how to butcher a cow so they can run our upcoming church butcher shop. We learned about plumbing the week the toilets all got clogged. And next week we are going to figure out which kids enjoy thrill seeking, and have them fix the leak in our roof. We’re saving so much money on labor, because we pay the kids in education…and fun! At least that’s what we’re telling them 😉. It’s also great experience for the kids. By the time they graduate middle school, they’ll be ready to start their own contracting business!”

Child labor laws don’t apply at this homeschool. If you’d like to hire any of the children to complete work around your home, you can contact the church at (308) 55-JESUS

.

.

.

Click here to support The Meow

Man Jailed After Simultaneously Topping Latke With Both Applesauce and Sour Cream

Posted on by

Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.

“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”

Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.

.

.

.

Click here to partner with The Meow

Man Attending Virtual Seder Spends 45 Minutes Locating Missing Afikomen

Posted on by

Screen Shot 2020-04-10 at 10.47.39 AM

Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.

“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.  I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”

The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”

Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”

However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”

 

Want The Meow to be able to continue running? Click here to support us!

Progressive Rabbi Volunteers Synagogue Building as Newest Site for Amazon Locker

Posted on by

apps.32851.9007199266244431.b4d3435e-46b8-4529-bf79-626971898f79.8dd824f2-3db6-4a3c-8d00-332134f1a44b

Pensacola, FL — Since 2011, internet retailer, Amazon, has been offering off site lockers in select locations. The lockers provide an alternative to having packages delivered to your home. As package theft becomes more and more prevalent, the need for these lockers is becoming greater. While Amazon lockers are typically found in retail locations, one Rabbi in Pensacola is providing space for them in his Synagogue.

“Well, we had some empty space available in our building that wasn’t being used for anything,” Rabbi Eric Tokajer, of Brit Ahm Messianic Synagogue, explained to the Messianic Daily News. “I’m always looking for new ideas for our congregation that will catapult us into the next decade, like a men’s conference, an inter-congregational cruise, and a coffee shop called ‘Java Nagila’ that we run once a month. Having Amazon Locker in our space is a great way to get people in the door that wouldn’t otherwise be setting foot in our building. We have so many events going on during the week, it’s likely they’ll walk in to pick up their package while a Bible study, dance class, or Shabbat service is happening. The hope is that they’ll either stay for the event, or come back for a later one. It’s even better if they select our congregation on Amazon Smile; not only are their packages giving back to us financially, but we wind up with more members, because they walked in and stayed for Shabbat, when they wouldn’t normally have been here otherwise. I know it’s a real forward thinking idea. I like to consider myself pretty progressive, which is why we own our Synagogue building, instead of renting it.”

After hearing about Brit Ahm’s new idea to acquire more members from the general population, it is expected that Messianic Congregations across the county will follow suit in hosting Amazon Lockers. At press time, Brit Ahm estimates they have five new congregants from this experiment; one of which Jewish.

 

 

Help keep The Meow running by donating to support us.

Woman With Synesthesia Can Actually Taste That The Lord is Good

Posted on by

woman-200934_960_720

Temecula, CA — Psalms 34:8 in the English Bible translations and Psalms 34:9 in the TLV and CJB says, “Taste and see that The Lord is good; oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him!” While this is meant to be a metaphor, for one woman Temecula, it’s literal. 39 year old, Ellen Glickman, of Kehilat Mashiach has been dealing with Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia her entire life, in which different words are associated with certain tastes. Ellen says living with Synesthesia can be both a blessing and a curse.

“I once met a man on OkCupid and I had to cancel our first date, because his name tasted like cilantro,” Glickman explained to The Meow. “The upside to my Synesthesia, and a big part of the reason why I became a believer in the first place, is that all the names of The Lord taste like various flavors of ice cream to me. The deeper I get into worship, the more kinds of ice cream I experience. Who wouldn’t want to continually taste ice cream? I definitely do. I can personally vouch that The Lord tastes good. Sometimes He tastes like chocolate and sometimes He tastes like cookies and cream. Whether it’s ‘Lord,’ ‘Adonai,’ ‘God,’ or ‘HaShem,’ I really can’t go wrong. And on the days when I’m craving mint chocolate chip, He’s ‘El Shaddai’ to me. It’s so great to be able to praise The Lord and feel like I’m having my favorite dessert at the same time! I just wish everything tasted as good as The Lord does.”

For the rest of us that do not possess Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia, we’ll just have to come up with other ways to continue striving to taste that The Lord is good. Until then, perhaps we can try eating something sweet while we worship. You can read more about Synesthesia here.

 

 

Keep The Meow running by donating to support us.

New Synagogue’s Members All Weirdly Dogmatic About What Kind of Apples to Dip in Honey

Posted on by

apple-2462753_960_720

Rosh Hashanah may have come to a close, but Rabbi Joseph Weiner of Congregation Beth Messiah in Butte, MT will likely be dealing with the aftermath of the holiday well into the new year. Following the newly founded Messianic synagogue’s very first High Holy Day service, Rabbi Weiner’s office voicemail has been flooded with messages, all bearing a similar, and rather fruity, complaint.

“I thought our first High Holy Days would bring us closer together as a congregation,” says Rabbi Weiner. “Instead I’ve got dozens of complaints on my machine, and more coming in every hour. All I did was pick my favorite type of apple to dip in honey at the service. I’ve always loved Granny Smith apples, and I appreciate the way the tartness of the apple mixes with the sweetness of the honey. I never would have thought something like that could offend so many people.”

Listening to the voicemails, it’s hard not to be caught off guard by the vehemence of some of the complaints. “How dare you use Granny Smiths on Rosh Hashanah!” shouts one particularly upset woman, who sounds as if she was close to tears while leaving the message. “Dipping an apple with a gentile name like that is a slap in the face to our heritage. Unless you issue an apology and swear to use proper, Jewish apples like the Jonathan from now on, I don’t know that I can bring myself to come out again.”

According to the Rabbi, the suggestions of what apples to use in the future are the worst part. “Most of the calls include ideas for more ‘appropriate’ apples, and about half of the people seem to believe that their favorite varietal is the only ‘proper’ one to use. But there are dozens of types mentioned, and some of the opinions are directly contradictory. One person called the Red Delicious ‘God’s chosen apple,’ while another ruled out any red cultivars because ‘the apple Adam and Eve ate was red.’ Obviously that’s wrong on a whole host of levels, but is it really that much more wrong than any of these other ridiculous stances? And that’s not even factoring in the rare types [of apples]. One gentleman insisted that we should only use Northern Spy apples. I had to look that one up, and it turns out they grow mainly in upstate New York. How am I supposed to get those in Montana?”

Nevertheless, the Rabbi has hopes that the rest of the High Holy Days will be a success. “I’m telling you one thing, though,” he adds. “I’m placing a ban on all mentions of food during Yom Kippur prayers. We need a time of somber repentance and reflection, not a bunch of prayers for me to be forgiven for my ‘sinful’ choice of apples. And I’ve learned from my mistake; next year, our Rosh Hashanah service will be strictly B.Y.O.A.”

At press time, the Rabbi had just received a call also complaining about the type of honey used.

 

 

Love The Meow? Click here to partner with us!