Messianic Congregations Across United States Move to New ‘Abuseless Shabbat’ Format Amid COVID-19 Outbreak

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Murca — With a global pandemic at hand and the world rapidly changing, Messianic Congregations across the United States are being forced to re-format their weekly activities. Just as many corporations have moved their work online, Messianic Congregations are following suit. Synagogues are rushing to begin live-streaming their services, so as not to lose the attention of their attendees, while they are forced to close their physical locations for the unforeseeable future. Live-streaming services will allow Rabbis to continue giving their sermons, as well as collect online tithes. However, not meeting in person does present some challenges, including having to loosen their reigns on ensuring congregants stick by their side during this time of uncertainty.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself on Shabbat right now,” said Missy W., a member of a nameless Messianic Congregation, located somewhere in the United States. “I can live-stream my Rabbi’s sermon while I’m still in bed. I don’t even have to get up. So that’s like 45 minutes of my life. I don’t even have to get dressed to attend services right now. On a normal week, as a member, I’m required to be at my Synagogue for 10 hours every Saturday. I have to be at my Rabbi’s every beck and call. Sometimes I lead worship, sometimes I am in the nursery, sometimes I am running the soundboard, sometimes I am just a gopher for leadership. If I even try to miss a week of services, they pretty much put out an Amber Alert for me. One week I had a 103º fever and I had five people tell me if I didn’t show up in the next 20 minutes they would have a Sheriff’s Deputy come to my house and escort me there. My Rabbi is a really gifted speaker, but I can do without the rest of his controlling behavior. Our congregation has been closed for two weeks already, and I feel so free right now. I feel like I can breathe. For the first time, in eight years, I can finally just rest and not have to worry about what will happen to me if I just take the day to myself. This new arrangement, where our congregation is 100% virtual, allows me to filter out the bad and only deal with the good. And I am kind of enjoying not dealing with the bad. I’m seriously considering not even returning to my congregation when they re-open in a couple of months. And I actually feel okay with that. Is it okay to do this for myself? I don’t even know if that’s okay. It’s okay, right? Please tell me it’s okay.”

More than 70 Messianic Congregations across the United States and Canada have moved their Shabbat services online, during this time of social distancing. If you would like to attend a virtual Shabbat service, please visit this page for a list of options: https://messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/

Woman With Synesthesia Can Actually Taste That The Lord is Good

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Temecula, CA — Psalms 34:8 in the English Bible translations and Psalms 34:9 in the TLV and CJB says, “Taste and see that The Lord is good; oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him!” While this is meant to be a metaphor, for one woman Temecula, it’s literal. 39 year old, Ellen Glickman, of Kehilat Mashiach has been dealing with Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia her entire life, in which different words are associated with certain tastes. Ellen says living with Synesthesia can be both a blessing and a curse.

“I once met a man on OkCupid and I had to cancel our first date, because his name tasted like cilantro,” Glickman explained to The Meow. “The upside to my Synesthesia, and a big part of the reason why I became a believer in the first place, is that all the names of The Lord taste like various flavors of ice cream to me. The deeper I get into worship, the more kinds of ice cream I experience. Who wouldn’t want to continually taste ice cream? I definitely do. I can personally vouch that The Lord tastes good. Sometimes He tastes like chocolate and sometimes He tastes like cookies and cream. Whether it’s ‘Lord,’ ‘Adonai,’ ‘God,’ or ‘HaShem,’ I really can’t go wrong. And on the days when I’m craving mint chocolate chip, He’s ‘El Shaddai’ to me. It’s so great to be able to praise The Lord and feel like I’m having my favorite dessert at the same time! I just wish everything tasted as good as The Lord does.”

For the rest of us that do not possess Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia, we’ll just have to come up with other ways to continue striving to taste that The Lord is good. Until then, perhaps we can try eating something sweet while we worship. You can read more about Synesthesia here.

 

 

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Words that Rhyme with “Elul” For Your Song Writing Pleasure

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With the month of Elul more than half way through, we think it’s time to start a new tradition of writing songs dedicated to the Hebrew month of preparation for the upcoming High Holidays. Below we have provided a list of words that rhyme with Elul, to help you get started on your new song! We recommend choosing 3-4 words and writing around them. We have taken the liberty to bold the words we will be using in our own song, so you can see where we’re going with ours, and hope it will inspire you in yours. Please feel free to share your songs with us 🙂

 

 

Cool

Cruel

Drool

Duel

Fongool

Fool

Fuel

Ghoul

Grool

Gruel

Huel

Jeff Gillool-y

Jewel

Joule

Jule

Juul

Minuscule

Mule

Patchoul-i

Pool

Rule

School

Shul

Stool

Svengool-ie

Tool

Tulle

Yule

Zul

 

 

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Alternative Uses of Tallises for the Disrespectful

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Are you tired of wearing your tallit as a prayer shawl? Feel like you spent too much money on something that has only one use? Not to worry! We, at The Messianic Meow, have compiled a list of ways to disrespectfully get multiple uses out of your favorite holy garment! Mix and match as you please!

 

•Use it as a tablecloth

•Wear it as a scarf

•Use it as swaddling clothes for your newborn

•Wave it like a flag during worship

•Wear it as a turban

•Use it as a sarong at the beach

•Use it as a dish towel

•Use it as a blindfold during games at your child’s birthday party

•Cut into pieces to be used as napkins and placemats at fancy dinner parties

•Hang the fringes in your doorway for people to walk through

•Use it as a smock when you paint (bonus tip: you can paint the tallit itself to make it more decorative!)

•Use it as a bathmat

•Replace your sheets with it

•Use it to cover your couch to keep pet hair from getting all over it

•Cooking pasta sauce? Use it as an apron to prevent your clothes from getting stained!

•Use it to fan out the flames on your Havdalah candle when you run out of grape juice

•Have a side gig as a matador? Use it to taunt the bulls!

•Use it as a tourniquet to prevent someone from bleeding out

•Two words: cloth diaper

•Use it to replace the torn sails on your boat

•Use it in lieu of curtains in your living room, then later take them down to be made into play clothes for your children to frolic in the Austrian countryside

 

 

And don’t worry if you’ve actually done any of these things; Yom Kippur will be here before you know it!

 

 

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Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

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FREE High Holiday Services!

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The High Holidays are just around the corner now! Remember, no Messianic congregation will ever charge you for admission or tickets to attend a High holiday service. If you need or want help finding a local Messianic congregation, please visit www.messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/ or contact us directly; we are happy to help!

Messiah Conference Livestream Schedule

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Can’t make it to the world’s largest Messianic conference this week? No worries, all EIGHT of the main sessions (seven evening sessions, plus the Shacharit Shabbat service) will be livestreamed for FREE on www.mjaa.org and then archived on the web site for three months afterwards.

Here’s the schedule:
•Sunday, July 1st at 7:00pm ET
Music: Paul Wilbur and Beckah Shae
Speakers: Jeff Adler, Janet Forman, Larry Feldman

•Monday, July 2nd at 7:00pm ET
Music: The Isaacs
Speakers: Steven Shreyberg, Joey Stepakoff, Lou Engle

•Tuesday, July 3rd at 7:00pm ET
ISRAEL NIGHT
Music: MIQEDEM, Sarah Liberman, Shani Ferguson, Elihana Elia
Speaker: Eli Nacht

•Wednesday, July 4th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Marty Goetz and Misha Goetz Music
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Frank Lowinger, Susan Perlman, David Chernoff

•Thursday, July 5th at 7:00pm ET
YMJA NIGHT
Music: Zik Worship
Speakers: Michael Vowell, Devorah Mizrachi Boaz, Jason Sobel

•Friday, July 6th at 7:00pm ET
Music: MIQEDEM, The Klezmeranians, Baht Rivka Whitten
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Ezra Watnik, Michael Wolf, Jeffrey Forman

Saturday, July 7th at 10:00am ET
TORAH SERVICE
Liturgy by Marty Goetz
Speakers: David Hess, David Levine, Michael Stepakoff

Saturday, July 7th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Shae Wilbur, Elihana Elia, Nate Benjamin, Lamb Joel Chernoff Messianic Jewish Music
Speakers: Joel Liberman, Jonathan Cahn

 

Conference presented by Messianic Jewish Alliance of America (MJAA)

The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!

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With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.

Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.

 

How to play:

 

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”

•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage

•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair

•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you

•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:

    -One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take

an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from

The Falcon

    -Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes

    -You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be

included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario

•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class

•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together

•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it

•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens

•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf

•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi

•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference

•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit

•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting

•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced

•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance

•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English

•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult

•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band

•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”

•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry

•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible

•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story

•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done

•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year

 

 

 

Our favorite mocktail recipes:

 

Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary

1 glass of tomato juice

1 stalk of celery

Ice (optional)

 

Virgin Mojitoseph Project

1 oz fresh lime juice

2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar

1 cup crushed ice

12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs

1 oz club soda

1 old lamb

 

Virgin White Russian Jew

1/2 cup heavy cream

1 oz cold brew coffee

1 jar of gefilte fish

Ice

 

Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach

1 oz peach juice

3 oz orange juice

3 oz cranberry juice

1 One piece bathing suit

 

The YMJA

Hummus

Chocolate milk

Fruit roll ups

Doritos

The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union

Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye

 

 

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