Category Archives: Music

Messianic Couple Swears Their House Sold Faster After Burying Upside Down Statue of Joel Chernoff in Their Backyard

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Walla Walla, WA — Astonishing news out of Walla Walla this week, after local Messianic couple, Frank and Janice Walkervicz, claim their house sold immediately after burying an upside down statue of famed Messianic musician, Joel Chernoff, in their backyard. The pair had been trying to relocate to Florida, but their house was not selling. After more than seven months on the market, the two finally reached a point of desperation.

“We’ve all heard the bubbemeis about how if you bury an upside down statue of Joel Chernoff in your backyard, your house would sell faster,” Frank Walkervicz explained to News Channel 9. “We’d tried everything up to this point: praying in English, praying in tongues, deliverance, tithing extra, and nothing was working. We’re just ready to get out of this state and retire to Florida, and Janice and I were just tired of waiting, so we thought, ‘what the heck?’ ya know? We had this old Joel Chernoff bobble head laying around that was given to us for being one of the first 100 people in the door at Messiah Conference one year, so we figured we’d give it a go. We buried it upside down in the backyard, as the legend foretold, and sure enough, our house sold just two hours later. Two hours! We couldn’t believe it! We can’t recommend this trick enough, if you want to sell your house. Goodbye, Walla Walla; hello, Sunshine State!”

While the aforementioned collector’s edition Joel Chernoff bobble head dolls are now out of print, we were able to locate some on Ebay, going for as much as $100,000 each. We hope the MJAA will begin offering them again someday, so all Messianics around the globe can partake in selling their homes in a more timely manner.

 

 

 

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Words that Rhyme with “Elul” For Your Song Writing Pleasure

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With the month of Elul more than half way through, we think it’s time to start a new tradition of writing songs dedicated to the Hebrew month of preparation for the upcoming High Holidays. Below we have provided a list of words that rhyme with Elul, to help you get started on your new song! We recommend choosing 3-4 words and writing around them. We have taken the liberty to bold the words we will be using in our own song, so you can see where we’re going with ours, and hope it will inspire you in yours. Please feel free to share your songs with us 🙂

 

 

Cool

Cruel

Drool

Duel

Fongool

Fool

Fuel

Ghoul

Grool

Gruel

Huel

Jeff Gillool-y

Jewel

Joule

Jule

Juul

Minuscule

Mule

Patchoul-i

Pool

Rule

School

Shul

Stool

Svengool-ie

Tool

Tulle

Yule

Zul

 

 

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Auditions for Yeshua HaMashiach Superstar to Take Place at Messiah Conference Next Month

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Grantham, PA — Groundbreaking news from the MJAA this week, as Messiah Conference is planning to produce its first ever full length musical at the 2020 Conference, with auditions taking place next month. The show will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar,” with the title and lyrics being changed to fall in line with Messianic Culture. Host of popular Messianic radio show, “Bagels and Blessings,” Ethel Chadwick, will direct the historic event.

“I am so excited to make history with Messiah Conference’s first ever Broadway musical performance next year!!!” Chadwick announced on Facebook. “I do have to let everyone know that a few of the roles have already been filled: Rebecca Rudolf will be playing the part of Miriam Magdalene. Joel Chernoff insisted that he play Yeshua, or else we will have to cancel the entire thing, saying the fact that his initials are ‘JC’ is a sign! As well, Pontius Pilate will be played by Marc Vidito. All other roles are wide open and I encourage anyone with a love of theatre to audition! It’s going to be great!”

Auditions will be held at Messiah Conference on Wednesday, July 3rd at 9am in the High Center – Parmer Hall, with rehearsals taking place over video chat, throughout the year. Please prepare 16 bars of your favorite Lamb song, and come dressed to learn a light dance combo. 

If this production goes well, plans are in place to host future productions of Godspell and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joel Chernoff has also been cast in the respective leads of those productions.

 

 

 

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Messiah Conference 2019 Livestream to Move to Five Second Delay After Guest Speaker Drops Four Letter Word on Stage

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Grantham, PA  — Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.

“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”

While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.

 

 

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Messiah Conference Livestream Schedule

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Can’t make it to the world’s largest Messianic conference this week? No worries, all EIGHT of the main sessions (seven evening sessions, plus the Shacharit Shabbat service) will be livestreamed for FREE on www.mjaa.org and then archived on the web site for three months afterwards.

Here’s the schedule:
•Sunday, July 1st at 7:00pm ET
Music: Paul Wilbur and Beckah Shae
Speakers: Jeff Adler, Janet Forman, Larry Feldman

•Monday, July 2nd at 7:00pm ET
Music: The Isaacs
Speakers: Steven Shreyberg, Joey Stepakoff, Lou Engle

•Tuesday, July 3rd at 7:00pm ET
ISRAEL NIGHT
Music: MIQEDEM, Sarah Liberman, Shani Ferguson, Elihana Elia
Speaker: Eli Nacht

•Wednesday, July 4th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Marty Goetz and Misha Goetz Music
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Frank Lowinger, Susan Perlman, David Chernoff

•Thursday, July 5th at 7:00pm ET
YMJA NIGHT
Music: Zik Worship
Speakers: Michael Vowell, Devorah Mizrachi Boaz, Jason Sobel

•Friday, July 6th at 7:00pm ET
Music: MIQEDEM, The Klezmeranians, Baht Rivka Whitten
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Ezra Watnik, Michael Wolf, Jeffrey Forman

Saturday, July 7th at 10:00am ET
TORAH SERVICE
Liturgy by Marty Goetz
Speakers: David Hess, David Levine, Michael Stepakoff

Saturday, July 7th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Shae Wilbur, Elihana Elia, Nate Benjamin, Lamb Joel Chernoff Messianic Jewish Music
Speakers: Joel Liberman, Jonathan Cahn

 

Conference presented by Messianic Jewish Alliance of America (MJAA)

The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!

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With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.

Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.

 

How to play:

 

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”

•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage

•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair

•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you

•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:

    -One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take

an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from

The Falcon

    -Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes

    -You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be

included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario

•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class

•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together

•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it

•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens

•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf

•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi

•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference

•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit

•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting

•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced

•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance

•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English

•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult

•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band

•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”

•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry

•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible

•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story

•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done

•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year

 

 

 

Our favorite mocktail recipes:

 

Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary

1 glass of tomato juice

1 stalk of celery

Ice (optional)

 

Virgin Mojitoseph Project

1 oz fresh lime juice

2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar

1 cup crushed ice

12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs

1 oz club soda

1 old lamb

 

Virgin White Russian Jew

1/2 cup heavy cream

1 oz cold brew coffee

1 jar of gefilte fish

Ice

 

Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach

1 oz peach juice

3 oz orange juice

3 oz cranberry juice

1 One piece bathing suit

 

The YMJA

Hummus

Chocolate milk

Fruit roll ups

Doritos

The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union

Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye

 

 

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Guest Post by Caitlyn and Jonathan Salkind | Worship Glue: A New Workshop for Messianic Worship Coordinators

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PHILADELPHIA, PA — The MJAA is pleased to announce the launch of a new long-distance tele-workshop for up-and-coming Messianic worship coordinators. Run by a team of current and former YMJA worship coordinators, including Jonathan Salkind, Michael and Nicci Katz, Mykie Collins, and others, the workshop will cover the skills needed to hold a band together and make the worship sound awesome.

“This workshop isn’t really for worship leaders,” explained Mykie Collins, “Though of course, worship leaders are welcome. Leading worship is about choosing songs, casting vision, connecting with the congregation, and being the lead singer. Worship coordination is about providing musical structure and communicating among the musicians, and it’s really a different skill set. Guitarists and bassists make excellent coordinators, or pianists if they aren’t leading. Drummers mostly spend their time pounding rocks together, so they might be less of a good fit. And backup singers just live in their own world.”

Jonathan Salkind agreed. “Most of the worship coordinator’s job is to translate the worship leader’s vision into something that can actually be played. Worship leaders know what they want but have no idea what they’re doing. Every weekend, I walk in, set up my bass, and get told, ‘I want this song to sound exactly like Shane and Shane.’ And then I’m the one who has to translate that into something workable. We don’t have a cello, people! Anyway, the worship coordinator is the one to work out what the chord progression actually is, how to make the dynamic transitions flow smoothly, and how to play a reggae version of ‘Shabbat Shalom’ because that’s apparently where modern Messianic music is heading.”

“And don’t get me started on the Rabbi’s requests,” Salkind added. “If the Rabbi calls the band up and asks for ‘that song I like,’ the worship coordinator had better be ready to launch into ‘Every Praise’ with no chord chart. That’s my job.”

“I was in a rehearsal once for a YMJA morning worship time,” recalled Nicci Katz, “And I had chosen a great set list, but the chord charts weren’t in the key I wanted to sing for any of the songs. I can just clip a capo to my guitar, and I remember the keyboard had a transpose wheel, but the bassist and the saxophone player were totally lost. If my worship coordinator hadn’t stepped in, the whole set would have been ruined.”

The workshop will cover musical arrangement, volume dynamics, transposing songs on the fly, keeping the drummer from speeding up, keeping the drummer from slowing down, and keeping the drummer from adding too many splashy fills. It will also address some of the essentials of tech setup and mixing. “Knowing how to run a sound board is really important,” Collins explained. “I found this out the hard way. If your tech person that day is a teenager who got volunteered because he’s good with computers but not so good with music, the coordinator needs to be able to jump in and explain how to make the sound actually sound like music.”

Messianic worship leaders all over the country have expressed their excitement about the new coordinators’ workshop. “I have a doctorate in music, so I can actually lead and coordinate at the same time,” said Dr. Greg Silverman, “But every other worship leader I’ve ever met is in desperate need of a good coordinator. Or a doctorate.”

When reached for comment, singer-songwriter, Joshua Aaron, appeared confused by the idea. “I play the uke,” he said, “And the whole band comes together. The Holy Spirit just flows, right?”

For Messianic worship leaders, the ARCH Training Summit and other already-established events provide excellent opportunities to grow in their skills and ministry. 

 

 

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Nate Benjamin Announces Sequel Album To Fix My Eyes Entitled ‘Fix My Nose’

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Philadelphia, PA – In a packed press conference early this morning, Nate Benjamin officially announced his highly anticipated second full-length album. In a surprising move, the new record will be a full-blown concept album entitled Fix My Nose, with the entire disc effectively serving as a sequel to “Fix My Eyes,” the classic title track of his debut.

“Contemplating the implications of fixing my eyes on Yeshua was such a rewarding experience when I was writing the first album,” explained Mr. Benjamin. “When it came time to start work on the follow-up, I realized that there was so much more to be said. It has such a tremendous impact on our lives when we strive to focus ourselves entirely on God, and the more I prayed about it, the more I began to realize that every part of that process can have its own implications. The scope of it is so vast that it would take dozens of albums to truly do it justice, but for the time being I’ve decided to focus on the face. Nose, ears, mouth, hair… each is more than enough to fill an album on its own, and that’s just what I plan to do. Hair may even get a double album.

“Don’t get me wrong, though, I plan on getting through the whole body, if that’s the calling The Lord has for my life. God willing, someday, I’ll be spending several days in fervent prayer, as God reveals to me all the blessings He has in store for those who fix their spleens on Him.”

Fan opinion seems to be mostly positive, though some have voiced concerns. “I’m just not sure there’s enough material there to support a whole album,” said skeptic, Rebekah Wedemeyer. “I mean, an EP, absolutely, but I’m worried that pushing for a full-length might be stretching it just a bit. I hope I’m wrong, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and find out.”

Thankfully, it seems that the wait won’t be too long. The first single, “Smell,” is scheduled to be released in late May, with the full album making its official debut at Messiah Conference 2018. While an official track listing has not yet been released, Nate has indicated that the new album will feature 10 songs, each named for a different aspect of fixing one’s nose on God. As for whether the album lives up to the high standard set by its predecessor, we’ll all have to wait and smell.

 

 

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FDA Retroactively Warns: Smoking Marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s May Cause You to Become Messianic Rabbi

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Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.

“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”

Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”

 

 

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