Trenton, NJ — A local woman was arrested, and sentenced to five years in prison last Fall, after being found to be creating and distributing black market access codes for the personality test, StrengthsFinder. Gallup, the company that publishes the assessment, pressed charges against 32 year old Shannon Lannon, upon discovering the fraudulent codes, and where they originated from. Unlike other popular personality tests, StrengthsFinder does require you to purchase a book with an access code in it, in order to take the test. According to the Gallup website, the book retails for $39.99, with a current sale price of $19.99.
“Look, I know what it’s like to struggle with money,” Lannon explained, in an exclusive phone interview. “$40, even $20…that’s gas money for some people. And then you only get your top 5 strengths from that. You have to pay even more if you want your full list of all 34 strengths! Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Love Language, DISC…none of them charge you money to get your results. And with StrengthsFinder, some companies hire based off of your results, and there are books out about how to use your Strengths in your marriage. I just think everyone should be able to access it. So I may have hacked into their system and generated my own codes that would be compatible with their website, and then I sold them for $5 a pop, because Mama has to eat too, ya know? I’m basically a modern day Robin Hood. Rob from the rich and give to the poor…if Robin Hood made a small profit off of what he was doing. But, listen, I shouldn’t be locked up for trying to help people. My only mistake was selling the codes on Fiverr, because that’s how they found me. But five years in the slammer is a little extreme, and I’m currently working with both my lawyer and my Strengths Coach on how to best use my strengths to negotiate my way outta here.”
Lannon hopes to be released from prison within the next few months, and says her top 5 strengths are Includer, Maximizer, Strategic, Empathy, and Achiever.
Lake Forest, CA — The Blue Letter Bible Project announced this week it will be adding over 100 new millennial slang words to Strong’s Concordance, in preparation of the upcoming Millennial Bible Translation (MBT), that is expected to be published and distributed sometime next year.
A partial list of the added vernacular was leaked on Reddit early this morning, and includes the following:
•Amazeballs
•Bootylicious
•Bromance
•Cray
•D’oh
•Instagram Husband
•Janky
•Legit
•Phat
•Totally Tubular
•Yeet
The millennial word reference numbers will start with the letter “M,” in order to differentiate them from the original Greek or Hebrew. Though these words did not initially appear in the King James Version (KJV), they are a welcome update to a reference that otherwise leaves out any English version Bible translation that was published after 1611.
An advance copy of the MBT Book of Jonah has already been released, and is available to read here.
Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.
“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”
While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!
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So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.
But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.
“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.
God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.
Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.
The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”
Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was.
Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.
“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”
Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,
“My name is Jonah
And I am a Jew
I worship Adonai
And you should too!”
The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.
They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.
But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.
So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.
They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.
Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.
Jonah 2
So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.
And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,
“Love me, love me, say that You love me,
I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.
Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,
I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,
Tonight and the rest of my life.
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
They’re never gonna keep me down.
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding.
Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,
And after all, You’re my wonderwall.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.
I wanna stand with You on a mountain,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.
Jonah 3
So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”
And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.
Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”
And the people of Nineveh got woke.
Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.
When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.
And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.
Jonah 4
So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.
“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”
And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.
And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.
Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.
But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.
Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.
And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.
And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.
And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”
***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.
San Francisco, CA — Interesting news out of the headquarters of the largest Jewish evangelistic organization in the world, as Jews for Jesus announced they are now planning to train their missionaries to drive for Uber, in their latest guerrilla evangelism tactic. After acquiring Starbucks and opening several coffee shops across the globe, it was time to try something even more left field, in order to win hearts for Jesus. Uber, which is also headquartered in San Francisco, previously began a campaign to deliver Bibles upon request. After which, they were more than happy to partner with a local missionary organization.
“We are constantly trying to come up with new and creative ways to reach unsaved Jews,” Jews for Jesus Missionary and Head of Innovations, Isaac Brickner, explained in a recent newsletter. “If we get our missionaries driving for companies, such as Uber, our passengers are a captive audience. They have no choice but to listen to what we’re saying. They literally can’t walk away from us while we’re talking to them, unless they have really excellent tuck and roll skills. I don’t know why anyone would want to walk away from us anyway; we’re very fun. On top of this, it’s a great way for our missionaries to be able to raise a little extra support. Anyway, with Christmas and New Years coming up, lots of people are going to be calling for an Uber. It just seemed like perfect timing to test this out around the holidays. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to our intern, Rachel, for coming up with the name ‘Jewber for Jesus.’ Great work, Rachel!”
Jews for Jesus plans to have their missionary drivers fully trained in time for Christmas Eve, but did not have an exact date when that would begin. The new program is set for a trial run in San Francisco and New York City, with the other branches starting training early next year. Jews for Jesus said when you ride with them, you can expect to receive the following: a bottle of water, a mint, a broadside, and salvation. They are looking for more missionary/Jewber for Jesus drivers. If you’d like to serve with them, you can find out more information at https://jewsforjesus.org/get-involved/serve/
Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.
“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”
Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
North Pole — Unexpected news out of Santa’s Village this week, as his odd-man-out reindeer, Rudolph, announced he is actually Jewish. Despite working for the King of the Gentiles, our beloved red-nosed friend revealed he is actually a member of the tribe. While this comes as a surprise for most, we really should have known all along.
“I didn’t think it was a secret,” Rudolph said in a recent press conference.” The other reindeer were always making fun of my nose, and my last name’s Rudolph, for gosh sakes. Wait, wait…you didn’t actually think the reindeer went by our FIRST names, did you? You actually thought someone would name their child Blizten or Dasher??? We weren’t born in 2018 where the millennials name their kids Abcde. No, my name is Jacob Rudolph. Yeah…see, now it’s not really a shock anymore, is it?”
Some may wonder why Jews would move to the North Pole when they would be in the minority there. Rudolph said his Father was hired by Santa to be his personal combined Lawyer, Accountant, and Doctor when Rudolph was a child; an offer his Father could not refuse. The salary was guaranteed to put food on the table and keep Rudolph’s nose lit for his entire life. Yes, it was tough for the Rudolphs to be the only Jewish family around, but it was worth it just for the endless supply of milk and cookies the family would receive as a thank you from Mr. Claus himself.
Rudolph said his family was even able to introduce Jewish culture to the Claus family, and Santa enjoyed celebrating Shabbat, and all the other holidays that involve food. Rudolph’s Father also gave Santa some Yiddish lessons. Rudolph said one of his favorite childhood memories was his Father explaining the word “Nudnik” to Claus by telling him not to be a ‘Naked Santa Claus’…a ‘Nude Nick,’ as in St. Nick.
Louisville, KY — 26 year old Morgan Stern of Louisville, KY had a Chanukah party for her friends this past weekend, to celebrate the sixth night of the holiday. Unlike most Chanukah festivities, this one was missing one key ingredient: oil and lots of it.
“It’s so hard to eat healthy during Chanukah,” Stern commented. “Everyone is obsessed with frying things in oil. I don’t really get it. We need to start living a healthier lifestyle, which is why I choose to follow the Whole 30 diet. The least I can do for my friends is help them eat well, even if it’s just for one meal. It’s really a Chanukah miracle that we’re all able to partake in our traditional food without all the extra fat and calories. Isn’t being happy and healthy what Chanukah is all about anyway?”
Sadly Ms. Stern has since been barred from hosting any subsequent Chanukah functions, due to her complete refusal to understand the whole point of what the oil stands for. Remember, kids, you can’t commemorate the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting for eight days without oil. So fry your latkes and your sufganyot and your cheese curds and your jalapeño poppers and your fried chicken in as much oil as you possibly can, and save your Whole 30 for Passover. They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.
Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.
How to play:
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”
•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage
•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair
•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you
•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:
-One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take
an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from
The Falcon
-Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes
-You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be
included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario
•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class
•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together
•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it
•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens
•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf
•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi
•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference
•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym
•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit
•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting
•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent
•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced
•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance
•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English
•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult
•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band
•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”
•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry
•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible
•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing
•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic
•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story
•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done
•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year
Our favorite mocktail recipes:
Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary
1 glass of tomato juice
1 stalk of celery
Ice (optional)
Virgin Mojitoseph Project
1 oz fresh lime juice
2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar
1 cup crushed ice
12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs
1 oz club soda
1 old lamb
Virgin White Russian Jew
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 oz cold brew coffee
1 jar of gefilte fish
Ice
Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach
1 oz peach juice
3 oz orange juice
3 oz cranberry juice
1 One piece bathing suit
The YMJA
Hummus
Chocolate milk
Fruit roll ups
Doritos
The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union
Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye
Thanks to the faithfulness of the entire Messianic Community of eating matzah and conducting Gentile inclusive Seders during Pesach this year, The Lord has seen fit to give Rabbi David Chernoff a calling to develop the One in Messiah Dating Service. Rabbi David will follow in the footsteps of the most anointed Messianic matchmaker of all time, his Mother, the late Yohanna Chernoff.
The first installment of the new dating service will commence at Messiah Conference later this week, and will continue to all Messianic Jewish organizations. A newsletter has gone out to Messianic synagogues reading, “In commemoration of Adonai’s faithfulness in allowing Israel to officially be a Jewish state 70 years ago, Messianic believers worldwide will celebrate by helping young believers fulfill the first charge from God upon leaving the Garden of Eden: Be fruitful and multiply!” To go along with this year’s theme, every ‘single’ will be required to fill out a Heart’s Desire Survey® about their fruits of the spirit. MJAA leaders will then fast, pray, and lay prostrate before the Lord, in addition to using their God given talents of matchmaking. Singles will be matched based on ministry calling, Biblical knowledge, ideal service style, liturgy preference, and other spiritual gifts. Rebbetzin Debbie Chernoff has been quoted saying, “I’m really hoping 70 marriages come from this service, so that in two years at least 70 babies will be attending Conference!” When asked why at least 70 babies, Rebbetzin replied, “It’s not too much to believe God will provide several sets of twins you know!”
Details are beginning to emerge about the service and this includes information that there will be two sets of singles serviced this year. The first isthe “Mary and Joseph” group that includes 18 to 25 year olds, who are joyfully anticipating the possibility of finding love, happiness, and fulfillment with their God appointed mate. There will also be the “Ruth and Boaz” group of 26 to 35ish year olds who are tired of hearing, “When are you going to settle down and cover my knees with grandchildren?!” from the synagogues’ Grandmothers and Rebbetzins. Upon coupling up, each couple will be assigned to a counselor, whose specialty in topics range from “Never been kissed” to “I had given up all hope and need to reemerge back into dating society.”
Many are asking what is the catch to all of this. Well, there is one; by signing up for One in Messiah, all successful marriages that result in children promise to give their first born son to the IAMCS to be raised up as a future Messianic Rabbi, to offset the current shortage of future leaders.
Even with this excitement in the air, due to the possibility of unions, the MJAA leaders are looking forward to 2019 being the year of Ketubot. They have even hinted at plans of orchestrating a 70s themed mass wedding at Messiah Conference 2019, if all goes well.
messianiccomedy.com 