Category Archives: Bob Dylan

The OFFICIAL Messiah Conference Drinking Game!

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With Messiah Conference just four days away, it’s time to finally introduce the Official Messiah Conference Drinking Game! Make sure to print this out and bring it with you to Conference so you can play along. And, don’t worry if you aren’t going; all seven evening main sessions, as well as the Shacharit Shabbat service will be live streamed on the MJAA web site, and archived for three months afterwards.

Since this isn’t a UMJC Conference, we can only recommend using chocolate milk to play this game. However, if you don’t care for chocolate milk, at the end of the instructions we will include recipes for some delightfully appropriate mocktails, including the Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mojitoseph Project, the Virgin White Russian Jew, and the Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach.

 

How to play:

 

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone assumes you’re married or dating the person of the opposite sex standing next to you

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear the word “millennial”

•Take one very small sip of your drink every time you hear a shofar sounded. You definitely don’t want to overdo it on this one!

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi tries to dance on stage

•Take three shots every time Joel Chernoff asks you to pull out your checkbook

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a girl with curly brown hair

•Finish your drink when you see your CC. Finish it twice if you see them chatting up someone else that isn’t you

•Take one sip of your drink for each of the following:

    -One of the Rosenbergs name drops another Rosenberg while they are teaching. Take

an extra sip if that reference is in regards to “The Rosenberg Special” sandwich from

The Falcon

    -Matt Rosenberg mentions his shoes

    -You realize that Aybars Uckun is an honorary Rosenberg, and therefore must be

included in the aforementioned namedropping scenario

•Take two sips every time someone from a Messianic organization that is NOT the MJAA or IAMCS speaks on the main stage or teaches a class

•Take one sip of your drink every time you are in the cafeteria and you hear, “Shhhhh where are my shushers?” Followed by an unintelligible announcement

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a gaggle of Rabbis together

•Take three sips of your drink every time food is offered to you outside of the typical meal times, because you know you’re already gaining at least 10lbs this week, so you may as well just go for it

•Finish your drink when someone mistakes political opinion for spiritual truth. Finish it again if they’re teaching a class or giving a message while it happens

•Take one sip of your drink when you see someone dancing with a flag or scarf

•Take one shot every time you have to re-log into the wifi

•Take one sip of your drink if you specifically got your hair cut within the last few weeks to look good/presentable at this conference

•Take two sips of your drink when you hear numerology disguised as prophetic theology

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use visiting or moving to Israel as a universal cure-all

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear someone use a Messianic themed acronym

•Take one sip of your drink every time you see a male wearing belt loop tzit-tzit

•Take one sip of your drink every time MIQEDEM performs

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone gets slain in The Spirit during Kokeb’s prayer meeting

•Drink half of your glass worth if you can’t vote in the MJAA because you don’t have at least one Jewish Grandparent

•Take one sip of your drink every time you hear another conference mentioned or referenced

•Take one sip of your drink every time you can’t believe what just happened in Rebecca Rudolf’s dance

•Take one sip of your drink every time Paul Wilbur performs a Hebrew song or verse in English

•Drink an entire glass if you sleep more than five hours every night, and then pat yourself on the back for being a responsible adult

•Take one sip of your drink every time a musician performs with a recorded track instead of a live band

•Take one sip of your drink and roll your eyes every time Joel Liberman says, “All Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians”

•Take one sip of your drink for every booth in the marketplace that sells jewelry

•Pour one out for Ted Pearce not being on the schedule this year

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone talks about or reads a passage from the TLV Bible

•Take one sip of your drink if you don’t know how to Davidic dance, but you give it the old college try and feel like you’re the only one who has no idea what they’re doing

•Take one sip of your drink every time someone says something to you in Hebrew, but you don’t understand, because you’re an American Messianic

•Take one sip of your drink every time a Rabbi talks about their drug days. Finish your drink if Bob Dylan is also involved in the story

•Drink a full gallon of your concoction of choice if you’re over 30 and still hanging out at the YMJA. Drink an extra gallon if you steal their food, then go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done

•Finish all the drinks when you realize how bad your PCD will be this year

 

 

 

Our favorite mocktail recipes:

 

Virgin Bloody Virgin Mary

1 glass of tomato juice

1 stalk of celery

Ice (optional)

 

Virgin Mojitoseph Project

1 oz fresh lime juice

2 heaping teaspoons superfine sugar

1 cup crushed ice

12 fresh mint leaves, plus 5 small sprigs

1 oz club soda

1 old lamb

 

Virgin White Russian Jew

1/2 cup heavy cream

1 oz cold brew coffee

1 jar of gefilte fish

Ice

 

Virgin Because I’m Saving Myself For Marriage So Don’t Even Try to Get with This on the Beach

1 oz peach juice

3 oz orange juice

3 oz cranberry juice

1 One piece bathing suit

 

The YMJA

Hummus

Chocolate milk

Fruit roll ups

Doritos

The Israeli flag that is missing from the Larsen Student Union

Mix it all together and add ice and purple food dye

 

 

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FDA Retroactively Warns: Smoking Marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s May Cause You to Become Messianic Rabbi

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Silver Spring, MD — The Food and Drug Administration issued a retroactive warning this week that smoking marijuana with Bob Dylan in the 1970s may cause you to become a Messianic Rabbi. The warning was issued after The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that 92% of Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60 had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan on at least one occasion during the 1970s, leading to a necessary study to find out if there is a direct correlation between previously doing drugs with Bob Dylan and becoming a Messianic Rabbi. The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the two incidents.

“It’s really appalling,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute in Pennsylvania. “After rigorous research on the testimonies of various Messianic Rabbis over the age of 60, we have come to realize that 92% of them had smoked marijuana with Bob Dylan, at least one time during the 1970s. Unfortunately, all of that marijuana is long gone by now, so it would be impossible for us to analyze the drugs in question to see if they were laced with something that affected the brain of young Jews and made them think they need to lead congregations for Jews who believe Jesus is The Messiah. But then again, we don’t really need to run tests on the drugs. I think the proof is in the pudding. The drugs were clearly laced with something very weird. This may also explain why all Messianic gatherings have to have food present.”

Robert “Bob Dylan” Zimmerman initially could not be reached for comment, though we suspect he was intentionally tampering with the aforementioned drugs to ensure he was not the only Jewish believer in the country. Dylan later responded only with, “It ain’t me, babe.”

 

 

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Jonathan Bernis Comes Out as Huge One Direction Fan

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Phoenix, AZ – President of the Greater Messianic Movement, Jonathan Bernis, has finally admitted to being a big fan of the British pop band, One Direction. The announcement came after Bernis assigned the book “The One Thing,” by Gary Keller to those taking his leadership track at the upcoming ARCH Leadership Summit. The book has an eerily similar name to one of One Direction’s biggest hits, “One Thing,” and members of the movement began to speculate that this was not just a coincidence.

“Well, the rumors are true,” Bernis said in an e-mail blast. “I am a huge One Direction fan. I don’t oft listen to secular music, but I do love Dylan, The Grateful Dead, and, of course, One Direction. There’s just something about their haunting melodies and wistful lyrics that reach the depths of my soul. I did intentionally assign a book that had a similar name to my favorite One Direction song. Sadly, once I read it, I realized it had nothing to do with the band, but it was too late. However, I still expect everyone taking the Leadership Track at The Summit to read it.”

Bernis will speak more about his taste in music in the upcoming biography, “Human Like Us,” which will showcase in depth interviews with various Messianic Rabbis and other ministerial leaders, to give us a day to day look at what their lives are like outside of ministry. More information about this book will be forthcoming, through First Fruits of Zion is hoping to release the book before the major summer conferences of 2017.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Exposé: Closet-Messianic Celebrities Outed by Big Mouthed Members of the Community

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Bob Dylan, Lynda Carter, Glen Campbell, Gabby Douglas, Justin Bieber. None of these people are actually Messianic…or are they??

The rumors have flown throughout the Messianic Movement for years. “So and so came to my congregation with their girlfriend, grandmother, etc.” “I met them!” “My cousin’s Father’s next door neighbor’s sister’s dog sat next to them at Shul.” Blah blah blah.

But what is the truth? The Messianic Meow investigates:

Wikipedia has confirmed that Glen Campbell considers himself to be Messianic.

Stacy Goebbel of Beth Messiah Columbus confirms that Gabby Douglas has been to her congregation on more than one occasion.

Googling Lynda Carter has confirmed that she attends or at least previously attended a Messianic Congregation at one point.

Justin Bieber has a tattoo in Hebrew that says “Yeshua,” but really, do we even want him?? 😛

And Bob Dylan…well, every single Baby Boomer Messianic has done drugs with Bob Dylan before they became a believer, including the late David Ben-Gurion. Or so they say.

Each of these celebrities probably just wants to be left alone to live their life, but will that happen? Well, my friends, they’ve chosen to be part of the wrong culture if they don’t want word to get around faster than Usain Bolt finds new Brazilian girlfriends.

Of course we’d love to claim them all as our own, but if they really wanted that, we wouldn’t have to dig. We’ve definitely got Shae Wilbur and Avi Kaplan of Pentatonix, so let’s worry about more important things, like what kind of spread will be at Oneg on Saturday.

Until next time, this has been The Messianic Meow Investigates.

I Met Messiah: The Ghost of David Ben-Gurion

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New York City, NY – Chosen People Ministries and One for Israel have come together to produce the “I Met Messiah” videos; abbreviated testimonies from believers letting the world know how they met Messiah. In the newest yet to be released video, The Ghost of David Ben-Gurion, the primary founder of the modern state of Israel/Israel’s first Prime Minister/the founder of Israel’s leading airport, comes back to Earth to tell the story of how he came to faith:

“I was always a believer in God’s existence, but as far as Him sending His Son to die for my sins…no way. Nice Jewish boys don’t believe that. If I did, I probably never would’ve gone through my wild days of partying and doing drugs with Bob Dylan. And then I died. And there was Yeshua. I couldn’t believe it. The Son of God standing right in front of me. I had wasted my entire life not believing.”

Ben-Gurion is just one of billions of people who met Messiah and came to faith upon dying, but the first whose spirit actually came back to sit in the infamous “I Met Messiah” chair that we have all come to know and love. For the entire video or to see more “I Met Messiah” testimony videos please visit www.imetmessiah.com or www.ifoundshalom.com