Brooklyn, NY — Billiam Jansen, a recent transplant from Alabama, had an unpleasant surprise this week, after attending a Chanukah party with a neighbor, and committing an outrageous faux pas that landed him in jail. Jansen, who had never been to a Chanukah party before, saw sour cream and applesauce available to top his potato latkes, and opted to use both at the same time.
“Why the hell not?” Jansen asked the NYPD officer, who arrested him. “I’ve never had applesauce with potatoes before, but I saw all these other Jews usin’ it, and I wanted to try it. Couldn’t pass up the sour cream neither. The only thing missin’ was some Ranch dressin’ and maybe some ketchup. Now that there is a party!”
Jansen was taken to the Brooklyn Detention Complex, where he was released on a $10,000 bond, and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. Jansen said what he learned from this experience is if mixing sour cream and applesauce is wrong, he does not want to be right. Rumors have circulated of Jansen packaging the two items together in the same jar, and selling them on the dark web. If you come across the illegal product being sold, please reach out to your local authorities.
It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.
“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”
While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!
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So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.
But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.
“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.
God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.
Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.
The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”
Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was.
Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.
“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”
Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,
“My name is Jonah
And I am a Jew
I worship Adonai
And you should too!”
The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.
They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.
But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.
So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.
They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.
Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.
So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.
And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,
“Love me, love me, say that You love me,
I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.
Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,
I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,
Tonight and the rest of my life.
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
They’re never gonna keep me down.
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding.
Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,
And after all, You’re my wonderwall.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.
I wanna stand with You on a mountain,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.
So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”
And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.
Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”
And the people of Nineveh got woke.
Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.
When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.
And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.
So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.
“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”
And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.
And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.
Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.
But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.
Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.
And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.
And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.
And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”
***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.
Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.
“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”
The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”
Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”
However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”
Lincoln, NE — After a local Judaica store offered a going-out-of-business liquidation sale, Rabbi Gerry Barry of Beth Jesus House of The Lord in Lincoln, Nebraska, made sure to take advantage of the clearance prices. Barry cleared out the store’s entire inventory of mezuzah cases, as the store promised an extra discount for anyone with the chutzpah to do so.
“I don’t know why Lincoln’s only Judaica store would go out of business in the first place, but I was more than happy to purchase 720 mezuzah cases at only $2 a piece,” Rabbi Barry explained. “Now that’s a metziah if I ever saw one! Initially I had no plan for the mezuzot, but at those prices, I simply could not pass up the bargain. Now that I have them, the only thing I can think to use them for is trick-or-treaters. I’ll be honest, I HATE Halloween! It’s from HaSatan and I usually hide in my basement every October 31st and turn all my lights out, but what else am I going to do with 720 mezuzah cases? At least this way the children have something meaningful and not just an extra way to rot their teeth. What little boy or girl in Nebraska wouldn’t want a free mezuzah case?! They’ll have to get their own Kosher scroll though; I’m not made of money after all!”
Rabbi Barry says he will be handing out the mezuzahs at his house tonight from 4pm-8pm; the town’s trick-or-treating hours. He said any child dressed as a witch, the devil, or Harry Potter will be given an extra mezuzah case, as well as some anointing oil.
Rosh Hashanah may have come to a close, but Rabbi Joseph Weiner of Congregation Beth Messiah in Butte, MT will likely be dealing with the aftermath of the holiday well into the new year. Following the newly founded Messianic synagogue’s very first High Holy Day service, Rabbi Weiner’s office voicemail has been flooded with messages, all bearing a similar, and rather fruity, complaint.
“I thought our first High Holy Days would bring us closer together as a congregation,” says Rabbi Weiner. “Instead I’ve got dozens of complaints on my machine, and more coming in every hour. All I did was pick my favorite type of apple to dip in honey at the service. I’ve always loved Granny Smith apples, and I appreciate the way the tartness of the apple mixes with the sweetness of the honey. I never would have thought something like that could offend so many people.”
Listening to the voicemails, it’s hard not to be caught off guard by the vehemence of some of the complaints. “How dare you use Granny Smiths on Rosh Hashanah!” shouts one particularly upset woman, who sounds as if she was close to tears while leaving the message. “Dipping an apple with a gentile name like that is a slap in the face to our heritage. Unless you issue an apology and swear to use proper, Jewish apples like the Jonathan from now on, I don’t know that I can bring myself to come out again.”
According to the Rabbi, the suggestions of what apples to use in the future are the worst part. “Most of the calls include ideas for more ‘appropriate’ apples, and about half of the people seem to believe that their favorite varietal is the only ‘proper’ one to use. But there are dozens of types mentioned, and some of the opinions are directly contradictory. One person called the Red Delicious ‘God’s chosen apple,’ while another ruled out any red cultivars because ‘the apple Adam and Eve ate was red.’ Obviously that’s wrong on a whole host of levels, but is it really that much more wrong than any of these other ridiculous stances? And that’s not even factoring in the rare types [of apples]. One gentleman insisted that we should only use Northern Spy apples. I had to look that one up, and it turns out they grow mainly in upstate New York. How am I supposed to get those in Montana?”
Nevertheless, the Rabbi has hopes that the rest of the High Holy Days will be a success. “I’m telling you one thing, though,” he adds. “I’m placing a ban on all mentions of food during Yom Kippur prayers. We need a time of somber repentance and reflection, not a bunch of prayers for me to be forgiven for my ‘sinful’ choice of apples. And I’ve learned from my mistake; next year, our Rosh Hashanah service will be strictly B.Y.O.A.”
At press time, the Rabbi had just received a call also complaining about the type of honey used.
With the month of Elul more than half way through, we think it’s time to start a new tradition of writing songs dedicated to the Hebrew month of preparation for the upcoming High Holidays. Below we have provided a list of words that rhyme with Elul, to help you get started on your new song! We recommend choosing 3-4 words and writing around them. We have taken the liberty to bold the words we will be using in our own song, so you can see where we’re going with ours, and hope it will inspire you in yours. Please feel free to share your songs with us 🙂
Montpelier, VT – Last night, Congregation Beth Messiah of Montpelier, Vermont, held its biggest event of the year: their congregational Passover Seder. After months of hype, announcements in every service and over a thousand mailers sent throughout the city, the event was sold out, and every seat was filled. However, as Rabbi Jacob Felberbaum and his elders proceeded through the Seder, they began to notice something peculiar.
“I looked out into the crowd, and there were absolutely no familiar faces,” said Assistant Rabbi Mark Weissman. “Then I wandered a bit during the meal, and when not a single Bubbe grabbed me to talk my ear off about her thoughts on the morning’s service I knew something was wrong. So after the Seder, I went back and checked through the ticket sales records, and it was just as I’d suspected – not a single member had bought a ticket.”
“It’s a bit of a shock,” said Rabbi Felberbaum upon hearing the news. “Sure, we’ve had somewhat low turnout among members for the past decade or so, with most of the seats these days going to church groups and Hebrew Roots folks looking for a taste of the ‘Jewish experience.’ Still, we’ve always had at least a few members – newer folks in particular, plus a few old stalwarts bringing out friends or relatives. I’m not sure what changed this year.”
Rank and file members of the congregation, however, were significantly less surprised by the revelation. “I don’t know why anyone in the synagogue would go to that thing,” said Becca Meltzer. “It’s $35 a pop, catered by goyim who couldn’t make a decent matzah ball soup if their life depended on it, and it’s on a random night that has no significance, whatsoever. Besides, I was already invited to two other home Seders this week, and my attention span can only sit through so much; why would I pick the one that costs money?”
“I attended the Seder once when I first joined, but I’ll never make that mistake again,” said Josh Wingert, echoing Becca’s sentiments. “They take even longer to get to the meal than my parents, and my Dad spends like an hour on the Passover story alone. But the last straw for me was the charoset, which until that night had always been the highlight of the Seder for me. I don’t know what they were thinking; the stuff is supposed to remind you of mortar, but what they put in front of me looked more like dry trail mix.”
A further survey of members also revealed that, even if they’d been interested in attending the Congregational Seder, most had already committed to one of the five other Seders held that night by Beth Messiah members. The largest of these was held by the Rabbi’s own mother, who hosted just over two dozen people in her spacious dining room.
“Of course I went to Mama Sarah’s Seder,” said Sam Finkel. “I wouldn’t have gone to the Synagogue one anyway, but anyone who’d even consider turning down an invitation to her Seder has either never eaten her cooking, or he’s gone completely meshuggah.”
At press time, Rabbi Felberbaum had not responded to The Meow’s inquiries as to whether he’d been invited to his mother’s Seder.