Jonathan Cahn Calculates Apocalypse Happened Two Years Ago, Locks Himself in Emergency Bunker

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BREAKING: It has now been just over four hours since New York Times best-selling author, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn, locked himself into the emergency fallout shelter in his backyard with his wife and children. According to Congregation Beth Israel member, Sam Shapiro, the situation apparently began at the Rabbi’s office earlier this morning.

“I had a 9:30 A.M. meeting with him,” said Shapiro, “but at 9:45 he was still locked in his office; I think he was working on his message for the Messiah Conference. Anyway, I could kind of hear him through the door. He was clearly agitated, and kept saying something about the mystery being all wrong. I finally went to knock on his door to see if he was okay, and when he came out he had this wild look in his eyes. He grabbed me by the shoulders and said, ‘It’s started. It’s started and we didn’t even know. Get to the shelters!!’ Then he just ran out of the building and drove off.” 

Upon looking into the Rabbi’s office, Shapiro noticed five open Bibles and a stack of notes. “The notes were a real mess, filled with a jumble of dates, calculations and verse references. Right at the top of the first page, Rabbi Cahn had written the word ‘APOCALYPSE,’ and directly underneath it he’d written a date: April 13, 2017. It was underlined like five times and circled repeatedly. Apparently he’d calculated out the date of the Apocalypse, and it’s already happened. I’m no expert, but I looked through the notes and the math seems solid. Who’d have thought, right?”

Friends and relatives have gathered at the Rabbi’s home, attempting to force their way into the shelter or otherwise coax him out, but so far have met with no success. Communication with Cahn has been limited, but from what little can be heard through the thick, lead-lined door, it appears they may have to prepare themselves for a long wait, as the Rabbi seemingly plans to remain barricaded within until the calculated end of the Apocalypse approximately five years from now.

As for the members of the Rabbi’s congregation, most seem to be taking his concern to heart. “If the Rabbi says the end of days is here, it’s here,” said Jessica Cohen. “I’ve got a shelter, and I plan on getting in there as soon as my cleaners come by next week to spruce it up a bit.”

“Sadly, I don’t have a shelter of my own,” said Josh Isenberg. “It’s kind of hard to build something like that when you live in an apartment. But I’m in talks with a few of the other members, and hopefully I’ll have a place to wait out the rest of the Apocalypse within the next month or so.”

As for Shapiro, he seems to have a somewhat more pragmatic view of things. “I mean, sure, it’s the apocalypse, but it hasn’t been too bad these first two years, so I think I’ll just ride it out up here. Besides, I talked to a few of the others and none of their shelters have Netflix. So yeah, I’m good.”

 

 

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Auditions for Yeshua HaMashiach Superstar to Take Place at Messiah Conference Next Month

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Grantham, PA — Groundbreaking news from the MJAA this week, as Messiah Conference is planning to produce its first ever full length musical at the 2020 Conference, with auditions taking place next month. The show will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar,” with the title and lyrics being changed to fall in line with Messianic Culture. Host of popular Messianic radio show, “Bagels and Blessings,” Ethel Chadwick, will direct the historic event.

“I am so excited to make history with Messiah Conference’s first ever Broadway musical performance next year!!!” Chadwick announced on Facebook. “I do have to let everyone know that a few of the roles have already been filled: Rebecca Rudolf will be playing the part of Miriam Magdalene. Joel Chernoff insisted that he play Yeshua, or else we will have to cancel the entire thing, saying the fact that his initials are ‘JC’ is a sign! As well, Pontius Pilate will be played by Marc Vidito. All other roles are wide open and I encourage anyone with a love of theatre to audition! It’s going to be great!”

Auditions will be held at Messiah Conference on Wednesday, July 3rd at 9am in the High Center – Parmer Hall, with rehearsals taking place over video chat, throughout the year. Please prepare 16 bars of your favorite Lamb song, and come dressed to learn a light dance combo. 

If this production goes well, plans are in place to host future productions of Godspell and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joel Chernoff has also been cast in the respective leads of those productions.

 

 

 

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Messiah Conference 2019 Livestream to Move to Five Second Delay After Guest Speaker Drops Four Letter Word on Stage

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Grantham, PA  — Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.

“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”

While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.

 

 

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Messianic Meow Livestream Standup Comedy

Our Director, Jami, will be performing standup next week at the Neshama Women’s Conference in Savannah, GA. If you are unable to make the conference in person, you may register for the livestream link for $50 a person, which includes the main sessions of the entire conference. It will also be archived, so you can watch later. Livestream registration can be found here.

 

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MJAA Announces New Post-Conference Registration For Messiah 2018

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Messiah 2018 may be over, but that no longer means that those who couldn’t make it out have missed their chance to be a part of the MJAA’s biggest conference of the year. In a surprise announcement on the final night of the Conference, the MJAA revealed that they would be unveiling a brand new post-conference registration program for everyone who regrets not being able to attend. “We’re very excited to present this wonderful new registration option,” said MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman. “We realize that coming to this conference can be a large financial burden, particularly for those coming from a long distance. Our new post-registration option provides a way for these people to enjoy a taste of the Conference experience without the costly endeavor of actually coming to Conference.”

Since post-Conference registrants will not actually be coming out to Grantham, PA, they will instead be shipped a variety of items specifically selected to replicate the Messiah Conference experience. Everyone who registers will receive the Conference schedule, an expired meal card with 5 unused meals on it, and a name badge with the time of the Shabbat dinner they would have liked to attend printed on it. They will also receive a link to an online marketplace filled with Messianic literature and music, a bafflingly large array of tie-dyed shirts, and lots of overpriced Israeli knick-knacks. Rounding out the package will be DVDs of all evening services and up to 3 classes of their choice, plus an exclusive free bonus DVD/CD set featuring over 2 hours of fundraising videos and 45 minutes of unintelligible dining room announcements. In addition, certain registrants will also be sent bonus items based on their personal details.

“Obviously, if you post-register for the YMJA you’ll receive a copy of their schedule and a link to a streaming copy of the YMJA rules video, plus the t-shirt if you pay the extra fee for it,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, at a question and answer session following the announcement. “Same goes for any additional programs you register for, be it kids’ program, Yeshiva, whatever. Any free physical items you’d get if you came here, we’ll mail them to you. That should pretty much go without saying. But much more exciting are some of the specialty bonus items available exclusively to those who post-register. For example, everyone who registers as single will receive a custom-made, handwritten list of potential spouses compiled by one of our on-staff yentas. And for young couples registering without children, we’ll include a free CD of people asking when they’re going to have kids.

The post-Conference registration program opened on Monday, July 9 and will run through the end of August.  And while nobody has signed up as of press time, the MJAA is confident that it will prove to be a popular option. “It really is the most economic choice,” said Liberman. “We’ve really pulled out all the stops to provide the fullest Conference experience possible, minus the Conference itself. I know it’s a cliché, but it really is true: it’s the next best thing to being here.”

 

 

 

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Messiah Conference Livestream Schedule

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Can’t make it to the world’s largest Messianic conference this week? No worries, all EIGHT of the main sessions (seven evening sessions, plus the Shacharit Shabbat service) will be livestreamed for FREE on www.mjaa.org and then archived on the web site for three months afterwards.

Here’s the schedule:
•Sunday, July 1st at 7:00pm ET
Music: Paul Wilbur and Beckah Shae
Speakers: Jeff Adler, Janet Forman, Larry Feldman

•Monday, July 2nd at 7:00pm ET
Music: The Isaacs
Speakers: Steven Shreyberg, Joey Stepakoff, Lou Engle

•Tuesday, July 3rd at 7:00pm ET
ISRAEL NIGHT
Music: MIQEDEM, Sarah Liberman, Shani Ferguson, Elihana Elia
Speaker: Eli Nacht

•Wednesday, July 4th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Marty Goetz and Misha Goetz Music
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Frank Lowinger, Susan Perlman, David Chernoff

•Thursday, July 5th at 7:00pm ET
YMJA NIGHT
Music: Zik Worship
Speakers: Michael Vowell, Devorah Mizrachi Boaz, Jason Sobel

•Friday, July 6th at 7:00pm ET
Music: MIQEDEM, The Klezmeranians, Baht Rivka Whitten
Special Dance Performance: Rebecca Rudolf Music
Speakers: Ezra Watnik, Michael Wolf, Jeffrey Forman

Saturday, July 7th at 10:00am ET
TORAH SERVICE
Liturgy by Marty Goetz
Speakers: David Hess, David Levine, Michael Stepakoff

Saturday, July 7th at 7:00pm ET
Music: Shae Wilbur, Elihana Elia, Nate Benjamin, Lamb Joel Chernoff Messianic Jewish Music
Speakers: Joel Liberman, Jonathan Cahn

 

Conference presented by Messianic Jewish Alliance of America (MJAA)