It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.
“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”
While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!
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So God asked Jonah to go to the town of Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck, and Jonah was like, “Eff that noise; I’m going on a cruise. Don’t follow me,” and he peaced out.
But Jonah forgot he had left the ‘Find my Friends’ feature on his phone turned on, as he ran in the opposite direction to Joppa, and boarded a boat to Tarshish.
“YOLO,” was Jonah’s mentality at that point, but he was about to get schooled so madcore, it’s not even funny.
God was like, “Bruh, what are you doing? I asked you to go to Nineveh.” And He sent a storm that was so sick, it was almost like Titanic up in there. That poor boat, man. I can’t even.
Everyone on board was completely freaking out, except for Jonah, who was passed the eff out in steerage.
The crew of the boat put Jonah’s hand in a bowl of warm water, and drew male body parts on his forehead, but he still didn’t wake up, so they shouted at him, “WHAT EVEN ARE YOU DOING RN?! Start praying to your God for this storm to stop!”
Then the men decided to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock to figure out whose fault the storm was.
Jonah lost literally every single round, which meant he was to blame.
“Show us your Facebook profile!” The crew demanded of Jonah. “Why is this storm happening? What do you have listed as your religion? What does it say your hometown is? What did you put down for your current job?”
Jonah showed them a TikTok he made of himself rapping,
“My name is Jonah
And I am a Jew
I worship Adonai
And you should too!”
The sailors were shook, because they knew Jonah was running away from Adonai, because he had Tweeted about it.
They asked Jonah what they should do to him to make the storm stop and he told them if they yeet him into the sea, the storm would stop.
But they didn’t listen and kept rowing towards the shore, but the storm was ri-dic-u-lous. So they cried out to The Lord not to let them die, because of this jamoke.
So they yeeted Jonah into the sea and the storm literally stopped.
They were so impressed with God’s power that they offered Him a sacrifice and dedicated their lives to Him.
Even though Jonah ran from The Lord and wound up in a place where he was never supposed to be, The Lord still used Jonah’s mistake for His good.
So The Lord prepared a big ass fish to swallow Jonah. I mean, we are talking a big. ass. fish. Like seriously, you would not believe the size of this thing. And Jonah was inside of it for literally three days and three nights.
And so Jonah cried and he prayed and he begged God,
“Love me, love me, say that You love me,
I don’t care ‘bout anything but You.
I’m not sick, but I’m not well,
And I’m so hot, cuz I’m in Hell.
Down to the Earth I fell with dripping wings, heavy things won’t fly,
I feel so light, this is all I wanna feel tonight,
Tonight and the rest of my life.
Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming,
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
They’re never gonna keep me down.
What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend the day warm on the sand?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding.
Cuz maybe You’re gonna be The One Who saves me,
And after all, You’re my wonderwall.
You raise me up so I can stand on mountains,
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas,
I am strong when I am on Your shoulders.
I wanna stand with You on a mountain,
I wanna lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.”
Then the Lord spoke to the fish and it puked Jonah up onto the shore.
So The Lord told Jonah a second time, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go to Nineveh and tell them how much they all suck. I’m not playin’.”
And Jonah knew The Lord was really not playin’, so he actually listened this time, and you better believe he high tailed it over to Nineveh, which was absolutely ginormous.
Jonah cried throughout the city, “In 40 days, Nineveh is gonna be donezo!”
And the people of Nineveh got woke.
Because they were so distraught, they began to practice intermittent fasting and posted their #OOD on Instagram, which was basically just burlap.
When the king of Nineveh saw the posts on Instagram, he stepped down from his throne, got butt nekkid, put on his burlap #OOD, and did a firewalk, Tony Robbins style. He posted a video on the village YouTube page letting everyone in town know they’re all to fast and wear burlap, including all their furchildren. He also ordered everyone to just stop being evil, because it’s really that easy. Just stop. Stop being evil and maybe God will calm the frick down and change His mind about destroying us.
And when God saw that the Ninevites had stopped being evil, He calmed the frick down and changed His mind about destroying them.
So Jonah was mad as all get out that God changed His mind about destroying Nineveh, because Jonah was an unhealthy Enneagram 9 that goes to 6 in stress.
“Hello???” Jonah said to God. “TBH, this is exactly why I peaced out when You first told me to go to Nineveh. I KNEW this was going to happen! I KNEW You would be merciful and compassionate to the Ninevites, so what was the point of me coming here in the first place? Now I’m going to look like a fool in front of all my new friends and they’re going to hate me. Please just KMN.”
And The Lord asked Jonah if it was really cool of him to be mad rn, and Jonah was like, “Psh.” And he went East of the city and made himself a hut, so he could creep on Nineveh to see what would happen to it.
And God prepared a strange and interesting plant to grow over Jonah to give him shade, but not the same kind of shade that Jonah totally threw at God for not destroying Nineveh.
Jonah loved his new plant, even if it wasn’t a succulent.
But then God prepared a worm to eat through the plant, and it died.
Afterwards, God sent a terrible wind and had the sun beat down on Jonah’s head until he wanted to pass out and die.
And God asked Jonah if it’s worth it to be angry over the plant. And Jonah said yes, because these Enneagram 9s are just ridic.
And Jonah said he was angry enough to die.
And God dropped some major knowledge on Jonah, saying, “You feel sorry for a plant that you didn’t so much as buy from a farmer’s market. It appeared from nowhere, and it left from nowhere. So shouldn’t I feel sorry for a town of more than 120,000 clueless brats, plus all their furchildren?”
***The Millennial Bible is a thought for thought translation of The Bible. Please donate here to help get the full translation made and published.
Bangor, ME – In the midst of the Coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping across the nation, Joseph Schlott was excited, if somewhat skeptical, when he saw on Facebook that his local Messianic synagogue, Congregation Beth Messiah, would be livestreaming a virtual Seder for their members. Sadly, what started as a wonderful alternative for those stuck in solitude turned into a source of considerable frustration before the night had ended.
“I was really looking forward to it,” said Schlott. “I live alone, and of course we’re all social distancing these days.I would have felt pretty silly reading the Hagaddah out loud alone in my apartment, but the answers to the four questions and the explanations of the elements are just so essential to Passover that I don’t think I could bring myself to skip them. So when they announced that they were taking the congregational Seder virtual, I was thrilled—finally, a congregational Seder worth attending! But I did have one major concern, which was that the Afikomen hunt wouldn’t be much of a challenge. Turns out I was right to be worried about it, but not for that reason.”
The trouble began when the Rabbi paused the proceedings for a few minutes to give the children at home a chance to find the Afikomen. “I knew it wouldn’t be much of a challenge since I’d be both hiding and finding it, but it’s a crucial part of the Seder, right?” said Schlott. “So anyway, I was about to go hide it, when I realized I didn’t have a clue where I’d last put it down. So then I’m looking all over the place for it, and next thing I know the Rabbi’s starting the Seder up again. There wasn’t a way to pause it, so I had to back out of the thing.”
Nearly an hour later, Schlott finally recovered the missing piece of matzah, which had become buried in the recesses of his couch, alongside his previously misplaced keys. Although he’d missed the rest of the livestream, he decided to finish the Seder by pulling up the archived footage, which he reports wasn’t without its additional difficulties. “When I finally found the thing and went back to the video, it started from the beginning. It took me forever to find the right part. All in all, a pretty frustrating end to an unusual night.”
However, when asked if he’d attend another virtual Seder in the future should the need arise, Schlott was open to the possibility. “Obviously I’m hoping that all my future Seders will be in person, surrounded by family and friends, the way it should be. But if we had a situation like this again? Yeah, I think I’d give it another shot. It certainly beats monologuing the whole thing to an empty room like a lunatic. Besides, I gave myself fifty bucks for the Afikomen once I found it; it’s hard to argue with a payout like that.”
Murca — With a global pandemic at hand and the world rapidly changing, Messianic Congregations across the United States are being forced to re-format their weekly activities. Just as many corporations have moved their work online, Messianic Congregations are following suit. Synagogues are rushing to begin live-streaming their services, so as not to lose the attention of their attendees, while they are forced to close their physical locations for the unforeseeable future. Live-streaming services will allow Rabbis to continue giving their sermons, as well as collect online tithes. However, not meeting in person does present some challenges, including having to loosen their reigns on ensuring congregants stick by their side during this time of uncertainty.
“Honestly, I don’t even know what to do with myself on Shabbat right now,” said Missy W., a member of a nameless Messianic Congregation, located somewhere in the United States. “I can live-stream my Rabbi’s sermon while I’m still in bed. I don’t even have to get up. So that’s like 45 minutes of my life. I don’t even have to get dressed to attend services right now. On a normal week, as a member, I’m required to be at my Synagogue for 10 hours every Saturday. I have to be at my Rabbi’s every beck and call. Sometimes I lead worship, sometimes I am in the nursery, sometimes I am running the soundboard, sometimes I am just a gopher for leadership. If I even try to miss a week of services, they pretty much put out an Amber Alert for me. One week I had a 103º fever and I had five people tell me if I didn’t show up in the next 20 minutes they would have a Sheriff’s Deputy come to my house and escort me there. My Rabbi is a really gifted speaker, but I can do without the rest of his controlling behavior. Our congregation has been closed for two weeks already, and I feel so free right now. I feel like I can breathe. For the first time, in eight years, I can finally just rest and not have to worry about what will happen to me if I just take the day to myself. This new arrangement, where our congregation is 100% virtual, allows me to filter out the bad and only deal with the good. And I am kind of enjoying not dealing with the bad. I’m seriously considering not even returning to my congregation when they re-open in a couple of months. And I actually feel okay with that. Is it okay to do this for myself? I don’t even know if that’s okay. It’s okay, right? Please tell me it’s okay.”
More than 70 Messianic Congregations across the United States and Canada have moved their Shabbat services online, during this time of social distancing. If you would like to attend a virtual Shabbat service, please visit this page for a list of options: https://messianiccomedy.com/find-a-messianic-congregation/
Pensacola, FL — Since 2011, internet retailer, Amazon, has been offering off site lockers in select locations. The lockers provide an alternative to having packages delivered to your home. As package theft becomes more and more prevalent, the need for these lockers is becoming greater. While Amazon lockers are typically found in retail locations, one Rabbi in Pensacola is providing space for them in his Synagogue.
“Well, we had some empty space available in our building that wasn’t being used for anything,” Rabbi Eric Tokajer, of Brit Ahm Messianic Synagogue, explained to the Messianic Daily News. “I’m always looking for new ideas for our congregation that will catapult us into the next decade, like a men’s conference, an inter-congregational cruise, and a coffee shop called ‘Java Nagila’ that we run once a month. Having Amazon Locker in our space is a great way to get people in the door that wouldn’t otherwise be setting foot in our building. We have so many events going on during the week, it’s likely they’ll walk in to pick up their package while a Bible study, dance class, or Shabbat service is happening. The hope is that they’ll either stay for the event, or come back for a later one. It’s even better if they select our congregation on Amazon Smile; not only are their packages giving back to us financially, but we wind up with more members, because they walked in and stayed for Shabbat, when they wouldn’t normally have been here otherwise. I know it’s a real forward thinking idea. I like to consider myself pretty progressive, which is why we own our Synagogue building, instead of renting it.”
After hearing about Brit Ahm’s new idea to acquire more members from the general population, it is expected that Messianic Congregations across the county will follow suit in hosting Amazon Lockers. At press time, Brit Ahm estimates they have five new congregants from this experiment; one of which Jewish.
Temecula, CA — Psalms 34:8 in the English Bible translations and Psalms 34:9 in the TLV and CJB says, “Taste and see that The Lord is good; oh the joys of those who take refuge in Him!” While this is meant to be a metaphor, for one woman Temecula, it’s literal. 39 year old, Ellen Glickman, of Kehilat Mashiach has been dealing with Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia her entire life, in which different words are associated with certain tastes. Ellen says living with Synesthesia can be both a blessing and a curse.
“I once met a man on OkCupid and I had to cancel our first date, because his name tasted like cilantro,” Glickman explained to The Meow. “The upside to my Synesthesia, and a big part of the reason why I became a believer in the first place, is that all the names of The Lord taste like various flavors of ice cream to me. The deeper I get into worship, the more kinds of ice cream I experience. Who wouldn’t want to continually taste ice cream? I definitely do. I can personally vouch that The Lord tastes good. Sometimes He tastes like chocolate and sometimes He tastes like cookies and cream. Whether it’s ‘Lord,’ ‘Adonai,’ ‘God,’ or ‘HaShem,’ I really can’t go wrong. And on the days when I’m craving mint chocolate chip, He’s ‘El Shaddai’ to me. It’s so great to be able to praise The Lord and feel like I’m having my favorite dessert at the same time! I just wish everything tasted as good as The Lord does.”
For the rest of us that do not possess Lexical-Gustatory Synesthesia, we’ll just have to come up with other ways to continue striving to taste that The Lord is good. Until then, perhaps we can try eating something sweet while we worship. You can read more about Synesthesia here.
A few weeks ago we asked you all to come up with a new slogan for Messianic Judaism to replace “Returning to The God of our Fathers, by becoming fully devoted followers of Yeshua.” It’s not that there’s anything wrong with that slogan, but it’s almost 2020 and it’s time for a refresh. We received more than 100 submissions and we narrowed it down to 10. Please vote for your favorite and we’ll announce the winner on January 1st. The person who submitted the winning slogan will receive an all expenses paid trip for two to the Messianic Conference of their choosing, courtesy of our sponsor, Jewish Voice.
•Messianic Judaism: There’s nothing better than a Jew who believes in Jesus.
•Messianic Judaism: There’s nothing better than a Gentile living as a Jew who believes in Jesus.
•Messianic Judaism: How many extra syllables can we shove into this song?
•Messianic Judaism: Free food with every service.
•Messianic Judaism: Conferences and disagreements.
•Messianic Judaism: Many organizations; zero organization.
•Messianic Judaism: You aren’t being abused; The Lord is just testing you.
•Messianic Judaism: Stop the ride; I want to get off.
•Messianic Judaism: We’d tell you to drink the Kool-aid, but it’s not Kosher.
Amarillo, TX — Alarming news from Messianic Congregation Tikvat Shalom in Amarillo, TX, after a worship leader was rewarded with a high five for sweeping a rape under the rug. Jenny Morgandorfer, who plays guitar and sings with the worship band every Shabbat, was out to lunch with another congregant, who informed Jenny that she had been raped by a member of the prayer team, after giving him a ride home last week, and was too afraid to go to the police. Jenny advised her she did the right thing by not going to the police, as it’s best to keep things quiet in this situation. The man was already on the national sex offender registry, and reporting this to the police would send him to jail. Not wanting to lose him from the prayer team or let anyone find out that he is already a sex offender, Miss Morgandorfer went directly to Rabbi Milt Schwartzberg to apprise him of the situation, at which point Schwartzberg high fived Morgandorfer for the decision she made at how to handle the quandary.
“She dun good,” Rabbi Milt said to himself, in his own head. “She dun real good. Look, when it all comes down to it, this is the Bible Belt. And not only is it the Bible Belt, we’re a Messianic congregation. It doesn’t matter what’s actually happening within these walls, it only matters what appears to be happening to the rest of the Messianic movement. If the wider community doesn’t see us as spotless, then we’re doing something very very wrong. Nevermind if we’re actually doing something wrong; I just want to be able to make it look like everything is okay when I see my peers at the conferences we attend together. And anyway, Yeshua said, ‘Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone.’ And they’re all sinners too, so who are they to judge us? Who is anyone to judge us? We’re fine. It’s fine. This is all fine.”
At press time, Tikvat Shalom continues to operate under the pretense that everything is okay, and all attendees of their congregation have done no wrong and have experienced or caused no trauma.
*******If you know of any affiliated Messianic Congregations where some or all of the leadership is covering up rape or any other kind of sexual, physical, spiritual, verbal, or other type of abuse directed at you or anyone else, and you are not comfortable reporting it yourself, let us know and we’ll report it to the affiliated organization for you.*******