Category Archives: Messianic Organizations

MJAA Will Only Renew Your Membership in 2017 if You Type “Amen” and Share Their Facebook Post

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Springfield, PA – The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced, this week, a change in policy for renewing membership for 2017. In the past you were able to just fill out a short form, pay the annual membership fee, and be on your merry way. But it’s a new day and The MJAA likes to stay on top of social media trends. Membership renewal will be no exception to this.

“Most organizations will up the membership fee every now and again, in order to keep up with inflation,” explained MJAA Treasurer, Rabbi Eric Lakatos. “In lieu of raising the fee, we opted to offset the cost by ensuring that all MJAA members are serious about being part of our organization. The way we do this is simple; in early 2017 we will be posting on Facebook about our membership fees staying the same price. If you’d like to renew your membership for 2017 you must do three things: 1) You must like our Facebook page 2) You must type ‘Amen’ on the post about membership 3) You must share our post with all of your friends. We are keeping track of who is following directions and your membership will not be renewed if you do not complete these steps, which will force you to pay full price for all your stays at The Rosen.”

MJAA membership is expected to drop greatly in 2017 due to people who do not follow these directions, as well as those rare few who are not on Facebook. For more information about MJAA membership you may visit http://mjaa.org/membership/

 

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Local Jewish Couple Accidentally Buys Gym Membership From the YMJA

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Ft. Lauderdale, FL – A South Florida couple has accidentally purchased a gym membership from the Young Messianic Jewish Alliance of America. While searching for local YMCAs in their area, the couple accidentally stumbled upon the YMJA website.

The couple claims that after going onto the YMJA website, they were immediately drawn to choosing this location as their new gym, because of the effective marketing campaign put in place by the YMJA.

Sandy Rosenplaza had this to say on the matter: “The entire YMJA website was filled with slogans talking about ‘challenging young people’ and ‘getting involved, excited, and revived,’ which really caught our attention initially.” However, Sandy’s husband, Harold, claims that, “What really sealed the deal was the one-time only down payment of just $10.00 for a year-long membership!”

The YMJA, on the other hand, had a very interesting perspective on the mix up. A spokesperson for the YMJA claims that this is how the real story went: “The Rosenplazas reached out to us and inquired about our workout plans, and we told them that the YMJA and MJAA are always looking for opportunities to sit down with the greater Jewish community to work out our theological differences! However, we were a little confused as to why they were so adamant about paying us $10.00 for a membership, when they are clearly past the age of 30…”

 

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Guest Post by Nathanial Hackett | Harrison Ford Named as Key Note Speaker for Upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference

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Orlando, FL – In light of the Star Wars craze, Rabbis everywhere are desperate to gain more knowledge or intimately know more about Stars Wars and Rogue One.  So they sought עדַיָ, who they find, through Google, is a character of Star Wars.  While the transliteration was incorrectly spelled “Yoda,” they originally asked for him to speak at the upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando next month.  Finding he was over 900 years old, they felt the trip might be exhaustive, so they sought after the next eldest Jewish Guy, Harrison Ford.

While not Messianic, Harrison Ford said he could understand dying in order to save the galaxy or even just one person, like a son, for example.  He said he is not sure about walking on water, but he has known several Skywalkers, so he thinks his knowledge is broad enough. He is also willing to share many stories and insight to the younger single Rabbis on how to woo young JAPs; Jewish Alderaanian Princesses.  He did warn that a career of smuggling is not the best resume and said, quite frankly, JAPs have big Daddy issues and strange brother sister closeness, and suggested avoiding them, unless they are very rich.

Ford suggested that Star Wars was critical to everyday life, as so many of the younger generations already know.  In honor of the importance of Rogue One, and Star Wars in general, he suggested switching the Manischewitz out for Blue Milk.  He also suggested that all Menorahs replace the candles with miniature lightsabers.  This should draw in young people by the thousands…If not, then you can always try free movie tickets…

 

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Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council Encouraging Anyone Involved in the Messianic Movement to Convert to PDF

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West Haven, CT – The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council issued a statement this week encouraging anyone involved in the Messianic Movement to convert to PDF. The announcement came shortly after the great MJRC Microsoft Word Disaster of ’16, in which Rabbi Stuart Dauermann had one of his files hacked and changed to make it look like he actually has no sense of humor.

The statement was released by MJRC Executive Director, Rabbi Tony Eaton via an e-mail blast. The statement read as such:

“Dear Messianic Jews:

Due to a recent issue in which Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann’s Microsoft Word files were hacked and made to look like he had no sense of humor, we are now encouraging all Messianic Jews and non-Jews to convert to PDF. Converting to PDF is an incredibly important practice to have as part of your life and also shows that you are serious about your commitment to your documents. Converting to PDF makes your documents official, and much less likely to be tampered with, should they fall into the wrong hands. Please take the time to pray about automatically converting all of your documents to PDF, so as to protect your precious documents that are a gift from Adonai. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Tony Eaton”

At the advisement of the MJRC, there is expected to be a rise in Messianics converting to PDF, which is previously unheard of within Messianic Judaism. If you’d like more information about the MRJC conversion to PDF process please visit www.ourrabbis.org

 

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New YMJA Director of Operations, Sabra Waldman, Bans ‘Insignificant’ Brands of Hummus From All Future YMJA Functions

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Philadelphia, PA – A big announcement came out of the YMJA Executive Committee meetings in Philadelphia this week, as newly hired Director of Operations, Sabra Waldman, announced a ban on ‘insignificant’ brands of hummus from all future YMJA functions, including, but not limited to Cedar’s, Tribe, Trader Joe’s, and homemade incarnations. This is Waldman’s first major decision as part of the YMJA staff.

“As you probably guessed, Sabra Hummus is named after me,” Waldman explained in an interview. “Believe it or not, the Waldman family does actually own the company. I know that snacks are a huge part of YMJA functions, and as the new Director of Operations, I want to make it very clear that, even though the leadership has recently changed, I am here for every YMJA member and I want to be very actively involved. The best way to do that is to have my name everywhere as a reminder of that. And, yes, Sabra Hummus was recently recalled, due to ‘Listeria.’ We did plan, intentionally, for that to happen around my coming aboard to the YMJA; there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

YMJA members attending Regional conferences, retreats, ARCH Leadership Summit, and Messiah Conference can expect to find every variety of Sabra Hummus at future functions, in addition to other Sabra brand dips, such as guacamole, Greek yogurt dip, and salsa. Any YMJA member found sneaking in other brands of hummus will be subject to disciplinary action, including and up to eating said contraband without the use of their hands or utensils, via live stream on the YMJA Facebook page, as the crowd looks on. Punishments will also be Snapchatted and Instagrammed.

 

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Famed Rosen Plaza Hotel to Lift Lifelong Ban on Messianic Conferences

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Orlando, FL – The luxurious Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando, FL announced this week it will finally allow the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America to hold conferences and other Rabbinical and executive meetings on its premises. The announcement comes just in time for the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, which will take place at The Rosen this coming weekend.

Susan Smith, a representative from The Rosen explained their thought process in a press release: “It’s nothing against their religion, so much as their culture, that we have not allowed them here in the past. We just don’t care for their matchmaking and their shofar blowing and their constant need to have food in every single room during all their events. Once they explained to us that if we lift the ban they will have 14 conferences and events here per year, we realized we were throwing money out the door by not letting them hold events here. So there you have it. We will also be providing complimentary shofar resistant ear plugs to all hotel guests during Messianic events on site.”

The MJAA is so grateful so have a new home for their annual events and will celebrate by holding three conferences at The Rosen within the next month: The MJAA Southeast Regional Conference December 16-18, The IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference January 2-5, and The YMJA ARCH Leadership Summit January 13-16. For more information about the upcoming Messianic conferences held at The Rosen please visit mjaa.org, iamcs.org, and ymja.org

 

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MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂