Jonathan Cahn Calculates Apocalypse Happened Two Years Ago, Locks Himself in Emergency Bunker

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BREAKING: It has now been just over four hours since New York Times best-selling author, Rabbi Jonathan Cahn, locked himself into the emergency fallout shelter in his backyard with his wife and children. According to Congregation Beth Israel member, Sam Shapiro, the situation apparently began at the Rabbi’s office earlier this morning.

“I had a 9:30 A.M. meeting with him,” said Shapiro, “but at 9:45 he was still locked in his office; I think he was working on his message for the Messiah Conference. Anyway, I could kind of hear him through the door. He was clearly agitated, and kept saying something about the mystery being all wrong. I finally went to knock on his door to see if he was okay, and when he came out he had this wild look in his eyes. He grabbed me by the shoulders and said, ‘It’s started. It’s started and we didn’t even know. Get to the shelters!!’ Then he just ran out of the building and drove off.” 

Upon looking into the Rabbi’s office, Shapiro noticed five open Bibles and a stack of notes. “The notes were a real mess, filled with a jumble of dates, calculations and verse references. Right at the top of the first page, Rabbi Cahn had written the word ‘APOCALYPSE,’ and directly underneath it he’d written a date: April 13, 2017. It was underlined like five times and circled repeatedly. Apparently he’d calculated out the date of the Apocalypse, and it’s already happened. I’m no expert, but I looked through the notes and the math seems solid. Who’d have thought, right?”

Friends and relatives have gathered at the Rabbi’s home, attempting to force their way into the shelter or otherwise coax him out, but so far have met with no success. Communication with Cahn has been limited, but from what little can be heard through the thick, lead-lined door, it appears they may have to prepare themselves for a long wait, as the Rabbi seemingly plans to remain barricaded within until the calculated end of the Apocalypse approximately five years from now.

As for the members of the Rabbi’s congregation, most seem to be taking his concern to heart. “If the Rabbi says the end of days is here, it’s here,” said Jessica Cohen. “I’ve got a shelter, and I plan on getting in there as soon as my cleaners come by next week to spruce it up a bit.”

“Sadly, I don’t have a shelter of my own,” said Josh Isenberg. “It’s kind of hard to build something like that when you live in an apartment. But I’m in talks with a few of the other members, and hopefully I’ll have a place to wait out the rest of the Apocalypse within the next month or so.”

As for Shapiro, he seems to have a somewhat more pragmatic view of things. “I mean, sure, it’s the apocalypse, but it hasn’t been too bad these first two years, so I think I’ll just ride it out up here. Besides, I talked to a few of the others and none of their shelters have Netflix. So yeah, I’m good.”

 

 

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Auditions for Yeshua HaMashiach Superstar to Take Place at Messiah Conference Next Month

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Grantham, PA — Groundbreaking news from the MJAA this week, as Messiah Conference is planning to produce its first ever full length musical at the 2020 Conference, with auditions taking place next month. The show will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar,” with the title and lyrics being changed to fall in line with Messianic Culture. Host of popular Messianic radio show, “Bagels and Blessings,” Ethel Chadwick, will direct the historic event.

“I am so excited to make history with Messiah Conference’s first ever Broadway musical performance next year!!!” Chadwick announced on Facebook. “I do have to let everyone know that a few of the roles have already been filled: Rebecca Rudolf will be playing the part of Miriam Magdalene. Joel Chernoff insisted that he play Yeshua, or else we will have to cancel the entire thing, saying the fact that his initials are ‘JC’ is a sign! As well, Pontius Pilate will be played by Marc Vidito. All other roles are wide open and I encourage anyone with a love of theatre to audition! It’s going to be great!”

Auditions will be held at Messiah Conference on Wednesday, July 3rd at 9am in the High Center – Parmer Hall, with rehearsals taking place over video chat, throughout the year. Please prepare 16 bars of your favorite Lamb song, and come dressed to learn a light dance combo. 

If this production goes well, plans are in place to host future productions of Godspell and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joel Chernoff has also been cast in the respective leads of those productions.

 

 

 

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Messiah Conference 2019 Livestream to Move to Five Second Delay After Guest Speaker Drops Four Letter Word on Stage

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Grantham, PA  — Messiah Conference 2019 is quickly approaching, with the early bird registration due next month already. After many months of discussion, the MJAA Executive Committee has made the difficult decision to move this year’s livestream to a five second delay, after a series of unfortunate events at the 2018 parley.

“Last year’s conference had some…unexpected incidents that we have never had to deal with before,” MJAA Executive Board Member, Rabbi David Chernoff, explained in a Facebook post, early this morning. “For a number of years now, we have offered a livestream of the conference, for those who are unable to attend. The livestream of Messiah Conference gets anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 views every year, depending on whether you’re using actual metrics, or just wishful thinking. Last year, we invited the Founder of the Israel Empowerment Lobby, Eli Nacht, to speak on the main stage, and The Ruach moved him to let everyone know what ‘BS’ stands for. But that’s not all: Susan Perlman, from Jews for Jesus, showed everyone her underwear, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff told us about his sex life, with all four of his children on stage behind him, and three of our musicians sang ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Jehovah.’ All of these things, coupled with the fact that we still allow Kevin Solomon to speak in public, means we have no choice but to take precautions to make sure any further instances will not be made public. We do have an image to uphold here. So, if you’d like to continue seeing Messiah Conference live and uncensored, I’m sorry, but you will have to come see it in person this year.”

While this year’s presentation may be restricted for the livestream audience, we have found the secret stash of all the aforementioned videos from last year’s conference. Warning: Parts of Messiah Conference 2018 is Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of Messianic America.

 

 

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YMJA Curfew Golem Runs Amok, Causes Chaos At Messiah Conference 2017

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Grantham, PA – What started as a noble attempt at curbing teenage hooliganism at Messiah Conference quickly spun out of control, deteriorating into a catastrophe of truly massive scope by the end of the week. After three nights of flawless, efficient curfew enforcement, on Wednesday afternoon the YMJA’s experimental new golem suddenly began terrorizing the campus, leaving a trail of minor injuries and major property damage in its wake.

While the investigation into the cause of this debacle is still ongoing, early reports indicate that it began when one or more YMJA leaders decided to expand the golem’s duties, amending its life-giving instruction scroll to include enforcement of all other YMJA rules as well as the curfew. The identities of the leaders in question have so far not been released, but those following the investigation have noted that much of the scrutiny seems to be directed toward newly elected YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, and the now former YMJA Vice President, Danielah Blackburn.

Regardless of the culprits’ identities, what followed is beyond dispute. Upon receiving these new, considerably more complex instructions, the golem promptly went about hunting down and apprehending supposed rule-breakers, many of whom were clearly innocent of the infractions for which they had been targeted. “I just suddenly felt this massive hand on my shoulder,” said Jason Jenkins. “This unimaginably deep voice said, ’No drugs or alcohol,’ and next thing I knew I was being lifted up into the air and carried away. I kept trying to explain that it was only a cough drop, but the golem just wouldn’t listen.”

Jenkins was far from the only attendee to suffer the golem’s undeserved wrath. According to Nick Lewis, a member of the YMJA leadership team, he and his wife had just settled in for the night on Thursday when their dorm room door burst off its hinges. “Before we could even react, it walked over and lifted the entire bed over its head with us in it. It kept screaming ‘Purple!’ over and over again. Purple is YMJA code for someone being in the room of someone of the opposite gender, and apparently the golem didn’t realize that the rule doesn’t apply to married couples sharing a room.”

Even those beyond the purview of the YMJA weren’t safe from the golem’s enforcement, as the crowd in the main auditorium discovered on Wednesday evening. “Rabbi David Chernoff had just started his message when this giant clay monstrosity lumbered onto the stage behind him,” recalled Jonathan Rutter. “It yelled ‘dress code violation’ really loudly, then wrapped the Rabbi in a massive bear hug and dragged him off stage. I heard that when security finally tracked it down, the whole YMJA exec committee was yelling at it that a crooked tallit is not a valid dress code issue.”

The golem’s reign of terror and overly zealous legalism finally came to an end on Friday afternoon when it tried to apprehend a group of children for possession of toy lightsabers, which it deemed a violation of the “no weapons” rule. Upon being grabbed, a young girl named Joelle Hackett became fascinated by the star-shaped clay medallion on the creature’s chest. She pulled it off to investigate it more closely, not even realizing as she did so that it contained the words that gave the thing life. Once the words were removed, the golem immediately became inert, at which point it was a simple matter to smash the thing and burn its instruction scroll. In the end, no trace was left of it but the numerous bruises, smashed door frames, and traumatic memories that it had caused.

While obviously disappointed by the golem’s failure, the YMJA executive team has vowed to continue to perfect the art of rule enforcement in future years. “I seem to remember Rabbi Kevin [Solomon] saying something about training a pack of curfew dogs,” Blackburn was heard saying. “Maybe we should look into that.”

 

 

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Rebecca Rudolf to be Abducted by Aliens Live On Stage at Messiah Conference

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Grantham, PA — Every annual conference has their yearly traditions, something you can always look forward to seeing or doing every time you go, and Messiah Conference is no exception. One of those traditions is a modern dance performed by Rebecca Rudolf, who incorporates choreography and special effects, typically using green screen animation. This year, Rebecca will venture to do something never been done before, as she is abducted by aliens live on stage.

“I knew, after my epic dance, ‘Flashlight,’ last year, that I was going to have to pull out all the stops this year, if I want to top that,” Rudolf stated, in an exclusive interview. “I normally use green screen for the special effects, but this year I actually found a spaceship of friendly aliens that agreed to fly into the auditorium and beam me up into the ship, live on stage. It’s definitely going to be one of the highlights of Messiah 2017. Also, please don’t publish this until after Conference is over. I want it to be a surprise.”

Rudolf’s 2017 dance is so under wraps, we weren’t even able to find out which night she will be performing. If you aren’t going to Messiah Conference, you can join 55,000 others who watch the livestream to see the performance of a lifetime, as well as all of the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service. Just visit http://messiahconference.org/live/. And don’t worry if you’re not able to watch live; all the videos will be available online the following day.

 

 

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Guest Post by Anonymous | Messianic Judaism Sees Major Wave of Circumcision Reversal Surgeries for Gentiles

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Brooklyn, New York’s fastest growing Plastic Surgery practice attributes their intense level of growth to the large number of Brit Milah reversal procedures performed upon Messianic Gentiles who, upon embarking on their journey to follow Messianic Judaism with full commitment of heart, “committing their life and limb,” so to speak, were circumcised. Peter Tipoff, a former Baptist, who while searching Scriptures and was stunned to find out Yeshua (Jesus) was Jewish, was led to search for Jewish people who believed in Yeshua. His search led him to a Messianic Synagogue in a major Northeast city and he started attending services regularly. When interviewed, Tipoff said, “I felt so at home and such a part of the family, I began first to use Hebrew terms, then advanced to wearing a kippah and tallit in synagogue. After a while I started to wear tzitzit on my belt loops. From there I felt it was time that I ‘went all in’ and had a Brit Milah.” It was only after further investigating that Tipoff found that the Scriptures do not require Gentiles to fulfill the mitzvah of circumcision.

Plastic Surgeon, Doctor T. Ikun, stated, “I never expected to see so many Gentile men who loved God so much they were willing to suffer so much to feel like part of the family.” He also added, “I never imagined that almost half of my practice would involve this kind of restoration surgery.”

A local Messianic Rabbi, who asked not to be identified, shared with us, “Messianic Judaism’s attraction to people of the Nations grew so quickly that we were somewhat unprepared for the sudden growth and were a little behind in trying to nip this in the bud. But we think we are making progress in teaching and hope to see a marked decline in the need for reversal surgeries.”

It is our hope Doctor T. Ikun’s practice can return shortly to primarily working on nose jobs.

 

 

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