Category Archives: Holidays

Guest Post by Nathanial Hackett | Harrison Ford Named as Key Note Speaker for Upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference

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Orlando, FL – In light of the Star Wars craze, Rabbis everywhere are desperate to gain more knowledge or intimately know more about Stars Wars and Rogue One.  So they sought עדַיָ, who they find, through Google, is a character of Star Wars.  While the transliteration was incorrectly spelled “Yoda,” they originally asked for him to speak at the upcoming IAMCS Rabbi’s Conference in Orlando next month.  Finding he was over 900 years old, they felt the trip might be exhaustive, so they sought after the next eldest Jewish Guy, Harrison Ford.

While not Messianic, Harrison Ford said he could understand dying in order to save the galaxy or even just one person, like a son, for example.  He said he is not sure about walking on water, but he has known several Skywalkers, so he thinks his knowledge is broad enough. He is also willing to share many stories and insight to the younger single Rabbis on how to woo young JAPs; Jewish Alderaanian Princesses.  He did warn that a career of smuggling is not the best resume and said, quite frankly, JAPs have big Daddy issues and strange brother sister closeness, and suggested avoiding them, unless they are very rich.

Ford suggested that Star Wars was critical to everyday life, as so many of the younger generations already know.  In honor of the importance of Rogue One, and Star Wars in general, he suggested switching the Manischewitz out for Blue Milk.  He also suggested that all Menorahs replace the candles with miniature lightsabers.  This should draw in young people by the thousands…If not, then you can always try free movie tickets…

 

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Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Survey

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

Messianic Synagogue Starts Bi-Organizational Pride Group

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Denver, CO – Being an active member of the Messianic Movement has enough challenges on its own when you blend in with the crowd, but some congregations have found they can’t live with themselves if they pretend like they only belong with UMJC or only belong with the MJAA. Some congregations, like Beth Yeshua, in Denver, have recognized that they need to go against the grain of Messianic society and be part of both of the main Messianic congregational organizations, lest they miss out on being true to themselves.

“There’s definitely a lot of pressure to commit to just one organization,” Congregational Rabbi Chaim Weitz explained, “But we identify with both the MJAA and the UMJC. I know there are other congregations that feel the same way, but are afraid to admit it, so I’ve started this group to support the other congregations that want to be part of both the MJAA and the UMJC and hope they’ll be able to admit to themselves that they go both ways. And it’s okay. As Messianic Jews we are constantly straddling two worlds: being Jewish and believing in Jesus. You throw in being part of both the MJAA and the UMJC to the mix and oy gevalt, you know? Your world of like minded individuals just gets even smaller. We, at Beth Yeshua, are openly bi-organizational and very proud. It’s a shame there aren’t more congregations that feel the same way. Maybe if there were, I wouldn’t have to choose between the IAMCS [MJAA] Rabbi’s conference and the UMJC Rabbi’s conference. Stop hiding your true feelings; don’t worry what other people are going to think about you if you join both organizations. God still loves you anyway. In fact, He probably loves you more if you do.”

Mazel Tov, Rabbi Weitz, on being so open and in touch with your true feelings and not pandering to societal norms. We hope this will open the door for other congregations to follow in your footsteps and come out as bi-organizational. And why not be part of both organizations anyway? They do share a Facebook profile, after all.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It

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Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.

“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”

While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.

Miri in the Village Admits to Once Having Smoked Potstickers

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Raleigh, NC – Popular Messianic DIY and Kosher food blogger, Miri in the Village, admitted this week she once smoked potstickers when she was first starting to cook. Miri is now considered the Messianic Martha Stewart, but once upon a time, even Martha Stewart had to start from the beginning. Miri is not exempt from once having been a beginner, though most people don’t make an error that gets so much media attention.

“I was young and naive,” Miri stated in an interview early yesterday morning. “It was just an experiment that not only went wrong, but now haunts my entire career and my life. I swear it was a one time thing and I would never do it again. I’ve learned my lesson: it’s okay to smoke the meat inside of potstickers, but it’s not okay to smoke potstickers themselves. I now only fry or steam them. And I make a lot of Kosher Asian food these days. You can visit my web site for some recipes, none of which involve smoking potstickers.”

Miri’s Father-in-Law, a Messianic Rabbi who chose to remain nameless, was heard to say: “Smoke potstickers?! No Grandbaby Mama of mine would ever do such a thing. I’ve never heard of this woman in my life. Oh, you’re talking about food? Okay, yeah, I know her. Her food is wonderful.”

Here, at The Messianic Meow, we think Miri has recited The Al Chet enough times in her life to atone for this mistake and she has been forgiven. For awesome Kosher recipes and DIY projects please visit www.miriinthevillage.com

If the Al Chet Were Written in 2016

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So every year on Yom Kippur we recite a prayer called the Al Chet, which is a prayer of confession that helps us atone for our sins for the previous year. The Al Chet was written a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. Here’s what I think the Al Chet might read like if it were written in 2016 (feel free to add your own):

•For the sin we have sinned before You by verbally abusing Siri.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by abusing hashtags.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Snapchatting pictures and videos of people who are sleeping.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by taking first world problems seriously.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by the times we couldn’t even.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by not labeling our food porn.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by putting a “D” in front of the word “awwww.”
•For the sin we have sinned before you by sarcastically thanking Obama when something went wrong that wasn’t his fault.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by using the term “on fleek.”
•For the sin we have sinned before You by asking our restaurant server to list every single salad dressing they have and then just ordering Ranch.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by eating Ranch dressing.
•For the sin we have sinned before You by Facebook stalking our ex’s current significant other, even though we are much better looking and yellow is so not her color.

Ve-al kulam, Elo’ah selichot, selach lanu, mechal lanu, kaper lanu.
For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us.