Category Archives: Health

Rabbi Jonathan Cahn Publishes New Diet Book, ‘The Mystery of the Fatted Calf’

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Rabbi Jonathan Cahn has taken the Messianic and Christian worlds by storm with his best-selling novel The Harbinger. But now he seeks to conquer another realm – the realm of health and nutrition. Cahn’s new diet book, The Mystery of the Fatted Calf, was released this week in Christian bookstores nationwide, and it has absolutely everybody talking.

“Throughout the Scriptures, the fatted calf appears as a symbol of God’s favor,” said Rabbi Cahn in a press release about the book. “When God and His angels visit Abraham in Genesis 18, the fatted calf is the meal which Abraham prepares for them. In the parable of the prodigal son, the father gives an order for the fatted calf to be prepared as a celebratory feast. It is a symbol of our communion with The Creator, a feast that consummates our reconciliation with our God through acceptance of the Messiah. In this book, I combine in-depth Biblical study with the latest in cutting-edge nutritional research to unlock the mysteries of this marvelous wonder food which God has provided, and reveal how we can utilize it to maximize our health and even increase our lifespans.”

So, is Cahn’s revolutionary new diet plan the real deal? Well, obviously it will take a while before we can judge the long-term effects, but early reviews sound promising. “This book is a revelation, plain and simple,” writes Greg Whitman of Christian literary review journal Holy Handwriting. “[Rabbi] Cahn has an immense gift for finding previously undiscovered connections between passages and tying them together into a cohesive whole, and this book is perhaps his crowning achievement in that regard. Verses which once seemed unrelated blend effortlessly and seamlessly together as he delves deeper into the Word, backing it all up with a wide array of dietary studies to emphasize the fundamental unity of Scripture and reveal God’s divine will for our diets. Long live the fatted calf!”

Jake Liebowitz of The Messianic Gazette was similarly enthusiastic. “While it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the whirlwind of numbers and references that Rabbi Cahn throws at you,” he writes, “it’s hard to argue with the results. The fatted calf is truly God’s greatest dietary gift to man, and one that all followers of Messiah should feel blessed to receive. If I wasn’t a vegetarian, I’d be eating at least a steak a day.”

However, Cahn hasn’t won over everyone just yet. While Michael Weisman of Messianic Health Review praises the book’s wealth of information, he maintains a bit of skepticism about the diet. “Sadly,” he writes, “for all the complexity of Cahn’s bold new dietary theory, I still find myself unconvinced by his conclusions, and certain sections – the part about dietary adjustments during blood moons, for example – feel like a bit of a stretch. Still, Rabbi Cahn definitely provides a massive amount of raw data to sift through, and the end result leaves any reader with a lot to think about. The theory may well have value, and certainly merits further investigation. I’m just saying don’t bet the whole hog (or calf, as the case may be) on it until further studies confirm the esteemed Rabbi’s findings.”

Regardless of Weisman’s reservations, plenty of believers seem quite eager to test out Cahn’s groundbreaking new dietary concepts. The Mystery of the Fatted Calf has leapt to the top of bestseller lists nationwide, and sales of beef and steak have shown a sharp spike as thousands of faithful embrace what Cahn calls “the chosen meal for the chosen people.” As for the author, he insists his work on his theory is far from over. As he gears up for a whirlwind speaking tour in support of his new book, the Rabbi pledges to continue to refine his work, incorporating the latest dietary research and newly discovered obscure Biblical connections into his messages to ensure the most accurate possible information.  After all, when it comes to radical new diets, you have to be careful – there’s a lot at steak.

 

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Rabbi Tim Hyslip Found to Actually Be Superman

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Glendale, AZ – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute found that Rabbi Tim Hyslip of Congregation Baruch HaShem, near Phoenix, is actually Superman. The study began in December after Rabbi Tim suffered a Level 3 Embolic Stroke in his right frontal lobe and was released from the hospital within four days. This marks the first medical related study from the behavior institute.

“Rabbi Tim’s stroke coordinator referred to him as a ‘walking miracle’ and we can’t exactly argue with her there,” explained Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “For someone barely into their 40s to have a stroke the size of an adult male’s fist and be out of the hospital in less than a handful of days…I mean obviously something is going on here that we can’t see. Other than God performing a modern day miracle, of course. I started to suspect that Rabbi Tim may be Superman when he was released from the hospital. First of all, it’s a well known fact that Superman is Jewish. Second of all, Superman and Rabbi Tim have never been seen in the same room at the same time, so that definitely tipped me off. And third of all, and I cannot stress this enough…’walking miracle’ or hidden super powers? You be the judge. Fortunately for us we were able to get a sample of Rabbi Tim’s blood from the hospital and have run extensive tests, the results of which we have finally received from our friends at the CDC. Normally the CDC would not be helping with something like this, but they were incredibly intrigued. Anyway, Rabbi Tim did, in fact, test positive for a Kryptonite allergy, proving that he is definitely Superman. This may also explain why he insists on changing clothes in phone booths.”

While Rabbi Tim does possess super human recovery powers, unfortunately he and his family of seven do not have super human make-money-appear-out-of-nowhere powers, and still have to figure out how to pay for the medical bills acquired from this already stressful ordeal. Please consider helping them out by donating here: https://www.gofundme.com/timhyslipmedicalfund

 

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Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Local Messianic Congregation Folds After Weekly Oneg is Skipped

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St. Louis, MO – Temple Brit Chadasha has, very sadly, closed its doors this week after 26 years of service to the Messianic Community of St. Louis. The congregation shut down after just two weeks of not having a weekly oneg. 62 year old Ruth Goldfinger, who is in charge of coordinating the onegs, was in the hospital having a Hysterectomy, and was therefore unable to fulfill her oneg-ly duties. Being that there was no runner up to take over organizing these post congregational meals, the weekly tradition was temporarily canceled until Goldfinger could be back on her feet. Unfortunately, the lack of patience in the congregants prevented them from coming altogether, knowing there would be no meal waiting for them after the Rabbi’s sermon ended.

“As long as I’ve been a believer I’ve been told to only go where I’m fed,” former congregant, Betsy Morgandorffer, told The Messianic Times. “We’re definitely not being fed here and it’s time to move on now. If I’m gonna sit through a Torah service and a 45 minute sermon you best be feeding me bagels and cream cheese with lox and a side of overly ripe fruit afterwards. The only thing that sets Messianic Synagogues apart from Secular Synagogues is the fact that we have oneg after services. I may as well be Orthodox at this point.”

Morgandorffer and her fellow congregants have all disbursed to various other congregations, including churches and secular Synagogues. Everyone has completely forgotten about poor Ruth Goldfinger and her health issues and is just focusing on themselves and their want for free food, which they are definitely not getting at their respective new congregations either. At least if they had just been patient and waited for Ruth to return, the onegs would have started back up again. Or, better yet, someone else could have stepped up to organize it. Aww who’m I kidding? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

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Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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It Turns Out 2 Chronicles 7:14 is Not Actually About America

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2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)

With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.

It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.

I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.

So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.

 

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Matt Rosenberg’s Assistant Rabbi Injures Self in Freak Guitar String Changing Accident; Turns Incident Into Profit

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Seattle, WA – Last week, Aybars Uckun, Assistant Rabbi of Restoration Seattle (soon to be Yeshualand Seattle), cut his eye in a freak guitar string changing accident. What would normally be nothing to fret over became a huge ordeal that sent Aybars to the doctor and forced him to have to temporarily wear an eye patch. Fortunately, quick thinking Aybars was able to take the horrific occurrence and make it profitable for himself, in less than a week’s time.

The forlorn Aybars took his experience and is now using it to help others who may find themselves in a hazardous situation that involves changing strings on an instrument. He is now producing special ocular protection to prevent other similar injuries that he is calling “Aybars’ Eye Bars,” which is pictured below.

visor

“Okay, so it’s technically the VISOR that LeVar Burton wore in Star Trek, and it’s technically copyright infringement,” said Aybars in his newly released infomercial, “but the Messianic movement is much too small for anyone in the secular world to care about those minor details. Besides, I’m doing people a favor by making sure they don’t poke themselves in the eye with those dangerous guitar strings. If anything, Star Trek should be thanking me for helping guitar players live long and prosper.”

Aybars’ Eye Bars will be available at all Yeshualand gift shops, as well as Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores nationwide, to start. When asked how he was able to make all of this happen so quickly, Aybars replied, “I pulled some strings.”

 

 

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