Category Archives: Conferences

Messianic Woman Feels Absolutely No Pressure to Find Messianic Spouse

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Tampa, FL – 25 year old Rachel Levin, of Shoresh David Messianic Synagogue, recently posted a Facebook update exclaiming how glad she was to feel zero pressure to find a Messianic spouse. She plans to find a nice Christian boy someday and is so grateful that she is free to do just that.

“I’m so thankful that I’m part of a community that doesn’t care at all who or when I marry,” the Facebook post stated. “Nobody will ever try to set me up with someone or get upset when I find a boyfriend who isn’t Messianic. Especially the old Bubbes in my congregation, and there are certainly a lot of them. I can get married to someone who has never even met a Jewish person before and eats ham and has a Christmas tree and doesn’t even want our children to be Jewish and it will be okay, because nobody will stick their nose in our business. I am just so blessed. Thank you to the entire Messianic Community for never trying to find me a spouse at a conference or telling me you have a friend who has a friend who knows someone Messianic who would be a great husband for me. Just thank you for not caring at all who I wind up with. Just thank you.”

Rachel is just one of many young Messianics who will never have to worry about being set up with someone just because they’re Messianic, because that’s not how we play in Messianic Judaism. We are all free to marry whomever we want and there is no pressure to find a spouse ASAP. Thank you, Messianic culture, for a pressure free love life, or lack thereof. You are the best.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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Meme

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And the winner of the first ever Messianic Meow caption contest is Craig Arbour. Mazel tov, Craig!

 

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New Insect Found Speaking in Tongues Dubbed “Praying Mantis”

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Limón Province, Pococí, Costa Rica – A new insect species was discovered this week in the Tortuguero National Park in Costa Rica. The species was found making noises that resemble human beings speaking in tongues, and was, therefore, dubbed the “Praying Mantis.” This new species is not to be confused with the more commonly known Praying Mantis, which has the Spiritual Gift of Intercession, rather than Tongues. Of course, this sounds incredibly far-fetched, but experts say it is more prevalent than we think.

“It’s actually very common for insects to have been given Spiritual Gifts,” said Leroy Brown, Head of The International Foundation for Charismatic Entomology. “Example: Spiders have the Gift of Craftsmanship, Crickets the Gift of Creative Communication, and Caterpillars have the Gift of Faith. Typically each insect will each have just one Gift, as opposed to humans who generally have around three. Though rare, some insects may also have more than one Spiritual Gift. Now that we’ve discovered a breed of Mantises that can pray in Tongues, I think we may find that some of them will also be able to intercede with the best of them.”

The new breed of Praying Mantis is thought to be found globally, though more research still needs to be done in order to verify that. While it is wonderful that these insects can pray in Tongues, a species of insects that can interpret Tongues has yet to be discovered. In other news, the first Worldwide Charismatic Insect Conference is currently in the works, to be held at The Rosen Plaza Hotel in the Summer of 2017, where mosquitoes will be recognized as the shofars of the insect world.

 

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Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

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The Messianic Meow to Sell T-shirts That Tell the Entire Messianic Movement That Person Next to You is Not Your Spouse

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Murca – If you’re an adult that has ever been to a Messianic conference or visited a new congregation, odds are you’ve had at least a few people ask you if the person of the opposite sex standing next to you is your husband or wife. While this mostly affects those of the millennial generation, people of all ages have been mistaken for spouses. It’s a common enough occurrence that something needs to be done about it.

“I’ve been through this myself,” said Messianic Meow Creator, Jami Robins. “It’s happened so many times: I was asked if my boyfriend was my husband, I was asked if my brother-in-law was my husband, I was once even asked if my DAD was my husband, just because he was sitting with me during Shabbat services at a UMJC Conference. NO! But the final straw for me was when someone assumed I was my Rabbi’s wife because I was with him in the marketplace at Messiah Conference. ENOUGH. I’m tired of this happening and I had to do something about it. So now we’ve got these t-shirts that people can wear to conferences that simply say on them ‘No, that is not my husband’ or ‘No, that is not my wife.’ There will be no question about it and it will save everyone embarrassment. Yes, you want us to marry other Messianics, and that’s great, but some people just aren’t married to each other. In fact, MOST people aren’t married to each other.”

The new T-shirts will be available online and at The Marketplace at all Regional and National UMJC and MJAA Conferences. Shirts will be $30 individually, with a discount for bulk orders. You will also be able to receive one of these shirts for free with a donation of $18 a month or more through The Messianic Meow Patreon web site. Robins says these shirts will hopefully eliminate the need for older Jewish women to go around asking people they don’t know if they are married to each other. She also said what you’re reading right now is literally an article of clothing.

Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth

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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.

 

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