Category Archives: Politics

Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

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Trump Elected President of the United States; Israel Opens Borders to Messianic Jews for First Time in History

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Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.

“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”

Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at www.jewishagency.org/aliyah/program/8651

 

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Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth

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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.

 

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Survey

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

Joel Chernoff’s “Jew and Gentile” Deemed Culturally, Historically, and/or Aesthetically Important by Library of Congress…

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Washington DC – Joel Chernoff’s iconic song “Jew and Gentile” has been deemed culturally, historically, and/or aesthetically important by the Library of Congress. This is the first time in history any Messianic anything has achieved such an accomplishment.

The Librarian of Congress was quoted as saying, “Ya know, in a time where this country hasn’t been more divided politically since the Civil War, it’s nice to hear songs about people from different backgrounds: Jews and Gentiles, Democrats and Republicans—-coming together, in unity, to make olive oil.”

Various opinions from those on the selecting committee praised how the song’s lyrics so accurately described contemporary American viewpoints regarding the upcoming election.

Harold Rosenplaza, head of the committee, stated, “Specifically, the lyrics ‘Help us Father’ and ‘Dadadee dadadoo, dadadai dadadee, dadoododo’ brought me to tears as I was lighting my Sabbath candles.”

Joel Chernoff has not yet commented on this prestigious award. However, his secretary did mention that he was so honored about receiving the award that he now feels called back to music and has even begun production on two new albums: a collaboration album with Ted Pearce slated to be titled “Jew and Gentile” (in honor of the acclaimed song) and a joyous club zinger called “Dance With Me.”

Congrats Joel!

Guest Post by Matt Nadler | Leaders Debate Whether Evan McMullin’s Pro-Israel Stance is Preferable to Impending Meteor

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Leaders clashed in a sprawling, spirited discussion at the Politics and Faith: Messianic Thinkers Forum, held at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Queens, NY.  Of particular note was the keynote debate: “Pro-Israel Mormon Neoconservatism or Death by Impending Meteor?”

In this forum organized by Chosen People Ministries, Messianic leaders debated whether independent candidate for President Evan McMullin’s pro-Israel views  might, in some sense, be preferable to the apocalyptic destruction sure to be faced by all of humankind for its hedonic rebellion against The Holy One.

In favor of the motion that Evan McMullin’s measured neo-conservativism regarding Israel is preferable to a certain apocalypse were Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer and Dr. Rich Robinson.  Against the motion were Rabbis Paul Saal and Eric Tokajer.

“It is true that we all must face the Creator in the teleological summation of all things, but if I may, this is simply a red herring,” opined Mark Kinzer, speaking for the motion that between Evan McMullin’s sketched out stances supporting Israel, and a deserved apocalypse, we should choose the former, not the latter. “The fact that we must meet our maker at some point does not mean that we should simply wish for it to happen this January.”

“Evan McMullin’s views on Israel, however briefly detailed, bring two issues to the table which are important for us to understand,” explained Rich Robinson, also speaking for the motion. “First of all, he brings a deep respect to Israel’s full sovereignty and self-determination, in regards to any future negotiations or peace process. Second of all, being a sane man, with respect to his position on Israel and foreign policy in general, it is unlikely that he would do anything which would intentionally usher in some of the more problematic events spoken of in the Hazon of Yochanon.”

Arguing against Evan McMullin’s approach to foreign policy, and Israel in particular, Rabbi Saal argued, “This is a year of paradigm shifts. As you know, every year prior to this year is a year in which we have not ushered in the deserved destruction of our species. This is a year to live dangerously. This is the paradigm for our time.”  Before a highly engaged audience, he continued in his now trademarked rhyming cadence, “You tell me what all those ‘hashtag SMOD 2016’ memes mean if not the meanest of the mean, you know what I mean?”

Rabbi Eric Tokajer explained that there was nothing to add to this matter, as it had already been settled in the respective Republican and Democratic primaries.  “SMOD to all, and to all a goodnight,” he calmly concluded.

At the conclusion of the forum, the consensus of those in attendance was that both sides had won, and that there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind. The topic of whether there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind is now the scheduled theme for next year’s Messianic Thinkers Forum, to be held in Irvine, California, in October of 2017.

Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.