Donald Trump Promises to Build Wall Between The MJAA and The UMJC


Murca – Less than a week into his Presidency, Donald Trump is already busy making changes that will affect the entire nation. For once, Messianic Jews are actually being included in Presidential plans, as opposed to being ignored entirely, as if nobody has ever heard of their existence. Not only are Messianics being included, but the biggest issue facing the movement is what’s being targeted here, and that is division.

“President Trump wants to unite by dividing,” Presidential Counselor, Kellyanne Conway explained, in an early morning Press Conference, today. “We keep everyone separated that needs to be, and that will cause peace. Walls keep people from fighting. We all know The MJAA and The UMJC don’t get along, so building a wall between them will keep the issues at bay. Just as Pyramus and Thisbe were separated by a wall and found love through a hole in that wall, so too shall the two largest Messianic congregational organizations. And not only that, but the tithes, offerings, and membership fees for both organizations will pay for the wall to be built, so normal American citizens won’t even have to worry about their taxes being raised. We are making American great again!”

The date and location of the forthcoming Messianic wall are still TBD, but Trump says he plans to use matzah as a building material to 1) save money and 2) make the wall extra sturdy and extra Jewish. This also prompts the phrase “Make America Streit’s again!”


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IAMCS To Implement War on Hugs


Havertown, PA – The Messianic movement is filled with numerous conferences attended by people from all over the nation, and even the world. After not seeing each other for long periods of time, when everyone comes together on the first day of conferences it is inevitable that they love to hug and catch up with their friends. However, over the years things have gotten completely out of control.

The IAMCS/MJAA has announced a campaign called the “War on Hugs,” which is a term to describe the greater, collaborative effort to combat the countless gateway hugs on first days of conferences that lead to extended and pointless small talk, inability to unpack, and enabling of repetitive and/or unoriginal conversation topics.

IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman, commented saying, “We’ve received many complaints from people of all ages. The younger generation is tired of getting hugs from people who only know them through their parents. The older generation is tired of not being able to come up with new conversation topics for the younger generation. And both generations are tired of seeing people show up to the first evening service of conference wearing sweat pants and flip flops because they didn’t have time to unpack!”

The MJAA is already taking action with their annual ARCH Leadership Summit just around the corner. An anonymous source claims they have hired a trained S.W.A.T. team (Sustained Welcome Avoidance Team) to help move people along through the registration lines.

“Of course we want people to greet each other and spread the love of Messiah all throughout conference,” Liberman added, “but we felt that if people are so overwhelmed with hugs and catching up that they can’t even unpack, we may be forced to scrub to the evening service. This is conference, people; not college.”


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Messianic Jews Agree on One Thing: There’s No Right Way to Spell ‘Chanukah,’ But There is a Wrong Way


Shaker Heights, OH – After a recent blunder in the weekly congregational newsletter at Beth Sukkoth Messianic Synagogue, when Rabbi Brian Blacksmith accidentally made an announcement about their upcoming Hanukah [sic] Cookie Contest, congregants were sent into a panic at the addition of yet another spelling of the upcoming Jewish holiday.

“That is NOT how you spell Chanukah!” Elder Daniel Moss blurted out to the congregation, in disgust. “Look, I don’t care how you choose to spell ‘Chanukah,’ as long as you choose between the eight different spellings already in existence. Adding another one is just completely uncalled for. Like we, as Messianic Jews, aren’t famisht enough as it is, now you have to throw another log on the fire. Oy gevalt!”

A second Elder then stood up at threatened to replace Rabbi Blacksmith if he did not redact the new spelling of Chanukah. “All due respect, Rabbi Blacksmith, this is unacceptable. We, as a congregation, do not accept your new spelling of a classic word. What right have you to change a time old tradition? We will not stand for it. We demand you change it at once, lest ye be replaced by Assistant Rabbi Feigenbaum!”

Sadly, Rabbi Blacksmith had no ill intention and simply just did not spell check his newsletter before it went to press. The moral of the story: always use spell check or have a willing congregant, who has volunteered many many times, to check your work for you.

Happy almost Chanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Channukah/Hannukah/Hannukkah!


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Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council Encouraging Anyone Involved in the Messianic Movement to Convert to PDF


West Haven, CT – The Messianic Jewish Rabbinical Council issued a statement this week encouraging anyone involved in the Messianic Movement to convert to PDF. The announcement came shortly after the great MJRC Microsoft Word Disaster of ’16, in which Rabbi Stuart Dauermann had one of his files hacked and changed to make it look like he actually has no sense of humor.

The statement was released by MJRC Executive Director, Rabbi Tony Eaton via an e-mail blast. The statement read as such:

“Dear Messianic Jews:

Due to a recent issue in which Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann’s Microsoft Word files were hacked and made to look like he had no sense of humor, we are now encouraging all Messianic Jews and non-Jews to convert to PDF. Converting to PDF is an incredibly important practice to have as part of your life and also shows that you are serious about your commitment to your documents. Converting to PDF makes your documents official, and much less likely to be tampered with, should they fall into the wrong hands. Please take the time to pray about automatically converting all of your documents to PDF, so as to protect your precious documents that are a gift from Adonai. Thank you for your time.


Rabbi Tony Eaton”

At the advisement of the MJRC, there is expected to be a rise in Messianics converting to PDF, which is previously unheard of within Messianic Judaism. If you’d like more information about the MRJC conversion to PDF process please visit


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Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community


Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.


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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement


Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.


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2017 Re-Branding!


We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Trump Elected President of the United States; Israel Opens Borders to Messianic Jews for First Time in History


Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.

“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”

Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at


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Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth


Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.


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