Category Archives: Food

Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

Posted on by

pollen

Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

Posted on by

eatingicecream

Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

Posted on by

synagoguebuilding

Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

2017 Re-Branding!

Posted on by

elliottcmeow

We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

God Decides Not to Finish What He Began, Stating “I’ll Do it Tomorrow”

Posted on by

imagecomingsoon

Philippians 1:6 tells us God will finish in us what He began. However, human nature leads us to procrastinate. What if God did the same? What would our lives be like if He took a night off?

“Of course I’ll finish what I said I would,” said God The Almighty. “I just didn’t feel like doing it today, okay? I promise it’ll get done, just not today. I just want to binge watch Netflix today. Just give me a break. I’ve been working hard for over 6,000 years and now I just want to sit on the couch with a cold cerveza and some Chipotle and relax. I just want one night to myself. Just one. I’ll do it tomorrow. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine, just give me one night.”

For those who aren’t sinning or whining or complaining to God or praying for Him to take care of things that don’t matter, you have nothing to feel bad about here. For the rest of us, I think maybe we drove God to drink!

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Local Messianic Congregation Folds After Weekly Oneg is Skipped

Posted on by

nooneg

St. Louis, MO – Temple Brit Chadasha has, very sadly, closed its doors this week after 26 years of service to the Messianic Community of St. Louis. The congregation shut down after just two weeks of not having a weekly oneg. 62 year old Ruth Goldfinger, who is in charge of coordinating the onegs, was in the hospital having a Hysterectomy, and was therefore unable to fulfill her oneg-ly duties. Being that there was no runner up to take over organizing these post congregational meals, the weekly tradition was temporarily canceled until Goldfinger could be back on her feet. Unfortunately, the lack of patience in the congregants prevented them from coming altogether, knowing there would be no meal waiting for them after the Rabbi’s sermon ended.

“As long as I’ve been a believer I’ve been told to only go where I’m fed,” former congregant, Betsy Morgandorffer, told The Messianic Times. “We’re definitely not being fed here and it’s time to move on now. If I’m gonna sit through a Torah service and a 45 minute sermon you best be feeding me bagels and cream cheese with lox and a side of overly ripe fruit afterwards. The only thing that sets Messianic Synagogues apart from Secular Synagogues is the fact that we have oneg after services. I may as well be Orthodox at this point.”

Morgandorffer and her fellow congregants have all disbursed to various other congregations, including churches and secular Synagogues. Everyone has completely forgotten about poor Ruth Goldfinger and her health issues and is just focusing on themselves and their want for free food, which they are definitely not getting at their respective new congregations either. At least if they had just been patient and waited for Ruth to return, the onegs would have started back up again. Or, better yet, someone else could have stepped up to organize it. Aww who’m I kidding? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

Posted on by

happy-couple

Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

Support the Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Chicken Soup Little

Posted on by

matzahmansoup

Once upon a time there was a little bowl of Chicken Soup with legs named Chicken Soup Little. One day, Chicken Soup Little was sitting on the floor of her kitchen, when a matzah ball rolled off of the counter and onto her little keppe. “The sky is falling!” She cried. “The sky is falling!” And scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager, so he can close up shop.

On the way, she met up with her friend, Henny Youngman Penny. “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little cried. “How do you know?” Asked Henny Youngman Penny. “I was in my kitchen minding my own business, when a piece of the sky fell down and conked me on the keppe!” Chicken Soup Little Explained. “Oh please,” Henny Youngman Penny retorted. “You’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time. What makes you think it’s the sky?” “Well,” Chicken Soup Little replied. “When I consulted The Googles on falling objects it said it was probably the sky falling!!” “Oh no!” Shrieked Henny Youngman Penny!” “If The Googles told you that it must be true!!! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they ran into Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny screamed. “How do you know?” Asked Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Replied Chicken Soup Little. “Oh please, you’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time!” Turkey Reuben Shmurkey responded. “What makes you think it was the sky?” “I asked The Googles what it could possibly be and it said it was the sky!” Chicken Soup Little yelped. “Oh no!” Yelled Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “If The Googles says it was the sky then it has to have been the sky! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they spotted Hoppel Poppel. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little, Henny Youngman Penny, and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey screamed. “Whoa whoa slow down. I get that you guys are famisht, but what do you mean the sky is falling?” Asked Hoppel Poppel. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Exclaimed Chicken Soup Little. “I know it was the sky because The Googles told me it was!” “Oy gevalt en himmel!” Hoppel Poppel bellowed. “If The Googles told you the sky is falling then surely the sky must be falling! Mach shnell! We must go tell The Deli Manager!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they discovered that farkakta Foxy Loxy waiting in the woods. “Hello, shayna punims.” He said, as he pinched each of them on their cheeks. “What brings you all into the woods today?” “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little blurted out. “The sky is falling! A piece of it fell on me this morning. I used The Googles to confirm it was the sky falling! We are on our way to tell The Deli Manager so he can close up shop!” “Oh dear,” said that farkakta Foxy Loxy. “Well, I know a shortcut to get to The Deli Manager. Why don’t you all step into my den and I will show you?”

And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel all followed that farkakta Foxy Loxy into his den. And, wouldn’t you know, that farkakta Foxy Loxy devoured every single one of them and washed them down with a can of delicious Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda.

And they were never seen or heard from again.

The end.

 

Support The Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

Posted on by

mlr16

Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

Support The Meow: patreon.com/messianicmeow

Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

Posted on by

standingrock

Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

Support the Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow