Colorado Springs, CO — A recent poll published by Christian organization, Focus on the Family, found that lions are considered to be the most sinful animals on the planet. While humans should technically hold that title, some Christian fundamentalists would disagree.
“Of every animal on the entire flat Earth, lions are setting the worst example for our children,” Joy-Dawn N. Myhart, a respondent of the poll, commented. “First of all, they call themselves PRIDES! We all know pride is a sin! Well, at least those of us who know better do! Second of all, they call themselves KINGS, and we all know there’s only one King, and that’s King Jesus! Lions clearly work for the dark one. Just look at the Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan is no roll model. He will just lead your children into watching a movie about witchcraft! Do not fall for it! Plus that clip of Kanye Kardashian’s daughter, North by Northwest playing Simba in the Lion King is all over the internet right now. That family is certainly working for the devil himself. Case in point!”
The full results for this poll will be available soon. Click here to see a partial list of most sinful animals.
Cupertino, CA —- Technology giant, Apple, Inc, has come under fire this week, after its alleged ninja emoji is said to appear to look like a member of the Palestinian terror group, Hamas. With the war at hand, and an unprecedented rise in global antisemitism, it’s now more important than ever for Apple to make sure they’re not alienating any of their customers.
In the past, Apple has made changes to its emoji catalogue after public outcry, including redesigning the handgun to look like a squirt gun, and adding a pregnant man. A petition to remove the Hamas doppelgänger is available on change.org and has over two million signatures. At press time, Apple could not be reached for comment.
San Antonio, TX — A local supermarket chain, now previously known as H-E-B, announced tonight they are changing their name, after a recent rise in antisemitism has caused some negative responses to their well known brand. H-E-B’s Public Relations Representative, Peter McPeterson, gave a press conference tonight on the matter.
“For many years, H-E-B has been confused as a Jewish company, as people think the name is pronounced ‘Heeb,’ short for ‘Hebrew.’ After the events of the past month, tonight, I can say, with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, that we are distancing ourselves from the Hebrews, which is why we have decided to change our name to P-A-L. This doesn’t stand for anything, it just means we are your pal. Unless you’re Jewish, of course. Then we are not your pal. You can go shop at Trader Jew’s. Subsequently, our mascot’s name will also be changing from H-E-Buddy to H-E-Pal, because he is also your pal. Yes that’s what the new name means. We are pals.”
McPeterson said the name change will be effective immediately, with store signage modifications and re-branding happening throughout the week. Gift cards and rewards will still be accepted. A 23 and Me DNA test will be given at the door for anyone wishing to shop there.
Ever since the violent insurrection at the United States Capitol on January 6th of this year, the MJAA has struggled to formulate a proper response. One source of complication has been the fact that one of the organization’s executive board members, Rabbi Michael Stepakoff, was allegedly among the rioters who entered the Capitol as part of an attempt to overturn the free and fair election of President Joe Biden. Now, even as news spreads throughout the world of Rabbi Stepakoff’s arrest over his alleged actions on that day, an exclusive source on the board has informed The Meow that the MJAA will finally address the issue in the coming days by way of a major change to their ethics policy.
“The MJAA has the utmost respect for the laws of the United States of America, and we take any violation of those laws seriously,” reads an official statement leaked to The Meow, a copy of which will be posted on the MJAA’s website once the new rule has gone into effect. “As such, effective immediately, any board member who engages in more than one attempt to subvert the democracy of this great nation and/or disrupt its duly elected representatives shall be subject to censure and possible removal from the board. Everyone gets one freebie, but that’s it. However, if they use that one up, they have the option to exercise a second one. If they happen to use both within a period of eight years, they can apply for a third, by actually performing the act again. After all, we are living under grace, are we not? Of course, if they do it a fourth or fifth time, well we’ll enact the same process for those incidents as well. Now if they do it a sixth time…well it’s the same story. Basically, we have to instate this policy for one, but really, who are we to enforce that?”
“I think it’s a real game changer,” said our source. “I can’t speak for the rest of the board, but personally, I’m immensely proud of what we’ve accomplished today. From now on, even our most politically outspoken board members will think twice before participating in a second, third, or even fourth effort to forcibly undermine everything this nation was founded on. Instead, they’ll have to content themselves with posting misinformation and conspiracy theories online.”
When pressed on how effective this new reform would be, the source was emphatic. “I can’t possibly think of a stronger deterrent. Sure, it technically provides no consequences for anything he’s already done, and it gives everyone else multiple freebies, but I think it’s only fair that we all have the chance to be on equal footing. Besides, when a policy is so clearly directed at one particular member, it sends a pretty clear message, and I have to imagine he’s heard that message and learned his lesson. And just to be sure that he doesn’t forget that lesson, we’ve even taken to calling it ‘the Stepakoff Statute.’ Not to his face, of course – that would just be cruel – but I think he gets the point.”
At press time, our source had assured The Meow that the board has no plans to enact a similar limitation regarding false prophecy.
It’s no secret there are many books of The Bible that didn’t make the final cut. Recently, a new such book was discovered, written from the perspective of a man living on a leper colony. The aptly titled “Metzora,” gives detail of what life was like during a massive Leprosy outbreak, with new insights, such as:
•People thinking using grape leaves to cover their nose and mouth would prevent themselves from catching Leprosy
•Those with Leprosy being required to stay four cubits away from those without Leprosy
•Yeshua planning a conference on a Leper colony and inviting the entire population, citing ‘herd immunity’
•The Pharisees claiming Leprosy was made up, but also claiming Adonai used it as His judgment against those who were sinning, and also completely changing their tune when one of them caught it, but then going back to their original stance after making a full recovery
•And more!
“Metzora” is set to hit online stores in time for Passover, and will be available for contactless delivery.
Tampa, FL — In the wake of the President of the United States threatening Saturday Night Live with a federal investigation for mocking him, the President of the YMJA seems to have followed suit, and is now threatening popular Messianic satire site, The Messianic Meow, with a similar probe. Or as similar as you can get with an organization in such an obscure religion. Even so, one would hope this is just an empty threat, and possibly a cry for attention.
“The Messianic Meow started mocking me over two and half years ago, back when I was just the Treasurer,” said YMJA President, Ravi Goldberg, on a Twitter rant, early this morning. “That article still haunts me, to this day. I can’t get away from it. People ask me about it all the time. And then they laugh. Is that all I am to you people? Am I a clown? Am I?! Okay, maybe don’t answer that just yet. Anyway, I’ll make sure the IAMCS Steering Committee has a go at The Meow. It’s about time someone did…”
Goldberg is up for re-election this July. Some say this may just be a ploy to get his name out there, as it’s unusual for him to post on social media at all, let alone for him to launch into such a public diatribe. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂
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I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
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Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Toronto, ON – It’s a strange time for clowns in the English speaking part of the world right now. More and more “creepy clown sightings” have been reported, as people across the globe are showing up in public places dressed as clowns and brandishing weapons, in an attempt to frighten the locals. While this is meant to be some elaborate prank, most likely leading up to Halloween, what is actually happening is that real clowns are being given a bad rap. Soon they may no longer be able to entertain children, as they may only associate clowns with being scary, as opposed to being whimsical, as they were intended to be.
Popular Messianic clown, Azee the Clown, is one of the good clowns affected by the recent shenanigans. “We’re living in a time where clowns are even less respected than police officers right now,” said Aaron Zaretsky, Azee’s alter ego. “I want to show children that clowns are still their friends, so I’ve been going to schools during recess and shouting things like ‘Jesus loves you!’ and ‘You can be anything you want when you grow up!’ I know it’s working, because every child I’ve come into contact with has run away screaming with joy. I’ve made them all so happy. That’s how you know you’re making a difference.”
Azee leads the organization, Touching Hearts Ministry, and appears at Messianic gatherings, such as Messiah Conference and Jews for Jesus Ingathering, where he uses clowning techniques to teach The Gospel to children. For more information about Azee’s ministry, please visit www.touchingheartsministry.ca
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