Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.
The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.
The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.
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Murca – If you’re an adult that has ever been to a Messianic conference or visited a new congregation, odds are you’ve had at least a few people ask you if the person of the opposite sex standing next to you is your husband or wife. While this mostly affects those of the millennial generation, people of all ages have been mistaken for spouses. It’s a common enough occurrence that something needs to be done about it.
“I’ve been through this myself,” said Messianic Meow Creator, Jami Robins. “It’s happened so many times: I was asked if my boyfriend was my husband, I was asked if my brother-in-law was my husband, I was once even asked if my DAD was my husband, just because he was sitting with me during Shabbat services at a UMJC Conference. NO! But the final straw for me was when someone assumed I was my Rabbi’s wife because I was with him in the marketplace at Messiah Conference. ENOUGH. I’m tired of this happening and I had to do something about it. So now we’ve got these t-shirts that people can wear to conferences that simply say on them ‘No, that is not my husband’ or ‘No, that is not my wife.’ There will be no question about it and it will save everyone embarrassment. Yes, you want us to marry other Messianics, and that’s great, but some people just aren’t married to each other. In fact, MOST people aren’t married to each other.”
The new T-shirts will be available online and at The Marketplace at all Regional and National UMJC and MJAA Conferences. Shirts will be $30 individually, with a discount for bulk orders. You will also be able to receive one of these shirts for free with a donation of $18 a month or more through The Messianic Meow Patreon web site. Robins says these shirts will hopefully eliminate the need for older Jewish women to go around asking people they don’t know if they are married to each other. She also said what you’re reading right now is literally an article of clothing.
2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)
With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.
It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.
I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.
So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.
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Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.
“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”
Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at www.jewishagency.org/aliyah/program/8651
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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.
Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”
Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.
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Seattle, WA – Last week, Aybars Uckun, Assistant Rabbi of Restoration Seattle (soon to be Yeshualand Seattle), cut his eye in a freak guitar string changing accident. What would normally be nothing to fret over became a huge ordeal that sent Aybars to the doctor and forced him to have to temporarily wear an eye patch. Fortunately, quick thinking Aybars was able to take the horrific occurrence and make it profitable for himself, in less than a week’s time.
The forlorn Aybars took his experience and is now using it to help others who may find themselves in a hazardous situation that involves changing strings on an instrument. He is now producing special ocular protection to prevent other similar injuries that he is calling “Aybars’ Eye Bars,” which is pictured below.
“Okay, so it’s technically the VISOR that LeVar Burton wore in Star Trek, and it’s technically copyright infringement,” said Aybars in his newly released infomercial, “but the Messianic movement is much too small for anyone in the secular world to care about those minor details. Besides, I’m doing people a favor by making sure they don’t poke themselves in the eye with those dangerous guitar strings. If anything, Star Trek should be thanking me for helping guitar players live long and prosper.”
Aybars’ Eye Bars will be available at all Yeshualand gift shops, as well as Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores nationwide, to start. When asked how he was able to make all of this happen so quickly, Aybars replied, “I pulled some strings.”
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Responding to long-represented trends in the Movement, and recent societal trends, a growing group of young Messianics is calling for a repudiation of the contaminating effects of rabbinic laws and governmental interference in wedding practice.
The President of the group is Bozo Lipschitz of Congregation Davar Acher in Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho. We met him in his biblical tent, erected just outside the city limits.
“Yes, we’re following the flow of The Spirit in our movement, getting away from rabbinic interference in our religious practice. No chuppahs and crushed wine glasses for usI No Rabbis and Cantors either! Ours is a Back to the Bible Messianic Movement, HalleluYAH! If we could free ourselves from the shackles of stupid Rabbinic Kosher laws and get back to Biblical Kosher, we can do the same about their oppressive marriage laws and get back to the Bible!”
When questioned about the current trend that has catalyzed their growing movement and its concerns, Lipschitz mentioned the impending election of Hillary Clinton, following on the heels of eight years of Barack Obama. “We see the Anti-Christ, the New World Order, and the Illuminati woven through all these Satanic politics. Everyone can see it. And we don’t want this kind of government interfering in this most personal of life events: marriage, and at its inception, our weddings. We don’t want interference from ungodly government or practices cooked up from Christ-rejecting Rabbis. HalleluYAH!”
The group is seeking to pass legislation removing the requirement of people having “statist wedding licenses.” “We don’t need them. Abraham didn’t. Paul didn’t. Our Lord, Yeshua, didn’t, So why should we?” And in place of Rabbinic marriage rites, like chuppahs, crushed wine glasses and ketubahs, the group has begun to practice what it terms “Biblical marriage,” a counterpart of “Biblical Kosher.”
Lipschitz explains, “We follow the Biblical example of Boaz and Ruth. Biblically, when a woman crawls under a man’s blanket at his feet and he says, “Who are you?” and she tells him, that’s it! That’s Biblical marriage! We like to call it “B’rith Ha-Blankie.” He smiled, but he said they were entirely serious.
“It’s either this or being in bondage to Messiah-rejecting Rabbis or the New World Order. There really is no other godly choice!”
They are planning a national conference soon called “Back to the Blankie” to be in Coeur d’Alene at a date to be determined.
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