Category Archives: Murca

Jew With No Allergies Seized by Government

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Washington DC – 23 year old Alison Goldbloom of Alexandria, VA was seized by the United States Government, early Tuesday, after it was found out she has eight Jewish Great Grandparents and zero allergies. Goldbloom has no food or environmental allergies, making her the subject of a widespread panic among the Food and Drug Administration. Ashkenazi Jews are notorious for having multiple allergies, so to find one without any is cause for alarm.

“Ms. Goldbloom has exhibited signs of a super human, or perhaps, alien race,” Michael Johnson, a scientist with the FDA, explained in a press conference. “We’ve run extensive tests on her and she has not reacted to any of the hundreds of allergens we’ve pumped into her system. It’s quite remarkable, really, especially after we’ve run DNA tests on her and she has not a drop of gentile blood in her system. We’ve never seen anything like this, and, frankly, we’re a little concerned that we have been invaded by aliens. Ms. Goldbloom, sadly, will not live to see her 24th birthday, but she will die in the name of science! This is for the good of the human race. However, if anybody from her home planet would care to save her, we will gladly trade you Walt Disney’s frozen body, and a lifetime supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, for the secret to, what is clearly, immortality.”

While no official decision has been made yet on how or when Goldbloom will be ‘sacrificed in the name of science,’ The FDA is expecting to arrange to take care of that before the holidays, in the hopes that whoever claims Goldbloom as their own will want to come back for her before Chanukah. A petition has been started to spare the young Jewish woman, who was most likely just born with an abnormality in her genes. The petition can be found at www.change.org/p/alison-goldbloom-save-poor-jewish-girl-with-no-allergies

 

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MJAA Found to Consume More Ice Cream Per Capita Than Any Other Religious Organization in the Country

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Grantham, PA – A new study from The Messianic Behavior Research Institute suggests that more ice cream is consumed per capita within the community of the Messianic Jewish Alliance of America than any other religious organization in the country. The study took place after a record number of IAMCS Rabbis were found to be searching WebMD for “Cancer caused by brain freeze.”

“Nobody is actually able to pinpoint how this ice cream custom began,” said Dr. David Matzah of the Messianic Behavior Research Institute. “However, we believe it started with the soft serve machine at Messiah College. The MJAA ice cream consumption was exacerbated by the machine being out of service for years during Messiah Conference, which caused a scarcity effect. Our other theory is because they are so Holy Spirit focused, they may feel that eating ice cream everyday is like a permanent Shavuot. Either way, it appears to be subconscious, as no one can actually explain why they eat so much ice cream.”

The mass ice cream consumption does seem to be confined to members of the MJAA community, as opposed to the entire Messianic community. Whenever the IAMCS/MJAA Rabbis get together they have ice cream socials, contrary to the UMJC Rabbis who smoke cigars at their gatherings. The study also concluded that the Messianics who consume ice cream daily are sadly found to attract more mosquitoes in humid climates, as their blood is made up of 88% sugar.

 

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Independent Messianic Congregation With Own Building Denounced By the Greater Messianic Community

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Portland, OR – The greater Messianic community has officially denounced Congregation Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh of Portland, Oregon after it popped up out of nowhere with its own building, and refused to become a member of The UMJC, MJAA, Chosen People, or Tikkun International.

President Bernis called an emergency meeting, via Google Hangout, to discuss the, most likely, Satanic congregation. A vote was taken and passed unanimously that the Greater Messianic Movement wants nothing to do with this congregation, despite its faithful Torah observance, spirit-filled worship services, gourmet onegs, and a Jewish population of 75%.

Rabbi Morrie Iceberg, of Kol Echad Shtayim Shalosh explained, “We were sent an e-mail from President Bernis’ Executive Assistant asking where we came from, who sent us, and what we want. I’m not quite sure what the problem is here. There isn’t much of a Messianic Jewish presence in Portland and we had a building donated to us. We are a flourishing congregation of around 150 adults and 40 children. We just don’t feel the need to join an organization when we are doing fine on our own, and we prefer to stay neutral. We don’t want to get involved in any of that drama, and yet drama has still somehow found us. Really, we just want to worship The Lord and fellowship together. Apparently that’s not good enough for the rest of the movement. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?”

Clearly this congregation is up to no good. We can only hope the obvious wolf in sheep’s clothing keeps its hands to itself. Vice President Rosenberg is being sent into the trenches to check out this atrocity, as he is so close in proximity. Godspeed, Vice President Rosenberg; may the force be with you.

 

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Jonathan Bernis Elected First Ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement

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Phoenix, AZ – Exciting news out of Phoenix this week as Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International and Founder of Yeshualand Messianic Jewish Theme Parks, was elected the first ever President of the Greater Messianic Movement. In an effort to better unify the community, a President and Vice President will now preside over all Messianic Organizations, including, but not limited to The MJAA, UMJC, Jews for Jesus, Chosen People Ministries, and Tikkun International.

The votes were cast at the 2016 MLR and the results have finally been tabulated. Due to his neutrality, Jonathan Bernis won in a landslide against The Cleveland Indians, who can’t seem to win much of anything these days. Bernis’ runningmate, Rabbi Matt Rosenberg, the scampy, yet lovable sidekick, will act as Vice President and will take over as President should Bernis not be able to fulfill his duties. While Rosenberg is not technically a neutral party, he is part of the famous Rosenberg Rabbinical Dynasty and also holds the throne as King of the millennials, who seem to be taking over The Movement in droves.

With the new governing positions in place, it will be much easier to make communal decisions, such as an official pronunciation of the word “Adonai,” can we actually have an official ‘Messiahmas’ that does not take place during December?, and how can we better develop a Messianic pop culture scene? Stay tuned as official decisions are made to these questions, and others.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Guest Post by Rabbi Eric Tokajer | Messianic Music Under Attack

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In an attempt to diminish the growing popularity of the Messianic Movement and stop the increasing influence of Messianic Movement within the believing world, a new provision has been injected into U.S. copyright law. This provision makes it illegal to use the word ‘lai’ or any derivatives, such as ‘lai lai’ or ‘lai la lai lai lai’ in any songs.

This action has, for all intents and purposes, made it impossible to write any new Messianic Music. When asked for responses, Joel Chernoff of Lamb responded, “We will not take this lai’ing down.” Ted Pearce, when asked about this new law, held his fingers in his ears alternately saying, “I can’t hear you lai lai lai lai”. Paul Wilbur, possibly the best known Messianic recording artist, stated emphatically, “These are the days of Elijah, and praying for the return of Yeshua when the wolf will lai down with the lamb.”

 

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Local Messianic Congregation Folds After Weekly Oneg is Skipped

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St. Louis, MO – Temple Brit Chadasha has, very sadly, closed its doors this week after 26 years of service to the Messianic Community of St. Louis. The congregation shut down after just two weeks of not having a weekly oneg. 62 year old Ruth Goldfinger, who is in charge of coordinating the onegs, was in the hospital having a Hysterectomy, and was therefore unable to fulfill her oneg-ly duties. Being that there was no runner up to take over organizing these post congregational meals, the weekly tradition was temporarily canceled until Goldfinger could be back on her feet. Unfortunately, the lack of patience in the congregants prevented them from coming altogether, knowing there would be no meal waiting for them after the Rabbi’s sermon ended.

“As long as I’ve been a believer I’ve been told to only go where I’m fed,” former congregant, Betsy Morgandorffer, told The Messianic Times. “We’re definitely not being fed here and it’s time to move on now. If I’m gonna sit through a Torah service and a 45 minute sermon you best be feeding me bagels and cream cheese with lox and a side of overly ripe fruit afterwards. The only thing that sets Messianic Synagogues apart from Secular Synagogues is the fact that we have oneg after services. I may as well be Orthodox at this point.”

Morgandorffer and her fellow congregants have all disbursed to various other congregations, including churches and secular Synagogues. Everyone has completely forgotten about poor Ruth Goldfinger and her health issues and is just focusing on themselves and their want for free food, which they are definitely not getting at their respective new congregations either. At least if they had just been patient and waited for Ruth to return, the onegs would have started back up again. Or, better yet, someone else could have stepped up to organize it. Aww who’m I kidding? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

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Kehilat Ariel Messianic Synagogue in Escrow to Purchase Retired Cruise Ship to Become First Ever Floating Synagogue

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San Diego, CA – Kehilat Ariel Messianic Synagogue in San Diego announced recently they were in escrow to purchase their own building for the first time in the congregation’s 35 year history. Most Messianic congregations rent space from local churches, but it is always a goal to eventually purchase their own building. Typically, congregations will build from the ground up or purchase former church buildings from churches that have gone under. In this instance, Kehilat Ariel will be a pioneer in using a state of the art, out of service cruise ship to act as their headquarters and place of meeting.

“We knew it was time to purchase a building of our own, but a building on land in San Diego is really expensive,” Rabbi Barney Kasdan explained. “A retired cruise ship will cost less and give added benefits that we wouldn’t have in a typical building: We’ll be permanently docked on the ocean, so the view will be fantastic. We’ll even be able to do Tashlikh right off of the deck. Not to mention it will be a great spot for spectators of our immersion services and congregational surf sessions. It’s our tradition to have ‘Shabbat at the Shores’ every summer and now we won’t have to worry about finding a spot on the beach. On top of this, we can double as a hotel or housing for out of town friends and relatives. We’ll also be able to provide emergency housing/shelter for anyone in a dire situation. We’ll even have a brig for any counter missionaries that might try to crash our services.”

Kasdan says Kehilat Ariel still needs to raise around $150,000 in the next month in order to be able to purchase their new congregational home. For more information about how to help out you can visit http://www.kehilatariel.org/wordpress/?p=5255

 

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Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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Meme

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And the winner of the first ever Messianic Meow caption contest is Craig Arbour. Mazel tov, Craig!

 

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