Washington, DC — 26 year old Greg Moskowitz is either a victim of the pandemic at hand, or of his own stupidity. After eloping last night with, whom he thought to be his fiancée, Stephanie, he arrived at his hotel room to a rude awakening, upon discovering he had mistakenly married Stephanie’s sister, Selene. The city limits of Washington DC allows self-uniting marriage ceremonies, sans officiants or witnesses, but complications can arise in a wedding with no supervision.

“I don’t know. Stephanie and Selene’s voices are identical,” Moskowitz explained to a local judge, as he attempted to annul his marriage after less than 24 hours. “They don’t look that much alike from the nose down, so I never even thought about it. When we got to the courthouse to get our marriage license, I just let her handle everything. I was in a hurry to get laid, honestly, and that’s what I was focused on. It’s crazy we’re not required to have an officiant or any witnesses to get married in DC, but we’re required to wear masks [due to the pandemic]. Look, I know. I read about this in The Bible. I get it. It’s Jewish tradition to lift the veil off of your bride to make sure it’s the right girl, because of Jacob’s mishap in Genesis 29, BUT THIS IS NOT A VEIL. IT’S A MASK. And that’s just symbolism. The Bible isn’t even really relevant anymore. It’s outdated. I never thought this could actually happen in real life in 2020. And now Stephanie will never forgive me and I’m going to die a virgin; PLEASE HELP ME!”

While The Bible may have been written a long time ago, clearly the lessons taught are still relevant. Sadly, Greg had to learn this the hard way. We certainly wish the affected parties luck. However, we are glad they are at least doing their part to stop the spread of COVID-19. Good luck, Greg, Stephanie, and Selene!

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