Category Archives: Messiah Conference

Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth

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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.

 

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Summer Long Cross Organizational Overnight Camp For Messianic Youth Coming Soon

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Murca – Breaking news today, announced by The Messianic Times: An all summer long Messianic youth summer camp is coming soon. The new camp will be a joint effort between the UMJC, MJAA, Jews for Jesus, and Chosen People Ministries. Rather than send your child one week here or one week there, finally all Messianic children will be able to attend camp together, and not just for one or two weeks at a time.

The camp will be called Camp Hitlakdut, which is Hebrew for “cohesion” and will be available to campers ages 8-15, with the junior counselor program starting at 16. The four largest Messianic Jewish organizations came together and purchased nearly 400 acres of land in Pennsylvania and hope to have the camp up and running by Summer 2018. Camp Hitlakdut will be nine weeks long and will include two five week sessions that overlap one week in the middle. Each session will include four weeks of camp activities plus The YMJA conference for campers ages 13 and up. Campers under 13 will enjoy a week of daily field trips during that time. Parents can choose to send to children to one or both sessions, with a discount for attending both, as well as for sending multiple children.

Hitlakdut will draw from activities and traditions from Camp Gilgal, Camp Kesher, and Camp Or L’Dor, with new activities and traditions that every Messianic child can make together with this new program. Activities will include weekly Erev and Shacharit Shabbat services, Havdalah, and Hebrew and Israeli Dance classes, in addition to regular camp activities, such as boating, swimming, and finding your first relationship.

“Basically all of the camp directors got together and realized we could do a lot more than what we’re doing if we just pool our resources,” Former Camp Gilgal Director, Moose Garrett, explained in an interview. “We not only have the staffing to make a nine week camp happen, but between all the organizations, we actually had enough money to purchase our own property. It just makes sense. There are so many Messianic youth, we may as well just send them all together. If we want to unify the Messianic movement, the best way to do that is to teach them while they’re young. Plus, honestly, the matchmaking is a lot easier when they don’t have a lot of life experience.”

Camp Hitlakdut will cost more than the previous existing Messianic summer camps that were only 1-2 weeks each, but plenty of scholarships will be available, and, with their own property, Hitlakdut will be able to rent out their facilities to other groups throughout the year to offset some of the costs. Early bird registration should be open by the end of 2017, so start saving your Shekels now; their goal is to have 500 children registered to attend the first summer.

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
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YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.

“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”

The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.

Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It

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Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.

“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”

While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.

Azee the Clown Terrorizes School Children With Shouts of Encouragement

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Toronto, ON – It’s a strange time for clowns in the English speaking part of the world right now. More and more “creepy clown sightings” have been reported, as people across the globe are showing up in public places dressed as clowns and brandishing weapons, in an attempt to frighten the locals. While this is meant to be some elaborate prank, most likely leading up to Halloween, what is actually happening is that real clowns are being given a bad rap. Soon they may no longer be able to entertain children, as they may only associate clowns with being scary, as opposed to being whimsical, as they were intended to be.

Popular Messianic clown, Azee the Clown, is one of the good clowns affected by the recent shenanigans. “We’re living in a time where clowns are even less respected than police officers right now,” said Aaron Zaretsky, Azee’s alter ego. “I want to show children that clowns are still their friends, so I’ve been going to schools during recess and shouting things like ‘Jesus loves you!’ and ‘You can be anything you want when you grow up!’ I know it’s working, because every child I’ve come into contact with has run away screaming with joy. I’ve made them all so happy. That’s how you know you’re making a difference.”

Azee leads the organization, Touching Hearts Ministry, and appears at Messianic gatherings, such as Messiah Conference and Jews for Jesus Ingathering, where he uses clowning techniques to teach The Gospel to children. For more information about Azee’s ministry, please visit www.touchingheartsministry.ca

True Life: I’m a Conference Junkie

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Conferences are a common occurrence in the Messianic movement and a great way to connect with other Messianics around the world, but what if you scheduled your entire life around them? On this episode of True Life, you’ll meet three young people who are struggling to balance real life while attending as many Messianic conferences as they can.

Stephanie Escalante, “21,” from Tampa, FL admits she is a conference junkie, but sees nothing wrong with it. She has attended everything from Messiah Conference to the UMJC international and 20s conferences to ARCH Leadership summit to AMF and everything in between. She even started a Twitter account dedicated to conference crushes. She is so addicted to attending conferences that The Messianic Meow wrote an article about her planning a fake conference and then she actually started planning it. “Even though I’m only ’21,’ I’ve been to enough conferences to know how to plan one. I don’t need help from anyone. I’ve got this. It’s my conference now.”

Amy Liantonio, 30, from Philadelphia, PA says she once went to three conferences in a month, all at the Rosen Plaza Hotel. She has made it her life’s goal to attend every conference at The Rosen, which could be as many as six per year. She is helping Stephanie plan the fake conference.

Vlad Horol, 27, from Chicago, IL considers himself now to be a recovering conference junkie. “I love conferences so much, that I became the UMJC Young Adult Liaison (YAL) as an excuse to attend conferences,” stated Horol. “But I’m married now and my wife, Rachel, told me it was unnecessary for me to attend so many conferences. As part of the recovery process, I stepped down as the YAL earlier this year and will try to limit my conferencing to two conferences per year.” “He’s fine,” Rachel chimed in. “Two conferences per year is more than enough. He’s just going to stick to our photography business, Yofi Photography, and he’ll be fine.”

There’s more to life than attending a conference every other month. If you or a friend spend all your time and money on Messianic conferences, please do not be afraid to ask for emotional support. The Messianic Meow is here for you.

UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF that they are not actually a conference, therefore Stephanie Escalante’s conference resume cannot include AMF.

The Rosenberg Special to Debut at Taco Bell

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Irvine, CA – Taco Bell announced this week it would be trying out a new menu item called “The Rosenberg Special”—-a grilled cheese sandwich with turkey bacon. Typically only served at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania during the week of the 4th of July, The Rosenberg Special was made popular by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg nearly two decades ago while attending Messiah Conference and specially requesting turkey bacon on his grilled cheese at the popular campus cafe, The Falcon. Being the accommodating people that they are, the powers that be at The Falcon purchased turkey bacon specifically for Rosenberg, and have made it readily available at Messiah Conference every year since then.

“We wanted to add an item that was completely different from everything else on our menu,” stated Brian Niccol, CEO of Taco Bell. “Burger King is doing the same thing right now with The Whopperito and McDonald’s is also testing out macaroni and cheese at select locations. Expanding the menu options is a win win situation for everyone: we get a wider audience, which leads to higher profits for us, and customers who wouldn’t normally be eating at Taco Bell now have a reason to dine there.”

The Rosenberg Special will be available for a limited trial run before Taco Bell decides whether or not to roll it out nationally. The sandwich will be available in all Seattle and Chicago locations, but only between the 15th and the 21st of Nisan, 5777.

Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf to Form First Ever All Female Messianic Pop Super Group “The Havdalah Spice Girls”

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Nashville, TN – It was announced this week that five of the leading female vocalists in Messianic Judaism would be joining together to form a new all female pop super group called “The Havdalah Spice Girls.” Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf have each seen individual success in their own way, but collectively decided they would be able to make a bigger statement by combining forces.

“The Messianic Music scene is very male dominated,” stated Chernoff. “We want to change that.  My Dad [Joel Chernoff] helped pave the way for Messianic music and Sharon [Wilbur, née Chernoff] and I were very blessed to grow up around that. Now we want to continue paving that way for women in the movement. We’ve had a lot of fun working together and have even given each other new nicknames: Beckah is Mama Spice, Sharon is Famous Spice, Misha is Shy Spice, Rebecca is Dancer Spice, and I’m Cute-as-a-button Spice!”

The Havdalah Spice Girls will incorporate singing, dancing choreogaphed by Rudolf, and lots of fashion tips for adoring fans. They are scheduled to perform at Messiah ’17 and AMF 2.0. Their first album “Besamim” will be available on iTunes later this year. You can also catch Misha in her Broadway debut this fall in the new musical “They Tried to Kill Us, We Won, Let’s Eat.”