Trump Elected President of the United States; Israel Opens Borders to Messianic Jews for First Time in History


Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.

“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”

Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at


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Joel Chernoff’s “Jew and Gentile” Deemed Culturally, Historically, and/or Aesthetically Important by Library of Congress…


Washington DC – Joel Chernoff’s iconic song “Jew and Gentile” has been deemed culturally, historically, and/or aesthetically important by the Library of Congress. This is the first time in history any Messianic anything has achieved such an accomplishment.

The Librarian of Congress was quoted as saying, “Ya know, in a time where this country hasn’t been more divided politically since the Civil War, it’s nice to hear songs about people from different backgrounds: Jews and Gentiles, Democrats and Republicans—-coming together, in unity, to make olive oil.”

Various opinions from those on the selecting committee praised how the song’s lyrics so accurately described contemporary American viewpoints regarding the upcoming election.

Harold Rosenplaza, head of the committee, stated, “Specifically, the lyrics ‘Help us Father’ and ‘Dadadee dadadoo, dadadai dadadee, dadoododo’ brought me to tears as I was lighting my Sabbath candles.”

Joel Chernoff has not yet commented on this prestigious award. However, his secretary did mention that he was so honored about receiving the award that he now feels called back to music and has even begun production on two new albums: a collaboration album with Ted Pearce slated to be titled “Jew and Gentile” (in honor of the acclaimed song) and a joyous club zinger called “Dance With Me.”

Congrats Joel!

Guest Post by Matt Nadler | Leaders Debate Whether Evan McMullin’s Pro-Israel Stance is Preferable to Impending Meteor


Leaders clashed in a sprawling, spirited discussion at the Politics and Faith: Messianic Thinkers Forum, held at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Queens, NY.  Of particular note was the keynote debate: “Pro-Israel Mormon Neoconservatism or Death by Impending Meteor?”

In this forum organized by Chosen People Ministries, Messianic leaders debated whether independent candidate for President Evan McMullin’s pro-Israel views  might, in some sense, be preferable to the apocalyptic destruction sure to be faced by all of humankind for its hedonic rebellion against The Holy One.

In favor of the motion that Evan McMullin’s measured neo-conservativism regarding Israel is preferable to a certain apocalypse were Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer and Dr. Rich Robinson.  Against the motion were Rabbis Paul Saal and Eric Tokajer.

“It is true that we all must face the Creator in the teleological summation of all things, but if I may, this is simply a red herring,” opined Mark Kinzer, speaking for the motion that between Evan McMullin’s sketched out stances supporting Israel, and a deserved apocalypse, we should choose the former, not the latter. “The fact that we must meet our maker at some point does not mean that we should simply wish for it to happen this January.”

“Evan McMullin’s views on Israel, however briefly detailed, bring two issues to the table which are important for us to understand,” explained Rich Robinson, also speaking for the motion. “First of all, he brings a deep respect to Israel’s full sovereignty and self-determination, in regards to any future negotiations or peace process. Second of all, being a sane man, with respect to his position on Israel and foreign policy in general, it is unlikely that he would do anything which would intentionally usher in some of the more problematic events spoken of in the Hazon of Yochanon.”

Arguing against Evan McMullin’s approach to foreign policy, and Israel in particular, Rabbi Saal argued, “This is a year of paradigm shifts. As you know, every year prior to this year is a year in which we have not ushered in the deserved destruction of our species. This is a year to live dangerously. This is the paradigm for our time.”  Before a highly engaged audience, he continued in his now trademarked rhyming cadence, “You tell me what all those ‘hashtag SMOD 2016’ memes mean if not the meanest of the mean, you know what I mean?”

Rabbi Eric Tokajer explained that there was nothing to add to this matter, as it had already been settled in the respective Republican and Democratic primaries.  “SMOD to all, and to all a goodnight,” he calmly concluded.

At the conclusion of the forum, the consensus of those in attendance was that both sides had won, and that there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind. The topic of whether there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind is now the scheduled theme for next year’s Messianic Thinkers Forum, to be held in Irvine, California, in October of 2017.

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I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
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Donald Trump Endorses Year Round Consumption of Round Challah


New York City, NY – Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, discovered round challah this week while walking through Brooklyn. Challah, a traditional ceremonial Jewish bread, is braided and only formed in a circle for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, as a symbol of the continuing cycle of the years and seasons. While anyone baking challah can choose to form it in a circle at any point, it is only found in bakeries and stores in a round shape during the high holidays.

“I love the Jews,” Donald stated in an interview. “All my kids are dating or married to Jews. One of my kids IS a Jew! And I love their bread; I could just eat that all day. But I saw it round this week, like a bowling ball. In fact, I used it as a bowling ball. Why don’t they do this all year? They should really do this all year. We’ll do CH-allah bowling in the White House bowling alley. I’m going to have my servants make me round CH-allah every day for the rest of my life. I love bread. And Jews. Jew bread.”

Trump then went on and on about how he loves Jews and plans to build a wall around all Jewish communities in America to 1) Keep them safe from harm 2) Make them feel like they’re in Jerusalem 3) Keep them from mingling with everyone else. When asked how big the walls would be, Trump simply replied, “They’re gonna be ‘UGE.”

Yeshua Returns to Run for President of The United States


Washington DC- Yeshua HaMashiach, more widely known as Jesus Christ, has finally returned to Earth after a wait of more than 2000 years. “I’ve been watching this entire upcoming American Presidential Election very closely, and with Donald Trump officially being given the GOP nomination, I knew I had to step in and do something; I’m throwing my Kippah in the ring,” Yeshua stated.

Mashiach, who is running on the ticket of the newly formed Chosen Party, held a rally in Washington DC for His supporters earlier this week. “I stand for life, I stand for love, I stand for hope, I stand for forgiveness, I stand for grace, I stand for redemption, and I stand for light. If you can get behind that then I’m your man.” His short, but very impactful speech was met with thunderous applause, while Ben and Jerry’s handed out samples of their newest creation, Christ on a Graham Cracker, to hungry, but hopeful citizens at the rally.

Yeshua seemed to be a shoo-in to be the next President, until it was pointed out that He does not actually qualify to run for the position, due to the fact that He is under 35 and was not born in The U.S.

When asked to comment on what His next move was going to be, Yeshua replied, in His best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “I’ll be back.”

United States to Switch to Biblical Measuring System


Washington DC – The United States Department of Education announced this week it would be changing their current measuring system, in order to keep up with the demands of what other countries want for them.

At present time, The U.S. is the only industrialized country that does not use the metric system. For years other countries have been asking that they change their measuring system to make it less frustrating for travelers. In an effort to comply, and also to prove that The U.S. is above all other countries, Secretary of Education, John King Jr, said their current measuring system will soon be replaced by something that is a little more established, opting for a system of biblical proportions. Schools will begin teaching the new biblical measuring system to kindergartners, starting with the 2016-2017 school year.

The inch, the foot, the yard, and the mile will soon be replaced with the cubit, the epha, the furlong, and the camel nap. The new units of measurement should be the perfect companions for common core math.