Category Archives: Yeshualand

Matt Rosenberg’s Assistant Rabbi Injures Self in Freak Guitar String Changing Accident; Turns Incident Into Profit

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Seattle, WA – Last week, Aybars Uckun, Assistant Rabbi of Restoration Seattle (soon to be Yeshualand Seattle), cut his eye in a freak guitar string changing accident. What would normally be nothing to fret over became a huge ordeal that sent Aybars to the doctor and forced him to have to temporarily wear an eye patch. Fortunately, quick thinking Aybars was able to take the horrific occurrence and make it profitable for himself, in less than a week’s time.

The forlorn Aybars took his experience and is now using it to help others who may find themselves in a hazardous situation that involves changing strings on an instrument. He is now producing special ocular protection to prevent other similar injuries that he is calling “Aybars’ Eye Bars,” which is pictured below.

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“Okay, so it’s technically the VISOR that LeVar Burton wore in Star Trek, and it’s technically copyright infringement,” said Aybars in his newly released infomercial, “but the Messianic movement is much too small for anyone in the secular world to care about those minor details. Besides, I’m doing people a favor by making sure they don’t poke themselves in the eye with those dangerous guitar strings. If anything, Star Trek should be thanking me for helping guitar players live long and prosper.”

Aybars’ Eye Bars will be available at all Yeshualand gift shops, as well as Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores nationwide, to start. When asked how he was able to make all of this happen so quickly, Aybars replied, “I pulled some strings.”

 

 

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Restoration Seattle Will Be Absorbed by Fourth Yeshualand Location

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Seattle, WA – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week the fourth Yeshualand theme park will be opening just outside of Seattle, in an undisclosed location. Yeshualand Seattle will be joining the rapidly expanding chain, following Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona, and Yeshualand Moon. Yeshualand Seattle will be unique in that it will be absorbing local Messianic congregation, Restoration Seattle.

“Changing the name of a congregation goes against everything I believe in,” Rabbi Matt Rosenberg posted on Facebook, “but J. Bern convinced me it was the right thing to do…for the good of all the tourists in Seattle. What better way to win hearts for Yeshua than to actually have a Shabbat service for people who are just hanging out at a theme park? It’s actually pretty awesome. Can’t argue with The Bern. #YeshualandSeattle #Seattle #happyrabbi #jvmi #TheBern #RestorationApp #donotfear #themepark #awesome #rollercoasters #cantwait #soexcited #thiswillbeawesome #soawesome #awesome”

In addition to a synagogue in the middle of it, Yeshualand Seattle will have similar attractions to its Ethiopia and Arizona counterparts, but will also have four Whirlyball courts, a funicular, and ironically, a Restoration Hardware that will pay homage to the soon to be former Restoration Seattle. The whole theme park will be made in a retractable dome, so that rain, snow, and other elements will not affect the park’s hours and allow Yeshualand Seattle to remain open year round. In addition, Yeshualand Seattle will have a show featuring The Rock-a fire Explosion: the animatronic band, formerly of Showbiz Pizza, which would later become Chuck E. Cheese’s. Rock-a fire Explosion will be programmed to perform the greatest hits of the classic Messianic band, Lamb. Yeshualand will also finally be introducing their first mascot; Joyful Joe Miterko will be walking around the park as “Mr. Yeshualand.”

Yeshualand Seattle is set to open early to mid 2017, and, according to Bernis, will most likely be the last location to open for quite a while. To track progress of Restoration’s transition into Yeshualand Seattle, please visit shalomseattle.com

Messianic Jewish Colony to Open on the Moon

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Murca – A Messianic Jewish colony will open on Earth’s Moon sometime in the future. After announcements came from both Chosen People Ministries and Jonathan Bernis this week about Messianic activity on the Moon, it was time to make the news of the new Colony official. While this has been in the works for quite a while, it has been kept under wraps, due to licensing and privacy issues.

“We already use the Lunar Calendar in Judaism, so this actually makes perfect sense,” said Rabbi David Chernoff of Congregation Beth Yeshua (CBY) of Philadelphia. “CBY is large enough to be a self sustaining Kibbutz, so we are actually going to move our entire congregation to the Moon, when the time comes and extend an invitation to the greater Messianic community to join us as you see fit. We’re working closely with Aaron Trank and his former NASA colleagues to make this happen and are very excited for what the future holds with this new Messianic colony.”

Plans are already in place for the new Messianic Moon Colony to have a Yeshualand and will also be home to an exact replica of both Messiah College and The Rosen Plaza Hotel; anyone coming to Muchan 2020 will have their choice of staying in either place. In addition, Brews for Jesus plans to move their new headquarters to the Moon. Trank will Periscope the progress as soon as the project is far enough along that it can be made public. The new Messianic colony is expected to be crater than any other living situation for Messianics.

Meme

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Jonathan Bernis Announces Third Yeshualand Location Will Be on the Moon

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced today that the third location of Yeshualand will be on the Moon. The announcement came one day after Chosen People Ministries announced they would be holding Muchan 2020 on the Moon. The announcement was a bit of a shock, and also sort of not.

“I’ve actually had this in the works for quite a while,” Bernis stated in an early morning press conference. “I wasn’t planning to announce this just yet, but yesterday’s announcement from Chosen People left me with no choice. Come on, Chosen People, you’re not pioneers in the Moon industry; I am! By the time you have your conference four years from now we’ll have an entire Messianic colony set up there. I think ‘RK’ spoke a little too soon yesterday when he said, and I quote, ‘Not even Jonathan Bernis has done anything with the Moon before.’ Really, RK? Clearly you were underestimating my resources.”

Yeshualand Moon will have select features and attractions from both Yeshualand Ethiopia and Yeshualand Arizona, as well as new features such as a gravity simulator, an all you can eat cheese bar, scales to tell you how much you weigh, and the first lunar Brews for Jesus Cafe.

No word yet on when Yehsualand Moon will open, though it appears it will most likely be before the end of 2020. We are still awaiting word on how people will actually get there, though both Chosen People and Jonathan Bernis insist that it’s definitely going to happen. Stay tuned for more word on the future of Messianic space travel.

Meme

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Jonathan Bernis Confirms Second Yeshualand Location Will Be in Arizona

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Phoenix, AZ – After much speculation about the new Messianic Jewish theme park Yeshualand potentially opening a location near Phoenix, Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International has confirmed that there will, in fact, be a Yeshualand location opening in Arizona, just in time for holiday vacations in December.

After months of searching, Bernis says they were finally able to secure nearly 400 acres of land about an hour outside of Phoenix. In addition to all the great features of Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona will have new rides and attractions, including The Mikveh Machine, a quicksand pit, The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o, and a giant lego firewalk.

The theme park will also have extra stages and a campground in the hopes that AMF 2.0 will choose to hold their event there, as they can technically hold it in Arizona and still be called “AMF.” At the very least, Bernis hopes The Havdalah Spice Girls will have a residency at the park. Bernis said the campground will also be a haven for travelers during Sukkot, starting in 2017, and said those wishing to build their Sukkahs there will get a special discount, in addition to a Sukkah building contest and other fun activities specific to the holiday.

Additionally, there will also be a one of a kind bible themed McDonald’s that will offer such items as Jonah and the Filet-O-Fish, Adam’s McBeefRib, the McYeshua, and the Big Maccabee. Bernis believes that having The Golden Arches on premises will attract the annual Golden ARCH Leadership Summit to Arizona, rather than holding the event at the ever unpopular Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando.

Annual passes to Yeshualand Arizona will be available to the public starting in November and will start at $1800 per family up to six; quite a metziah! Stay tuned for more information about Yeshualand Arizona and other locations to come.

MLR 2017 Will Be An African Safari in Kenya

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Phoenix, AZ – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week that the Messianic Leadership Roundtable (MLR) will be held in the African nation of Kenya in 2017 and will partly take place during an African Safari. The annual conference brings together Rabbis and other leaders from all organizations of the Messianic movement and, other than the upcoming Conference Conference and AMF 2.0, is the only true non partisan Messianic conference.

“The 2017 MLR will be the 10th annual conference and we want to do something special to commemorate the milestone,” Bernis stated in a recent YouTube video. “The MLR is normally in Phoenix, where Jewish Voice is headquartered, but we did hold the conference on a cruise last year and it was a big hit. So I had to think, how can I top that for our big 10th anniversary leadership extravaganza? And then it hit me…an African safari! It’s perfect. What better way to learn how to lead a congregation than by gazing at God’s great glory that is wildlife in its natural habitat? And anybody that would like to stay in Africa a little bit longer can bring their name tag from the conference into my new theme park, Yeshualand, for half price admission and a free refillable giraffe shaped soda cup!”

The MLR seeks to promote unity and fellowship among leaders called to Jewish ministry and is open to any leader of a Messianic congregation, para-congregational ministry, or pastor of a church that provides a Jewish ministry within the church. For more information about the MLR please visit www.jewishvoice.org/mlr/

UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference and, therefore, cannot be referred to as a non partisan Messianic conference.