Category Archives: Shofars

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Felt Industry Goes Under as Messianic Congregations Switch to Green Screen Graphics to Cover Up Crosses in the Churches They Rent From

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Murca – In a unanimous decision between all Messianic congregations, this week, the felt banners we have all come to know and tolerate will be going away. In an effort to keep up with technology, modern society, and all the Messianic Rabbis and Rebbetzins who also moonlight as graphic designers, Messianic congregations will be switching to green screen graphics to cover up the crosses in the churches they rent from. Using green screens will be a higher cost up front, but will allow the graphics to change from week to week, rather than staring at the same wall hanging for 40+ years. Sadly, this spells disaster for the soon to be defunct felt industry, which is single handedly supported by Messianic congregations, with their felt banners and now outdated flannel graphs.

“This is a really sad day for all of us,” says Lisa Limestone, owner of the store, Felter Skelter in Piscataway, NJ. “I’ve been in the felt business since the Jesus movement in the 70s and now I have to close up shop because Messianics are modernizing their congregations. First they put the overhead projector industry out of business when they switched to power point worship slides, and now the felt industry. Next they are probably going to announce they don’t need ram’s horns anymore, because there’s an app on their phones that will mimic a shofar sound. Don’t you understand how many rams literally live to become shofars? How many lives will you destroy; how many???”

We are sad for you, Ms. Limestone, really we are, but the times they are a changing. And so too shall the Messianic movement. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Perhaps you can make a new start teaching millennials about the good ol’ days and how the word “literally” didn’t used to mean “figuratively.” Ah, heck, millennials don’t want to learn anything. As for the rest of us, we will always remember how you felt the day your world was cut into various shaped pieces only to be sewn into something even more glorious at a later date. Godspeed, Ms. Limestone. Godspeed.

Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It

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Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.

“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”

While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.

Sesame Workshop to Begin Production on New Messianic Jewish Version of Sesame Street “Tahini Street”

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New York City, NY – Sesame Workshop announced this week it will begin production on its 40th co-production, which will be a Messianic Jewish incarnation called Tahini Street. Tahini Street will draw influence from both its Israeli and American Jewish counterparts, Rechov SumSum and Shalom Sesame, as well as American Messianic Jewish culture. Favorite characters appearing in the show will include Elmo, Moishe Oofnik, and Kippi Ben Kippod, as well as newcomer native Chicagoan Muppets Goldie and Shlomo, and humans, such as Azee the Clown and The Great Benafuchi. Topics covered on the show will include eating, laughing, matchmaking, and conferencing. Special guests that have signed on to appear so far are Joel Chernoff, Stuart Dauermann, Jonathan Cahn, and Susan Perlman.

Some Hebrew lessons will be included, however they will only be transliterated into English, rather than shown with the characters of the Alef-Bet, and will be taught using a flannelgraph. Messianic dancing will also be demonstrated on the show and performed to classic songs such as “Rubber Ducky Lai Lai Lai” and “C is for Challah.” Proper shofar etiquette will be stressed throughout the season, in addition to lessons on what it means to have a Jewish heart and why it’s okay for gentiles to attend and fully participate in a Messianic congregation.

Tahini Street will be available as an app for both iPad/iPhone and Android, so children can watch during screen time. The show will be funded as a joint effort between MJAA, UMJC, JFJ, CPM, JVMI, TLV, and The Messianic Times. Please consider donating to one of these fine organizations to keep Tahini Street in production.

Meme

Tekiah Gedolah

Worship Band Accidentally Mistakes Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” for Old Liberated Wailing Wall Tune

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Irvine, CA – The worship band at Shuvah Yisrael played “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel last Shabbat. The song was played immediately after a classic Paul Wilbur song and brought the worship session to a screeching halt; what would normally be a sweet time to connect with The Lord was met with boos and a cacophony of angry shofar blowing by crestfallen congregants.

When asked why she chose this song, 23 year old worship leader, Kaily Teeter, said, “I honestly thought it was a Liberated Wailing Wall song from the 70s! The folkiness of the song and the lai lai lais—-what else could it possibly be? My boyfriend, Mark, and I are making an album where we bring life into old worship songs and I was just trying to get in touch with our ancestors that played on The Wall to help us prepare for recording the album. Normally my song choices are really well received, but I never even imagined a song with lai lai lai in it would be a secular song by Simon and…who?”

Some say it was an ill timed publicity stunt to help raise funds for Kaily’s upcoming album (www.indiegogo.com/projects/mark-and-kaily-are-making-an-album-music-help#/), while others just blame millennials for anything they possibly can. Nevertheless, Rabbi Larry Feldman said he would have counselors readily available to be a bridge over troubled water for anyone traumatized by this incident.

New Non Partisan Messianic Conference for Those Who Like Attending Messianic Conferences to Take Place This Summer

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Orlando, FL – A new Messianic conference will take place this summer for those who like attending Messianic Conferences. The aptly named “Conference Conference” will be an annual event the week prior to Messiah Conference.

“Messianic Judaism doesn’t have enough conferences, especially in the Orlando area,” stated Conference Conference Founder and Organizer, Stephanie Escalante. “This conference will be different than all the others, however. The workshops offered here will strictly be about how to choose the activities you participate in at the conferences you attend. We will go over the differences between all the Messianic conferences offered, how to choose which Rabbi you want to hear speak, how to choose between Davidic Dancing and Krav Maga, which kind of shofar or tambourine to bring to the evening sessions, how to choose a conference crush (CC) if you’re single, and we’ll even have a panel on how to choose your entree for the conference Shabbat meals. We’ll also be giving everyone a punch card…if you attend 10 other Messianic conferences between the 2017 Conference Conference and the 2018 Conference Conference, you will get half price admission for the 2018 Conference Conference! It can be any 10 Messianic conferences, including, but not limited to Messiah Conference, The UMJC International Conference, Daughters of Righteousness Conference, Meuchad Worship Conference, any YMJA Retreat, The ARCH Leadership Summit, Any MJAA Regional Conference, Muchan, any Jews for Jesus Ingathering, MLR, and even AMF 2.0!”

Conference Conference will take place June 22-25, 2017 at the Rosen Plaza Hotel in Orlando. Early bird registration starts at just $89 per person. Please call (605) 475-6968 to register.

 

UPDATE: We have just received word from AMF 2.0 that they are not actually a conference. Unfortunately, the Conference Conference punch cards will not be valid for said event afterall.