Study Shows Direct Correlation Between Lack of Sleep and Conference Crushes That Are Just So Wrong For You

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Grantham, PA – The results of a study performed at Messiah Conference this past July on a link between the amount of sleep you get at conferences and the likelihood of a Conference Crush (CC) working out, have finally come in. The experiment was performed on a sampling of 100 youth from the YMJA who volunteered to be hooked up to electrodes throughout the duration of this year’s conference. In addition, they placed a camera in the teepee in front of Larsen, as well as in the covered bridge, to monitor behavior of millennials at the conference.

The study found that there is, in fact, a direct correlation between the lack of sleep that is typical of conference goers, and finding a CC that is completely wrong for you. “It’s quite remarkable,” says Dr. David Matzah of The Messianic Behavior Research Institute, an up and coming research facility that studies the odd behavior of Messianics, not common to any other cultures. “Our findings indicated that the less sleep one had during the seven day conference, the more likely they were to be attracted to someone who lives more than 500 miles from them, is already attached to someone else, has an age difference of five or more years, or is someone their parents would never approve of. Okay, who’m I kidding? You’re both Messianic, your parents approve. End of story. Those who were able to sleep a typical number of hours per night during the conference, but who stayed up all night during the lock in on the final night of conference were found to develop star crossed CCs just before leaving to go back home. Sadly, we were unable to find anyone who slept during the lock in, but we assume that should someone like that exist, they would be highly unlikely to develop a star crossed CC, and perhaps they may even have someone waiting for them at home, though they are probably unlikely to be able to form human bonds and that would be why they were sleeping through a lock in to begin with.”

The Messianic Behavior Research Institute concludes that getting a good night’s sleep will prevent everyone from marrying the wrong person, just because they’re both Messianic. Upcoming studies that are scheduled include: Why do Messianics blow shofars in July?, Why do Messianics need food at an event in order to attend?, Why don’t Messianics ever agree on anything?, and How’s that rigorous conference schedule working out for you? To volunteer for a study you may visit yeshuaslist.org for more information. If you participate in and complete a study you will be compensated for your time with a restaurant gift card of your choice.

 

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Guest Post by Sean Emslie | MJTI Announces New Graduate Certificate in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Coming in 2017

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Today, Messianic Jewish Theological Institute President, Rabbi Elliot Klayman announced a new graduate certificate program at MJTI, focused on developing leaders in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts.

Klayman stated, “For the last 20 years, MJTI has been teaching and preparing the next generation of Messianic Rabbis via our Masters in Jewish Studies and Rabbinical School, and, with our recent certificate program in Cantorial Studies, we continue our work of building up the next generation of Messianic Cantors.

In 2017, we’re looking to build up the next generation of another important part of Messianic Jewish life, by raising up the next generation of the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Leaders.

We all know how important it is in Messianic Jewish life to have quality liturgy and quality teaching, which is the work of Cantors and Rabbis. Now we look to focus on the other important areas of Messianic Jewish life, this being the broad category that we call ‘Messianic Jewish worship arts,’ which includes Davidic Dancing, Banner Waving (includes Streamers), Star of David shaped Tambourine playing, and of course, Shofar Blowing (both during the High Holidays and randomly during the year). To build up the next-generation of leaders in these areas, in the Spring 2017 quarter, we are starting the new Graduate Certificate in the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts program.”

The five courses required are:

  1.  The Theology of Davidic Dance

  2.  Leading Davidic Dance

  3.  Banner Waving (Includes Streamers)

  4.  Star of David Shaped Tambourine Skills

  5.  Shofar Blowing for Year Round Use (Why Limit it to the High Holidays?)

Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer, founder and President Emeritus of MJTI, also commented, “MJTI continues to seek to develop a modern mature Messianic Judaism for the future and adding these important skills, especially skilled shofar blowers and banner wavers within our synagogues, will build up leaders for the future. Those gifted in these arts will help to continue growing our movement for the future and help us to cement our role as Jews within the greater Jewish community.”

Klayman also noted, “If there is great interest in our first year, we may consider developing a full Masters program in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts, which would be a 48 unit program with advanced skills training, and thesis, on an area of Messianic Jewish Theology and the Worship Arts.”

For more information on the new program please visit MJTI.org.

 

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New Insect Found Speaking in Tongues Dubbed “Praying Mantis”

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Limón Province, Pococí, Costa Rica – A new insect species was discovered this week in the Tortuguero National Park in Costa Rica. The species was found making noises that resemble human beings speaking in tongues, and was, therefore, dubbed the “Praying Mantis.” This new species is not to be confused with the more commonly known Praying Mantis, which has the Spiritual Gift of Intercession, rather than Tongues. Of course, this sounds incredibly far-fetched, but experts say it is more prevalent than we think.

“It’s actually very common for insects to have been given Spiritual Gifts,” said Leroy Brown, Head of The International Foundation for Charismatic Entomology. “Example: Spiders have the Gift of Craftsmanship, Crickets the Gift of Creative Communication, and Caterpillars have the Gift of Faith. Typically each insect will each have just one Gift, as opposed to humans who generally have around three. Though rare, some insects may also have more than one Spiritual Gift. Now that we’ve discovered a breed of Mantises that can pray in Tongues, I think we may find that some of them will also be able to intercede with the best of them.”

The new breed of Praying Mantis is thought to be found globally, though more research still needs to be done in order to verify that. While it is wonderful that these insects can pray in Tongues, a species of insects that can interpret Tongues has yet to be discovered. In other news, the first Worldwide Charismatic Insect Conference is currently in the works, to be held at The Rosen Plaza Hotel in the Summer of 2017, where mosquitoes will be recognized as the shofars of the insect world.

 

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Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

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Messianic Kicked Out of Local Library After Sounding Shofar in Voting Booth

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Richmond, VA – Reports came in early this morning of a Messianic being forcibly removed from a local library after sounding his shofar in the voting booth, while trying to choose a candidate. 59 year old Glenn Ramshorn of Beit Shofarim Messianic Congregation walked into a voting booth with a three foot long shofar in tow and was heard to yell “THE KING IS COMING!!! THE KING IS COMING!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS IN DISARRAY!!! WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES!!! REVELATION IS HAPPENING!!! TERUAH SHEVARIM” and immediately proceeded to sound his shofar repeatedly until authorities were called and removed Ramshorn from the library, where he was taken into police custody.

Says Ramshorn of his raucous escapade, “Did not the great Paul Wilbur say, ‘We will run, we will run to the mountain of God, we will sound the alarm, the election has come’? Yes, he did. That is our theme song at Beit Shofarim. Only we change the word ‘election’ to whatever sin is happening in the world: abortion, same-sex marriage, Lady Gaga, etc. There is nothing more appropriate to judge peoples’ wrong doing than by blowing shofars at them. It even says so in The Bible, I just can’t remember which verse now. But that’s why we go to Messiah Conference every year and call out people who don’t put money in their envelope for The Joseph Project. YOU ARE ALL WRONG. ALL OF YOU!”

Ramshorn is expected to serve 60 days and jail and pay a fine of $200 for two counts of Disorderly Conduct and Disturbing the Peace. Please remember to keep your voices down in the library and to never blow a shofar in or near someone’s ear and certainly not outside of high holiday services. That type of behavior really blows.

 

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