Murca – In a unanimous decision between all Messianic congregations, this week, the felt banners we have all come to know and tolerate will be going away. In an effort to keep up with technology, modern society, and all the Messianic Rabbis and Rebbetzins who also moonlight as graphic designers, Messianic congregations will be switching to green screen graphics to cover up the crosses in the churches they rent from. Using green screens will be a higher cost up front, but will allow the graphics to change from week to week, rather than staring at the same wall hanging for 40+ years. Sadly, this spells disaster for the soon to be defunct felt industry, which is single handedly supported by Messianic congregations, with their felt banners and now outdated flannel graphs.

“This is a really sad day for all of us,” says Lisa Limestone, owner of the store, Felter Skelter in Piscataway, NJ. “I’ve been in the felt business since the Jesus movement in the 70s and now I have to close up shop because Messianics are modernizing their congregations. First they put the overhead projector industry out of business when they switched to power point worship slides, and now the felt industry. Next they are probably going to announce they don’t need ram’s horns anymore, because there’s an app on their phones that will mimic a shofar sound. Don’t you understand how many rams literally live to become shofars? How many lives will you destroy; how many???”

We are sad for you, Ms. Limestone, really we are, but the times they are a changing. And so too shall the Messianic movement. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Perhaps you can make a new start teaching millennials about the good ol’ days and how the word “literally” didn’t used to mean “figuratively.” Ah, heck, millennials don’t want to learn anything. As for the rest of us, we will always remember how you felt the day your world was cut into various shaped pieces only to be sewn into something even more glorious at a later date. Godspeed, Ms. Limestone. Godspeed.