Category Archives: Rosenbergs

Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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Matt Rosenberg’s Assistant Rabbi Injures Self in Freak Guitar String Changing Accident; Turns Incident Into Profit

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Seattle, WA – Last week, Aybars Uckun, Assistant Rabbi of Restoration Seattle (soon to be Yeshualand Seattle), cut his eye in a freak guitar string changing accident. What would normally be nothing to fret over became a huge ordeal that sent Aybars to the doctor and forced him to have to temporarily wear an eye patch. Fortunately, quick thinking Aybars was able to take the horrific occurrence and make it profitable for himself, in less than a week’s time.

The forlorn Aybars took his experience and is now using it to help others who may find themselves in a hazardous situation that involves changing strings on an instrument. He is now producing special ocular protection to prevent other similar injuries that he is calling “Aybars’ Eye Bars,” which is pictured below.

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“Okay, so it’s technically the VISOR that LeVar Burton wore in Star Trek, and it’s technically copyright infringement,” said Aybars in his newly released infomercial, “but the Messianic movement is much too small for anyone in the secular world to care about those minor details. Besides, I’m doing people a favor by making sure they don’t poke themselves in the eye with those dangerous guitar strings. If anything, Star Trek should be thanking me for helping guitar players live long and prosper.”

Aybars’ Eye Bars will be available at all Yeshualand gift shops, as well as Sam Ash and Guitar Center stores nationwide, to start. When asked how he was able to make all of this happen so quickly, Aybars replied, “I pulled some strings.”

 

 

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Greater Messianic Community Asks That Everyone Please Change Their Last Name to Adler

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Murca – The greater Messianic community has issued a statement sent to all Messianic congregations in America asking that everyone who identifies as Messianic please change their last name to Adler. Representatives from all major Messianic organizations came together this week to discuss the future of Messianic Judaism and how we can greater impact the world. A decision was made that we need to be set apart from everyone else and the best way to do that is to unite with a common last name so that everyone knows we are together. A study put out by the MJAA and the UMJC has shown that the most common last name in Messianic Judaism is Adler; more Messianics either already have the last name, Adler, or are related to someone who does. Choosing Adler as the common last name means less people will have to change their name.

“Yeah I’m part of the Adler clan, but not everyone realizes that, because my last name is Walters,” stated Messianic community member Joshua Isaac Walters. “It’s really hard to go to a Messianic conference and pull the ‘Do you know who I am?’ card when my last name isn’t even recognized as being Messianic. And my Father-in-law is a Messianic Rabbi, but he has a different last name entirely. It’s just hard, sometimes, to be taken seriously in this movement when you’re not a Chernoff or a Rosenberg or an Adler. I agree with this decision 100%.”

While not a requirement to be Messianic, going through life with the same last name as all your Messianic mishpocha will certainly make things easier. And as Yeshua said, “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have the same last name.” Or something like that.

 

 

***Rabbi Jeff Adler suffered a heart attack this past May and is working hard to recover. Please consider donating to help him with his medical bills and expenses gofundme.com/rabbijeff

Restoration Seattle Will Be Absorbed by Fourth Yeshualand Location

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Seattle, WA – Jonathan Bernis, President and CEO of Jewish Voice Ministries International, announced this week the fourth Yeshualand theme park will be opening just outside of Seattle, in an undisclosed location. Yeshualand Seattle will be joining the rapidly expanding chain, following Yeshualand Ethiopia, Yeshualand Arizona, and Yeshualand Moon. Yeshualand Seattle will be unique in that it will be absorbing local Messianic congregation, Restoration Seattle.

“Changing the name of a congregation goes against everything I believe in,” Rabbi Matt Rosenberg posted on Facebook, “but J. Bern convinced me it was the right thing to do…for the good of all the tourists in Seattle. What better way to win hearts for Yeshua than to actually have a Shabbat service for people who are just hanging out at a theme park? It’s actually pretty awesome. Can’t argue with The Bern. #YeshualandSeattle #Seattle #happyrabbi #jvmi #TheBern #RestorationApp #donotfear #themepark #awesome #rollercoasters #cantwait #soexcited #thiswillbeawesome #soawesome #awesome”

In addition to a synagogue in the middle of it, Yeshualand Seattle will have similar attractions to its Ethiopia and Arizona counterparts, but will also have four Whirlyball courts, a funicular, and ironically, a Restoration Hardware that will pay homage to the soon to be former Restoration Seattle. The whole theme park will be made in a retractable dome, so that rain, snow, and other elements will not affect the park’s hours and allow Yeshualand Seattle to remain open year round. In addition, Yeshualand Seattle will have a show featuring The Rock-a fire Explosion: the animatronic band, formerly of Showbiz Pizza, which would later become Chuck E. Cheese’s. Rock-a fire Explosion will be programmed to perform the greatest hits of the classic Messianic band, Lamb. Yeshualand will also finally be introducing their first mascot; Joyful Joe Miterko will be walking around the park as “Mr. Yeshualand.”

Yeshualand Seattle is set to open early to mid 2017, and, according to Bernis, will most likely be the last location to open for quite a while. To track progress of Restoration’s transition into Yeshualand Seattle, please visit shalomseattle.com

Messianic Musicians Come Together to Record Song to Raise Funds for Repeated Droughts in Israel

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Murca – Nearly every recording artist in the Messianic movement has come together, in the style of live aid, to record a song to raise funds for the repeated droughts in Israel. In America, we pray for rain to stop, but in Israel they pray for it to start; perspective. The song “It Shall Rain Over All the Earth” was recorded over the course of two months and is expected to be released between Sukkot and Passover, when God causes the wind to blow and the rain to fall.

The cavalcade of Messianic stars includes the following artists: Corry Bell, Ted Pearce, Joel Chernoff, Paul Wilbur, Marty Goetz, Jamie H. of MIQEDEM, Shai Sol, Deborah Kline-Iatorno, Jeremiah & Hannah Zaretsky, Alumni from ‘Yeladim for Yeshua’ and ‘You Gotta Jump,’ former members of The Liberated Wailing Wall, former members of Blue Mosaic, The Havdalah Spice Girls (Beckah Shae, Sharon Wilbur, Misha Goetz, Elisha Chernoff, and Rebecca Rudolf), Nate Benjamin, Roman & Alaina, Jonathan Settel, Rabbi Jan Rosenberg, Matt Gliebe and Kimi Moore Padrick (NAVI), Isaac Faraco (How to Fly), Joshua Aaron, Dr Greg Silverman, Eric & Joanne Kragenbrink, Judah & Jennifer Morrison, Barry & Batya Segal, Kaily Teeter, and Margaret Alexander. There will also be a special rap verse by Hazakim, Jeremiah Kaufman, and Aviad Cohen.

The new single will be available on iTunes, mjaa.org, umjc.org, jewsforjesus.org, and jewishvoice.org for $10 and 100% of proceeds will go towards helping make it rain in Israel. The group calls themselves “It’s Raining Mensches” and hopes to be able to perform together at AMF 2.0.

The Rosenberg Special to Debut at Taco Bell

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Irvine, CA – Taco Bell announced this week it would be trying out a new menu item called “The Rosenberg Special”—-a grilled cheese sandwich with turkey bacon. Typically only served at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania during the week of the 4th of July, The Rosenberg Special was made popular by Rabbi Matt Rosenberg nearly two decades ago while attending Messiah Conference and specially requesting turkey bacon on his grilled cheese at the popular campus cafe, The Falcon. Being the accommodating people that they are, the powers that be at The Falcon purchased turkey bacon specifically for Rosenberg, and have made it readily available at Messiah Conference every year since then.

“We wanted to add an item that was completely different from everything else on our menu,” stated Brian Niccol, CEO of Taco Bell. “Burger King is doing the same thing right now with The Whopperito and McDonald’s is also testing out macaroni and cheese at select locations. Expanding the menu options is a win win situation for everyone: we get a wider audience, which leads to higher profits for us, and customers who wouldn’t normally be eating at Taco Bell now have a reason to dine there.”

The Rosenberg Special will be available for a limited trial run before Taco Bell decides whether or not to roll it out nationally. The sandwich will be available in all Seattle and Chicago locations, but only between the 15th and the 21st of Nisan, 5777.

Government to Start Taxing Clap Offerings

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Deerfield, IL – The worship band at Adat HaTikvah Messianic Synagogue had just finished playing “Oceans” by Hillsong United when worship leader, Jeremiah Zaretsky asked the congregation to give a clap offering to God. The applause was becoming more and more thunderous until Illinois Governor, Bruce Rauner, appeared out of nowhere and jumped on stage. Rauner announced he would, henceforth, be taking 8.9% of the claps with him so that he could start tipping his waiter at The Olive Garden during official political meetings.

When asked for comment, Spiritual Leader, Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, said, “Taxing clap offerings is completely unfair and unnecessary. What ever happened to separation of church and state? Those claps could have been used to expand our Star Wars ministry or to provide pizza for needy seagulls in our parking lot.”

A recent Gallup Poll estimated that clap offerings are down 30% in Illinois since the new tax was introduced. Some churches have even banned clap offerings altogether, just to make sure the claps don’t end up in the wrong hands.