Category Archives: Pop Culture

Jews for Jesus to Start Requiring Their Missionaries to Have Tattoos

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San Francisco, CA – While the common stereotype for Jewish people is to not have tattoos or else they can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, Jews for Jesus, the leading organization for Jewish evangelism, has never been one to follow the crowd. On the forefront of an ever changing society, JFJ has always been a pioneer in developing and executing new ideas and their latest idea will shock the entire Jewish community: mandatory tattoos for their missionaries.

“It’s a new day and we need a new way to reach as many UJs [Unsaved Jews] as we can,” said JFJ Executive Director, David Brickner. “One of our missionaries, Arielle Randle, presented a paper earlier this year at the Lausanne Consultation on Jewish Evangelism Conference of North America titled ‘Nothing New Under the Sun: What Jewish young adults today have in common with their parents’ generation and why they are just as open to the gospel.’ In it she stated, ‘Through culturally relevant methods, the gospel was brought to the hippies. Now we must bring it to the hipsters.’  I couldn’t agree with that more. The one thing every hipster has in common with other hipsters is that they all have tattoos! The best way to reach hipsters is to blend in with them; make them think we’re one of them. How do you do that? Have tattoos! So we’re starting to require our missionaries to have tattoos in order to better reach our #1 target audience: hipsters. Some of our missionaries already have tattoos, which is great. They’ll be the ones leading our sorties and other evangelistic events. Our other missionaries were given a year to comply, which I thought was adequate time to pick out a tattoo and artist. Not everyone agreed with this new policy. You’ll notice a lot of our staff have left recently. It was displeasure over this policy that they all left, but I can assure you I still stand by it 100%. It’s also a great way to weed out those who aren’t serious about sharing the gospel with hipsters. And don’t worry, we’re allowing everyone to choose their own tattoos, though we did strongly recommend they get the Shema tattooed upon their hands or as a frontlet between their eyes.”

Jews for Jesus is definitely venturing to go where no Jewish evangelist has gone before, with mandatory tattoos, but we trust that they know what they’re doing. If you’d like to help their missionaries pick out tattoos you may visit jewsforjesus.org and if you’d like to read Arielle’s entire article that this idea was based on you can find that at http://www.lcje-na.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Randle_Arielle.pdf

Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Golde Lox and the Three Shmears

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Once upon a time there was a little Jewish girl named Golde Lox that lived in Brooklyn. Like every normal Jewish person of any age, Golde Lox loved to eat. One day Golde Lox got very hungry and there was no leftover Chinese food in the fridge, so she hopped on the F Train to go off in search of food. After getting off at the 7th Ave Station, she found three adjacent bagel shops. Of course she did, this is Brooklyn, after all.

The first bagel shop, Feigel’s Bagels, was your average, run of the mill bagel shop. Golde purchased a bagel and shmear, but the bagel was entirely too soft. “Feh!” She thought. “How can they possibly think these goyshe bagels could pass? Especially in this neighborhood. What do they take me for, a shiksa? May as well go to Stop & Shop and buy a bag of Lender’s.” So she threw the bagel on the ground for some pigeons to eat and moved on to the second shop, which was called “What Does the Lox Say?”

What Does the Lox Say? was running a special on trendy rainbow bagels, so Golde purchased a rainbow bagel with a shmear, but it was hard as a rock. “Uch!” She groaned. “What is this dreck?! This feels like a foul ball from a Mets game. I could chip my tooth on this…what are these shmendriks thinking?!” So Golde stormed out, but pocketed the overly hard bagel to throw at her conference crush’s window at a later date, to get his attention.

The third shop Golde found was called “Nes Good Dough Haya Po” and was also having a special on rainbow bagels. In addition, they carried Gluten-free, organic, and non GMO bagels too. Golde opted for an organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and checked in on Facebook to receive 10% off her order, which was still $5, even after the discount. “$5 for a bagel and a shmear?! I thought this was a bagel shop, not the Dominique Ansel Kitchen! I’m starving and just want a farkakta bagel. Oy gevalt with this city!” Nevertheless, she ate the bagel and then shrieked with glee; it was not too hard, not too soft, but just right. Like a good Jewish bagel should be.

Golde hopped back on the F train to head home, her stomach and heart full; her pockets, not so much. She went to sleep and dreamed of the organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and the aptly named bagel shop on 7th ave. A good dough miracle truly did happen there.

And she lived jappily ever after.

The end.

YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.

“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”

The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.

Guest Post by Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Back to the Future, and It *IS* a Shock!

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Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly of “Back to the Future” fame are currently recuperating at an undisclosed location from what they term “mega future shock.”  It seems that Brown and McFly, in their most recent adventure, visited a combined MJAA/UMJC Conference in New America city, Bernisopolis, “in the mid-distant future.” Brown said they were stunned to discover something for which no one could have been adequately prepared.

“They were all Jews!” screamed McFly, still unable to digest what he had seen. “All of them, except for some intermarrieds; they were all Jews!” At this point he became so agitated his nurse had to increase the sedatives in his drip.

Brown continued, “We never expected to encounter such a movement in crisis. The problem is that many Jews are coming to believe in Yeshua, and the movement just can’t turn them away. Everyone is getting disoriented!”

In their excursion into the future, Brown and McFly talked with Tambourina Fruma Lopez-MacGillicuddy, who is leading a protest movement, “G.U.B.G.O.D.” “Give Us Back the Good Old Days,” which insists on amending the constitutions of the Union and the Alliance to have an 85 percent Gentile, 15 percent Jewish demographic balance, “like the good old days.”

Speaking to reporters at a recent protest, she put aside her bullhorn, shouting over the crowd noises of blowing shofars and Paul Wilbur V recordings,  “I mean, O.K., for a long time we’ve known it’s the Messianic Jewish Alliance, and the Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations, but let’s get real here!  Everyone knew that what we meant by Jewish was Jewish-style. But this is ridiculous!  We’re overrun with Jews, and the attendance at our Davidic dance classes is disappearing!”

Asked if they plan to have a press conference giving further details, Brown and McFly wouldn’t say. “We’re sick of heart, and really confused. Now we’ve told you. But beyond this, it would be too dangerous to say more.”

We here at the Messianic Meow will keep you posted of further developments as, and if, they become known to us.

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Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It

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Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.

“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”

While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.

Haftorah? Hoff-Torah!

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“Hassel-Hoff-Torah” by Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg. Available now in Bay-Area-Watch Congregations!

Miri in the Village Admits to Once Having Smoked Potstickers

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Raleigh, NC – Popular Messianic DIY and Kosher food blogger, Miri in the Village, admitted this week she once smoked potstickers when she was first starting to cook. Miri is now considered the Messianic Martha Stewart, but once upon a time, even Martha Stewart had to start from the beginning. Miri is not exempt from once having been a beginner, though most people don’t make an error that gets so much media attention.

“I was young and naive,” Miri stated in an interview early yesterday morning. “It was just an experiment that not only went wrong, but now haunts my entire career and my life. I swear it was a one time thing and I would never do it again. I’ve learned my lesson: it’s okay to smoke the meat inside of potstickers, but it’s not okay to smoke potstickers themselves. I now only fry or steam them. And I make a lot of Kosher Asian food these days. You can visit my web site for some recipes, none of which involve smoking potstickers.”

Miri’s Father-in-Law, a Messianic Rabbi who chose to remain nameless, was heard to say: “Smoke potstickers?! No Grandbaby Mama of mine would ever do such a thing. I’ve never heard of this woman in my life. Oh, you’re talking about food? Okay, yeah, I know her. Her food is wonderful.”

Here, at The Messianic Meow, we think Miri has recited The Al Chet enough times in her life to atone for this mistake and she has been forgiven. For awesome Kosher recipes and DIY projects please visit www.miriinthevillage.com