Category Archives: Politics

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

UMJC Votes to Consider Gentiles Human Beings

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Los Angeles, CA – In a strange turn of events this week, The Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations called forth an emergency meeting to vote once and for all on an important subject matter than has plagued the Messianic movement since the beginning of time: are Gentiles actually human beings or did they, in fact, descend from monsters, as our ancestors foretold?

“You know what? I’m real sick of the way Gentiles are treated in this movement!” Said former UMJC President, Rabbi Kirk Gliebe. “They only get half of a vote in the MJAA and no vote whatsoever in the YMJA. They can’t even work on the front lines of Jews for Jesus unless they’re married to a Jewish person. The UMJC is better than that! The MJAA doesn’t have to acknowledge Gentiles as humans, but we have to be the ones to set the example. We have to be a light. Monsters are people, too.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” Rabbi Rich Nichol added. “Monsters have every bit of right to be here as real Jewish human beings do. Let’s stop making them drink out of separate Kiddish cups and remove the Monster mechitzas we all have in our congregations and let them be discriminated against by secular Jews and Christians for being part of the Messianic movement, like the rest of us! We’re all in this together and most of them actually work harder and contribute more to the Messianic movement than us Jews do. One of them even changed my flat tire last week so I didn’t have to call AAA!”

The vote to consider Gentiles human beings passed almost unanimously and Rich Nichol helped celebrate the victory by playing a jazz flute solo he called “The Monsters Won’t Hurt Me Because They’re on My Side.” Now we hope and pray the other organizations in the movement will read Ephesians 2:11-22 and just let everyone play together in the sandbox, as God intended. Unity is the answer. No wonder there are so many issues in the movement.

Donald Trump Endorses Year Round Consumption of Round Challah

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New York City, NY – Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, discovered round challah this week while walking through Brooklyn. Challah, a traditional ceremonial Jewish bread, is braided and only formed in a circle for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year, as a symbol of the continuing cycle of the years and seasons. While anyone baking challah can choose to form it in a circle at any point, it is only found in bakeries and stores in a round shape during the high holidays.

“I love the Jews,” Donald stated in an interview. “All my kids are dating or married to Jews. One of my kids IS a Jew! And I love their bread; I could just eat that all day. But I saw it round this week, like a bowling ball. In fact, I used it as a bowling ball. Why don’t they do this all year? They should really do this all year. We’ll do CH-allah bowling in the White House bowling alley. I’m going to have my servants make me round CH-allah every day for the rest of my life. I love bread. And Jews. Jew bread.”

Trump then went on and on about how he loves Jews and plans to build a wall around all Jewish communities in America to 1) Keep them safe from harm 2) Make them feel like they’re in Jerusalem 3) Keep them from mingling with everyone else. When asked how big the walls would be, Trump simply replied, “They’re gonna be ‘UGE.”

Yeshua Returns to Run for President of The United States

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Washington DC- Yeshua HaMashiach, more widely known as Jesus Christ, has finally returned to Earth after a wait of more than 2000 years. “I’ve been watching this entire upcoming American Presidential Election very closely, and with Donald Trump officially being given the GOP nomination, I knew I had to step in and do something; I’m throwing my Kippah in the ring,” Yeshua stated.

Mashiach, who is running on the ticket of the newly formed Chosen Party, held a rally in Washington DC for His supporters earlier this week. “I stand for life, I stand for love, I stand for hope, I stand for forgiveness, I stand for grace, I stand for redemption, and I stand for light. If you can get behind that then I’m your man.” His short, but very impactful speech was met with thunderous applause, while Ben and Jerry’s handed out samples of their newest creation, Christ on a Graham Cracker, to hungry, but hopeful citizens at the rally.

Yeshua seemed to be a shoo-in to be the next President, until it was pointed out that He does not actually qualify to run for the position, due to the fact that He is under 35 and was not born in The U.S.

When asked to comment on what His next move was going to be, Yeshua replied, in His best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, “I’ll be back.”

Government to Start Taxing Clap Offerings

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Deerfield, IL – The worship band at Adat HaTikvah Messianic Synagogue had just finished playing “Oceans” by Hillsong United when worship leader, Jeremiah Zaretsky asked the congregation to give a clap offering to God. The applause was becoming more and more thunderous until Illinois Governor, Bruce Rauner, appeared out of nowhere and jumped on stage. Rauner announced he would, henceforth, be taking 8.9% of the claps with him so that he could start tipping his waiter at The Olive Garden during official political meetings.

When asked for comment, Spiritual Leader, Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, said, “Taxing clap offerings is completely unfair and unnecessary. What ever happened to separation of church and state? Those claps could have been used to expand our Star Wars ministry or to provide pizza for needy seagulls in our parking lot.”

A recent Gallup Poll estimated that clap offerings are down 30% in Illinois since the new tax was introduced. Some churches have even banned clap offerings altogether, just to make sure the claps don’t end up in the wrong hands.