Deerfield, IL – The worship band at Adat HaTikvah Messianic Synagogue had just finished playing “Oceans” by Hillsong United when worship leader, Jeremiah Zaretsky asked the congregation to give a clap offering to God. The applause was becoming more and more thunderous until Illinois Governor, Bruce Rauner, appeared out of nowhere and jumped on stage. Rauner announced he would, henceforth, be taking 8.9% of the claps with him so that he could start tipping his waiter at The Olive Garden during official political meetings.

When asked for comment, Spiritual Leader, Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, said, “Taxing clap offerings is completely unfair and unnecessary. What ever happened to separation of church and state? Those claps could have been used to expand our Star Wars ministry or to provide pizza for needy seagulls in our parking lot.”

A recent Gallup Poll estimated that clap offerings are down 30% in Illinois since the new tax was introduced. Some churches have even banned clap offerings altogether, just to make sure the claps don’t end up in the wrong hands.