Category Archives: Millennials

Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

Support the Meow: www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

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The Messianic Meow to Sell T-shirts That Tell the Entire Messianic Movement That Person Next to You is Not Your Spouse

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Murca – If you’re an adult that has ever been to a Messianic conference or visited a new congregation, odds are you’ve had at least a few people ask you if the person of the opposite sex standing next to you is your husband or wife. While this mostly affects those of the millennial generation, people of all ages have been mistaken for spouses. It’s a common enough occurrence that something needs to be done about it.

“I’ve been through this myself,” said Messianic Meow Creator, Jami Robins. “It’s happened so many times: I was asked if my boyfriend was my husband, I was asked if my brother-in-law was my husband, I was once even asked if my DAD was my husband, just because he was sitting with me during Shabbat services at a UMJC Conference. NO! But the final straw for me was when someone assumed I was my Rabbi’s wife because I was with him in the marketplace at Messiah Conference. ENOUGH. I’m tired of this happening and I had to do something about it. So now we’ve got these t-shirts that people can wear to conferences that simply say on them ‘No, that is not my husband’ or ‘No, that is not my wife.’ There will be no question about it and it will save everyone embarrassment. Yes, you want us to marry other Messianics, and that’s great, but some people just aren’t married to each other. In fact, MOST people aren’t married to each other.”

The new T-shirts will be available online and at The Marketplace at all Regional and National UMJC and MJAA Conferences. Shirts will be $30 individually, with a discount for bulk orders. You will also be able to receive one of these shirts for free with a donation of $18 a month or more through The Messianic Meow Patreon web site. Robins says these shirts will hopefully eliminate the need for older Jewish women to go around asking people they don’t know if they are married to each other. She also said what you’re reading right now is literally an article of clothing.

Survey

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

The Messianic Meow in The Messianic Times

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The Messianic Meow is featured in the November/December issue of The Messianic Times! Here’s a sneak peak 🙂

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Jews for Jesus to Start Requiring Their Missionaries to Have Tattoos

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San Francisco, CA – While the common stereotype for Jewish people is to not have tattoos or else they can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, Jews for Jesus, the leading organization for Jewish evangelism, has never been one to follow the crowd. On the forefront of an ever changing society, JFJ has always been a pioneer in developing and executing new ideas and their latest idea will shock the entire Jewish community: mandatory tattoos for their missionaries.

“It’s a new day and we need a new way to reach as many UJs [Unsaved Jews] as we can,” said JFJ Executive Director, David Brickner. “One of our missionaries, Arielle Randle, presented a paper earlier this year at the Lausanne Consultation on Jewish Evangelism Conference of North America titled ‘Nothing New Under the Sun: What Jewish young adults today have in common with their parents’ generation and why they are just as open to the gospel.’ In it she stated, ‘Through culturally relevant methods, the gospel was brought to the hippies. Now we must bring it to the hipsters.’  I couldn’t agree with that more. The one thing every hipster has in common with other hipsters is that they all have tattoos! The best way to reach hipsters is to blend in with them; make them think we’re one of them. How do you do that? Have tattoos! So we’re starting to require our missionaries to have tattoos in order to better reach our #1 target audience: hipsters. Some of our missionaries already have tattoos, which is great. They’ll be the ones leading our sorties and other evangelistic events. Our other missionaries were given a year to comply, which I thought was adequate time to pick out a tattoo and artist. Not everyone agreed with this new policy. You’ll notice a lot of our staff have left recently. It was displeasure over this policy that they all left, but I can assure you I still stand by it 100%. It’s also a great way to weed out those who aren’t serious about sharing the gospel with hipsters. And don’t worry, we’re allowing everyone to choose their own tattoos, though we did strongly recommend they get the Shema tattooed upon their hands or as a frontlet between their eyes.”

Jews for Jesus is definitely venturing to go where no Jewish evangelist has gone before, with mandatory tattoos, but we trust that they know what they’re doing. If you’d like to help their missionaries pick out tattoos you may visit jewsforjesus.org and if you’d like to read Arielle’s entire article that this idea was based on you can find that at http://www.lcje-na.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Randle_Arielle.pdf

Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Golde Lox and the Three Shmears

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Once upon a time there was a little Jewish girl named Golde Lox that lived in Brooklyn. Like every normal Jewish person of any age, Golde Lox loved to eat. One day Golde Lox got very hungry and there was no leftover Chinese food in the fridge, so she hopped on the F Train to go off in search of food. After getting off at the 7th Ave Station, she found three adjacent bagel shops. Of course she did, this is Brooklyn, after all.

The first bagel shop, Feigel’s Bagels, was your average, run of the mill bagel shop. Golde purchased a bagel and shmear, but the bagel was entirely too soft. “Feh!” She thought. “How can they possibly think these goyshe bagels could pass? Especially in this neighborhood. What do they take me for, a shiksa? May as well go to Stop & Shop and buy a bag of Lender’s.” So she threw the bagel on the ground for some pigeons to eat and moved on to the second shop, which was called “What Does the Lox Say?”

What Does the Lox Say? was running a special on trendy rainbow bagels, so Golde purchased a rainbow bagel with a shmear, but it was hard as a rock. “Uch!” She groaned. “What is this dreck?! This feels like a foul ball from a Mets game. I could chip my tooth on this…what are these shmendriks thinking?!” So Golde stormed out, but pocketed the overly hard bagel to throw at her conference crush’s window at a later date, to get his attention.

The third shop Golde found was called “Nes Good Dough Haya Po” and was also having a special on rainbow bagels. In addition, they carried Gluten-free, organic, and non GMO bagels too. Golde opted for an organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and checked in on Facebook to receive 10% off her order, which was still $5, even after the discount. “$5 for a bagel and a shmear?! I thought this was a bagel shop, not the Dominique Ansel Kitchen! I’m starving and just want a farkakta bagel. Oy gevalt with this city!” Nevertheless, she ate the bagel and then shrieked with glee; it was not too hard, not too soft, but just right. Like a good Jewish bagel should be.

Golde hopped back on the F train to head home, her stomach and heart full; her pockets, not so much. She went to sleep and dreamed of the organic rainbow multi-grain bagel with a strawberry shmear, and the aptly named bagel shop on 7th ave. A good dough miracle truly did happen there.

And she lived jappily ever after.

The end.

Felt Industry Goes Under as Messianic Congregations Switch to Green Screen Graphics to Cover Up Crosses in the Churches They Rent From

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Murca – In a unanimous decision between all Messianic congregations, this week, the felt banners we have all come to know and tolerate will be going away. In an effort to keep up with technology, modern society, and all the Messianic Rabbis and Rebbetzins who also moonlight as graphic designers, Messianic congregations will be switching to green screen graphics to cover up the crosses in the churches they rent from. Using green screens will be a higher cost up front, but will allow the graphics to change from week to week, rather than staring at the same wall hanging for 40+ years. Sadly, this spells disaster for the soon to be defunct felt industry, which is single handedly supported by Messianic congregations, with their felt banners and now outdated flannel graphs.

“This is a really sad day for all of us,” says Lisa Limestone, owner of the store, Felter Skelter in Piscataway, NJ. “I’ve been in the felt business since the Jesus movement in the 70s and now I have to close up shop because Messianics are modernizing their congregations. First they put the overhead projector industry out of business when they switched to power point worship slides, and now the felt industry. Next they are probably going to announce they don’t need ram’s horns anymore, because there’s an app on their phones that will mimic a shofar sound. Don’t you understand how many rams literally live to become shofars? How many lives will you destroy; how many???”

We are sad for you, Ms. Limestone, really we are, but the times they are a changing. And so too shall the Messianic movement. We wish you luck in your future endeavors. Perhaps you can make a new start teaching millennials about the good ol’ days and how the word “literally” didn’t used to mean “figuratively.” Ah, heck, millennials don’t want to learn anything. As for the rest of us, we will always remember how you felt the day your world was cut into various shaped pieces only to be sewn into something even more glorious at a later date. Godspeed, Ms. Limestone. Godspeed.