Category Archives: Jewish Culture

2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Local Messianic Congregation Folds After Weekly Oneg is Skipped

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St. Louis, MO – Temple Brit Chadasha has, very sadly, closed its doors this week after 26 years of service to the Messianic Community of St. Louis. The congregation shut down after just two weeks of not having a weekly oneg. 62 year old Ruth Goldfinger, who is in charge of coordinating the onegs, was in the hospital having a Hysterectomy, and was therefore unable to fulfill her oneg-ly duties. Being that there was no runner up to take over organizing these post congregational meals, the weekly tradition was temporarily canceled until Goldfinger could be back on her feet. Unfortunately, the lack of patience in the congregants prevented them from coming altogether, knowing there would be no meal waiting for them after the Rabbi’s sermon ended.

“As long as I’ve been a believer I’ve been told to only go where I’m fed,” former congregant, Betsy Morgandorffer, told The Messianic Times. “We’re definitely not being fed here and it’s time to move on now. If I’m gonna sit through a Torah service and a 45 minute sermon you best be feeding me bagels and cream cheese with lox and a side of overly ripe fruit afterwards. The only thing that sets Messianic Synagogues apart from Secular Synagogues is the fact that we have oneg after services. I may as well be Orthodox at this point.”

Morgandorffer and her fellow congregants have all disbursed to various other congregations, including churches and secular Synagogues. Everyone has completely forgotten about poor Ruth Goldfinger and her health issues and is just focusing on themselves and their want for free food, which they are definitely not getting at their respective new congregations either. At least if they had just been patient and waited for Ruth to return, the onegs would have started back up again. Or, better yet, someone else could have stepped up to organize it. Aww who’m I kidding? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

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Meme

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And the winner of the first ever Messianic Meow caption contest is Craig Arbour. Mazel tov, Craig!

 

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Modern Yiddish Fairy Tales: Chicken Soup Little

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Once upon a time there was a little bowl of Chicken Soup with legs named Chicken Soup Little. One day, Chicken Soup Little was sitting on the floor of her kitchen, when a matzah ball rolled off of the counter and onto her little keppe. “The sky is falling!” She cried. “The sky is falling!” And scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager, so he can close up shop.

On the way, she met up with her friend, Henny Youngman Penny. “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little cried. “How do you know?” Asked Henny Youngman Penny. “I was in my kitchen minding my own business, when a piece of the sky fell down and conked me on the keppe!” Chicken Soup Little Explained. “Oh please,” Henny Youngman Penny retorted. “You’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time. What makes you think it’s the sky?” “Well,” Chicken Soup Little replied. “When I consulted The Googles on falling objects it said it was probably the sky falling!!” “Oh no!” Shrieked Henny Youngman Penny!” “If The Googles told you that it must be true!!! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they ran into Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny screamed. “How do you know?” Asked Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Replied Chicken Soup Little. “Oh please, you’re such a shlemazl…things fall on you all the time!” Turkey Reuben Shmurkey responded. “What makes you think it was the sky?” “I asked The Googles what it could possibly be and it said it was the sky!” Chicken Soup Little yelped. “Oh no!” Yelled Turkey Reuben Shmurkey. “If The Googles says it was the sky then it has to have been the sky! We must go tell The Deli Manager!!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they spotted Hoppel Poppel. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little, Henny Youngman Penny, and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey screamed. “Whoa whoa slow down. I get that you guys are famisht, but what do you mean the sky is falling?” Asked Hoppel Poppel. “A piece of the sky fell on me this morning!” Exclaimed Chicken Soup Little. “I know it was the sky because The Googles told me it was!” “Oy gevalt en himmel!” Hoppel Poppel bellowed. “If The Googles told you the sky is falling then surely the sky must be falling! Mach shnell! We must go tell The Deli Manager!” And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel scooted off into the woods to tell The Deli Manager.

On the way they discovered that farkakta Foxy Loxy waiting in the woods. “Hello, shayna punims.” He said, as he pinched each of them on their cheeks. “What brings you all into the woods today?” “The sky is falling!” Chicken Soup Little blurted out. “The sky is falling! A piece of it fell on me this morning. I used The Googles to confirm it was the sky falling! We are on our way to tell The Deli Manager so he can close up shop!” “Oh dear,” said that farkakta Foxy Loxy. “Well, I know a shortcut to get to The Deli Manager. Why don’t you all step into my den and I will show you?”

And Chicken Soup Little and Henny Youngman Penny and Turkey Reuben Shmurkey and Hoppel Poppel all followed that farkakta Foxy Loxy into his den. And, wouldn’t you know, that farkakta Foxy Loxy devoured every single one of them and washed them down with a can of delicious Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda.

And they were never seen or heard from again.

The end.

 

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Meme Contest

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Caption this: the best comment will be made into a meme, with credit given to the person who came up with the caption. (If you can’t tell, this is a room full of Shofars)

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Guest Post by Sean Emslie | MJTI Announces New Graduate Certificate in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Coming in 2017

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Today, Messianic Jewish Theological Institute President, Rabbi Elliot Klayman announced a new graduate certificate program at MJTI, focused on developing leaders in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts.

Klayman stated, “For the last 20 years, MJTI has been teaching and preparing the next generation of Messianic Rabbis via our Masters in Jewish Studies and Rabbinical School, and, with our recent certificate program in Cantorial Studies, we continue our work of building up the next generation of Messianic Cantors.

In 2017, we’re looking to build up the next generation of another important part of Messianic Jewish life, by raising up the next generation of the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts Leaders.

We all know how important it is in Messianic Jewish life to have quality liturgy and quality teaching, which is the work of Cantors and Rabbis. Now we look to focus on the other important areas of Messianic Jewish life, this being the broad category that we call ‘Messianic Jewish worship arts,’ which includes Davidic Dancing, Banner Waving (includes Streamers), Star of David shaped Tambourine playing, and of course, Shofar Blowing (both during the High Holidays and randomly during the year). To build up the next-generation of leaders in these areas, in the Spring 2017 quarter, we are starting the new Graduate Certificate in the Messianic Jewish Worship Arts program.”

The five courses required are:

  1.  The Theology of Davidic Dance

  2.  Leading Davidic Dance

  3.  Banner Waving (Includes Streamers)

  4.  Star of David Shaped Tambourine Skills

  5.  Shofar Blowing for Year Round Use (Why Limit it to the High Holidays?)

Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer, founder and President Emeritus of MJTI, also commented, “MJTI continues to seek to develop a modern mature Messianic Judaism for the future and adding these important skills, especially skilled shofar blowers and banner wavers within our synagogues, will build up leaders for the future. Those gifted in these arts will help to continue growing our movement for the future and help us to cement our role as Jews within the greater Jewish community.”

Klayman also noted, “If there is great interest in our first year, we may consider developing a full Masters program in Messianic Jewish Worship Arts, which would be a 48 unit program with advanced skills training, and thesis, on an area of Messianic Jewish Theology and the Worship Arts.”

For more information on the new program please visit MJTI.org.

 

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Disaster Befalls MLR as Everyone Agrees on Where to Eat Lunch

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Phoenix, AZ – Breaking news from the 9th Messianic Leadership Roundtable, as disaster has come upon the annual Rabbi’s conference in Phoenix. Early yesterday afternoon the Earth shook as every single attendee of MLR agreed on where to have lunch, without so much as one complaint or argument. What would normally be a four hour discussion, followed by everyone going their separate ways, became the first ever unanimous decision in the history of Messianic Judaism. For an agreeance to be related to food was even more out of the ordinary.

It was Rabbi Jacob Rosenberg, of the Chicago Rosenbergs, who pointed out that there was a brand new location of the ever popular Lou Malnati’s Chicago style deep dish pizza that had recently opened in Phoenix, and suggested that lunch be held there. The motion was seconded by Ari Hauben of Chosen People Ministries and thirded by Jonathan Bernis, himself, who mentioned that Yeshualand Arizona had not yet opened, so they may as well eat in a restaurant. The suggestion was met with not a single nay, especially after it was brought up that Lou Malnati’s offers poultry sausage as a topping ingredient, and when else are biblically Kosher keeping Jews able to eat sausage pizza?

Sadly, Lou Malnati’s was not able to accommodate a walk-in party of 350 people, which was met with the usual hangry groans and complaints as everyone now had to go back to square one and choose somewhere else to have lunch. This is, unfortunately the second time this week the MLR attendees had to deal with tragedy, the first being the cancelation of Rabbi Eric Tokajer’s flight to Phoenix, and his ultimately missing the entire conference. Thankfully there will be another chance to come together for next year’s MLR, and as they say, L’shana haba’ah b’Kenya.

 

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Trump Elected President of the United States; Israel Opens Borders to Messianic Jews for First Time in History

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Israel – For the first time in history, Israel has announced it will welcome all Messianic Jews to make Aliyah. Until 2008, no known Messianic Jews were allowed to become citizens of Israel. After which it was decided Messianics could make Aliyah under The Law of Return, only if they have a Jewish Father and a Gentile Mother.

“Donald Trump was elected President of The US and it is just so awful,” said Jewish Agency of Israel Representative, Noam Amiel. “We don’t consider anyone who believes in Jesus to technically be Jewish, but we know evil doesn’t discriminate against that. Messianic Jews do love Israel, regardless of their wayward beliefs, and right now we just want to make sure we can help them get out of that country, which is no longer free, and live somewhere they can be safe. We don’t agree with their beliefs, but we can’t sit back and watch another Holocaust happen. Please come to Israel. You are welcome here.”

Aliyah applications from all Messianic Jews will be accepted and approved effective immediately, in an attempt to get every Jew out of America before January 20, 2017, when Donald Trump will be sworn into office as President. More information about making Aliyah can be found at www.jewishagency.org/aliyah/program/8651

 

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Survey

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

Guest Post By Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Messianic Group Calls for Return to Biblical, Not Statist or Rabbinical Weddings

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Responding to long-represented trends in the Movement, and recent societal trends, a growing group of young Messianics is calling for a repudiation of the contaminating effects of rabbinic laws and governmental interference in wedding practice.

The President of the group is Bozo Lipschitz of Congregation Davar Acher in Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho. We met him in his biblical tent, erected just outside the city limits.

“Yes, we’re following the flow of The Spirit in our movement, getting away from rabbinic interference in our religious practice. No chuppahs and crushed wine glasses for usI No Rabbis and Cantors either!  Ours is a Back to the Bible Messianic Movement, HalleluYAH! If we could free ourselves from the shackles of stupid Rabbinic Kosher laws and get back to Biblical Kosher, we can do the same about their oppressive marriage laws and get back to the Bible!”

When questioned about the current trend that has catalyzed their growing movement and its concerns, Lipschitz mentioned the impending election of Hillary Clinton, following on the heels of eight years of Barack Obama. “We see the Anti-Christ, the New World Order, and the Illuminati woven through all these Satanic politics. Everyone can see it. And we don’t want this kind of government interfering in this most personal of life events: marriage, and at its inception, our weddings. We don’t want interference from ungodly government or practices cooked up from Christ-rejecting Rabbis. HalleluYAH!”

The group is seeking to pass legislation removing the requirement of people having “statist wedding licenses.”  “We don’t need them. Abraham didn’t. Paul didn’t. Our Lord, Yeshua, didn’t, So why should we?” And in place of Rabbinic marriage rites, like chuppahs, crushed wine glasses and ketubahs, the group has begun to practice what it terms “Biblical marriage,” a counterpart of “Biblical Kosher.”

Lipschitz explains, “We follow the Biblical example of Boaz and Ruth. Biblically, when a woman crawls under a man’s blanket at his feet and he says, “Who are you?” and she tells him, that’s it!  That’s Biblical marriage!  We like to call it “B’rith Ha-Blankie.” He smiled, but he said they were entirely serious.

“It’s either this or being in bondage to Messiah-rejecting Rabbis or the New World Order. There really is no other godly choice!”

They are planning a national conference soon called “Back to the Blankie” to be in Coeur d’Alene at a date to be determined.