Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!
Category Archives: Conferences
Guest Post by Matt Nadler | Leaders Debate Whether Evan McMullin’s Pro-Israel Stance is Preferable to Impending Meteor
Leaders clashed in a sprawling, spirited discussion at the Politics and Faith: Messianic Thinkers Forum, held at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Queens, NY. Of particular note was the keynote debate: “Pro-Israel Mormon Neoconservatism or Death by Impending Meteor?”
In this forum organized by Chosen People Ministries, Messianic leaders debated whether independent candidate for President Evan McMullin’s pro-Israel views might, in some sense, be preferable to the apocalyptic destruction sure to be faced by all of humankind for its hedonic rebellion against The Holy One.
In favor of the motion that Evan McMullin’s measured neo-conservativism regarding Israel is preferable to a certain apocalypse were Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer and Dr. Rich Robinson. Against the motion were Rabbis Paul Saal and Eric Tokajer.
“It is true that we all must face the Creator in the teleological summation of all things, but if I may, this is simply a red herring,” opined Mark Kinzer, speaking for the motion that between Evan McMullin’s sketched out stances supporting Israel, and a deserved apocalypse, we should choose the former, not the latter. “The fact that we must meet our maker at some point does not mean that we should simply wish for it to happen this January.”
“Evan McMullin’s views on Israel, however briefly detailed, bring two issues to the table which are important for us to understand,” explained Rich Robinson, also speaking for the motion. “First of all, he brings a deep respect to Israel’s full sovereignty and self-determination, in regards to any future negotiations or peace process. Second of all, being a sane man, with respect to his position on Israel and foreign policy in general, it is unlikely that he would do anything which would intentionally usher in some of the more problematic events spoken of in the Hazon of Yochanon.”
Arguing against Evan McMullin’s approach to foreign policy, and Israel in particular, Rabbi Saal argued, “This is a year of paradigm shifts. As you know, every year prior to this year is a year in which we have not ushered in the deserved destruction of our species. This is a year to live dangerously. This is the paradigm for our time.” Before a highly engaged audience, he continued in his now trademarked rhyming cadence, “You tell me what all those ‘hashtag SMOD 2016’ memes mean if not the meanest of the mean, you know what I mean?”
Rabbi Eric Tokajer explained that there was nothing to add to this matter, as it had already been settled in the respective Republican and Democratic primaries. “SMOD to all, and to all a goodnight,” he calmly concluded.
At the conclusion of the forum, the consensus of those in attendance was that both sides had won, and that there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind. The topic of whether there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind is now the scheduled theme for next year’s Messianic Thinkers Forum, to be held in Irvine, California, in October of 2017.
Summer Long Cross Organizational Overnight Camp For Messianic Youth Coming Soon
Murca – Breaking news today, announced by The Messianic Times: An all summer long Messianic youth summer camp is coming soon. The new camp will be a joint effort between the UMJC, MJAA, Jews for Jesus, and Chosen People Ministries. Rather than send your child one week here or one week there, finally all Messianic children will be able to attend camp together, and not just for one or two weeks at a time.
The camp will be called Camp Hitlakdut, which is Hebrew for “cohesion” and will be available to campers ages 8-15, with the junior counselor program starting at 16. The four largest Messianic Jewish organizations came together and purchased nearly 400 acres of land in Pennsylvania and hope to have the camp up and running by Summer 2018. Camp Hitlakdut will be nine weeks long and will include two five week sessions that overlap one week in the middle. Each session will include four weeks of camp activities plus The YMJA conference for campers ages 13 and up. Campers under 13 will enjoy a week of daily field trips during that time. Parents can choose to send to children to one or both sessions, with a discount for attending both, as well as for sending multiple children.
Hitlakdut will draw from activities and traditions from Camp Gilgal, Camp Kesher, and Camp Or L’Dor, with new activities and traditions that every Messianic child can make together with this new program. Activities will include weekly Erev and Shacharit Shabbat services, Havdalah, and Hebrew and Israeli Dance classes, in addition to regular camp activities, such as boating, swimming, and finding your first relationship.
“Basically all of the camp directors got together and realized we could do a lot more than what we’re doing if we just pool our resources,” Former Camp Gilgal Director, Moose Garrett, explained in an interview. “We not only have the staffing to make a nine week camp happen, but between all the organizations, we actually had enough money to purchase our own property. It just makes sense. There are so many Messianic youth, we may as well just send them all together. If we want to unify the Messianic movement, the best way to do that is to teach them while they’re young. Plus, honestly, the matchmaking is a lot easier when they don’t have a lot of life experience.”
Camp Hitlakdut will cost more than the previous existing Messianic summer camps that were only 1-2 weeks each, but plenty of scholarships will be available, and, with their own property, Hitlakdut will be able to rent out their facilities to other groups throughout the year to offset some of the costs. Early bird registration should be open by the end of 2017, so start saving your Shekels now; their goal is to have 500 children registered to attend the first summer.
Support The Meow!
Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe
Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.
“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”
The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.
Guest Post by Rabbi Dr. Stuart Dauermann | Back to the Future, and It *IS* a Shock!
Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly of “Back to the Future” fame are currently recuperating at an undisclosed location from what they term “mega future shock.” It seems that Brown and McFly, in their most recent adventure, visited a combined MJAA/UMJC Conference in New America city, Bernisopolis, “in the mid-distant future.” Brown said they were stunned to discover something for which no one could have been adequately prepared.
“They were all Jews!” screamed McFly, still unable to digest what he had seen. “All of them, except for some intermarrieds; they were all Jews!” At this point he became so agitated his nurse had to increase the sedatives in his drip.
Brown continued, “We never expected to encounter such a movement in crisis. The problem is that many Jews are coming to believe in Yeshua, and the movement just can’t turn them away. Everyone is getting disoriented!”
In their excursion into the future, Brown and McFly talked with Tambourina Fruma Lopez-MacGillicuddy, who is leading a protest movement, “G.U.B.G.O.D.” “Give Us Back the Good Old Days,” which insists on amending the constitutions of the Union and the Alliance to have an 85 percent Gentile, 15 percent Jewish demographic balance, “like the good old days.”
Speaking to reporters at a recent protest, she put aside her bullhorn, shouting over the crowd noises of blowing shofars and Paul Wilbur V recordings, “I mean, O.K., for a long time we’ve known it’s the Messianic Jewish Alliance, and the Union of Messianic Jewish Congregations, but let’s get real here! Everyone knew that what we meant by Jewish was Jewish-style. But this is ridiculous! We’re overrun with Jews, and the attendance at our Davidic dance classes is disappearing!”
Asked if they plan to have a press conference giving further details, Brown and McFly wouldn’t say. “We’re sick of heart, and really confused. Now we’ve told you. But beyond this, it would be too dangerous to say more.”
We here at the Messianic Meow will keep you posted of further developments as, and if, they become known to us.
Hurricane Retreats in Disgust After Hundreds of Meshug Messianics Blow Shofars At It
Southeastern US – Reports are starting to trickle in on what actually ended Hurricane Matthew’s reign of terror last week. Hundreds of…uhhh…interesting…Messianic congregants…you know the ones I’m referring to…banded together to simultaneously blow their shofars at Hurricane Matthew, in an effort to get him to retreat. And retreat he did. In what would have been the tekiah gedolah to end all tekiah gedolahs, except Messiah did not return, Hurricane Matthew actually did cease his operations upon hearing the shofar blasts. Rabbi Alan Levine of Kol Mashiach Messianic Synagogue in Melbourne, FL has been a Rabbi for over 25 years and said he has never seen anything like this before; a hurricane retreating after basically being yelled at, in the most obnoxious of ways.
“I couldn’t take that dreadful noise,” Hurricane Matthew said in a recent press conference. “It was like dying cattle. And not even the good kind of dying cattle. Part of my job is to slaughter cows and other living beings, so normally I’m all about that BLEEP, but for real. That noise. Not cool, guys, not cool. I don’t know if I’m getting old or what, like when you think you can still twerk at the club, but really the music is too loud and you just want to be in bed by 9pm. That’s how this felt. I was in the zone, but the shofar blasts just messed up my mojo, so I just gave up and went home to roll into a ball on my couch and binge watch Stranger Things on Netflix and now I just feel like a failure. A big. wet. failure.”
While the hurricane’s feelings were clearly hurt in this whole ordeal, it did save many lives. Still, no excuse to abuse the use of shofars, which are meant only to be blown during High Holidays and when The King returns, and certainly not to be blown in one’s ear during the evening sessions at Messiah Conference. So take your shofars and your tambourines and…oops. Forgot I was writing an article here. Sorry about that. Anyway, as my Dad says, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But a broken shofar is something that will happen if you blow it in my ear again. Wow. This article is getting torrential. Time to board up the windows and evacuate the premises.
Azee the Clown Terrorizes School Children With Shouts of Encouragement
Toronto, ON – It’s a strange time for clowns in the English speaking part of the world right now. More and more “creepy clown sightings” have been reported, as people across the globe are showing up in public places dressed as clowns and brandishing weapons, in an attempt to frighten the locals. While this is meant to be some elaborate prank, most likely leading up to Halloween, what is actually happening is that real clowns are being given a bad rap. Soon they may no longer be able to entertain children, as they may only associate clowns with being scary, as opposed to being whimsical, as they were intended to be.
Popular Messianic clown, Azee the Clown, is one of the good clowns affected by the recent shenanigans. “We’re living in a time where clowns are even less respected than police officers right now,” said Aaron Zaretsky, Azee’s alter ego. “I want to show children that clowns are still their friends, so I’ve been going to schools during recess and shouting things like ‘Jesus loves you!’ and ‘You can be anything you want when you grow up!’ I know it’s working, because every child I’ve come into contact with has run away screaming with joy. I’ve made them all so happy. That’s how you know you’re making a difference.”
Azee leads the organization, Touching Hearts Ministry, and appears at Messianic gatherings, such as Messiah Conference and Jews for Jesus Ingathering, where he uses clowning techniques to teach The Gospel to children. For more information about Azee’s ministry, please visit www.touchingheartsministry.ca
True Life: I’m a Conference Junkie
Conferences are a common occurrence in the Messianic movement and a great way to connect with other Messianics around the world, but what if you scheduled your entire life around them? On this episode of True Life, you’ll meet three young people who are struggling to balance real life while attending as many Messianic conferences as they can.
Stephanie Escalante, “21,” from Tampa, FL admits she is a conference junkie, but sees nothing wrong with it. She has attended everything from Messiah Conference to the UMJC international and 20s conferences to ARCH Leadership summit to AMF and everything in between. She even started a Twitter account dedicated to conference crushes. She is so addicted to attending conferences that The Messianic Meow wrote an article about her planning a fake conference and then she actually started planning it. “Even though I’m only ’21,’ I’ve been to enough conferences to know how to plan one. I don’t need help from anyone. I’ve got this. It’s my conference now.”
Amy Liantonio, 30, from Philadelphia, PA says she once went to three conferences in a month, all at the Rosen Plaza Hotel. She has made it her life’s goal to attend every conference at The Rosen, which could be as many as six per year. She is helping Stephanie plan the fake conference.
Vlad Horol, 27, from Chicago, IL considers himself now to be a recovering conference junkie. “I love conferences so much, that I became the UMJC Young Adult Liaison (YAL) as an excuse to attend conferences,” stated Horol. “But I’m married now and my wife, Rachel, told me it was unnecessary for me to attend so many conferences. As part of the recovery process, I stepped down as the YAL earlier this year and will try to limit my conferencing to two conferences per year.” “He’s fine,” Rachel chimed in. “Two conferences per year is more than enough. He’s just going to stick to our photography business, Yofi Photography, and he’ll be fine.”
There’s more to life than attending a conference every other month. If you or a friend spend all your time and money on Messianic conferences, please do not be afraid to ask for emotional support. The Messianic Meow is here for you.
UPDATE: We’ve just received word from AMF that they are not actually a conference, therefore Stephanie Escalante’s conference resume cannot include AMF.
Messianic Jewish Colony to Open on the Moon
Murca – A Messianic Jewish colony will open on Earth’s Moon sometime in the future. After announcements came from both Chosen People Ministries and Jonathan Bernis this week about Messianic activity on the Moon, it was time to make the news of the new Colony official. While this has been in the works for quite a while, it has been kept under wraps, due to licensing and privacy issues.
“We already use the Lunar Calendar in Judaism, so this actually makes perfect sense,” said Rabbi David Chernoff of Congregation Beth Yeshua (CBY) of Philadelphia. “CBY is large enough to be a self sustaining Kibbutz, so we are actually going to move our entire congregation to the Moon, when the time comes and extend an invitation to the greater Messianic community to join us as you see fit. We’re working closely with Aaron Trank and his former NASA colleagues to make this happen and are very excited for what the future holds with this new Messianic colony.”
Plans are already in place for the new Messianic Moon Colony to have a Yeshualand and will also be home to an exact replica of both Messiah College and The Rosen Plaza Hotel; anyone coming to Muchan 2020 will have their choice of staying in either place. In addition, Brews for Jesus plans to move their new headquarters to the Moon. Trank will Periscope the progress as soon as the project is far enough along that it can be made public. The new Messianic colony is expected to be crater than any other living situation for Messianics.
messianiccomedy.com 