Messiah Conference to Host First Ever Messianic Friars Roast

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Grantham, PA — The Messianic Jewish Alliance of America announced this week it would begin hosting Friars Roasts at its annual Messiah Conference, which will take place at Messiah College in Grantham, PA next week. Messiah Conference is notorious for showcasing the talents of Messianics, from dancers to musicians to authors, but the one thing that has long been missing from Messianic pop culture is organized comedy, and Messiah Conference has set forth a plan to change that, by publicly making fun of its leaders.

“We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we feel the Messianic community is ready for organized Messianic humor,” said IAMCS Director of Operations, Rabbi Joel Liberman. “Since all Messianic Rabbis are struggling comedians, why not publicly roast each other? We have close to 55,000 people view the livestream of Messiah Conference every year, so this is a great way to unveil Messianic comedy to the world…and it sure beats asking that awful Messianic Meow to speak at Conference.”

The first annual Messianic Leader’s Roast will take place during the plenary session on the final evening of Messiah Conference, just before the Klezmarians perform to close out the conference. MJAA General Secretary and founder of Lamb, Joel Chernoff will be the first ever roastee and we expect to see jokes from such Rabbis as Matt Rosenberg, Joel Liberman, Jonathan Bernis, David Chernoff, and everybody’s favorite prankster, Rabbi Kevin Solomon. If you can’t make it to Messiah Conference this year, you’ll be able to watch all the evening sessions and Saturday morning Torah service at http://messiahconference.org/live/

 

 

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MJAA Announces Temporary Ban On New Rabbis Named David and Michael

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Springfield, PA – In a landmark press conference this week, MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, has announced a sweeping legal change within the Alliance. The new rule, passed unanimously by the board, will bar men named either David or Michael from seeking Rabbinic ordination through the organization. The ban will last for a period of six months, but includes a provision to extend it, should the board feel that such action is warranted.

When asked for explanation of the reasoning behind this unusual new rule, Rabbi Feldman explained that it was an attempt to ease an increasing confusion among the Rabbis. “Look, obviously nobody on the board has any problem with the names in and of themselves,” he said. “I mean, we’ve got two Davids and two Michaels on the board, all of whom voted for the rule. But that right there illustrates exactly why we needed to act. There are just too many of them. You call out for Rabbi David or Rabbi Michael at a Rabbis’ conference, and it seems like a good third of the crowd thinks you’re talking to them.”

However, Rabbi Feldman assured the gathered press that such an extreme measure was not undertaken lightly. “Believe me, this is a decision we’ve come to only after many hours of prayer and intense discussion. Our first thought was a rule that required all Rabbis to go by their last names, but that just resulted in the same problem spread wider. Do you realize how many father and son rabbis we have? I didn’t until we discussed standardizing to last names. And then there are guys like David Rosenberg who can’t get ahead either way; you try calling him by his last name to avoid the David issue and you just end up addressing his entire family, which all happen to be Messianic Rabbis as well. After that idea fell apart, we discussed adopting some kind of quota system, but everyone had his own idea on how to do that, and we ended up completely deadlocked on the details. In the end, the ban was all we could do for the time being. We’re hoping we’ll be able to hash out a better system at the next Rabbis’ conference, but frankly, if your name is David or Michael and you’re hoping to get ordained, you may want to pray about the virtues of going by your middle name.”

Since the announcement, widespread concern and confusion has been reported among the various Davids and Michaels currently scheduled for MJAA ordination. “It’s just that the wording is really unclear,” said David Baumstein, who’s scheduled to be ordained next month. “I’ve read through the new rule five times, and I still can’t figure out whether this means my appointment is canceled. And if it does apply to me, I can’t even use their suggestion of getting ordained under my middle name, because Michaels are banned too. I sent an email, but I haven’t heard back yet. If I don’t hear otherwise, I guess I’ll just have to go in and pray that everything turns out okay.”

While Rabbi Feldman and the rest of the MJAA board stressed that this is strictly a temporary measure, they also refused to rule out the possibility that, barring some more permanent solution, the ban could be extended or even expanded. “Look, this will be our top priority at the next meeting,” said Feldman, “but if you’ve never been to a Rabbis’ conference you can’t really understand how hard it is to come to a consensus on anything. You know the saying ‘two Jews, three opinions?’ Well, when those Jews are Rabbis, trust me, that’s a very low estimate.”

As for what may happen if the issue can’t be resolved in the next meeting, Rabbi Feldman refused to speculate, but did have one word of warning. “If we can’t solve it? We’ll deal with that if it comes up. But should that day arise, all I can say is potential Rabbis named Jeff may soon find themselves on thin ice as well.”

 

 

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Members Struggle To Fill Prayer Times After Synagogue Purchases New Building

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Philadelphia, PA – This past weekend, in Philadelphia, members of Congregation Beth Yeshua listened, in shock, as Rabbi David Chernoff revealed that the synagogue’s long search for a new building has finally reached an end. It was an announcement over 20 years in the making, and one many had come to suspect would never arrive. However, the mood among the congregation was far more anxious than one might expect, and after the service stunned members expressed a mix of excitement and deep concern.

“Obviously, I’m thrilled that we finally have a new building,” said long-time member Helen Wilson. “We’ve been looking for over two decades, and we’ve needed it for at least that long. That being said, praying for a new building has been a major cornerstone of my prayer time throughout this search. Over 20 years of habit is going to be hard to break, and I have no idea what I’m going to fill that time with.”

Many others in the congregation voiced similar issues. “I’ve literally been praying for the new building since I was a kid,” said former YMJA President Jonathan Salkind. “I barely even remember a time when I wasn’t setting aside a big chunk of my quiet time to focus on it. Not to mention my wife and I have been raising our daughters to always pray that we’d get a new building; what are we supposed to tell them to pray about now?”

In an effort to ease troubled members’ concerns, Rabbi David assured the congregation that there was still plenty to pray for. “We still need to sell our current building,” he said, making sure to maintain a soothing tone of voice so as not to further agitate the crowd. “We’ve also been having difficulty getting settlement on the other property we bought a few years back. Plus, while it doesn’t look like zoning will be an issue, we’re going to need to do some substantial construction on the new building before we can move in. Believe me, there’s still plenty to pray about.” Nonetheless, many of those in attendance weren’t entirely convinced.

“Sure,” said Ken Fischer, “Technically we’ve still got stuff to pray for. But, I mean, selling property? Construction going smoothly? I can wring maybe five minutes out of that. What about the other 25 minutes I was devoting to the new building each day? How do they expect me to reach the full hour per day of prayer that the Rabbi’s been drilling into us for all these years if my biggest subject just vanishes?”

Reached for comment, Office Manager, John Rose, suggested several possible topics of building-related prayers. In addition to reiterating the Rabbi’s points, he suggested praying for other Messianic congregations in need of buildings, including Adat HaTikvah near Chicago and Shuvah Yisrael on Long Island. But members shrugged that suggestion off as well. “Most of my prayer time for the building has been pressing in for God’s will on various properties I’ve seen in the area that seemed perfect for us,” said Josh Collis. “How can I do that for a congregation in a place I’ve never been to?”

However, not everyone at Beth Yeshua is dismayed by the sudden lack of prayer material. In fact, dance leader, Tatiana Pulido, said that the announcement has taken her prayer life to a whole new level. “Are you kidding me?!” she asked incredulously. “Now that we have the property, I can finally stop praying about the building and focus on what really matters. I’ve got a very clear vision for our new dance floor, and believe me, I’m going to make sure both God and the office staff hear about it every single day until my prayers are answered.”

 

 

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Guest Post by Rabbi Stuart Dauermann | MJAA Discovers Joel Osteen’s Name Really Joel Ostein And He is Jewish!

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David and Joel Chernoff and the entire leadership of the MJAA-ROI is ecstatic to announce the discovery that Joel Osteen is really a Jew named Joel Ostein.

He will be speaking at next year’s Messiah Conference on the subject, “Shekels From Yeshua: Riches from the Ruach.”

When recently interviewed by MJAA President, Rabbi Larry Feldman, Ostein, who now goes by the name ‘Yoel,’ affirmed his Jewish roots. “Yes, I always sensed I was Jewish. At our church, whenever we took an offering, I felt an anointing fall upon me. After all, we all know how good our people are with money!” At that, Ostein smiled and the glare from his teeth caused six people nearby to have an out of the body experience.

Ostein’s wife, Victoria also feels sure she is Jewish, and is now longer going by Victoria, but rather Nitzachonia. “Yes, I feel Jewish too,” she said. In fact, I have contacted the Crouch family so I might use the wigs Jan left behind when she ascended to the Kavod of Adonai. Now that I have discovered my Jewish roots, I need a sheitel so I can be a modest wife for my husband, rabbi Yoel.”

Ostein is delighted with his newfound niche.  “I am proud to be a genuine Jew,” he said. “So much so that I am having each of my jets outfitted with tzit tzit hanging from the wings.”

Final arrangements are also being made to change his congregation’s name from Lakewoood Church to K’nisiyah Etz HaYam.  “It will take some getting used to,” Ostein admits, “but Nitzchona and I are going to work hard at bringing along the mishpocka.”

Ostein is still learning how to pronounce Hebrw terms. But for the time being, mishpocha will have to be mishpocka. “Look,” he said, “It took us eight months to get from Joel to Yo’el. Give us time.”

He again flashed the smile, causing three nearby cars to collide. Explaining the phenomenon he added, “Look, the joy of The Lord is my strength. But for some people, I guess it’s just too strong!”

 

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Guest Post by Joe Miterko | Joel Chernoff and Paul Wilbur Announce New Messianic Band That’ll Knock Your Shofars Off

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Orlando, FL- The famed Joel Chernoff, who penned such classics as “Baruch Adonai,” “Jew and Gentile,” “The Sacrifice Lamb,” and many more, hit the Messianic Music Scene back in a huge way this past week.

“I decided to team up with Paul Wilbur and make a new band called ‘Tamb,’” said Chernoff, at the MJAA Southeast Regional Conference, this past weekend. “It’ll be like my previous project ‘Lamb’ with Rick Coghill and Ted Pearce, only a bit different. Both Paul and I were deeply moved by the roaring sound of the jingling tambourines at the Messiah Conference this past summer during our sets, so I came over to him and asked, ‘Hey Paul, we both were crying because of those tambourines in our sets at Messiah, why don’t we actually collaborate on a new Messianic music project together? We’ve never done one, so how bout it?’ He got very excited and was all in after I presented the idea! I’m so excited!!”

Tamb is already starting to write some new material, such as “Shake Your Tambs, All You People,” “I Will Keep the Beat With My Brothers,” and “Blow a Trumpet in Zion, Not Grantham, PA.” “Our goal is to get the movement excited about creative expression as much as possible,” commented Wilbur at the same SE Regional Conference.  “We want to hear some great Shouts of Joy about this new project!”

The first album plans to drop in early 2017 and will be sponsored by Jonathan Bernis’ new Yeshualand theme parks.  To find out more about Joel visit https://joelchernoff.wordpress.com/ and Paul visit https://www.wilburministries.com/. To learn more about Jonathan Bernis and Jewish Voice Ministries International, visit http://www.jewishvoice.org/.

 

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2017 Re-Branding!

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We’ve re-branded for 2017! Special thanks to our friends at Keren Ohr Messianic Synagogue in Savannah, GA for their help: Ellie Caracelo drew our new mascot, Elliot C. Meow (before anybody asks: yes, his family’s original last name was Meowskowitz and it was shortened at Ellis Island) and Rebbetzin Jennifer Caracelo re-designed our logo, as well as our new web site and business cards! Be sure to check it out the new web site! And, just so we’re all on the same page, there is a ride at Yeshualand named after this family: The Jude and Jennifer Carousel-o! 🙂

Guest Post by Rabbi Eric Tokajer | Messianic Music Under Attack

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In an attempt to diminish the growing popularity of the Messianic Movement and stop the increasing influence of Messianic Movement within the believing world, a new provision has been injected into U.S. copyright law. This provision makes it illegal to use the word ‘lai’ or any derivatives, such as ‘lai lai’ or ‘lai la lai lai lai’ in any songs.

This action has, for all intents and purposes, made it impossible to write any new Messianic Music. When asked for responses, Joel Chernoff of Lamb responded, “We will not take this lai’ing down.” Ted Pearce, when asked about this new law, held his fingers in his ears alternately saying, “I can’t hear you lai lai lai lai”. Paul Wilbur, possibly the best known Messianic recording artist, stated emphatically, “These are the days of Elijah, and praying for the return of Yeshua when the wolf will lai down with the lamb.”

 

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