Category Archives: Social Media

Why Are All My Messianic Friends Checking in at Standing Rock? Is There a Conference I Didn’t Know About?

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Murca – Why are all my Messianic friends checking in at Standing Rock on Facebook? Is there a conference that I didn’t know about? The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: The only thing Messianics love more than blowing shofars at inappropriate times is a good conference. But they’re always in the same locations. What about those of us who don’t live near Grantham or Orlando or Dallas or Irvine? What about the forgotten people of the movement who live in the Mountain Time Zone? Enter the new “Standing Rock of Our Salvation” Conference in North Dakota. Like Conference Conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation will also be non partisan. Unlike any other conference, Standing Rock of Our Salvation is geared toward those who have never been or don’t usually go to Messianic conferences, due to location discrimination.

The Standing Rock of Our Salvation Conference will include workshops and seminars for Conference Newbies, including, but not limited to: Intro to Conferencing, What is a CC (Conference Crush)?, How close should I be to someone’s ear when I blow the shofar at them?, and Messianic Marketplace Metziahs (Deals). There will also be a panel discussion on the lack of Messianic conferences within the Northwestern Central and Mountain Time Zones. In addition, there will be workshops that will appeal to those who go to other conferences as well, such as a tzit tzit tying class, a class on how to care for curly hair, shadchen services, and a Messianic version of The Latke-Hamantash Debate.

The conference will be free to those who have never been to a Messianic conference before, half price to those who haven’t been to one in the last decade, and will cost an extra $2,000 for those who have been to 15 or more Messianic conferences within the last three years, though they will be able to get their punch cards punched here as well. Translation: The Conference Junkies will pick up your tab for this conference. Those who wish to attend Standing Rock of Our Salvation have also been asked to check in on Facebook to receive a free dessert with their Erev Shabbat Dinner. Conference attendees may check in remotely, at any point leading up to the conference, which will take place in August 2017. It will hopefully be an annual or, at least, bi-annual event, and worship is scheduled to be led by Lauryn Hill and Bob Dylan. I hope you’re standing, because this conference will be a rock for the ages.

 

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It Turns Out 2 Chronicles 7:14 is Not Actually About America

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2 Chronicles 7:14 When My people, over whom My Name is called, humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (TLV)

With everything that is happening in the world today, especially in The United States, many people have been sharing this bible passage as if it were about America. Turns out though, this passage is not actually about America, but about Israel. In fact, America is not even mentioned in The Bible at all, other than maybe implied in prophecy of future destruction/end times. I know what you’re thinking: I must have no idea what I’m talking about, but it turns out that America did not even exist yet at the time The Bible was written! Crazy, huh? The Bible was completed somewhere around the 4th century, whereas America was not actually discovered by land stealing pillagers until around the 15th century. That’s a whole lot of years later. Imagine that.

It turns out God was actually speaking to Solomon about Israel in 2 Chronicles 7:14! I know how farfetched that sounds…Israel being mentioned in The Bible, but it turns out that is exactly what was being referred to in this passage. It turns out the people God was referring to were Jewish Israelites; not Christians, not Americans, not anybody but people who were promised Israel as their land. Huh.

I know a lot of people think everything revolves around America, but it turns out that’s not actually true. The world actually revolves around The Sun and should also revolve around The Son. It also turns out that the world and its problems getting worse and not being healed is actually part of biblical prophecy in Revelation. It turns out the world, including America, actually has to meet destruction in order for that prophecy to be fulfilled. It turns out we are living in the end times and all of these problems we are experiencing are supposed to happen. It also turns out we are not actually meant to live forever and everyone will die at some point, no matter how long we stay on the Whole 30 Diet or use essential oils.

So, even though Facebook claims this verse is about America, that’s not how it works. Sorry, #murca, not e’erthing is about you. Try as you may, some things are actually about other countries or cultures. If you really want everything to involve America, I’m sure we can always import Malaria.

 

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Survey

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Please take a few minutes to fill out this survey about The Meow and let us know what you think so far. Your responses are very important to the future of The Messianic Meow. Thank you!

Guest Post by Matt Nadler | Leaders Debate Whether Evan McMullin’s Pro-Israel Stance is Preferable to Impending Meteor

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Leaders clashed in a sprawling, spirited discussion at the Politics and Faith: Messianic Thinkers Forum, held at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Queens, NY.  Of particular note was the keynote debate: “Pro-Israel Mormon Neoconservatism or Death by Impending Meteor?”

In this forum organized by Chosen People Ministries, Messianic leaders debated whether independent candidate for President Evan McMullin’s pro-Israel views  might, in some sense, be preferable to the apocalyptic destruction sure to be faced by all of humankind for its hedonic rebellion against The Holy One.

In favor of the motion that Evan McMullin’s measured neo-conservativism regarding Israel is preferable to a certain apocalypse were Rabbi Dr. Mark Kinzer and Dr. Rich Robinson.  Against the motion were Rabbis Paul Saal and Eric Tokajer.

“It is true that we all must face the Creator in the teleological summation of all things, but if I may, this is simply a red herring,” opined Mark Kinzer, speaking for the motion that between Evan McMullin’s sketched out stances supporting Israel, and a deserved apocalypse, we should choose the former, not the latter. “The fact that we must meet our maker at some point does not mean that we should simply wish for it to happen this January.”

“Evan McMullin’s views on Israel, however briefly detailed, bring two issues to the table which are important for us to understand,” explained Rich Robinson, also speaking for the motion. “First of all, he brings a deep respect to Israel’s full sovereignty and self-determination, in regards to any future negotiations or peace process. Second of all, being a sane man, with respect to his position on Israel and foreign policy in general, it is unlikely that he would do anything which would intentionally usher in some of the more problematic events spoken of in the Hazon of Yochanon.”

Arguing against Evan McMullin’s approach to foreign policy, and Israel in particular, Rabbi Saal argued, “This is a year of paradigm shifts. As you know, every year prior to this year is a year in which we have not ushered in the deserved destruction of our species. This is a year to live dangerously. This is the paradigm for our time.”  Before a highly engaged audience, he continued in his now trademarked rhyming cadence, “You tell me what all those ‘hashtag SMOD 2016’ memes mean if not the meanest of the mean, you know what I mean?”

Rabbi Eric Tokajer explained that there was nothing to add to this matter, as it had already been settled in the respective Republican and Democratic primaries.  “SMOD to all, and to all a goodnight,” he calmly concluded.

At the conclusion of the forum, the consensus of those in attendance was that both sides had won, and that there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind. The topic of whether there should be no more forums or conversations of any kind is now the scheduled theme for next year’s Messianic Thinkers Forum, to be held in Irvine, California, in October of 2017.

Messianic Synagogue Starts Bi-Organizational Pride Group

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Denver, CO – Being an active member of the Messianic Movement has enough challenges on its own when you blend in with the crowd, but some congregations have found they can’t live with themselves if they pretend like they only belong with UMJC or only belong with the MJAA. Some congregations, like Beth Yeshua, in Denver, have recognized that they need to go against the grain of Messianic society and be part of both of the main Messianic congregational organizations, lest they miss out on being true to themselves.

“There’s definitely a lot of pressure to commit to just one organization,” Congregational Rabbi Chaim Weitz explained, “But we identify with both the MJAA and the UMJC. I know there are other congregations that feel the same way, but are afraid to admit it, so I’ve started this group to support the other congregations that want to be part of both the MJAA and the UMJC and hope they’ll be able to admit to themselves that they go both ways. And it’s okay. As Messianic Jews we are constantly straddling two worlds: being Jewish and believing in Jesus. You throw in being part of both the MJAA and the UMJC to the mix and oy gevalt, you know? Your world of like minded individuals just gets even smaller. We, at Beth Yeshua, are openly bi-organizational and very proud. It’s a shame there aren’t more congregations that feel the same way. Maybe if there were, I wouldn’t have to choose between the IAMCS [MJAA] Rabbi’s conference and the UMJC Rabbi’s conference. Stop hiding your true feelings; don’t worry what other people are going to think about you if you join both organizations. God still loves you anyway. In fact, He probably loves you more if you do.”

Mazel Tov, Rabbi Weitz, on being so open and in touch with your true feelings and not pandering to societal norms. We hope this will open the door for other congregations to follow in your footsteps and come out as bi-organizational. And why not be part of both organizations anyway? They do share a Facebook profile, after all.

Evan McMullin Hates Messianic Jews

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Utah – In a world where the Presidential Candidates are Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, it was obvious that someone else would step up to try to be the Ross Perot of 2016 and that man is Evan McMullin. The former CIA Operations Manager stepped up to the plate when the other two choices weren’t exactly up to par. For some reason he has become quite the popular choice for Messianic Jews unhappy with the other choices.

“I have no idea why I’ve become so popular with Messianic Jews,” Evan McMullin explained in  a press conference. “Where did they even come from? They’re not even real Jews. And they’re not Christians. I would know. I’m a Mormon. Even if they were real Jews, I don’t like real Jews either. I studied abroad in Israel to learn Arabic so I could figure out how to get rid of Jews. Come on, who really goes to Israel to study Arabic? You had to have known something was up. The funny thing is Mindy Finn, a Jew, actually thinks I’ve chosen her to be my running mate, but the truth is, I just want it to look that way so I can get all the Jews that control the media on my side so I can win. And then deport all the Jews. Nathan Johnson is my real running mate. Think about it. Also, I have no idea why all these Messianic Jews think I’m ‘Tweeting’ at them. I don’t even have any social media accounts. When you’re in the CIA they train you not to get attached to social media. Someone has made some fake accounts specifically to make Messianic Jews think I like them, but I wish they would stop trying to make me look bad. I want votes, but not badly enough that I would get these fake Jew wannabes on my side. Everyone hates Messianic Jews and I am no different in that regard.”

Evan McMullin has won his home state of Utah, but we all know winning your home state doesn’t count for anything. Only time will tell how many Messianic Jews will throw their votes away for Evan McMullin. Some things really are too good to be true.

Support The Meow!

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Dear fans of The Messianic Meow:
I first want to tell you how grateful I am for the support you have all shown me throughout the last three months. When I started this, I had absolutely no idea what to expect, and certainly did not think I would have 630 page likes this early on or that The Messianic Times would be publishing my articles.
I published the first Messianic Meow article on July 25th. On July 29th I found out my position at work had been eliminated. My first thought was “Is this a sign I’m just supposed to be focusing on The Meow?” I’ve been praying about it for three months and have finally decided to jump off the cliff and do this full time. The thing is, I need your help.
Doing The Meow full time means I can continue making funnies, because I don’t have to worry about working 40+ hours a week at a job I hate or continue looking for a job I hate when nothing is working out. This means I have time to use more of my ideas than just satire articles, including, but not limited to writing Purim spiels and other holiday plays that I can offer to congregations at no cost to them/you. This also means I’m available for speaking engagements. Has your congregation or conference ever had a Messianic comedian before?
I figured it out…if every single one of my Facebook fans is able to give just $10 a month, I’ll be in really good shape. At that point I would probably be able to pay people who submit articles as well.
I know what you’re thinking…great, someone else is asking me to donate money. But ask yourself this…do you enjoy The Messianic Meow? Does it make you laugh? Does it make you smile, chuckle, chortle, or guffaw? Do you like that there is a piece of pop culture that belongs solely to Messianics?
Please pray about supporting The Meow. I have set monthly amounts on the web site below, but those are just examples and you may type in any amount to donate, whether it’s $1 a month or $40 a month or $5,000,000 a month. Just follow the below link and click on the red “Become a patron” button near the top right corner of the page.
Prayers and sharing this post help me as well.
Again, thank you so much for your continued support.
Love, Meow.
www.patreon.com/messianicmeow

YMJA Plans Special Interpretive Song and Dance Video Tribute to Harambe

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Atlanta, GA – Big news from The Young Messianic Jewish Alliance this week as they announce they are planning a video tribute to the late gorilla, Harambe, who was tragically euthanized after a child fell into his enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo in May of this year. The controversial killing of Harambe has sparked many memes, petitions, and other tributes, with The YMJA now following suit.

“We actually started planning this at Messiah Conference this past July while on very little sleep,” YMJA member, Caleb Goldberg explained. “We agreed a video on YouTube would make a much bigger statement and reach a lot more people than if we just did a performance at the YMJA Talent Show. The video is going to involve all 1,000 members of the YMJA and will be a combination of interpretive dance, and songs written about Harambe. I choreographed most of it and I’m super excited about the finished product, which we’ll be unleashing on the internet for the six month anniversary of Harambe’s tragically tragic death.”

The YouTube video will be titled “No More Monkey Business” and will be nine hours long, including an introduction in sign language by Koko the Gorilla. No More Monkey Business is set to make its debut on November 28th, 2016 and will be available to watch at www.youtube.com/calebgoldbergisawesome. And, if you think you’ve seen enough Harambe tributes, well, you ape seen nothing yet.

Now Accepting Reader Submissions

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Please follow all rules or your article will not be accepted, no matter how good it is.

  1. I am only accepting article submissions. Please do not submit any memes to me; I will not post them.
  2. Your article must be Messianic themed. Yes, I do occasionally post articles or memes that are Christian or Secular Jewish, but I will not take submissions that fall under either of those categories, so as to keep The Meow Messianic themed.
  3. Please no bashing of anyone or anything. All of my articles are written out of love and I never want to offend anyone.
  4. Please do not write about or include inside jokes that only your group of friends or people in your congregation will understand. A lot of people read The Meow. We want to make as many people laugh/relate to this as possible.
  5. Please keep your headlines short and to the point. The main point of the article should be included within your headline. Most people only read the headlines and not the articles. We want to make sure they are amused too.
  6. Please make sure your articles are believable. Part of the reason satire is funny is because the articles could be real. If they are too far-fetched to actually happen, they are too far-fetched for The Meow. I want people to look at our articles and say “I thought this was real until I saw who wrote it.”
  7. I have a right to reject or edit any article. If I need to edit your article for grammar or other purposes I will send you the revised version and get your approval before I post it. Please do not be offended if your article does not get chosen or if I need to edit it; I have a very specific style I am looking for.
  8. Please submit your articles and the name you would like to be published under to messianicmeow@gmail.com I will not take submissions from anywhere else.

 

Please note, while I would love to pay people for their articles, that is just not possible at this time.

Miri in the Village Admits to Once Having Smoked Potstickers

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Raleigh, NC – Popular Messianic DIY and Kosher food blogger, Miri in the Village, admitted this week she once smoked potstickers when she was first starting to cook. Miri is now considered the Messianic Martha Stewart, but once upon a time, even Martha Stewart had to start from the beginning. Miri is not exempt from once having been a beginner, though most people don’t make an error that gets so much media attention.

“I was young and naive,” Miri stated in an interview early yesterday morning. “It was just an experiment that not only went wrong, but now haunts my entire career and my life. I swear it was a one time thing and I would never do it again. I’ve learned my lesson: it’s okay to smoke the meat inside of potstickers, but it’s not okay to smoke potstickers themselves. I now only fry or steam them. And I make a lot of Kosher Asian food these days. You can visit my web site for some recipes, none of which involve smoking potstickers.”

Miri’s Father-in-Law, a Messianic Rabbi who chose to remain nameless, was heard to say: “Smoke potstickers?! No Grandbaby Mama of mine would ever do such a thing. I’ve never heard of this woman in my life. Oh, you’re talking about food? Okay, yeah, I know her. Her food is wonderful.”

Here, at The Messianic Meow, we think Miri has recited The Al Chet enough times in her life to atone for this mistake and she has been forgiven. For awesome Kosher recipes and DIY projects please visit www.miriinthevillage.com